


Breaking Boundaries and Breaking Walls

by shimmer_writer



Series: Shae Anderson X Erik Killmonger [1]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Non Canon Timeline, Series, erik lives in my story, exploring character development, first fic, kind of but not really, slow burn but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-04-27 03:41:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 95,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14416911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shimmer_writer/pseuds/shimmer_writer
Summary: Shaeya "Shae" Anderson has always made sure she was careful about every decision she made. But one night out and a heated encounter is making her break all her rules.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first series as I expand out to become a writer and I am so happy to begin it in the Black Panther fandom. I'm a black female author and my original main character is black female, which will become obvious from reading.

“Couldn’t we just stay here and drink?”

“No!” my friends said in unison to my question. I sat next to Monica on my bed as Alisha rummages through my closet, tsking as she searches through the choices for my outfit for the night.

“You’re the one who said, and I quote ‘I’m down for anything this weekend’,” Monica teased as she scrolled through her Instagram feed.

“I know,” I whined, “but I thought we’d, I don’t know…”

“Ha,” Alisha said, as she pulled out a black dress to survey. “You thought we’d just stay in, drink and crack up to movies on Netflix.”

Alisha obviously wasn’t pleased with my black dress and put it back in my closet. I leaned back against my headboard as I watched her continue her search.

“Well, fine, but what’s wrong with what I have on now?”

Both Monica and Alisha stopped to give me a look. I was wearing a pair of blue jean shorts and a black t-shirt with ‘Black Girl Magic’ on the front. My hair was up into a manageable puff. I adjusted my black rim glasses and pouted at their looks.

“I mean I am comfortable.”

They both rolled their eyes and resumed their tasks.

“Girl, going out ain’t about being comfortable it’s about like looking _fine_ ,” Alisha sang the last word and we laughed. “And besides, once we get some juice in you you’ll be shaking that fine ass all over the club.”

Monica laughed without looking up from her phone. “Shae may not turn out all the time but when she does…” They both laughed again and I rolled my eyes.

I had known Alisha since my freshman year of college. We were the only two black girls in our sociology class and we ended up paired together for a semester project. At first, she had told me that my quiet and aloofness had made her think I was stuck up and that I thought I was better than her. This information had both surprised me in the sense that she had never shown anything to indicate that to me, but at the same time, it wasn’t the first time that had been said to me. But we had bonded throughout the course and Alisha had “taken me under her wing”. She had a more outspoken personality but found it hilarious that I was, and these are her words, not mine “low-key savage.” Through the teasing, and bonding through late-night talks we had grown closer and she had become my best friend. It was because of Alisha that I had started trying new things and going out when, for the majority of my life, I had kept to myself.

            Monica was more of Alisha’s friend, but she was cool to hang around with. They both loved experiencing life in a way that I restricted myself from doing. They moved through the world with a strong confidence and unapologetic force that only black women could possess. And me? I was that quiet black girl who’d much rather be reading a book than talking to people. People are complicated. At least with books I could enjoy myself. It’s not that I _couldn’t_ have fun…it was more like…turning my over-thinking brain from high mode to low simmer.

Monica hopped off my bed and left the room, calling over her shoulder, “I’m grabbing a few shots.”

_A few_?

I groaned and slid my glasses off my face to rub my eyes.

“Don’t even.”

I glanced up at her and blinked innocently.

“What?”

Alisha arched a brow at me.

“That ‘I’m starting to feel tired’ shit. You’re going out, Shae Shae, it’s final.”

I glared at her.

“I hate it when you call me that.”

She ignored me and tossed a pair of short overalls back into my closet.

“And besides, it’s for your own good. We may actually find you a man tonight.”

I raised my brows at her.

“That’s a lofty goal.”

Alisha sucked her teeth and shook her head.

“Girl, there is nothing wrong with being single, but to still have your v- card and at 26….”

“Wait, hold up,” Monica said, stepping into the room with three shot glasses filled to the brim. I reluctantly took the one she handed me as she found her previous spot next to me. She turned to me with a wide grin.

“You never let a nigga hit it?” she eyed me shaking her head. “You’re cute. I know niggas have tried talking to you.”

Alisha laughed, and I shrugged.

“Yeah, I just, I don’t know, never been intrigued enough about a guy to sleep with him just ‘cause he hits on me. And most of the time I can’t tell they ain’t shit. And once you tell a guy he ain’t shit, he get’s shitty….”

“Because he ain’t shit,” Alisha continued for me.

“….and he leaves you alone,” I finished.  

Alisha and Monica share a look.

“I told you she could be savage!” they burst into laughter and I shook my head and slipped my glasses back on.

“I’m glad I’m giving you guys a laugh.”

Alisha winked at me before turning back to the closet.

“Look Shae, how about you just find one guy tonight that you’re willing to make out with?” Monica asked and clinked her shot glass to mine. We threw it back and I grimaced at the taste. She handed me the third one and I blinked at her.   
  
“Yeah, that’s one for you too.” I shook my head and threw it back as well.

“Just one guy and see how it goes.”

Alisha tugged out a short purple dress with lace décor along the shoulders. She flashed me a triumphant grin.

“This one!”

Monica nodded her approval before turning to me, her brows raised.

“So?”

“I like that too, I guess.”

Her eyes narrowed at me and I sighed.

“Ok, fine. I’ll _try_ to let loose a little.”

I stood up and felt the rush of alcohol in my veins. Huh. Maybe I wouldn’t have to try too hard. After finding a dress, we went about getting ready. Alisha and Monica had shown up to my place already dressed for the night, so their focus was on helping me getting ready.

I had to admit that the dress Alisha chosen was secretly my favorite dress. The color accentuated my brown skin nicely and it hugged me in all the right places. I just didn’t normally bring it out _because_ it drew attention to me. I preferred not being on the spotlight—it felt too much like I was on display. But after taking the third shot from Monica, I knew that I was going to be wearing the dress with a kind of confidence that I normally didn’t feel. After fixing my hair and applying a bit of eyeshadow and lip gloss I was ready to go. Monica glanced at my glasses.

“Do you have contacts?”

“Nope. I don’t like wearing them.”

She laughed as I slung around my shoulders.

“What, you don’t think I look good with them on?”

I wagged my eyebrows at her and she shook her head at me.

“Girl, you already feeling it.”

I winked and flopped onto my couch to begin the struggle of pulling on my heeled sandals. Monica leaned down to help.

“You might get your first dick appointment.”

I shrugged and leaned back against the couch cushions.

“Maybe. If the nigga shows it’ll be worth my time.”

Alisha walked in the room as I spoke and her and Monica burst into laughter.

“Oh yeah, she’s feeling it.”

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2 - The Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae has more fun than she expected at the club.

            The club that we arrived to was one I had never been to before. Granted, I hadn’t been to too many clubs, but given the line leading outside the club I knew it was a popular one. I eyed the line and glanced at Alisha who was texting on her phone.

“Are you sure we can get in?”

“We’ll be fine. Ralph’s got us.”

Ah. Ralph was Alisha’s boyfriend since college and had connections on the scene.

Monica hooked her arm through mine as we followed Alisha into the club, ignoring the dirty looks we received when the bouncer let us in.

“You alright?”

I leaned towards her with a grin.

“I’m probably gonna need another drink to keep this going.”

She laughed.

We made our way to the bar and Monica leaned forward to the bartender to order drinks. Alisha leaned into me so that I could hear her over the pounding music.

“Shae, don’t let her get you in trouble.”

I blinked and titled my head at her. True, Alisha wanted me to try new things, but she also tended to have a protective streak. She said I reminded her of her little sister and the protectiveness that came with it.

“I’m good.” She eyed me before nodding.

Monica turned to us with drinks and nudged one into my hand. I sipped and grimaced. She had ordered it strong. With our drinks in tow, we headed to the dance floor, falling into step with the dancing crowd.

I loved dancing. I loved getting lost in the music, of feeling like I was moving to some unseen force. I noticed Ralph had shown up and was dancing behind Alisha, his hands wrapped around her waist. He caught my gaze and nodded to me in greeting. I flashed him a bright smile and held up my glass. He laughed. I went to bring my glass to my lips and noticed it was empty. I made eye contact with Monica and leaned in towards her.

“I’m going to get another drink,” I said, and she nodded.

I made my way back to the bar, bouncing along to the music. Enough liquor and good music and I had to admit, I was having a good time. Which of course is why I tripped up the last set of stairs to the bar. I braced myself for hard impact and the embarrassment that would inevitably follow.

 Instead, strong arms caught me, and I was saved from looking like a fool in front of the whole club. I blinked up into the face of the stranger who caught me.

“Oh, I’m sorry….” I said and grasped his arm as I righted myself.

“It’s all good, ma,” he said in a deep voice that sent a tingle down my spine.

His hand slid slowly from my elbow to my wrist, keeping a loose grip as his eyes swept across my figure.

I didn’t normally play much mind to dudes at the club, but this dude was _fine_.  He was broadly built, wearing a simple black t-shirt with dark jeans and a few gold chains hanging around his neck. He was handsome with his dreads and faded sides, and that shirt was not doing well to hide the muscular body underneath. Damnit, I had a weakness for muscles. I nudged my glasses up on the perch of the nose and blinked. His lips curved up into a smirk and I saw a flash of gold.

I pointed towards the bar.

“I was… just going to get a drink.” I took a step back and titled my head back a bit to meet his eyes. And he was tall. Damn.

“I got you.”

I followed him after I realized his hand was still lightly holding my wrist. It wasn’t that strong grip that most niggas used when they were trying to get a girl to follow. It was loose enough that I could pull free without trying. He was giving me a chance to get away but knew that I would follow. I normally would have hated that kind of confidence, but I was drunk. And had I mentioned he was fine?

There was open space at the bar and I stood next to him and began swaying to the music again. He leaned against the bar on his side, his eyes sweeping over my form again. I grinned at him and he shook his head at me.

“Damn, girl you gone, ain’t you?” there was laughter in his voice.

I shrugged and accepted the drink that the bartender slid towards me. I hadn’t seen the mystery stranger order. I brought the drink to my lips and raised my brows.

“Not bad.” I said, and he raised his own in salute. I giggled. I never giggled. Huh. I guess I was gone.

At that moment _Loyalty_ by Kendrick began to play and I let out a squeal. I loved this song and my body was holding that warm, loose feeling that overrode the small nagging voice in my head. I threw back the rest of my drink and slammed it on the counter before turning to my mystery stranger. I flashed him a wink before walking towards the dance floor.

Liquid courage serves me well.

I hadn’t made it too far into the crowd before a strong arm slid around my waist and I was pulled back into a broad chest. I glanced over my shoulder and saw a familiar face. My stranger tilted his heads toward me, his breath warm against the shell of my ear.

“Where you goin’?”

There it was again. That confidence that I wasn’t going to pull away. And I didn’t. I was feeling too loose, too free and too good to turn him down. I didn’t want to anyway. He pulled me closer and I swayed my hips to the beat. His grip on my hips were firm as he kept pace with my movements and rocked back against me. I stopped thinking then and just went with the movements, the feeling of his solidness behind me and the thumping beat.

We danced in sync and I could feel a warmth building in my lower belly as I grew more aware of how close he was. My eyes swept across the crowd and I caught sight of Monica. She raised her brows at me, her eyes pointedly glancing over my shoulder. She smirked as her eyes met my again and tapped her lips.

 _Just find one you’re willing to make out with_.

The challenge rung suddenly in my head and I blinked. Shit. My heart began to race with this realization.

 _‘I don’t make out with strangers in clubs,’_ The needling voice was back, as if attempting to push through the fog of alcohol.

 _‘Bitch, with this nigga you will_ ,’ the much louder voice in my head said. She didn’t come out often, but I was four shots and two drinks in. My inner hoe was not having it with my shyness today. 

I turned towards my stranger and titled my face up into his. I had no idea what to say. Did I just ask him to make out? Did he want to? I was outside my realm of expertise at this point and had no way of knowing of how to move forward. Dancing was one thing—I didn’t have to talk. But this….

His dark eyes were studying mine and he must have seen the conflict I was having because he flashed that smirk at me again. He titled his head towards another area of the club and I got the message. Apparently, he was going to make this easier for me. I ventured another a glance over my shoulder. Monica was dancing with another guy and I couldn’t see Alisha or Ralph anywhere. I couldn’t catch Monica’s attention. I was on my own.

I turned back to mystery guy and he raised a brow. I nodded and trailed after him as he led me through the crowd. I was stepping into foreign territory.

This new section of the club that was dimly lit and the music wasn’t as loud here. I was still riding the wave of confidence from earlier, but I was definitely out my element. After surveying the room, I turned towards mystery guy who had settled on the lounge and was watching me.

His gaze was intense, liking he was studying me and trying to figure out how I worked. I blinked again and nudged my glasses up the bridge of my noise. It was a nervous tic I had. He flashed that smirk again. I was really beginning to love and hate that smirk. The warmth in my stomach was still there as I stared down at him before the only clear instruction came in my head.

 _‘Fuck it._ ’

With a bravado I didn’t normally feel I settled into his lap and lunged for his lips before I had the chance to think about it. His hands found my waist quickly as he pulled me further into his embrace. At least I hadn’t misread his interest.

I tangled my fingers in his dreads as his lips parted mine, his tongue sweeping into my mouth with the authority and dominance that just seemed so natural to this guy. I groaned as one hand slid down to the curve of my ass and squeezed.

_Shit._

I pulled back gasping to stare into his eyes. I licked my lips and his eyes followed the movement.

“What’s your name?” I blurted the question without thinking.

He arched a brow at me before tilting my head back towards him.

“That’s what you askin’ now?”

I shrugged, and he shook his head at me.

“It’s Erik.”

“Oh. Mine’s Shae.”

He gave me a look that I was beginning to realize was amusement.

Kissing was the farthest I had ever gone with someone and in terms of experience…well, Erik was definitely my top contender. He kissed me with a force I had never experienced before, and my body felt heated all over. He didn’t just kiss me –his hips began to rock into mine and I could feel clear evidence that he was definitely happy to be here. I pulled away as he continued to grind into me and his lips slid to my neck, his hips never losing their rhythm.

“Oh,” I gasped and slid my hands to his chest to brace myself. I didn’t have to worry about not knowing what I was doing… Erik obviously knew what to do.

I tilted my neck to allow him better access as his lips continued their exploration. One hand reached up to give my breasts a firm squeeze, my tightening nipples rubbing against the fabric of my dress.  

“Goddamn,” he muttered, and I shifted to meet his eyes. I couldn’t think through the lust that was coursing through me and I grinded against him, reveling in the feel of his clothed erection rubbing against my panties. He rocked harder into me and my hands flew to his broad shoulders to steady myself. The hard line of his erection was rubbing right against my clit and…

“Oh god,” I gasped and leant forward, pressing my lips against his neck.

“Thought I told you what my name was, baby girl…” he muttered in my ear and I shuddered.  

 “I’ve never… this isn’t…” my eyes fluttered closed as I struggled to form a coherent sentence.

“Yeah?” he encouraged. His voice was smug, his movements never faltering.

I jerked when a hand suddenly slid between my legs and my eyes flew open to meet his. His thumbed circled my clit a few times and my mouth fell open in a soundless scream. His eyes never left me as I came undone.

“Oh that’s…. oh, yes…”

He didn’t let up, keeping his grip on my waist when I tried to wiggle my hips away from his questing fingers. I slumped forward, feeling suddenly boneless as my legs still twitched from the aftershocks.

“You good?”

I nodded against his chest and felt it rumble from his laugh. I was apparently amusing the fuck out of this nigga.

 “Whatcha tryna do?”

I blinked at him and swallowed.

“Um… I didn’t really think that far ahead.”

 “I’ve got a few ideas.”

Oh, I’m sure he did.

“Shae!”

I jerked away, turning to find Alisha coming towards me. Erik didn’t seem bothered, watching her approach with a mild expression, his hands still resting on my waist. They tightened for a second when I made a move to pull away but loosened at the last second.

I scrambled off his lap, struggling to right my clothing. Erik leaned forward on his knees and tugged me so I was still between his legs. I shot him an exasperated look and he grinned back at me.

Alisha paused when she caught sight of him, her eyes darting from him back to me.

“Who is he?”

“Oh,” I said, relieved I had asked his name, “this is Erik.”

 

Her eyes narrowed. Alisha had more experience with men and from her expression she wasn’t feeling Erik. He returned her gaze evenly.

“We’re leaving, Shae.” She didn’t say anything about how she found me, but she kept her gaze on Erik as she spoke.

“Oh ok.”

Alisha had a way of making me feel like a misbehaving child even though she was just a year older than me.

When I moved to step away, Erik tugged me back. I glanced over my shoulder at him startled.

“What’s your number?”

I blinked at him, my gaze darting to Alisha and back. He saw the movement and titled his head at me.

“She yo momma or somethin’?”

I couldn’t help the laugh that burst out while Alisha glared at him.

“Nigga….” I recognized that edge in her voice.

“It’s ok, Alisha. I got it.” She raised her brows at me.

“Fine. We’re out front and leaving in 5, Shae.”

I nodded and watched as she left with a shake of her head.

“Sorry,” I murmured as he handed me his phone and I typed my number in. “She’s just a bit protective.”

He snorted then pulled me down for another sudden kiss. It left me gasping as I pulled away. His smug look was back as he released me from his grip.

“Imma hit you up, alright?”

I nodded. I didn’t really believe he would…but in terms of having memories of sexual experiences, Erik was definitely going to be source material for the future.  

And at least I could say I had met Monica’s challenge.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae tries her best to forget about last night, but the things you try to ignore tend to be harder to forget.

The light that filtered through my blinds made me groan. I sunk further into my bed, tugging the comforter over my head. Someone shifted beside me on my bed and I froze. Carefully, I peered over my shoulder, my stomach churning.

Alisha met my gaze with a smirk.

“Expecting someone?”

I let out the breath I’d been holding and sagged in relief. I rolled over to face her more fully and propped my head up into my hand.

“No. Why would I?”

She arched a brow at me and I scratched at my bonnet. I blinked and tugged lightly on it.

“Yeah, you were gone, so I got you home and dressed for bed.” She chuckled and shook her head. “Which, to be honest, is always an interesting experience.” 

I scrunched my face at her. “How bad was I?”

She sat up in bed and studied me.

“How much do you remember?”

That’s always an interesting question after a night of drinking. It was never a matter of not remembering what I _did_ , but what I had been _thinking_ when I did it.

And I could not remember what I had been thinking when I had made out with Erik and….

“Oh god,” I groaned, and she hummed thoughtfully.

“So, you do remember that nigga.”

It was a statement and I groaned again.

“You know, Shae, I’ve got to admit you really take a challenge to a next level.”

I rolled onto my back to stare up at the ceiling.

“Monica got into my head. Where is she anyway?”

I saw Alisha shrug out of the corner of my eye.

“Don’t know. Said she was leaving around the time I came to get you.”

I hummed thoughtfully. Probably that guy I had seen her dancing with.

My mind drifted to the night before and even though I was beginning to feel the first stirrings of embarrassment, I had to admit…It had been a really interesting night. Erik was a good kisser. And he had handled my body in a way that had me squeezing my thighs together….

“Aye.”

I glanced over at Alisha who was frowning at me.

“You ain’t going to let him hit you up, are you?”

I sat up, staring at her in shock.

“What?”

“You heard me, Shae. That nigga is a fuckboi on a whole other level.”

“I know that,” I said defensively as she slid out of bed.

“I’m serious Shae. You gave that nigga a taste and he _will_ be coming back. That’s what they do.”

I scrunched my face at her as I wrapped my arms around my knees. She tugged her scarf off her head and began fluffing her hair as she moved about the room, picking up clothes and toiletries. We all lived a bit away from each other, but my house had been designated as the half way point. Whether it was a night out or a game night, the girls tended to stay at my place whenever we hung out. She turned to me, pointing her “momma finger” at me.

“And I know you. You’ll catch feelings if you fuck around with that nigga and _that_ is when he’ll break your heart.”

I glared at her.

“I know.”

“Don’t let him fuck up your life. You’ve worked too hard…”

“I know, Alisha. Damn.”

She rolled her eyes before leaving the room. I flopped back onto the bed with a groan. Alisha was right. I knew she was right. But I couldn’t get that smirk out of my head.

My phone startled me with its sudden ring. I glanced at it and saw Megan’s name flash across my screen.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Shae! I’m so sorry to ask this, but I was wondering if you could take my shift today?”

I worked with Megan at one of the many libraries on campus. It was an easy job and it helped supplement the money that my scholarship didn’t cover for the graduate program I was in.

“My car broke down and I haven’t been able to find anyone to cover me…”

“It’s fine,” I interrupted her. I didn’t have any other plans and it’d be a good way to catch up on my paper.

“Thank you so much, Shae! I know it’s the late shift, but I’ll definitely take a shift for you.”

“It’s cool,” I said finally rolling out of bed. “More money, for me, you know?”

Megan had the night shift, so I spent the rest of the day with Alisha relaxing and trying to overcome my mild hangover. We didn’t mention last night again and fell into our usual routine of teasing and laughter that came natural to longtime friends.

“Make sure to lock up when you leave tonight,” I told her as I slipped my headband on and fluffed out my ‘fro. 

She waved at me in acknowledgment. “I’ll text you when I leave.”

“Kay,” I said slipping my bag over my shoulder and heading out.

My apartment wasn’t that far from campus and I was able to take the bus.

The tradeoff for working the night shift was that it was quiet. It was mostly students pulling all-nighters or scrambling to meet project deadlines. Given how late it was, I considered staying after my shift ended at midnight. I didn’t have an early start tomorrow, so it wouldn’t be too bad.

The night went by slowly and I was lazily scrolling through my last edit, searching for any new ideas to add to my paper, when my phone lit up. I spared a brief glance at it, thinking it was probably Alisha letting me know she was heading home.

I unlocked my phone and glanced down.

_‘Hey, ma. I’m already missing you in that purple dress.’_

My eyes widened, my heart beginning to hammer in my chest.

Oh shit. I slapped my phone down, making sure I couldn’t see the screen. I hadn’t thought he’d contact me. I mean, I’m sure there were tons of other girls he could call on, why me?

My phone buzzed again, but I ignored it, sliding my headphones in and pulling up my music.

I continued typing, my heart hammering. I didn’t know why I was so nervous. It was just a text. I could ignore him—there wasn’t a chance that I’d see him again. I let out a breath and rolled my shoulders. Yep. I wasn’t going to let this stress me.

A light rap on the desk had me turning my chair.

“How can I help…”

I froze as my eyes landed on a familiar form.

Erik stood in front of me, leaning against the circulation desk wearing that same damn smirk.

“Wassup, shorty?”

I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose and took a deep breath.

“How can I help you?”

He arched a brow at me.

“Oh, it’s like that then?”

I forced a fake smile on my face. _Do not engage. Do not engage_.

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

“You sure? Cause the girl last night seemed to know exactly what she wanted.”

I felt my face heat.

_This is exactly why I don’t like going out._

_‘Bitch, please,’_ inner hoe said. _‘You loved it.’_

Dammit.

I cleared my throat.

“Oh yeah, well I lost my phone and had to get a new one. I guess I must have missed your texts.”

“Oh word?”

“Uh huh,” I nodded.

He slid out his phone and sent a quick text.

My phone buzzed next to me and he gave me a challenging look.

Swallowing, I glanced at my phone and back at him.

“Oh, would you look at that?”

He gazed at me a little longer, before he shook his head and let out a small laugh. I liked the sound of his laugh.

_Shit_.

“Damn, ma. You somethin’, you know that?”

I shrugged.

“So, I’ve been told. What are you doing here?” 

“I’m normally here on Sunday nights grading papers,” he replied evenly, his fingers drumming lightly against the desk.

It was my turn to stare at him.

“You’re a teacher?”

“Nah, graduate teaching assistant.”

I blinked at him.

“Here?”

Something flashed in his eyes as he stared back at me.

“Yeah. Got a problem with that?”

I held up my hands defensively. I hadn’t meant to offend him, but he was definitely throwing me for a loop. He was in a graduate program? Shit. That meant he was smart, which was another check in my box.

_Nope. We are not checking boxes for this nigga._

“Sorry, I just meant I hadn’t seen you around. Granted I normally work in the afternoons on Wednesdays and …”

I trailed off when I realized he was watching me intently.

“Yeah?”

Oh. I hadn’t meant to tell him that much. _Don’t engage!_

 “Well anyway, I have to get back to work…”

He made a point to let his eyes sweep across the basically empty room before looking back at me.

“And unless you need help with something…”

“Yeah, I got something you can help me with.”

I braced for the inevitably dirty suggestion and was surprised when he pulled out a slip of paper out of his pocket and handed it to me.

“I’m looking for this book.”

I glanced down at the call number and back to him. I narrowed my eyes at him and he grinned.

I sighed.

“Well this it’s on this floor and if you go down the left aisle….”

“Nah. Imma need you to show me.”

I glared at him.

“Really?”

He shrugged and looked at me pointedly. Dammit. Playing dumb was my game. Resignedly, I locked my computer before getting up.

This was going to be a lot harder than I thought.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae is sure what Erik wants, but isn't so sure about what she wants.

** Chapter 4 **

****

            Erik had an aura about him that reminded me of a documentary I watched once on leopards. I have no idea why that animal came to mind, but as Erik followed me casually, with a grace and alertness in his step that I didn’t see with most men, it was the first one that came to mind. He was taller and bigger than me and yet I couldn’t hear his steps as he followed behind me. When I glanced over my shoulder to check to see if he was still there, his eyes slowly slid up my form to meet my gaze. I jerked back around, my face heating at the look in his eyes. I didn’t have to look again to know he was smirking at me.

           

We (finally) found his book and when I reached up to grab it, I could feel him suddenly behind me.

 

“This one?”

  
I nodded trying to ignore the solidness of his body right behind me. I could suddenly remember the hard planes of muscle that had been grinding against me the previous night. A familiar warm feeling was beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach and I swallowed.

 

He paused behind me after he tugged the book off the shelf and I could feel my heart pounding in my ears.

 

He was messing with me. Erik must have sensed my inexperience and I hated that I couldn’t control how I responded to him. I didn’t let most guys get this far with me and I was beginning to realize that when it came to Erik I was constantly being pushed out of my element.

  
I didn’t like the lack of control.

 

I moved away from him turning so that I could keep an eye on him. I leaned against the shelf behind me and crossed my arms.

 

“Is that it?”

 

He raised his brows at me again.

 

“You always this cold the night after?”

 

“I don’t normally have those types of nights.”

 

I realized too late that my words didn’t have the intended effect. Erik’s eyes swept over me again before meeting mine. I didn’t feel like I was wearing anything interesting. Just a pair of short overalls and a dark t-shirt and tennis shoes. But the look in his eyes had me hugging my arms to my chest.

 

“Stop doing that.”

 

He cocked his head at me.

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Looking at me like that.”

 

He rubbed his jaw as he studied me.

 

“Can’t help it, ma. Specially not when I can remember how that ass…”

  
“Shh!” My eyes darted around, searching worriedly for any eavesdroppers.

 

He leaned forward, crowding my space again. I had to tilt my head to look up at him.

 

“Ah is that what this is? You embarrassed now that we ain’t at the club?”

 

There was an edge in his voice that had warning bells ringing in my head. His words were from a familiar train of thinking. The thought that I was stuck up or that I was ashamed to be seen with someone like him. It irritated me that this tended to be the first train of thought that so many others had before.

 

“It’s not that. I don’t know you. I don’t normally…do those things and I had been drinking a lot.”

  
I took a deep breath and realized how good he smelled. Goddamn it.

 

Being honest was probably the best way to get out of this. I always relied on being honest, especially if I knew it was a way to deter guys away from me. Once they found out that I was into having a relationship and wasn’t budging on that, most of them gave up for an easier pick. In hindsight, it was kind of sad that the thought of relationship sent most men running.

 

“And it’s not that I didn’t enjoy it,” I said the warm feeling still present in my stomach and I ignored the smug look that flashed across his face. “But I know what you want and I’m not going to sleep with you.”

 

He cocked his head at me and raised a brow. I looked at him firmly.

 

“I’m sorry if I led you on like that last night… but I don’t sleep with someone I’m not with.”  

  
He didn’t need to know that I hadn’t slept with _anyone_. That wasn’t his business.

 

Erik studied me carefully, his eyes searching my own. It was unnerving. It was like he was trying to look past my words for something unspoken. I struggled to meet his gaze, feeling relief when he finally took a step back.

 

“Aight.”

 

I blinked at him.

 

“Really? You’re not going to… I don’t know, throw a fit or something?”

 

He snorted.

 

“What bitch ass niggas you be dealin’ with? Nah. Don’t trip ma, we good.”

 

“Oh,” I said and felt a tension I had been holding ease out of me. I was relieved he hadn’t reacted in ways I was used to.

 

“We could be friends, if you wanted?”

 

_What the fuck?_

  
Why had those words left my mouth? I had been free and clear. I didn’t want him to think he had a chance. Hell, I wasn’t even supposed to be engaging with him. Alisha was right—Erik seemed like the type to break my heart and engaging with him was only setting me up for failure.

 

“Friends?” there was laughter in his voice as he looked at me. He apparently couldn’t believe I asked that either.

 

I shrugged weakly.

 

“I mean. You seem nice.”

 

Erik smiled at me. A genuine smile. And then he laughed.  I normally would have been offended if it were for the fact that his smile was one of the most beautiful things I had seen. Something told me he wouldn’t like hearing that.

 

“You for real, ain’t you?”

 

I frowned and planted my hands on my hips.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be? I’ll have you know I’m an amazing friend. And we’re already past that we ‘almost slept together’ phase, so why not?”

 

I felt my own challenging smile form on my lips.

 

“Or maybe you’re the type that can’t be friends with girls without trying to sleep with them.”

 

He blinked at me and slid his hands into his pockets.

 

“Yo, what you tryin’ to say?”

 

I smiled innocently. I felt more relaxed now. He wasn’t gunning for me anymore and I wasn’t as nervous.

 

“Nothing. Just wondering if that’d be possible for someone like you.”

 

“Someone like me?”

 

I watched him carefully. He was giving me a mild look and there wasn’t any indication that I had offended him.

 

“Well, you know... how you look…” I said and gestured at his form. His was wearing a blue hoodie and jeans but I could still tell that it was all muscle under there. His dreads were laid to the side and his beard was neatly trimmed. He was handsome and he knew it.

 

“How do I look ma?”

  
Shit. He was teasing me again. That had flipped fast.

 

“Well, I don’t know,” I huffed. “I’m just saying maybe being friends isn’t the first thing…oh never mind.”

 

“Nah, go ahead and finish what you were sayin’.”

 

I glared at him and he smirked back at me.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

He took a step forward, his hands still in his pockets as he held my gaze.

 

“Don’t think I do.”

 

I groaned.

 

“I take it back. I don’t want to be friends with you anymore.”

 

He chuckled and tweaked the end of my nose.

 

“Ah don’t be like that,” he said and leaned forward his lips coming dangerously close to mine. He watched me tense before grinning. He paused, and my eyes fell down to his full lips before looking back up to his face.

 

“I’ll be your friend, Shae,” his voice was low, the bass making that warmth return with renewed force. It was the first time he said my name. I had almost thought he’d forgotten it.

 

He flashed me a wink before backing away.  

 

“You work Wednesday afternoons, right?”

 

I nodded numbly, as he backed a few steps, his eyes still on me.

 

“Cool. I’ll turn this back in then.”

 

Huh? He motioned with the book as I struggled to regain my composure.

 

“Oh ok.”

 

He flashed me another one of his smirks and left. I stood rooted to my spot, gazing blankly at the row of books across from me. What the hell had just happened? A moment passed before a sudden thought occurred to me.

 

He hadn’t checked the book out.

 

“Dammit,” I muttered. I wasn’t sure what I was referring to.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae and Erik build a friendship and Shae gets clarification on where she stands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the comments and feedback! Once again, this is my first fic, so I'm just having fun building the characters and just seeing where the story takes me. I have a few other chapters I'm working on, but I'd like to make sure that they're where I want them to be before posting.

**  Chapter 5 **

            As promised, Erik showed up to my shift Wednesday evening. He strolled up to the circulation and dropped his book onto my desk. He looked at home in his long-sleeved navy blue shirt, army cargo pants and combat boots. A few dreads rested against his forehead, the rest pulled back. He looked gorgeous and I pressed my lips together.

He smirked at the annoyed look on my face.

“’Sup, ma?” he said casually, leaning against my desk, one arm propped up as he looked at me. Eyeing his broad shoulders, I wondered how many hours a day he had to work out to get a body like that.

“How can I help you, sir?” I asked, knowing I was being petty. He gave me a fake hurt expression.

“Here, I thought we was supposed to be friends.”

 _Shit_.

I winced, and his smirk slid into a grin. He was right, and I was being rude.

 _Time to step up, Shae_.

I sighed and slid the book towards me, quickly checking it in.

“Sorry. Just had a long day.”

It was lie and I felt that he knew that. He didn’t call me out on it though.

“When’s your shift over?”

I glanced at him.

“Why?”

“Was gonna take you to dinner.”

“Why?” I asked again, and he tilted his head at me, his grin slipping a bit.

“Why you gotta be so difficult, ma?” he asked, a hint of irritation in his voice.  

 _You’re the one who told him you wanted to be friends_.

I let out a sigh.

“I get off at 6:30. But the last bus comes around 11:30, so I can’t stay out too late.”

“You ain’t got a car?”

“No.”

He hummed thoughtfully, his fingers drumming on the counter. I wondered if that was a habit he had when he was thinking.

“Aight. I’ll see you, then,” he said, walking towards the study section on the first floor. 

I shook my head, and wondered, not for the first time, what I was getting myself into.

______  


Dinner, surprisingly, hadn’t been that bad. Erik was actually easy to talk to and once he managed to learn that I was a bit of an anime nerd, the night had devolved into a good-natured argument over which saga of Dragonball Z was the best and what some of our other favorite series were. I actually hadn’t been surprised when I found out we both liked Naruto and laughed when he rolled his eyes when I told him that I had grown up on Sailor Moon. 

He wasn’t condescending when we argued, and it had slightly endeared him to me. I don’t know how many arguments had turned nasty because some guys had proclaimed that because I was a girl, I couldn’t possibly understand the nuances of shows or tried to show me up with how much more trivia they knew than me. But Erik had a natural charm to him that had me opening up and we actually shared a laugh on more than occasion throughout our meal. I could feel my initial resistance to him wavering and after that night, deep down I knew I was in trouble.

The next few months were the most interesting moments of my life. In a short period of time, Erik became a fixed part of my life and we developed a routine. Erik would usually hang around during my shift, chatting me up during the slow times and studying and grading papers during my busier shifts.  Some nights he'd hang with me while I studied on my off days, engaging with me about my dissertation or other topics as we brought them up. During those nights, I attempted to learn more about him, but only managed to get a few pieces of information about Erik’s life.

I had learned that he was in the Navy Seals, which had explained how well built he was and the way he carried himself. I also learned he was from Oakland, which hadn’t been surprising. He didn’t tell me anything else about his past and my questions were met with evasiveness and eventual irritation until I backed off. Erik’s past was a sore point and I had learned quickly that some questions were more triggering than others.

            I had also confirmed my suspicion of Erik being smart. Actually, smart was an understatement. In my book, Erik was damn near a genius. I remembered feeling intimidated when I had seen the materials he had been working on for his masters, the papers reading like something only someone like Tony Stark would be able to comprehend. Erik followed along with them easily enough, often getting his work done so that he had time to help me on my own work. Not only that, but he held a wealth of knowledge, coming up with sources off the top of his head when I grew stuck on finding resources for my paper and actually engaging and arguing with me thoughtfully on topics such as justice reform, drug crises in the black community or cultural migration. I never felt inept whenever I talked to him and felt my own smug pride when I managed to win an argument or check him on something he knew.

The worst of it all was that not only was Erik gorgeous, but he was also extremely intelligent, turned out to be a huge turn on for me. There were a few times, when looking into those dark brown eyes and seeing that lazy smirk he gave me that I thought to myself that I was completely screwed. I was wading into dangerous territory in which I was slowly developing a crush on Erik Stevens.  And the bastard knew it.

Even as I felt that our friendship was growing, I still had the nagging fear that this was all a front. I told myself that someone like Erik wouldn’t be wasting his time on someone like me and could easily find another girl who would be an easier catch. I could tell Erik knew that I was attracted to him and I was never sure if his interest stemmed from the fact, that despite him knowing this, I still stayed firm on my stance that we should be friends. Realistically, I felt I couldn’t be the type of girl that Erik normally went with and I was beginning to value our friendship too much to risk it. How I had managed to friendzone someone like Erik was a testament to my will that I don’t think even he expected.

            I had my suspicions about Erik’s relationships or lack thereof. I never asked, and he never offered anything about it. One day, however, gave me more questions than answers.

We were having lunch at a local café, when a woman had approached our table, her eyes trained on Erik. She was pretty, taller and thinner than me, her dark hair laced with red highlights. Her makeup was tasteful, the colors accentuating her brown skin nicely. Her fashionable top, skirt and heels were on point and I suddenly felt underdressed in my Sailor Moon hoodie, faded jeans and converse.

When she reached our table, she rested a hand on his shoulder, dragging her painted nails slowly down his arm and flashing him a teasing smile. I slunk a bit lower in my seat as they exchanged a look that had a distasteful feeling run through me. I was not jealous.

 

Erik’s expression was neutral as he looked at her.

 

“Haven’t seen you in a while, E,” her voice low and husky.  

 

 _E?_ I wondered.

 

He shrugged but didn’t pull away from her hand. The feeling in the pit of my stomach intensified.

 

“Been busy.”

 

I sucked the water through my straw loud enough that their gazes both turned to me. I slowly slid the straw out of my mouth and smiled weakly.

 

“Sorry.”

 

Erik’s lips twitched, amusement in his eyes.  

 

Her eyes narrowed slightly, as she gave me a quick perusal that most girls did when sizing another up. Apparently seeing nothing threatening, she had turned gaze back to him, as her hand continued to stroke lightly up his arm. I twirled the straw in my glass, doing my best to pretend like I wasn’t there.

 

“I’m off tonight if you want me to hit me up,” she said lightly.

 

Is this what flirting looks like? I thought. I couldn’t see myself being this bold. 

 

“I’ll think about it.”

 

His words surprised me, and I darted a glance at him. He met my gaze and I looked away, unsure of how to read the look in his eyes. The woman pursed her lips in disappointment before her gaze darted to me, lingering a bit longer than the first time.

 

“Ok.”

 

She left with a toss of her hair over her shoulder and I let out a slow breath and sat up a bit straighter.

 

Erik propped his chin in his hand and smirked at me. I frowned.

 

“What?”

 

He tilted his head, the smirk growing.

 

“You’re jealous,” he said casually.

 

“No, I’m not,” I said, popping a chip into my mouth and chewing.

 

He continued watching me, as the silence grew between us. I tried a new tactic.

 

“You should talk to her later. She was cute,” I said, keeping my voice casual even as my stomach clenched again. I did not want to think of them together.

 

Erik’s said nothing, those dark eyes continuing to watch me.

 

“Actually, I was thinking of meeting up with Troy later to see a movie. He’s been asking to hang out for a while.”

 

His eyes narrowed, his face slipping into a blank expression. Troy worked with me on my Wednesday’s shifts and had met Erik when he had started hanging around. I could tell they didn’t like each other.

 

 I wasn’t trying to make Erik jealous, though. I mean why would he be? If the woman from earlier was any indication, Erik had a variety of options to choose from.

 

Erik sucked his teeth before leaning back in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest.

 

“It’s like that then?”

 

I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose and looked at him.

 

“Like what? We can see other people. After all, we’re just friends, right?”

 

Erik’s jaw clenched as he glared at me. I shifted in my seat, hunching my shoulders as I glared back at him.

 

“I mean, you’re not just hanging out with me just because you’re still trying to sleep with me, right?”

 

 The question spilled out my mouth before I could stop it and I realized too late that I didn’t really want the answer to that question.

 

“Yes.”

 

I gasped at his answer, my eyes widening in shock.

 

“What?”

 

He shrugged, his face neutral as he eyed my outraged expression.

  
“Never said I didn’t want to fuck you, ma. You thought that on your own with that ‘let’s be friends’ shit,” he said.

 

“But, I told you I don’t sleep around, Erik,” I snapped.

 

“Yeah, I know,” he replied.

 

“So, you don’t think we’re friends?”

 

“Nah, we’re friends,” he said, humor dancing in his eyes.

 

I stared at him in confusion and he laughed.

 

“Damn, ma, the look on your face,” he said shaking his head. He leaned forward, his dark eyes holding mine.

 

“Just ‘cause I’m your friend, don’t mean I don’t wanna fuck you,” he explained slowly.

  
I swallowed. I didn’t know how to handle his words. He knew my boundaries about not sleeping with someone who I wasn’t in a committed relationship.

 

“I don’t want a friends with benefits type situation either,” I clarified, thinking he might be the one confused. He raised a brow.

 

“I know,” he said.

 

I was getting really annoyed with that answer.

 

“I’m not going to sleep with you, Erik,” I told him testily and he smirked.

 

“Ok.”

 

I clenched my hands into fists into my lap and we stared each other down. My eyes drifted across his face, taking in the dark brows, full lips and neatly trimmed beard. His smirk grew as I continued studying him, the gold of his canines flashing at me. His was handsome and he knew the affect it had on me. I frowned at him.

 

In his own way, Erik was warning me. He was my friend for my sake, but apparently that was based on his desire for me. He knew that I wanted him and was calling me out on my desire to just remain friends.

 

 _This arrogant asshole…._  

 

Deep down, I was extremely flattered. I had had admirers in the past, men who had originally been attracted to the thickness of my ass and the fullness of my bust. I didn’t dress proactively, but when you had larger assets and wanted to feel good in the clothes you wear, you often had no choice but to wear clothing that hugged your curves more than you’d be comfortable with, especially for an introvert like me. But most of the time, men were either put off by my quietness, angry at my resistance to their sexual advances or simply lost interest over time. Honestly, I was surprised that given what I had just learned, Erik was still sticking around for as long as he had.

 

I crossed my arms over my chest.

 

“I’m serious, Erik,” I insisted.

 

“Ok,” he said again.

 

I pursed my lips.

 

“And you’re fine with things staying like this? Cause if you’re not…”

 

“You’ll ghost on me?” he interrupted, and I detected a hint of challenge in his voice.

 

 “Yes,” I said. I never backed down from a challenge. I met his gaze unflinchingly and watched his expression darken.

 

Then it was like a switch went off in him and his face cleared,  he rolled his shoulders and uncrossed his arms. He grabbed the bag of chips and popped a few into his mouth.

 

I blinked.

 

“That’s it?”

 

He arched a brow as he chewed.  


“What, you got somethin’ else you want to say?”

 

“No, but… I mean you didn’t say…”

 

“We good, Shae. I ain’t gonna try nothin.”

 

“Oh,” I said. I wasn’t sure if the emotion I was feeling was disappointment or relief.

 

“So…. we’re still going to hang?” I asked, hoping to clarify.

 

He gave me an exasperated look.

 

“Yes. Damn girl, you’re worrisome,” he muttered.

 

I stuck my tongue at him.

 

Relief. The emotion I was feeling was relief. He hadn’t called me on my bluff and I’d still get to be with him on my terms.

 

Even more important than that, I had just learned that despite all his talk, Erik wasn’t willing to stop hanging around me even though I wasn’t sleeping with him. I was apparently an exception to Erik’s self-imposed isolation and this knowledge left me with a warm feeling.

 

I could only hope that things wouldn’t change.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae's worst suspicions are confirmed

** Chapter 6 **

****

_‘Ok, so don’t be mad.’_  I typed into my phone.

 

‘ _What?’_ Alisha’s text popped up only a few seconds later. She must be on break.

_‘Remember that guy at the club? Um... the one where…”_

_‘That fuckboi nigga you was with? The one I told you NOT to fuck with?’_

I grimaced. I didn’t have to see Alisha to know she was probably getting pissed.

 

_‘Yeah well…. funny story…’_

_‘Shae, I swear if you…”_

The text cut off and I waited. She had stopped herself from completing the text and was waiting for my response. I took a breath and continued.

 

_‘Well, apparently he’s a graduate student AND a teaching assistant (he’s studying engineering) here and he happened to be working during that shift a week or two ago. You know, when I went in for Megan? Anyway, he was there, and we talked…I told him I wanted serious relationship and I don’t do one-night stands and he was cool about it. I told him we could be friends though and he was ok with that!’_

_‘You what??’_

 

_‘Don’t get mad! He’s being really chill about it. I mean I’m pretty sure he’s seeing other girls, so we’re obviously clear about it, you know? And we basically just eat and hang out together, nothing special._

_‘You seeing this nigga now??’_

_‘No! We’re just friends! That’s what I’m trying to tell you. Also, his name is Erik. I’m not sure if you actually already knew that or not… Did I mention he’s a Navy Seal?’_

A moment passed with no response. Then:

 

_‘Where are you?’_

‘ _I’m at home, why?’_

My phone rang suddenly, and I groaned. I should have seen this coming. I took a deep breath and answered the phone.

“Hey girl,” I said, hoping to put as much affection in my voice as possible.

 

“Uh uh. Don’t even with me, Shae. Girl, I told you not to…”

 

“Fuck with him, I know, Alisha” I finished for her.

 

“And what are you doing?”

 

“Technically, we’re not. We’re just hanging out…”

 

“Uh huh. And how you feel about him fucking around with other girls?”

 

My stomach clenched at her words and I pressed my lips together.

 

“Shae?”

 

“Yeah, I’m still here. Just thinking.”

 

Alisha's voice was gentler now.

 

"Girl, I'm not trying to ride you, I'm just trying to look out for you."

 

"I know," I said softly and drew my knees to my chest.

 

I heard her sigh. "Well, you fine with me still coming up this weekend?"

 

"Yeah. I’ll be braiding my hair this weekend, so I’ll just be at home.”

 

“Mmm….I may have you do mine,” she teased and I laughed.

 

______

 

The irony was that as soon as I told Alisha that I had been hanging with Erik, he disappeared. Suddenly and with no explanation, Erik walked out of my life as soon as he walked in.

 

It was after one conversation in particular that I had noticed something change. We had been the only two people on the third floor of the library. I had been researching sources for my paper and had the habit of reading aloud passages that I found interesting. 

 

_"Hope, a necessity to the mind of the oppressed, cannot be removed from the fear in which it arises," I read. Hope is active, requiring effort to bring about positive actions…. for without hope the oppressed cannot become free."_

_"You believe that?" Erik asked me. He was leaning back in his chair, his feet propped up on the end table in front of him. His expression was blank as he stared at a spot on the wall, absently twirling a pencil between his fingers._

_"About hope being a necessity?" I paused, thinking. "Yes, I do. Without hope, there can't be change. We have to hold on to something to see us through the dark times or we'll never be able to move forward."_

_He didn't respond, his brows furrowed as he continued staring at the wall. I had continued reading when he spoke suddenly._

_"I don't."_

_I blinked at him, lowering my book._

_"Huh?"_

_"I don't buy that hope bullshit.  That's how they keep you in line…telling you one day shit'll change. Hoping you'll be free and the suffering will stop."_

_His jaw clenched, before he continued, "That life won't keep fucking with you. But it won't."_

_He met my gaze and I saw something dark and heavy swirling in his gaze. My grip on my book tightened._

_"Nah, you gotta take matters in your own hands and fuck all that hope shit. No one is ever gonna give a fuck about you, but you. "_

_I studied him, knowing somehow that there was more weight to his words than his casual tone conveyed. His words held a deep pain that made my heart clench and I thought of my next words carefully._

_"Maybe. But you're thinking of hope as another obstacle to overcome. It's not. It's a tool, a way to push forward through the pain and fucked up shit that happens in life."_

_I glanced down at my book, my words stirring the thoughts I've had in the past._

_"I think without hope…that's how they control you. Because they won't have to lift a finger because you'll fall into the darkness yourself and become someone you won't recognize. And when that happens they can shape you into whoever they want, turn you into whoever they want you to be."_

_I met his gaze, exhaling at his unreadable expression._

_"You have to let yourself believe in other people, no matter how fucked up people can be. Because once that piece of you is taken away, that's when they've won."_

_We stared at each other in silence. The pencil in his hand snapped and I jumped. He rose quickly, slinging his bag over shoulder before turning away._

_"Erik, what's wrong?" I asked, feeling slightly frightened by the dark expression on his face._

_"Nothing. I'll see you around, Shae," he said, but I remembered thinking to myself that his words had sounded like a final goodbye._

That night had been months ago, and I hadn't spoken to him since. No texts or calls and I hadn't seen him at the library or the café we had frequented for lunch. I tried not to be disappointed or hurt at his obvious lost of interest. I had hoped Erik would be different than most guys whom had tried their hand at getting into my pants by "playing the friend".

 

And when it had become clear that I wasn't going to see him again, I had admitted to myself how attracted to him I was and not just on a physical level. He moved through the world with a fierceness that I envied and sometimes being with him was like living on the edge. He was a danger that I had never experienced, and I was both exhilarated and terrified.

 

I told myself that it was for the best and that I had dodged a bullet by going as far as I did with him that night. He hadn’t been my boyfriend. And we _had_ stayed in that neutral territory of friendship. And sometimes, as in all things in life, friendships ended suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

No hard feelings, right?

____

 

"Damn, that nigga is fine as _fuck_ ," Monica said and I rolled my eyes. Monica had stopped off at my place for a quick visit before traveling to a family function.

 

"Really? That's your take away from this?" I asked.

 

I had been reading out loud an article regarding Wakanda's announcement that they would be sharing their technology and resources to the world. Monica had spotted the photo of King T'Challa in a tailored suit and had made a sound of approval.

 

"Well, it's true," Monica said and I sighed. "And girl, I listened to his speech and let me tell you that accent has a girl we…"

 

"Monica!"

 

She laughed at my expression.

 

I wasn't sure how I felt about Wakanda's revelation. On the one hand, I was ecstatic to see an African nation willing to share their resources and wealth for the betterment of people around the world. The King seemed genuine in his speech about helping others and I could hear the passion in his voice.

 

But on the other hand, I couldn't help but wonder why now. Where had Wakanda been throughout the years? Had they seen the suffering on their own continent? And what about America? Given the article, I had read that they planned to open their first outreach centers in Oakland, California. So that must mean they knew of how the black community had suffered. And they had done nothing.

 

I could think of someone in particular who could have benefited from the support of Wakanda had it been available. Who wouldn't have been so harmed by the harshness of life and the traumas that came with it.

 

I frowned, staring at the wall, annoyed by how easily my thoughts still could return to him after all this time.

 

"You should work at one of their outreach centers."

  
Monica's question snapped me out of my thoughts and I glanced at her.

 

"Huh?"

 

"The Wakanda Outreach Center. You'd be good at it. Maybe a counselor or something for the kids there."

 

Her words surprised me. We didn't hang out one on one with each as much as I did with Alisha, so I was often surprised with the insight she had for me. She rolled her eyes at my expression.

 

"Girl, you don't think I know how smart you are?" She tsked. "You're always going on and on about how you want to make an impact and help people, this be a good place to start."

 

Hmm. That wouldn't be a bad idea. I hadn't decided on whether I wanted to use my PhD in psychology to work for another practice or pursue certification to establish my own practice.

 

"And besides, if you work there, I can try meet that fine ass King of theirs. I wonder if he's single…."

 

Monica and I looked at one another and burst out laughing.

 

________

 

It was a warm Friday evening and I had just finished my last shift for the week. I was feeling good. I was coming towards the end of my masters and my dissertation was shaping up nicely. I was excited for the next stage of my life and moving on from my time spent in graduate school.

 

 As I walked towards the bus stop, I began considering my options for takeout. I didn't feel like navigating the bus route to stop on the way home. Damn…I should really start thinking about getting a car.

 

My phone rang suddenly, and I answered absentmindedly.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hey ma.”

 

The familiar deep voice made my stomach clench and I stopped in my tracks.

 

“Erik?”

 

He chuckled, and I groaned internally. How could I still be this reactive to the sound of his voice?  

 

“Who else would it be?”

 

   I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I wanted to hang up the phone. His disappearance had shown me how little he cared about me and I didn't owe him anything. But something in me wouldn't let me do it.

 

“What do you want?” I asked instead, irritation lacing my voice. _Where have you been? What happened to you? Why did you leave?_ All the unspoken questions floated in my head.

 

“Don’t be like that, Shae,” his tone was light and teasing, as if he had spoken to me just yesterday. _Fine, be that way_.

 

I frowned, glaring at the lamppost in front of me. They had begun to light as the sun was setting. I waited and said nothing. He still hadn’t answered my question.

 

“Where you at?”  

 

“I’m at home,” I lied. I didn’t really want to see him.

 

 _Yes, you do._ I grimaced.  

 

“Yeah? Look to your right.”

 

Confused I turned my head and spotted an expensive looking black sports car parked not too far from me. Leaning against it was Erik, wearing a black hoodie, dark jeans and Jordans. He saluted me.

 

I rubbed a hand across my face.

 

“Why you even try lyin’ to me, Shae?”

 

“What do you want, Erik? And please tell me that’s not your car.”

 

“Why wouldn’t it be? Come here and take a look if you don’t believe me.”

 

There was a challenge to his tone that had me straightening. I shot him a look before turning back towards the bus stop. It was running late. Again. 

 

“I’m good.”

 

“Come here, Shae.”

  
The command was low, and it made me pause—glancing back towards him. His posture was casual as he leaned against his car, one hand slipped into his hoodie pocket.

 

Unthinkingly I began walking towards him.

 

“Don’t boss me around, Erik.”

 

He just laughed and hung up the phone as I approached him.

 

I stopped in front of him, tilting my head to look up at him as his eyes swept over me. He tugged lightly on one braid.

 

“Nice.”

 

 “Thanks, I do them myself," I said, my voice neutral.

 

That's right. The last time he had seen me, I had been wearing my hair out in an afro or occasional puff. Braiding my own hair cuts down on cost and time. The struggle was real when you spent most of your time studying, working and trying to remember the last time you ate, while also trying to maintain your natural hair. Natural hair care wasn’t for the faint of heart.   

 

“Word?” He tugged lightly on his own dreads. “You do these?”

 

I nodded.

 

“Yeah, I used to do them for my cousins when I was younger.”

 

We were chatting as if a day hadn’t passed since I last saw him. It was irritating.

 

“Where have you been?”

 

It was clear that he wasn’t going to answer my other question. I figured I could try another one. He shrugged.

 

“Business.”

 

I raised my brows at him and he met my gaze unflinchingly.

 

_Really, nigga? What business takes some one away for damn near a year?_

 

“What business?” I asked tersely.

 

He tilted his head at me and I could see a flicker of irritation in his eyes. I remembered that Erik didn't like being asked too many questions. Tough shit. I didn’t like people barging in and out of my life when they wanted, with no regard for how I felt.

 

Irritation slid to amusement as he continued to watch me.

 

“You missed me didn't you, ma?”

 

I shrugged. “Not really.”

 

He laughed and leaned towards me.

 

“You know you can’t lie to me, Shae. I can always tell.”

 

And he could. I hated how well Erik could read me.

 

I huffed and crossed my arms.

 

“Honestly, I barely noticed you were gone.”

 

“Ah, word? Cause I can just leave now if you want.”

 

He was challenging me again, trying to make me admit something that I didn’t want to. I didn’t move as he made his way to the driver’s side of the car, looking like he had every intent of pulling away and out of my life forever.

 

_Let him go, Shae. You don't want someone like that in your life._

“Wait.”

 

_Dammit, Shae._

 

He paused and raised a brow at me expectantly. Absently, I noticed a ring dangling from a gold chain around his neck. I hadn’t noticed him wear it before.

 

I took a deep breath and said,” I was worried about you.”

 

_No!_

Dammit. I had wanted to say, “fine, see you later, have a nice life.” But the words had fallen out of my mouth before I could stop them.

 

He studied me, his fingers drumming lightly on his car. We stared at each other a moment and I began to regret saying the words out loud. I nudged my glasses up the bridge of my nose.

 

He smiled. Another one of his rare genuine smiles where his dimples showed. It was quick but the sight of it made my anger and hurt with him waiver. I was a sucker for Erik’s smile. I wasn’t sure if he knew that. I hope not.

 

“You hungry?”

 

I blinked at him. That’s all he had to say? No, _I missed you Shae,_ or _I didn’t mean to make you worry,_ not even a _Well, you see, what had happened was?_

 

But then again, that wasn’t Erik’s style. Over the time I had been around him, I had to pick up on the subtle clues by the things he did than what he said. I didn’t really expect an apology or explanation, but it would have been nice.

 

I hesitated, weighing my options. I could tell him no, tell him I wasn’t really up for anything. But I wasn’t sure if I’d see him again. It was obvious to me that Erik could up and leave at any moment and I had no idea when or why. If I said yes, I’d be inviting him back into my life with the risk that he’d do it all over again.

 

And as much as I hated admitting it, it’d hurt to see how easily he could forget about me. And I shouldn't be…. We weren’t dating, and he didn’t owe anything to me. But I had liked his attention and being around him and I wasn’t sure if that was me being selfish or not. I was never sure about how to handle Erik and I often prided myself of being able to properly dissect a problem and come up with a solution. When it came to Erik, I was out of my depth.

 

“You think too much, Shae.”

 

I blinked at him, his words startling me out of my thoughts.

 

“Huh?”

 

He rolled his eyes and gestured towards the car.

 

“Get in.”

 

I pursed my lips at him. There he goes again, bossing me around. But I knew what he was doing. Erik knew I had a tendency to over think things, so he was making the decision for me. I could ignore him and just leave and never see him again.

 

I got in the car instead. Sometimes, it was better to just do things they think too much about them. Why not live a little, even if your heart might get broken in the end?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I stated earlier, in my fic Erik survives. So in this chapter, I wanted it to be clear that Erik's absence is due to the events of the movie. Ah, the wonderful world of fiction when you can make your own rules!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae confronts Erik on his absence and makes a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments! I am so happy that people are liking this story! I'm trying to continue a realistic pace while staying engaging and it's been both a fun and challenging experience. My goal is to have a series at one point that expands upon the future journey and some things I have in store for Shae, but we'll see.

** Chapter 7 **

****

I was an expert at the silent treatment. In all honesty, I could go days at a time without talking to anyone if I didn’t have to. Give me books, music and computer and I’d be satisfied for days. I think that’s why being a counselor was appealing to me. I’ve been told I’m a good person to talk to, because I preferred listening to other people than really do it myself.

 

I hadn’t spoken a word since I got in the car. I had told myself I wouldn't say anything unless he’d answer any of the questions I had asked him earlier.

 

It wasn’t working as planned. Erik hadn’t reacted, simply turned the radio up as we sped along the road. Arms crossed and leaning against the window, I watched the scenery pass with growing irritation.

  
I had no idea where we were going. I began tapping my finger against my arm, pursing my lips.

 

The song changed and still not a word was spoken. We weren’t near campus anymore and I was beginning to lose my nerve. Before he’d left, we hadn’t seen each other off campus—mostly meeting at the local café or library. I hadn’t wanted the temptation of him dropping me off at home and managing to charm his way into my place. My will was strong, but not that strong…

 

“Where are we going?”

 

Erik’s fingers drummed to the beat on his steering wheel.

 

“So, you talkin’ now?”   

 

And suddenly, hearing the sarcasm in his voice, something in me snapped.

 

I considered myself a laid-back person, easy to get along with and able to let go of slights people brought against me. Growing up I had been a sensitive kid, too hyper aware of how everyone felt, saddened that I couldn’t help the people I cared about when I saw them in pain.

 

My momma had told me that my kind heart would get me in trouble one day. She had loved me but had worried that my compassion would make me blind to those who’d take advantage of me.

 

But even I had my limits. If he was going to be this way, inconsiderate of how I felt, _knowing_ how I felt…. 

 

“Pull over.”

 

Erik glanced at me and frowned. My eyes narrowed.

 

“Pull over. I’m going to walk to the next bus stop.” My hand flew to the door handle. I wasn’t stupid enough to pull the door open, but I wanted him to know I was serious.

 

“Chill out, Shae.”

  
I turned to him, hating the tears welling in my eyes.

 

“I haven’t seen you in months. No texts, no calls, not even a fucking email. And I had been stupid enough to think that you…” I paused, the words choking in my throat.

 

I was not going to cry. 

 

Erik remained silent, his face blank as his eyes stayed trained on the road.

 

“That we were friends. I knew you had secrets and a past and some shit that’s happened to you that you don’t talk about. But I didn’t care because I like you Erik. You’re smart and you make me laugh and I felt safe around you.”

 

His grip tightened on the steering wheel but still he remained silent.

 

“And I take my friendships seriously. I care about my friends. I worry when they disappear and don’t talk to me and I have no idea what happens to them. Not just for weeks. For _months,_ Erik.”

  
I was shaking and clenched my hands in my lap.

 

“And then you come back, and you act like nothing’s changed. Like you don’t care. And you won’t even talk to me. You won’t say what happened or where you’ve been.”

 

A few tears spilled out and I rubbed at my eyes, my glasses hitching higher up my face.  I didn't want him to see my cry.

 

“Africa.”

 

I looked at him, blinking through the tears in my eyes.

 

“What?”

 

We had pulled up to a red light and Erik rubbed a hand across his brow, his body still tense.

 

“I was in Africa.”  
  
I stared at him and he leaned his head back against the headrest, staring straight ahead.

 

“What were you doing?” 

  
His gaze slid toward me and he said nothing. My fingers twitched, and I wiped away the remaining tears that had fallen. He let out a sigh.

 

“Dealin’ with family shit.”

 

We grew silent again as the light turned green and he pressed on the gas.

 

What did that mean? His response prompted more questions and it still wasn’t enough but.…

 

But, he had answered me. Before, he’d probably have let me out, telling me to calm down before he spoke to me again. Now, he seemed to be willing to answer, although reluctantly.  It hadn’t been a lot, but I could tell the signs when someone was trying. Erik was making sure I was getting good use of my psychology studies.

 

“Ok,” I said, and watched curiously as he relaxed slightly.

 

“But I’m still mad at you,” I added, and he snorted. His lips twitched.

 

“I know. You still got that temper, ma,” he said, and I shrugged.

 

“Only with you,” I muttered, and he laughed.

 

_____

 

“I’m going to ask you three questions,” I said, dipping my fries in ketchup, “and if you answer them, _honestly_ , I’ll forgive you.”

 

Erik leaned back in his seat and eyed me. “So, you giving out orders now?”

 

We sat in a booth in the back of a diner which boasted to having the best burgers in the area. I had to admit they were pretty good.

 

I met his gaze, feeling the frustration building again. If anything, I was being generous. I had no problem giving someone a second chance, but they’d be on my terms. I wanted to test his resolve, see if him returning to my life was genuine and the best way would be to do something I knew he’d often avoid. He was going to answer these questions, or we were done. 

 

He studied my expression, rubbing a hand across his jaw. He knew I was serious.

 

“Fine.”

 

Oh. That had been easier than I expected. I hesitated, realizing I hadn’t chosen my questions yet. Why had I only said three questions?

 

“I’ll ask five….”  


“Nah. You get three,” he said, smirking when I pouted.

 

Shit. Ok. I had already asked where he’d gone, which had answered. It wasn’t specific, but I didn’t want to waste time on figuring it out. And he had said family business was why he was going. But to go for so long…

 

“You gonna ask or what?” he asked.

 

“Yeah, hang on,” I snapped, and he chuckled.

 

Ok. I knew one.

 

“Why did you stop answering me?”

 

It had been bothering the most, his complete dismissal when he’d stop responding to me when I reached out to him.

 

“I told you. I had shit to deal with,” he said casually and continued eating.

 

I frowned, unhappy with his answer.

 

“You could have told me. I would have understood,” I said, fiddling with my napkin.

 

He took another bite of his burger and said nothing.

 

“I would have listened,” I insisted.

 

“I know,” he said. 

 

I blinked at that. I was starting to regret this. Every time he answered I just had more questions.

 

“Why did you come back?”

 

Erik took a sip of soda, before leaning back in his seat again. He regarded me for a moment and I began tearing my napkin into small pieces, trying not to let him bother me. His expression was closed but I could see the heat in his gaze as he continued staring at me.

 

“You.”

 

He said it simply with no elaboration. I stared at him, trying to read the look on his face. He met my gaze evenly and I let out a shaky breath. My napkin laid in pieces on the table and I didn’t have anything else to do with my hands. I tucked them into my lap.

 

“Why me? I obviously didn’t mean anything to you,” I said softly, and he frowned at the hurt in my tone.

 

“I ain’t never said all that,” he snapped, and I glared at him.

 

“But you just left and I thought we were cool...”

 

“Fuck, I know that, Shae,” he interrupted me, his fingers drumming an angry rhythm on the table. He turned his head, staring unseeing out the diner window.

 

I waited quietly, resolving not to let this go.

 

_He came back for me?_

Finally, Erik let out a breath and glanced at me.

 

“I had plans. You would have gotten in the way,” he said. A sudden wry smile crossed his lips as he studied me. “Thought about coming to get you though.”

 

I stared at him, my face heating. His last words had a familiar heat to them and I shifted in my seat. But he was teasing me again, giving me an honest answer without elaborating. Erik was clever and was playing this game well. Even as annoyed as I was, I was reminded by how much I liked Erik’s cleverness.

 

But I was still confused. 

 

“What plans are you talking about?”

 

“You got your three, Shae.”

 

My eyes widened, my mind recounting the last few moments.

 

“No, I didn’t. That was two!”

 

He grinned at me.

 

“You asked ‘why me?’ That’s three.”

 

“That’s not fair! You didn’t answer that one!”

 

“Yeah?” he leaned forward, fingers tipping up my chin to make sure that I held his gaze. “You gotta a way of staying on a nigga’s mind without even trying, ma. Ain’t no way I was gonna forget about you.”

 

I tugged away, my heart pounding as I stared at him.

 

Damn him. He knew just what to say to make my heart race, no matter how much time had passed.

 

“You’re an ass,” I told him. I had never been afraid to call him out on his shit when he bugged me and I didn’t care that we hadn’t seen each other in a while. 

 

He laughed.

 

“Ay, they were your rules, not mine, ma,” he said.  

 

 

I held up to my end of the bargain and I gave him another shot.

 

 I wasn’t naïve enough to forget who Erik really was, but I had learned that if I truly wanted to give someone a second chance, I had to give them room to try.

 

And to my surprise, Erik did.  I had no idea what had happened while he was gone, but it wasn’t the attitude I was expecting when we started hanging out again. There was a still an edge to him, a fire that I had learned would never go out, but he seemed calmer somehow. More controlled. When he’d get pissed off his response wasn’t as quick, even though I could still see it in his eyes. They were the one thing I could read with Erik—I could tell a lot about how he was feeling just by looking into those dark eyes of his. His new behavior was slowly breaking down the boundaries I had rebuilt for myself. He spoke to me more, willingly answering more of the questions I had for him instead of avoiding them. They were small changes, and he still had his secrets, but he was giving me more to work with.

 

Like the time I had asked him how he had kept up with his studies since he had been gone and I found out that he graduated before he had left. I hadn’t realized he had been as far into his PhD as I thought when I met him.

 

_“You didn’t tell me you graduated already!”_

_He saw the hurt look on my face and shook his head._

_“Chill, Shae, it wasn’t a big deal.”_

_“Erik, you’re an MIT graduate. That’s a big fucking deal! Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been there!”_

Or when I tried asking again about his family, still trying to guess what his “family business” had been and was surprised when he didn’t evade me.  He told me that his father was from a country in Africa, but he hadn’t said where. He also told me that he died when he young though he didn’t say how. Always a riddle with him. 

 

He did briefly mention his mother and I learned she had died as well. Erik’s behavior made more sense now. All that rage had to come from somewhere and Erik still had some deep wounds that still haunted him. I had guessed when I had first got to know him that his childhood was rough, but I had no idea the scale.

 

Even with all that trauma, I could see the shift in him since he returned, and I wondered if he had found something that was helping him heal. After this revelation, I stopped pushing him. I had learned that it was better to let people open up to you themselves by letting them let go at their own pace. No matter how impatient I was to learn more about Erik, I realized I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to open up to me own his own.

____

Three months had passed and there were moments where I wondered if Erik wanted something more. More than just my friendship and maybe more than just wanting to sleep with me. I didn’t dare ask him about it again, but I think I had made it clear that I was still serious about being in a committed relationship. It was old school, but I had a right to determine what to do with my body and when I wanted to sleep with someone. I mean…I wasn’t saying I was tempted. Erik was still gorgeous and there had been a few times where he had shown up in a few very exciting dreams. I couldn’t look him in the eyes on those days and it had been even worse because he would just look at me as if he _just knew_ why I couldn’t.

But even then, he didn’t push me, and I often found myself wondering what we were doing. He wasn’t my boyfriend and I hadn’t excepted him to change who he was seeing or stop hooking up with a girl that caught his fancy. I also didn’t except him to assume the same of me. Was he really satisfied with _just_ being my friend?

There were a few times that this question repeated in my head.

The first time was when Erik met Troy for the first time. Troy had started working during my shifts while Erik was gone. He was chill and fun to chat with, though we never talked about anything of substance. He was a boyish cute—with hazel eyes, mocha skin and an easy smile. But there wasn’t the same level of attraction as I had with Erik. 

No spark, as the cliché romance novels would say.

“What are you up to this weekend, Shae?” Troy asked, watching as I packed up for the day.

I tilted my head in thought.

“Not sure yet,” I sighed. “I’m so over this paper, it’s not even funny.”

He laughed.

“Yeah, I can tell. You need a break.” He nudged my knee with his hand, grinning. “You gonna watch the game tonight?”

I scrunched up my face in distaste.

“I’m not a fan of sports.”

“For real? Why not?”

I shrugged.

“Just never really got into them.”

I noticed Erik approaching and glanced at my phone. Crap, I’d miss his text that he was here.

“Hey,” I said, smiling apologetically when he reached me. “Sorry, I was just finishing up.” 

“We good,” Erik said, but his eyes were on Troy. They flickered to the hand still on my knee and he gave Troy a hard look.

Troy had a habit of touching people when he talked, and I had learned quickly how often he crowded people’s spaces. He was pleasant enough and never tried anything, so I tried not to mind it too much.

I stood up and Troy’s hand fell away. I walked from behind the desk, shouldering my bag.

 “Hey, man,” Troy said. Erik inclined his head to him, his hands in his pockets. He was wearing a long sleeved black shirt and dark jeans, his dreads braided back from his face. Troy was sizing him up and Erik seemed unbothered, standing in his usual confident stance.

Erik wasn’t exactly _unfriendly,_ but his presence had a way of intimidating other people. He moved with confidence and could be charming when he wanted to be, but there was always something just below the surface that warned “don’t fuck with me.”

I had the distinct feeling that Troy was catching that vibe.

“Um… this is my friend, Erik. Erik, this is Troy. He started working here about…two months?” 

“Three,” he teased, and I laughed.

“Right, three. Sorry, I swear time is going by quickly.”

“Nah, I’m just that much fun to hang around,” he said, tapping my arm lightly. Erik tensed beside me.

“You ready or what?” there was irritation in his voice and I glanced at him curiously.

What was his problem?

“Oh, yeah sorry. See ya, Troy,” I said.

“Hey, come by the bar tonight if you can. The new one on 45th.”

“Oh ok, I’ll see.”

I was surprised. Troy and I didn't’ hang out after work so his invitation had come out of nowhere. As we left, I noticed Troy giving Erik one last look before frowning. Erik ignored him.

When we got into the car, I turned to Erik as he switched on the radio.

“What’s your problem?”

“That nigga always touching you?” he retorted back, and I blinked in surprise.

No. No way. Erik couldn’t be jealous.

“He’s just friendly Erik.”

“Nah. That nigga is gunning for you.” 

I shook my head in disbelief.

“No, he’s not. He’s like that with everyone, I swear. Why do you care anyway?”

Erik gave me an unreadable look that had me shifting in my seat.

“You see what you want to see, Shae. That shit’s annoying.”

I didn’t know how to answer that, so we drove the rest of the way in silence.

Erik had always been a fast driver and I’d often wondered how he never got pulled over. If anything, he’d be on the top of the list—a black man driving an expensive car too fast? There should be sirens chasing us every time we got in the car. 

I knew when he was pissed because he’d drive even faster than normal. We made it to my place in record time. I had thought about asking him if he wanted to catch some dinner, but I was beginning to think it’d be better to give him some space.

“I’ll see you,” I said, opening the car door. He nodded, still not looking at me. I studied his face, trying to catch a glimpse into his anger. I could tell he didn’t like Troy, but I just couldn’t find myself believing that it was because he was jealous. Erik didn’t like most people and I’d realized that for some reason, I was an exception. That meant a lot to me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and he finally met my gaze.

“For what?”

I shrugged. I had no idea why I’d apologize, it had felt like the only thing to do at the moment. He rolled his eyes at me and shook his head.

“I’ll talk to you later?” I asked hesitantly.

“Yeah.”

Fiddling with my keys, I watched him drive away and found myself wondering if I had missed something important.

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae realizes she's running out of excuses.

** Chapter 8  **

 

"Good morning, Shae."

 

"Good Morning, Ms. Janice," I replied with a smile. “How are you?”

 

I had come so often to the cafe that I had met Ms. Janice, who I had been happy to learn was the owner. She was a kind older black woman and reminded me so much of my own mother that I had spent many afternoons chatting with her and even helping clean up if I stayed late enough for closing time. The cafe was small enough that she ran it with her older nephew who worked part time. The decoration was Harlem Renaissance, with photos of Billie Holiday, Langston Hughes and Zora Neale Hurston and the like lining the walls and jazz music always softly playing. There were small placards under each artists’ photo that held small tidbits of information that weren’t well known. I loved it and I had been ecstatic when I found it, even managing to impress Erik when I brought him. He could be picky about where we ate, and we liked to find black-owned eateries if we could. Plus, her food was amazing. I’d never had the best sweet potato or buttermilk pie in my life.

 

“I’m doing well, sweetheart. I wanted to tell you, Shae, that I'm so happy you and your young man are back together.”

  
I looked at her, startled.

 

“What?”

 

“Your boyfriend? I’m happy you two made up. He’s been here waiting for you.”

 

Erik must have come earlier, waiting for me to get off work. I could walk to the café from the library, so he hadn’t need to pick me up. We didn’t mention what had happened in the car last week.

  
“O-oh no, Miss Janice, “I said, shaking my head, “he’s not my boyfriend.”

 

She gave me an amused smile.

 

“Are you sure? The way you two look at each other…”

  
I felt my face heat and she laughed at the expression on my face.

 

“Oh Shae, sweetie…. don’t be afraid to fall in love.”

 

“I’m not…it’s not like that,” I insisted.

 

She planted a hand on her hip and gave me a look.

 

“Honey, I’ve seen a lot of couples in here and none of them have seen as interested in each other as you two. And I know that young man is not shy.”

 

I fidgeted under her look.

 

“So, are you the one who’s hesitating?”

 

“I... it’s complicated.”

 

“Life is complicated sweetheart. You have to let yourself live anyway.”  

 

 _____

 

Ms. Janice’s words had gotten to me. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I did genuinely think of Erik as my friend. And as long as I kept him in that box in my head we were fine. I told myself that Erik kept too much from me to let me think of him anymore than that.

 

But he said he had come back for me. I still had no idea what he’d meant or if he’d meant anything more than that. Had that been his way of saying he missed me? It’d been three months and I hadn’t even tried asking him more than that. Not about how he felt about us. Or when he’d leave again.

  
I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror and let out a deep sigh. After meeting with Ms. Janice, I had slipped into the bathroom, not wanting to meet with him with all these thoughts racing through my head.  He’d be able to tell something was wrong and if asked, he’d be able to know if I’d lie.

 

“Get it together, Shae,” I whispered to myself. The bathroom door opened, and I stood straighter, trying to appear nonchalant. I glanced at the woman who entered, and our gazes met in the mirror.

 

She looked familiar.

 

“Hi,” I said hesitantly. She was giving me a cold look, her eyes sweeping over me.

 

“So, you’re the hoe he’s playing with?”

 

My eyes widened, and I turned to look at her directly.

 

“Excuse me?”

 

And suddenly it clicked. I knew where I had seen her. She was the woman who had approached Erik when we had been out to lunch so long ago.

 

_Wait, did she call me a hoe?_

  
“You heard me.”

 

She huffed a dry laugh as she pushed past me, angrily rummaging through her purse.

 

“I cannot believe this nigga is turning me down for…” she glanced at me, her brows furrowed. I realized she was trying to come up with an insult.

 

I blinked at her.

 

“Is this real life right now?” I wondered out loud.

 

Her eyes narrowed at me.

 

I wasn’t a confrontational person. I didn’t get in fights and minded my own business, so most people left me alone. But she had called me hoe.

 

“I mean seriously. I don't even know you.”

 

I met her gaze in the mirror.

 

“Except that you seem like a bitch.”

 

I ducked out the bathroom, watching with inward amusement as her face twisted into rage. Alisha or Monica probably would have gone further, but I wasn’t about to get kicked out of my favorite café over a girl fight. Especially not with her.

 

“So, something totally random happened in the bathroom,” I said as I approached Erik.

 

He lowered his book to look at me and I froze.

 

Erik was wearing a pair of gold wire framed glasses. I let out a small squeak.

 

He arched a brow at me. 

 

“What?”

 

“Y-you’re wearing glasses.”

 

“So?”

 

“I’ve…” my voice still sounded squeaky, so I cleared my throat. “I’ve never seen you wear glasses before.”

 

He studied me a moment before a slow grin spread across his face. Oh god. It made it worse.

 

“Shit. That gets you off?” there was laughter in his voice, a look of smug masculine amusement on his face.

 

“N-no…. I was just surprised… “

 

“Damn girl, if I’d known that’s what turned you on.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He was laughing at me and I ducked my head in embarrassment as I dropped into the love seat across from him. I had never thought I’d find Erik more attractive, but holy shit I was not prepared to see him in those glasses. I already had a thing for intellectuals and the glasses did something for me. I hated it…. this was not helping my inner dilemma.

 

 I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye. I could see outside the window that the woman from the bathroom was getting into her car. She looked up and our eyes met again. I flipped her off.

 

Erik laughed again, and I glanced at him.

“The fuck was that about?”

 

I shook my head and huffed.

 

“Sorry. She called me a hoe in the bathroom and it pissed me off.” 

 

He sobered suddenly, his eyes flickering in her direction. She hesitated when she noticed he was looking at her. He frowned.

 

“Yeah? Imma need to talk to her then.”

 

I didn’t like his tone of voice. She’d pissed me off, but I knew my anger could never reach the level of Erik’s if he was provoked.

 

“It’s ok, Erik. I’m over it already.”

 

He slid his gaze back to me and I felt shiver at the look at them. He snorted at the look on my face.

 

“What’d you think I was going to do?”

 

I shrugged.

 

“I don’t know. Some scary Navy Seal shit?”

 

He snickered and shook his head at me.

 

“Yo, you on a roll today, huh?”

  
I liked that I could make him laugh. The sound of it made something in my heart grow warm.

 

\--------

 

“You know what I realized,” I asked. I was lying horizontally on the loveseat, gazing up at the ceiling, and nursing a cup of hot chocolate. It was days like these, where we seemed content to just be in each other’s presence, not needing to talk that I liked the most. Erik had made good progress in his thick book, his boots propped up on the table as he sat across from me.

 

He raised a brow in question.

 

“I don’t know what you do for a living.”

 

He continued reading.

 

“Yeah?”

 

I tilted my head towards him.

 

“I mean, the most I know is that you go on business, but you never tell me where.”

 

Erik would disappear for a few days or a week or two at the most. This time, he’d let me know he was leaving and called me when he got back. It had been a pleasant change even if he didn’t tell me more than that.

  
I sat up and swung my legs, being mindful of my hot chocolate. Now facing him, I took another sip as I looked at him.

 

“I bet I could guess.”

 

He gave me an amused look.

 

I drummed my fingers on my mug and thought.

 

“Hm…a drug dealer?” It was a silly answer to mess with him.

 

“Nah, not since college.”

  
I let out a small laugh, even though I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not.

 

“A male stripper?”

 

He leaned forward and smirked at me.

 

“You’d like that, ma?” 

 

Ugh. I had set my setup myself up for that one. I continued quickly.

 

“Um…are you still active duty?” 

I didn’t know much about Navy Seals, just that he had been one.  

 

He shook his head and settled back into his seat.

 

“Oh! An engineer? Something with engineering?” That’s what his PhD was in.

 

“Nope.”

  
I furrowed my brows at him peering at him carefully over my mug.

 

“You’re cute when you’re thinking,” he said absently.

 

There was the fluttering in my stomach again. I glanced past him to see Ms. Janice flashed me a knowing small as she grabbed a few plates from an empty table.

 

I sunk into my seat and took a larger sip.

 

“Ugh. Never mind.”

 

“Huh. You givin’ up that quick?”

 

I shrugged, staring moodily into my drink. I’d been having fun and had forgotten all about Ms. Janice’s words from earlier. A moment passed in silence before I heard him heave a sigh.

 

“I’m a consultant.”

 

I looked up in surprise. He had closed his book and was looking at me pointedly.

 

“O-oh!” I sat up straighter, realizing he had given it to me.

 

“Really? Where…an international firm?” I asked, thinking of all the trips he took.

 

He chuckled.

 

“Sure.”

  
It had been an odd response, but I was too giddy to care.

 

 

“That’s so cool! Jeez, no wonder you look like your rolling in it.”

 

“Small shit makes you happy, huh?”

 

“It’s not small, if I’m learning something new about you, Erik. I love it when you open up.”

 

My confession had him giving me an odd look.

 

He sat up suddenly, dropping his book on the table and leaning forward. He rested his arms on his knees and studied me closely. I was trapped in his gaze and found myself leaning forward, trying to decipher why his mood had changed so suddenly. His eyes flickered to my lips than back to my face and I paused.

 

 _You have to let yourself live anyway_.

 

The words echoed through my mind and I gripped my mug tighter. My eyes fell to his full lips, watching as they curled into a slow smirk. God, I loved that smirk.

 

My eyes snapped up to his, desire curling low in my belly.

 

A shrill ring broke the moment and I jumped. Erik didn’t flinch, keeping his gaze on me as I rummaged in my hoodie pocket for my phone.

 

“H-hello?”

  
“Hey, girl. You home? We got here earlier than I thought.”

 

Shit. I had forgotten Alisha and Monica were coming today.

  
“Ah....no, I’m still on campus. I can be home in about 15 minutes…” I said, sending Erik a questioning look. He nodded. “Yeah, 15 minutes.”

 

Erik leaned back in his seat, his face easing into a neutral expression as I continued my phone call.

 

The moment was lost, but I sensed that there was another shift in our relationship. Something was going to give and I was beginning to think it was me. 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something's got to give.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut ahead! If you're uncomfortable with a bit of sexy time, you've been warned.
> 
> It's my first time writing so bear with me. I'm exploring the depth of their relationship more at this point and we'll see how it goes!

** Chapter 9 **

****

I sat comfortably on the couch, my fingers working to redread Erik’s hair as he sat in front of me on the floor. His broad shoulders rested between my legs and he had pulled my right leg to rest over his shoulder. The position wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable, but it felt too intimate for my comfort. Erik had been absent mindedly rubbing small circles on my calf and it was driving me crazy. I had been doing my best to ignore him and continue my work. He was watching television, seemingly unaware of the effect he had on me. I wasn’t buying it.

 

 _Dumb move, Shae_.

 

The thought resonated in my head the moment I realized Erik was coming to my place. I had always tried to make sure we were on neutral ground when we hung out. He had never been to my place and I had never been to his. Granted, seeing the clothes and cars that he drove, I could only imagine that his place was a lot better than mine.

 

Not that I wanted to go to his place anyway. So, when he’d ask me to do his dreads and I agreed, I based it on the condition that it’d have to be at my place. It had surprised both of us. Out of all the times he’d driven me, I had never asked him up. But after that day in the café, I don’t know… I guess I wasn’t thinking clearly anymore.

So now, here I was, trying not to think too hard about how nice it felt having his hands rub soothing circles up and down my leg and how nice he smelled.

 

 _Dumb, dumb move, Shae_.

 

I slipped the lid back on the jar of wax and set it down next to my clips and comb on the table next to me. I let out a groan and stretched, before neatly swinging my legs up and over his shoulders, sliding out of my seat over the edge of the couch. I stood and did a quick twist to loosen tense muscles, before bending over and pressing my palms flat to the floor and arched my spine. Sitting too long always caused me back pain and I had found stretching to be the best way for relaxing tense muscles. I rose, placing my hands on the small of my back and leaned into a slight backbend, tilting my head towards the ceiling. I let out a breath and righted myself, giving my shoulders a quick roll to stretch out any remaining tension.  When I turned back around Erik was watching me.

 

“Damn, girl.”

 

I couldn’t help but grin.

 

“Been doing yoga for about five, no, six years. It’s great for muscle retention.”

 

“And flexibility?” he asked casually, but the look on his face definitely wasn’t.

 

I felt my face heat and turned towards the kitchen, deciding not to answer.

 

“You want something to drink? I’m almost done, just wanted to take a break.”

 

“You got beer?”

 

“Yep.”

 

I rummaged through the fridge before pulling out a bottle and turning around. I wasn't too surprised to find him leaning against my kitchen counter. Erik moved quietly, so I was getting used to coming up behind me when I least expected it. I handed the bottle to him and he twisted the cap off easily and brought it to his lips. I watched as he drank, worrying my bottom lip lightly. He pulled the bottle away with a laugh.

 

“Keep lookin’ at me like that, ma and I’m gonna think we ain’t just _friends_ anymore,” he said before leaning forward to nudge my bottom lip from my teeth. He said ‘friends’ with a hint of sarcasm and it had me stepping back.

 

“Are you going on a date later?” I asked, trying to smoothly change the subject. He frowned at me.

 

“No.”

 

“Really? No booty calls? No one coming by for a dick appointment? Nothing?”

 

He sucked his teeth and his eyes darkened as he continued looking at me.

 

“Why, you lookin’ for one?”

 

“Nope!” I said, popping the ‘p’. I plopped down on the couch and motioned to the cushion. “I’m ready.”

 

Erik gazed at me a moment longer and took another swig of his beer. He twirled the bottle lightly, studying me.

 

“Whatcha tryna do, ma?”

 

The words were eerily familiar. I kept my body relaxed as I smiled at him.

 

“I’m trying to finish up your hair. It’s getting late.”

 

“You know that ain’t what I meant,” he said, keeping his voice casual.

 

I titled my head at him, and began rolling the comb through my fingers, imitating him.

 

“I’m not trying to do anything, Erik. I’ve told you, I’m fine with things how they are.”

 

He cocked his head at me.

 

“You really gonna keep lyin’ to me?”

 

I frowned at him, confused.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

He set the bottle down on the table and sat next to me.

 

“I know you want me, baby girl.”

 

My heart began pounding. Erik had only called me that twice before. And I was beginning to realize what it meant when he used that nickname.

 

“I don’t…”

 

He moved so suddenly, I barely had time to react. The comb fell from my hands as he grabbed me around the waist and tugged me into his lap, the movement so swift and efficient I had no chance to struggle.

 

 I opened my mouth to protest but a hand slid to the back of my head and crushed my lips against his own. My hands flew to his chest and I wasn’t sure if was going to brace myself or push away. At the first feel of his tongue sliding into my mouth, I could feel my inner resolve wavering.   

 

 _Just do it!_ My inner hoe was back, brought to life by weeks of sexual tension and impassioned nights of crying out his name as I brought myself to completion.

 

When he grinded against me, I was reminded of that night. The night that had started all of this. The night that found me breaking every rule and boundary I had set for myself.

 

Erik’s tongue dominated mine and I let out a small moan, pushing weakly at his chest as my lungs began to burn for air. He pulled away then, only to trace his tongue across the shell of my ear, his hands roaming from my waist to my hips and ass.

 

“Say you don’t want me.”

 

“I don’t…”

 

He crushed his lips to mine again, his hips rocking into me. My panties were soaked by now and the friction against my clit was driving me wild. He pulled away, his eyes fierce as gazed at me.

 

“Fucking lie to me again, Shae,” he growled, and I swallowed.

 

“Erik…please…”

 

“Nah, I want to hear you fucking say it. Say you don’t want me and I’ll walk out that fucking door.”

 

I gave him a frantic look. I didn’t want him to leave. Erik was a part of my life now and I was beginning to accept again that he might be a permanent fixture. I didn’t want to give that up. But could I risk doing more with him? Could I break my own rule?  I tried my usual tactic.

 

“We’re just…”

 

Erik’s eyes narrowed.

 

“Call me your fucking friend again, Shae.”

 

He called my bluff. I could see in his eyes that he was serious. If I said I didn't want more than he would leave again. He had stopped his motions, with his hands still resting on my hips. I was struggling to control my breaths, my hands gripping weakly against his shirt. My lips were kiss swollen and my clit throbbed between my legs. I didn’t him to leave. I couldn't go through that again.

 

 I dropped my head and bit my lip.

 

“I want you,” I whispered.

 

“I didn’t catch that.”

 

I tilted my head up and glared at him.

 

“I said I want you, Erik.”

 

He lifted us suddenly and I gasped, throwing my arms around his neck. He carried me effortlessly down the hall and I looked at him frantically.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Imma about to show you, baby girl.”

 

I began to wiggle as he pushed into my room, panic setting in as I realized what he meant.

 

“Erik, wait…”

  
“Been waitin,” he muttered under his breath and dumped me on the bed. I scrambled backwards as I stared up at him with wide eyes.

 

“I’m a virgin,” I blurted, and he paused. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as he gazed at me, his expression unreadable.

 

“That’s why I wanted to wait,” I said softly, drawing my knees to my chest. “I wanted it to be with someone who…”

 

 _Loved me_.

         

The words laid there unspoken between us.

 

Erik continued gazing at me for a moment longer and I waited. Oddly enough, I wasn’t worried about him lying to me to sleep with me. But I wasn’t sure if I was going to see him after this. I had dug myself into a hole and now I was going to deal with it.

 

I swallowed.

 

“I’m sorry, Erik. You don't have to… I mean you have someone else you can go to, right?”

 

He blinked at me slowly, his lips turning down into a frown.

 

“What?”

 

“I mean, that’s how it’s been already, right? You’ve hooked up with other girls before. It’s none of my business, cause we’re not together, right?”  

 

He continued gazing at me with that unreadable expression, before his hand shot out to wrap around my ankle. With a firm tug, he dragged me towards him and I let out a yelp.

 

“Erik!”

 

“Chill, I ain’t about to fuck you.”

 

He leaned over me, his kiss still firm but gentler somehow. He traced his tongue along my bottom lip before nipping it lightly.

 

“I’m just gonna make you cum.”

 

_What?_

 

“What?” I said out loud. I watched with wide eyes as Erik tugged down my panties and shorts in one swift motion, tossing them to the side. I tried to snap my legs closed but he held my thighs apart with his much stronger grip.

 

_Oh no, he isn’t. He can’t!_

“Erik,” I cried as he lowered his head between my legs, “don’t.” I began wiggling again, my embarrassment growing at the thought of him going down on me. A firm slap on my thigh made me yelp and still. I looked at him in shock.

 

“Quit movin,” he snapped and pressed his lips against my folds. I gasped, my head falling back against the bed.  

 

 I had watched porn before. I was a virgin, but I knew the basics of sex and had masturbated myself a few times. Erik had been the focus of my most recent fantasies.

I wasn’t prepared for the real thing though. I don’t think anything would have prepared me for what Erik had in store for me.  

 

He started slowly, his tongue lightly tracing my swollen folds and circling around my clit without really touching it. Suddenly his tongue delved inside me and my hips jerked, a ragged cry falling from my lips.

 

“Erik,” I gasped, my hands flying down to bury into his dreads.

 

His tongue slid in and out of me, only pausing to briefly slid against my clit before dipping back inside. His tongue twisted and turned, my pussy trying to clench down on his questing appendage. Erik ate from me as if I was his last meal, alternating the strokes of his tongue when he felt me reaching my peak and speeding up when I calmed. Every once in a while, I felt the scrape of teeth against my sensitive folds and the sensation had my thighs shaking. My hands alternated between tugging at the sheets and his dreads as if unsure what I should be grabbing onto.

 

His lips latched onto my clit and sucked, and I let out a cry, my orgasm washing over me. His tongue continued stroking, prolonging my release until I pushed weakly at his head. He finally showed mercy and pulled away to lean over me, his eyes sweeping across my still shaking form. He licked his lips and smirked down at me.

 

“You good?”

 

I couldn't help but let out a laugh at his familiar words. I was sure now he was purposely re-creating that night for me. Reminding me of what I had been missing.

 

He settled next to me and I pushed myself up, glancing down at the bulge that was straining against his jeans and back to his face.

 

“What about you?”

 

He arched a brow at me before grabbing my hand and laying it across his crotch. My eyes widened at the size of him. It wasn’t completely clear how big he was, but I knew his size was definitely not “beginner friendly.”

 

He was watching me, those dark eyes studying me intently. I took a breath and tugged down his zipper and slipped my hands inside his jeans, wrapping my hand around his length. My fingers barely fit around him, and I glanced up to his face again.

 

He laughed at the expression on my face.

 

“Don’t worry, baby girl, you’ll be able to handle it.”

 

I shook my head as I felt his dick pulse in my hand.

 

“I don’t think so.”

 

He tugged my hand up and slipped two of my fingers into his mouth. I watched him in fascination as he sucked on them, his tongue slicking up my fingers in a way that had my pussy clenching. He slid my fingers out of his mouth and lowered them back down to his dick, wrapping his hand around so that I stroked with him.

 

He guided my hand with even strokes, his eyes never leaving mine.

 

“Just like that,” he said and removed his hand from mine. I pumped him slowly, trying to follow the motions he just showed me.

 

“You gonna have to squeeze harder than that, princess.”

 

I blinked at the new nickname.  

 

“Ok.” The word came out breathlessly and I swallowed. I didn’t think I’d ever been turned on by giving someone a handjob, but there were a lot of things that Erik had me rethinking my stance on.  

 

I rubbed my thumb across the swollen head, swiping across the precum that oozed from the tip. I spread it around and pumped my hand slowly down his shaft and back up again. Feeling a sudden rush of daring, I leaned down and swiped my tongue against the head, before sucking it slowly into my mouth.

 

“Shit.”

 

I glanced up at him and found him watching me intently. He obviously hadn’t expected me to do that. He dropped his hand on the back of my head, nudging me down further.

 

“That’s it,” he encouraged, fingers tightening against my head as I sucked.

 

Monica had often enjoyed teasing me about my lack of experience by giving me unsolicited sex advice.

 

 _“You gotta make sure your head game is on point, sis. That’ll make niggas remember you_.”

 

I had rolled my eyes at the time, but I had remembered her advice.

 

 _Start slow till you find your rhythm. Breath through your nose. And if he’s big use your hands to help pump him while you suck him off_. _Don’t let him control your movements—you’re the one in control. Back off when it’s too much and stroke him out to switch it up._

 

Erik pushed my head further down until I made a noise of protest, before he eased up. I glared up at him and he smirked down at me.

 

“My bad.”

 

I rolled my eyes, before working him back into my mouth, knowing now where my limit was. I stroked the part of him I couldn’t fit using my saliva to stroke him easily, making sure to breathe through my nose when I worked him deeper into my mouth.  

 

He groaned, his hands tightening in my braids. I smiled around him, feeling triumphant for getting that sound from him. I had found my rhythm, bobbing my head up and down, and I slid my other hand down to stroke and fondle his balls. The curses and encouragement that came from him had my own arousal throbbing between my legs and I squeezed my thighs together.

 

He suddenly began to rock his hips up, his length pushing further into my mouth. He held my head in place and all I could do was focus on my breathing and making sure to not pass out, feeling tears streaming down my cheeks. I braced my hands against his thighs, feeling his muscles flex and twitch beneath my hands as he fucked my face.  

 

It didn't surprise me that Erik’s default wasn't gentle. It _did_ surprise me that I liked the rough treatment though.

 

“Fuck.”

  
The word fell roughly from his lips before his dick throbbed suddenly and my throat convulsed as his seed spilled into my mouth. I swallowed as best I could, not as put off by the taste as I thought I’d be.

 

Finally, his hands fell away and I lifted my head, giving him one last lingering lick before meeting his gaze.

 

He looked at me through hooded eyes.

 

“You ain’t done this shit before?”

 

I shook my head.

 

He tugged me forward and I straddled his waist, resting my weight on my knees as he pulled me into a deep kiss. His fingers curved down, dipping between my legs and I moaned at the feel of his fingers stroking across my folds. 

 

“Damn. And you still wet for me.”

 

I wiggled and gasped as he slipped one finger inside, pushing in deep.

 

“Erik!”

 

He hummed, stroking back and forth against the muscled walls before sliding a second finger in. My hips jerked, and I clutched at his shoulders.

 

“Shit, this pussy tight,” he muttered, twisting his fingers. His thumb swiped along my clit and I leant forward, burying my face in his neck and moaning. He pumped his fingers steadily, my walls clenching down as he pushed deeper.

 

“That’s it, baby girl.”

 

“Oh,” I moaned. I rocked my hips against his fingers, getting used to the foreign feelings of his fingers sliding back and forth inside me. My own fingers didn’t compare to what Erik was doing to me and after a few hard strokes, his thumb gave one last flick to my clit, and I cried out my release. I slumped forward, feeling boneless and panted into his neck.

 

Erik eased me off his lap to lay me on my bed and settled down next to me. I watched as he slipped his fingers into his mouth, his gaze meeting mine as he sucked. My face heating, I closed my eyes, hoping to block out the arousing sight.

 

I heard him chuckle.

 

“Oh, you shy now, huh?”

 

I groaned.

 

“Shut up.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae and Erik have a needed conversation.

** Chapter 10  **

 

The sun had set, so that the only light that flooded through my bedroom windows was now the bright and gentle shine of the moon. I had loved my room for this very reason—the big windows were wonderful for letting natural light in.

 

When Erik tugged his shirt over his head, I was both struck by the beauty of his body and the sight of scars that laid across his skin. They started from his broad shoulders, coursing down his arms and torso, stopping just along his waist.  Another secret and another question. He gave me a look and I wasn’t sure how I felt about the look in his eyes. He looked like he was almost worried about my reaction. 

 

I let my gaze roam across his form and leaned against him, my hand resting against his stomach before sliding up his chest and to his shoulder. The skin of the raised scars was soft, and it was an interesting texture that I found pleasant. I rubbed my palm across them before sliding my hand up the smooth column of his neck. His dark eyes watched me, and I leaned forward and placed a kiss against his lips. The tension I felt it in his body eased and he tugged me closer, his lips slanting over mine, deepening the kiss.

 

I pulled away, worrying hitting me suddenly. We hadn’t talked about what had just happened.  

 

I hopped up, hurrying to my dresser, and tugging out a sleep shirt and another pair of shorts for bed. I tried to ignore the feeling of Erik’s eyes on me, or the fact that I wasn’t wearing anything from the waist down. I know that given what we had been doing only a few moments ago I shouldn’t feel embarrassed about being naked in front of him, but I couldn't help it.

 

He rolled his eyes at me when I darted to my master bathroom, clutching my clothing to my chest. I dressed quickly and wrapped my braids with my silk scarf, setting my glasses in their usual spot on my bathroom counter. When, I stepped back into the bedroom, Erik was leaning casually against my headboard, texting on his phone. His jeans were folded neatly on a chair in the corner of my room.

 

I was hit with the sudden realization that he had intentions to stay over. I had no idea what that meant. It was a good thing, right? Didn’t guys normally dip after they had gotten what they wanted? Or did he expect more? I had told him why I was waiting, but I wasn’t sure if my actions had shown him that he could get more if he tried. Not that I was going to give it up as easily I did before. Oral was one thing but going all the way….

 

“You always thinkin’ too much, ma.”

 

I blinked, my gaze focusing on his face. He was watching me, and I couldn’t read the look in his eyes.

 

“Come here.”

  
I let out a breath and slid into bed next to him and laid down, letting my eyes drift to the ceiling. The light of his phone died as he locked it, and the room filled with only the soft glow of the moon.

 

“Erik,” I said carefully, breaking the momentary silence that laid between us. It wasn’t uncomfortable, but there was a tension. An unspoken conversation that I knew was inevitable. I wasn’t looking forward to it because I wasn’t sure what was going to happen next. But we had, in my book, crossed a line and I couldn’t hide behind the façade that I didn’t want more from him than being friends.

 

I just wasn’t sure if he felt the same way.

 

He didn’t say anything, and I rolled to my side to face him. His gaze was on the ceiling and I laid a hand against his chest, letting my fingers stroke lightly against the scars.

 

“I ain’t used to this commitment shit,” he said suddenly, and I flinched.

 

“Well, I didn’t ask you to…”

 

“Shut up, Shae.” His hand covered my own, stilling my movements. His brows had furrowed but he wasn’t looking me, instead glaring at a spot on my ceiling.

 

“I don’t do relationships and I never wanted anyone. Shit was better when I was on my own.”

 

I stayed silent, trying not to think too hard about his words and just listen.

 

He was glaring in my direction now, but I could tell that his ire wasn’t directed at me. Not really.

 

He returned his gaze to the ceiling.

 

“Then I met your fine ass at the club and I could tell you were soft. Softer than the girls I normally go for…”

 

I bristled.

 

“I’m not soft,” I protested.

 

His dark eyes turned to me again.

 

“You’re soft, Shae. You still got hope for the world.” _Then it had been that conversation._

 

“There’s nothing wrong with hope, Erik,” I murmured softly.

 

He snorted.

 

“You sound like my cousin,” he muttered.

 

I perked up at that, pleased to gleam another detail from him.

 

“Look,” I said slowly, only continuing when I determined he would let me speak.

 

“I know you’ve got your secrets. I know there’s a lot about your past that I don’t know and that you don’t talk about. I know you’re dangerous.”

 

Erik’s eyes had that look in them. The fire was brimming just below the surface again and I wondered if one day it would eventually burn me.

 

“But I’ll be a place for you to escape. You can talk to me if you want to or don’t. I’m not asking you to give up anything for me. I know life’s been hard to you and taken things from you.”

 

I thought of the loss of my momma and how it had felt like a hole had been left in my heart. It had taken time for me to heal from her loss and I had just graduated college.  I could only imagine his pain from carrying the loss of his own parents from such a young age. The world wasn’t kind to young black boys and I knew it hadn’t been different for Erik growing up in such a world.  

 

“But I can’t give you everything. I want someone who wants me and only me. I was serious when I said I wouldn’t sleep with someone who wasn’t with me.”

 

I gazed at him, relying on the resolve that had gotten me through the years, had helped me push past every obstacle and challenge and heartbreak.

 

“But I was serious when I said I’ll be your friend too. After tonight though, we can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie and pretend like I’m someone I’m not and that I’ll be fine with no strings attached.”

 

His jaw clenched as he gazed back at me, but he said nothing. 

 

“And I’m not going to chase you. That’s bitten me in the ass too many times in the past. And if you can’t deal then you can go.”

 

 _No matter how much I want you to stay_.

 

We sat in silence and it felt like I was holding my breath, waiting for his response. I had given him an ultimatum and I was preparing myself to deal with the consequences of it. 

 

“I ain’t going nowhere, ma.”

 

His words startled me, and I let out the breath I had been holding.

 

 _Then we could go back to square one. Ok, I could do that_.

  
“But I ain’t going to be your friend.”

 

I sat up, pulling my knees to my chest, my eyes drifting to the small pool of moonlight that lighted the dark corner of my room.

 

“I can’t, Erik. Us being friends is the only way this can work.”

 

He didn’t do relationships and I couldn’t be with him if I knew he’d be seeing other girls. I didn’t know if I was being selfish or naïve. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to share.

 

“I need options. I want to date. I want to find someone I can be with,” I said softly.

 

“Nah, that ain’t gonna work,” he said, following sitting up. He leaned back against the headboard before tugging me into his arms. I made a noise of protest but couldn't pull free. I wasn’t going anywhere unless Erik let me go. Damn him and his muscles.

 

“Erik, let go.”

 

“Nah, you always want to make all the decisions for both of us.”

 

“I don’t…”

 

He turned my head to his, pulling me in a for a deep kiss. My hand flew to his warm chest, and I pushed at him. I wouldn’t let him derail me again. Not for this. I tilted my head away and his lips slid to my cheek.

 

“Erik, stop, I can't do this with you.”

 

He tilted his head back to look at me, but his grip didn’t loosen.

 

“I told you I ain’t going nowhere,” he snapped, his eyes flashing at me. “Your ass doesn’t listen.”

 

“But you said you don’t do relationships,” I said, my eyes searching his.

 

“I don’t,” he said and loosened his grip. I leaned away and glared at him.

  
“I didn’t", he amended mildly at my look. I continued staring at him before he snapped.

 

“Fuck girl, I’m saying I’ll stay with you. Be yo’ nigga and shit.”

 

My eyes widened.

 

“I’ll be the only one you’ll be with?” I asked, incredulous, something too close to happiness starting to slowly spread through me.

 

“Ain’t that what I just said?” his words sounded irritated but there wasn’t any heat to it.

 

“Technically, you said ‘you’ll be my nigga and shit’, which isn’t very clear,” I quipped lightly.

 

Erik gave me a look.

 

“Keep playin’, Shae,” he said warningly.

 

I searched his gaze, trying to see if I could spot a lie behind his words.

 

“I mean, I still want to take it slow,” I said lightly, trying to gauge his reaction.

 

Erik eyed me but didn’t respond.

 

I began fiddling with the edge of my bedding.

 

“And I don’t have as much as experience as you’re used to. You might get bored,” I pointed out.

 

He narrowed his eyes but still he said nothing.

 

“In fact, today was probably beginner’s luck,” I said, glancing down at my hands.

 

“Shae.”

 

The tone of his voice made me snap my gaze back to his face.

 

“When I said I'mma be with you," he said in a low tone, leaning towards me, " _I mean that_ _shit_."  

 

His words sent a shiver down my spine, my fingers tightening in the bedding. They held all the authority and power that I had come to associate to who Erik was.

  
“I ain’t fucking around with anyone else but you anyway...…not since I’ve gotten back,” he said, and I blinked.

 

Suddenly, I remembered the girl in the bathroom café from a few days ago.

 

_‘I can’t believe this nigga gave me up…’ she had said._

 

I ducked my head to hide my smile as the warmth in my chest continued to spread.

 

He _had_ seemed colder to the girls who normally approached him when they spotted him talking to me on campus. I hadn’t really put anything together at the time though, thinking it wasn’t any of my business that he seemed uninterested in his normal conquests.

 

I wasn’t as naïve as people think. At least not about everything. My single mother had raised me to make sure that I knew the ways of men, especially given her own experiences with my father. She had warned me of how some men who knew how to say the right thing and be at the right place at the right time, attempting to break down your walls, until you were comfortable enough to give them what they wanted. 

 

It’s why being with Erik was a new and dangerous thrill to me. He was the literal embodiment of everything I had been warned about. But there was something about him that made me feel his was more than the roles that the world had placed on him.

 

“Really? Because you seemed like you knew …” I faltered at the look he gave me. Shit, he’d gone down on me and I couldn’t even finish my sentence without my face heating.

 

Erik leered at me.

 

“I what?”

 

I should have known he’d make me say it. Erik always seemed to find it amusing in finding ways to embarrass or tease me.

 

“Ugh, never mind,” I snapped and flopped down, tugging the comforter to my chin. He laughed, and I rolled to my side, making sure that my back was facing him. I buried my face in my pillow, willing the heat from my face to fade.

 

A moment passed before he shifted, settling further into the bed. A strong arm slid around my waist, pulling me back into his embrace, my back flush to his chest. I titled the pillow away from my face, my small smile returning. A sudden thought occurred to me.

 

“Hey.”

 

“What?”

 

“I forgot to finish your hair,” I said. I didn’t have to look… I could _feel_ him rolling his eyes at me.

 

“Go to sleep, Shae.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae catches up with friends and asks for advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the comments! I'm in finals period right now, so I have one more chapter to post and then I'll be doing a brief break until those are done.

** Chapter 11 **

****

            There was something about a good beat and an open dance floor that just calls to one’s soul. When I danced, I could forget and just get lost in the flow of the music. I didn’t have to think, didn’t have to plan, didn’t have to worry about anything but the current moment and the music.

 

And there was something about dancing with black women, who appreciated one another and knew how to show up and show out together that made the experience just that more amazing.

 

“You go, Shae!”

  
“You better show them!”

 

“I see you, Shae!”

  
I couldn’t help the smile that slid across my face as I slid to the beat, twirling my hips to the upbeat tempo. Right on cue, I dropped into a squat and twerked, resting my hands on my knees and tossing my braided ponytail over my shoulder. I met Alisha’s gaze and winked.

 

The room erupted into cheers and claps as the song ended, and I couldn’t help but laugh along with them.

 

I’d almost forgotten how much I’d love to come to this dance studio. The dance studio was another way Alisha, Monica and I hung out together when we had free time. It was small but offered classes in modern hip-hop, reggae and some traditional dances from countries around Africa. I had felt intimidated when I had first shown up in my grey sweatpants and graphic t-shirts, eying the leggings, shorts and tank tops of my more fashionable counterparts. I hadn’t been kidding when I had said I’d choose comfort over fashion. Besides, I was not making the kind of money to be picky about what I wore.

 

But our small group of dance members had bonded over our love of dancing and now I felt at home and comfortable to even try some of the dances that I wouldn’t normally do unless I had had a shot or two.

 

Black girl magic was a powerful force that couldn’t be denied.

 

The thought made me smile as I followed Monica and Alisha to grab our towels.

 

“Girl, look at this fine ass nigga here.”

 

I glanced up curiously. It wasn’t uncommon to for a few guys to come around and watch, drawn by our energy and the sound of our laughter.

 

It was Mae who had spoken. She tended to become more flirtatious in her dancing when she had an audience.

 

I tilted my water bottle to my lips and followed her gaze. I froze when my eyes landed on the figure.

 

Erik leaned against the wall, wearing a t-shirt with a black jacket, his hands shoved into the pockets of his jeans. His dreads were neatly styled to one side of his face, his full lips curved up into a smirk as he gazed back at me. The gold chain that held his father’s ring hung around his neck. I had been ecstatic to learn that tidbit of information when he told me. It had also been the same night he had told me his real name was N’Jadaka. He almost seemed amused by my enthusiasm for learning anything about him. The only thing that he remained closed off about was what country his father was from. I couldn’t understand it, but I had begun to figure out when I was testing Erik’s patience by asking too many questions he didn’t want to answer.

 

“Oh, please tell me he’s single,” I heard someone say. I frowned.

 

 _“_ That’s Shae’s man,” Monica said, grinning.

 

_“You got that nigga to go exclusive for you?” she had cried, delighted when I told her._

_Monica’s enthusiasm had a way of rubbing off on you. I couldn’t help my grin and nodded._

 

_“Shit, he must have fell in love with that pussy on the first hit!”_

_I groaned._

_“We haven’t slept together, Monica. I mean not in the way you’re thinking.”_

_“What?? You haven’t fucked yet and he’s still cutting off other girls? Damn girl, maybe you should be giving me tips.”_

_  
I rolled my eyes._

Alisha still had her reservations, but she had backed down when she realized how serious I was. Alisha could be worrisome, but I could be more stubborn. I wasn’t going to give my friendship up for a man, but I wasn’t going to let her dismiss Erik without giving him a chance either.

 

At Monica’s announcement, all eyes in the room turned to me. I felt my face heat under their scrutiny and braced for the inevitable teasing.

 

“For real? Miss Shae got a man now?”

 

“No wonder you’ve been missing class, girl, I would be too if I had that fine…”

 

“Girl, don’t get yourself in trouble with him, you hear me?”

 

“He got a brother, Shae? Hell, I’ll take a cousin.”

 

I groaned as I walked away, knowing that the teasing would just be worse for next class.

 

When I reached Erik, there was a heated look in his eyes that made my stomach clench.

 

“Damn girl, you've been holding back on me.”

 

I blinked at his words in confusion.

 

“Huh?”

 

He nodded towards the dance floor and it clicked.

 

“Oh,” I said, my face warming all over again. I had come to accept that I was going to be in a perpetual state of embarrassment since dating Erik. It was the side effect of being an awkward black girl when dating someone as fine as him.

 

He chuckled at the expression on my face.

 

“Don’t trip, princess, you were lookin’ fine as fuck out there.” 

 

His praise made me smile and he leaned closer to me, pulling me into a kiss.

 

“Oh! He i _s_ your man, Shae!”

 

I pulled away and Erik slid an arm around my waist, unfazed by the teasing. 

 

“I’m never coming back here again,” I muttered as we left, and he chuckled.

 

______

 

“All I’m saying, Shae, is that the nigga has put his work in. If you wanna give it up, there ain’t nothin’ stopping you,” Monica said as she laid sprawled in my loveseat, her legs hanging over the edge. I eyed the wine glass that dangled loosely from her hand.

 

“Don’t spill wine on my carpet, Monica,” I said.

 

She rolled her eyes and sat up, the red wine sloshing dangerously. I glared at her.

 

“All right girl, damn. Here,” she placed her glass down neatly on my coffee table and looked at me pointedly.

 

I smiled at her sweetly.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Erik had dropped me off at my apartment after dance practice and I had been disappointed when he told me that something had come up last minute. When I had asked what for he had just said “business” and left no room for questioning. He had seemed frustrated about it and I had figured it'd just be easier to let it go.

 

I had been disappointed, but texted Alisha and Monica, hoping to catch them before they headed out of town for an impromptu movie night. Part of movie night tradition was drinking, providing commentary to any movie watched and catching up on the interesting things that had happened in our lives.

  
And apparently my love life was the topic of the night.

 

“I say don’t rush if you don’t want to,” Alisha said.

 

Monica snorted.

 

“That’s because you have a man and are getting dick on the regular.”

 

“Bitch, so are you.”

 

“True, true.”

 

I rolled my eyes at them.

 

“It’s not that we haven’t done other things," I confessed.

 

“Other things, Shae? Spill the tea,” Monica said, and Alisha looked at me curiously.

 

I shrugged, and Monica prodded me.

 

“Shae, did you suck this nigga’s dick or not?”

 

“Yes,” I said, sliding my glasses off my face to rub a hand across my eyes. Monica could be so vulgar sometimes.

 

“Did he nut?”

  
I glanced up at her as I slid my glasses back on.  

 

“Was he not supposed to?” 

 

To my surprise they both burst into laughter. I had no idea what was so funny.

 

“I think she’s trying to ask if he liked it,” Alisha offered.

 

“I think so,” I said.

 

“Did you like it?” Monica asked, her eyes studying me.

 

“Like what?”

 

“Sucking. Dick. Did you like it?”

 

I thought about it.

 

I thought of the heated gaze in his eyes when I slid him into my mouth and the sounds he made when I sucked him just right. Oh, and the dirty talk. I couldn’t think of anything hotter than Erik’s dirty talk as he fucked my mouth. 

 

“Damn, Shae.”

 

I blinked, refocusing on them in front of me. My eyes widened as they stared at me.

 

“I said that all out loud, didn’t I?”

 

“Yeah, girl. And I think you have proven the age-old knowledge that the quiet ones are the kinkiest,” Monica teased, and I laughed, my third glass of wine finally kicking in.

 

I glanced at Alisha, who met my gaze before she shook her head at me. I frowned.

 

“What?” I asked, feeling self-conscious.

 

“It’s just, “she said slowly, meeting my gaze firmly. Then she made a show of drawing her napkin to her eyes and dabbing.

 

“My baby is growing up. Sucking dick like a pro and loving it. I never thought I’d see the day.”

 

I stared at her in shock for a few seconds before we all burst into laughter. This was why I loved Alisha. No matter how much we disagreed with one another she’d always had my back and never let anything get in between us.

 

The rest of the night passed in the same manner as we moved on through a few movies and two more bottles of wine. I had forgotten how much fun I had hanging with my girls. I hadn’t stayed in touch as much as I had wanted to leading up to graduation and it was nice to be reminded why I loved my friends.

 

As the night finally winded down, Monica turned to look at me casually.

 

“So, you still want that advice about your first time?”

 

Despite the clichés of movies and novels, I had never had any fantasies about what my first time would be like. I hadn’t thought of any rose petals or scented candles or anything like that. I think I actually would have actually hated the pressure that came from some over romantical setting.  Besides, Erik was a lot of things, but being a dramatic romantic was not one of them.

 

We had only been dating for two months and I had come to the decision that I wanted Erik to be my first time. My major problem was that I had no idea how to broach the subject with him. Because apparently, when it came to asking my boyfriend to fuck me, I was at a loss for words. I had never really learned how to flirt, and I had a habit of overthinking every conversation where I would ask. I think I was too focused on the fact that I had made such a big deal about taking it slow with him, regardless of the fact that we had been friends before we had even started dating.

 

So fucking sue me. I was at my limit and had wanted Erik since I laid eyes on him.  I was ready to cash in.

 

It was this line of thinking that had prompted the conversation earlier in the evening, when I had broached the subject with Monica and Alisha when they had first arrived.

 

I had almost forgotten about it. Monica’s advice tended to be too much for me. I wasn’t as bold as she was when it came to men. Monica did not have the same awkwardness that I had and seemed amused by how easily flustered I could become. 

 

“I guess,” I said. She raised a brow, noting the hesitation in my voice. Alisha snickered next to me.

 

“What?” Monica demanded.

 

“Nothing, it’s just…. I’m not sure whatever you’re going to say will be helpful. I’m not as bold as you,” I said, and she pursed her lips at me.

 

“What are you talking about? I give great advice!”

 

Alisha and I exchanged a glance.

 

“I do!”

 

“You once walked up to a nigga in the club and said, ‘am I sucking your dick or what?’” Alisha pointed out and I covered my mouth with my hand to cover my laugh.

 

“And I sucked his dick, didn’t I? Shit, that wasn’t even advice, that doesn’t count,” she snapped, offended.

 

“Doesn’t matter, cause that’s the type of shit you _advise_ others to do.”

 

Monica rolled her eyes and we laughed.

 

“Really funny, bitch,” she said and glared, but her lips twitched.

 

She turned to me and said, “What I was going to say, Shae, was that you need to buy some sexy ass lingerie, show off that shit and the nigga will get the hint.”

 

Alisha blinked at her.

 

“Huh. That’s actually not bad advice,” she said thoughtfully.

 

Monica sniffed and crossed her arms smugly.

 

“I don’t know,” I said slowly, running that scenario through my head.

 

“That may actually work,” Alisha said, tilting her head at me. “Let the lingerie do the talking. You’re on birth control, right?”

 

“Yeah, it helps regulate my flow,” I answered absently. “But the lingerie thing…. I think the whole point is that I’d be too nervous to pull it off.”

 

 “Just open a glass of wine to calm your nerves and go for it,” Monica urged.

 

I traced the rim of my wine glass thoughtfully.

 

“Or,” Monica said slowly,” you could just grab him by the dick and tell him to fuck you.”  


I raised my brows at her.

 

“You _have_ to know I won’t do that.”

 

“Nah, but it’d be hilarious as fuck to see his reaction.”

 

I rolled my eyes but couldn’t help but to join in with their laughter.  


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae takes her relationship to the next level.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning! If you are uncomfortable with sexual situations, don't read! 
> 
> Also, the next update will probably happen next week.  
> Thank you to all my readers who are following with this story!

** Chapter 12 **

 

I had decided to follow Monica’s suggestion and set out to find a set of “sexy lingerie and let that do the talking”. I had to order online for the lingerie, because apparently Victoria’s Secret didn’t carry my cup size in store. Having a big bust size was not what it was cracked up to be, I don’t care what anyone says. 

 

I eyed myself in my babydoll, happy that I had chosen light purple as the color. My breasts fit snuggly in the cups and end of my skirt ended just above my thighs. My braids were pulled into a loose ponytail and I had to admit to myself that I looked good.

 

I was a thick girl, but Erik seemed to like it. There had been more than one occasion when Erik had shown appreciation for my ass by giving it a passing squeeze or smack, whenever I wore pants or skirts that accentuated my curves. He had laughed at my scandalized expression and simply said he couldn't help himself. Erik wasn’t one to hold back when he saw something he liked.

 

____

 

I had just finished my first glass of wine, trying to calm my nerves, when I heard the front door open.

 

“I’m in here,” I called, my heart already hammering in my chest.

 

_Stay confident, Shae._

 

Erik walked into the living room, his eyes finding me where I sat on the couch, pausing as he took in my appearance. I stood when he entered and watched as his eyes roamed my figure slowly before returning to my face. His eyes had darkened with lust and I felt relief. It had only been for a few seconds, but I had started to feel silly and had worried how he would react. 

 

“Do you like it?” I asked softly and did a little twirl.

 

“Come here,” he spoke in that low voice that I loved, and I could already feel myself growing wet.

 

When I reached him, he pulled me into a deep kiss, his tongue dominating mine, his hands sliding down my waist to curve around my ass and squeeze. He pulled his lips away to gaze down at me.

 

“This all for me?”

  
I nodded.

 

He slid his fingers between my legs and I gasped as they stroked along my wet folds.

 

“This for me too?”

  
“Uh huh,” I moaned, and he smirked at me, before lifting me easily into his arms.  I knew where this was going and immediately wrapped my legs around his waist as he walked to my bedroom. He kicked the door shut behind him and dropped me onto the bed. I bounced lightly and looked up at him as he began to peel off his shirt.

  
“I want to…” I hesitated, the words freezing on my tongue. He arched a brow at me, tossing his shirt to the side.

 

“You want to what?”

  
“Umm…” I licked my lips nervously, watching transfixed as he finished undressing. It was hard to focus suddenly, as Erik stood in front of me in all his naked glory, with no ounce of shame as his dark eyes gazed down at me. I swallowed, eying all those rippling muscles and reached for him. I blinked when he pulled away.

 

“Imma need you to tell me what you want, Shae.” 

 

What? My eyes flickered to his dick and back to his face again pointedly.  I thought it was obvious what I wanted. The whole point of the lingerie was to _show_ him what I wanted.

 

He smirked at me.

 

“You want this dick, baby girl?”

 

I felt my face heat. Erik was smart. He _had_ picked up on the subtle clues and knew that I wanted to take the next step.

 

I nodded.

 

“Nah that ain’t gonna work. I want you to say it.”

 

I groaned internally. Of course. Erik wasn’t going to make this easy for me. It had been silly of me to think he would.  

 

I glared up at him. “I’m not going to beg you,” I told him, watching as dark amusement slid into his eyes.

 

We stared at each other for a moment before he pushed me suddenly on my back, startling me. I watched in horror as Erik grabbed a fist full of my babydoll and yanked. The lace tore, and he threw the rendered garment to the side without a second glance.

 

“Erik!”  

 

_I had just bought that!_

 

He ignored me, drawing my hips towards him and threw my legs over his shoulders. I felt a tremor go through me at the look in his eyes. It was the only warning I had before he sealed his lips to my cunt.

 

Erik fed from me with a viciousness I hadn’t experienced before. His tongue thrust deep into my pussy, driving deep and twisting as he stroked along my inner walls. As soon as my walls clamped down he’d pull away to do quick licks along my folds and drag across my clit. He kept his firm grip on my hips to keep me from wiggling away, and I vaguely wondered if I’d have bruises in the morning.

 

“Fuck,” I cried, my spine arching as he wrapped his lips around my clit and sucked. My orgasm exploded through me suddenly and I thrashed, clawing at my bedsheets.

 

Erik lifted his head and leaned over me, his lips wet with my juices. He kissed me deeply and I whimpered into his mouth as his fingers stroked alongside my swollen folds.

 

I stroked my hands down his back, reveling in the feeling of his scars and the flex of muscles as he shifted above me. I made to wrap my legs around his waist, when his hands gripped my inner thighs stilling my motions.

 

He dipped two fingers inside me, his fingers twisting and curling. I moaned, rocking my hips against his hand. That damn smirk was still on his face. I reached my arms to wrap around his neck and tried to pull him down to me.

 

He didn’t budge but titled his head down to brush his lips lightly against mine, and slipped a third finger inside, stroking a spot inside me that made me moan and arch my back again. The pleasure overrode the pain of being stretched, and I marveled at the feeling that Erik knew how to work my body.

 

“Gotta tell me what you want, baby girl,” he murmured and repeated the motion. My legs strained against the grip of his hand, trying to draw him in any way I could. But Erik wasn’t moving unless he wanted to. I had underestimated his self-control.

 

I was going to have to say it. I met his gaze and licked my lips.

 

“Do it,” I said softly and he tsked, shaking his head.

 

“Nah, you gonna have to do better than that, ma.”

 

 He continued thrusting his fingers inside me, making a wet sound that had my face heating.

 

But _fuck_ did it feel good.

 

His thumb suddenly flicked lightly against my clit and my hips jerked at the feeling. I whimpered.

 

“Please, Erik." So much for not begging him.

  
His eyes flashed at me and he leaned forward and growled, “Say it.” 

 

I swallowed.

 

“Fuck me,” I whispered, all notions of pride out the window.

 

“Didn’t hear that,” he said, his lips skimming along my jaw. I shuddered.

 

“Erik, please…please fuck me,” I gasped louder. He kissed me deeply, pulling away to nip my bottom lip.

 

“That wasn’t that hard, was it, princess?” he teased, pulling his hand away to spread my legs as wide as they could go. He thrust forward suddenly, and I cried out.  

 

My body tensed at the invasion, struggling to adjust to the feel of him pushing in. He hadn’t pushed all the way in yet, but I could already feel the burning pain of being stretched so suddenly. A few tears escaped and slid down my cheeks.

 

“Shit. Don’t tense up, Shae,” he said, rocking his hips further in. “The slower I go, the more it’ll hurt.”

 

I swallowed and nodded, trying to relax as much as I could. Erik thrust forward until he was buried completely inside of me, his hands sliding up to settle on my hips. I turned my head to the side, my body shaking and wiled myself not to cry from the pain. He had loosened me up slightly with his fingers, but it still didn’t compare to the feeling of being stretched so fully for the first time.

 

And oh god, he was _so_ deep.

 

Erik stayed still, his eyes studying me. I stayed still for a few more moments, before I tilted my head to meet his gaze. I took a deep breath, letting it out as I shifted my hips slightly.

 

“I’m ok,” I said, relieved that my voice didn’t waiver. He held my gaze for a moment before flexing his hips in slow and shallow thrusts.  I gripped the bedding, my body tensing again.

 

“I told you not to tense up,” he grunted. His hips did a swiveling motion that made my toes curl. The pain was easing into a warm pleasant feeling as I began to feel each slow stroke more deeply.

 

“Oh,” I said, and he chuckled.

 

“You like that?”

 

I nodded, and he began to pick up his pace. I could _feel_ him moving inside me, the head of his dick bumping against a spot inside me that made me see stars and my pussy clench around him.

 

 “Goddamn, Shae,” he muttered, thrusting deeper. “This pussy so fucking tight.”

 

He leaned back and lifted my hips off the bed, changing the angle of his thrusts. There was more pleasure than pain now and I began to rock my hips to meet his thrusts, my chest heaving as thin layer of sweat broke over my skin. One hand reached forward to squeeze my breast, his fingers pinching and rolling the hardened peak.

 

"Fuck, you know how good you look right now?"

 

He moved again suddenly, his hands moving to push my knees to my chest. The angle had him pushing in deeper and I cried out.

 

“Oh god!”

 

“Ain’t my name, ma,” he grunted, and I could see it in his eyes. He was starting to lose control, his thrusts becoming rougher, the fire blazing full on in his eyes. I could already feel a tingle in my lower back that told me I was going to be extremely sore tomorrow.

 

It was fucking worth it.

 

“Erik…Erik, I’m gonna cum,” I moaned, feeling my impending orgasm coil low in my belly.  

 

“Go ahead, baby girl. Cum on this dick.” He dragged his lips down the side of my neck, sucking at the flesh there. His grip was tight on me, his pace never faltering.

 

With a particularly deep thrust, my release crested over me in a warm, liquid rush of pleasure. I could feel the wetness of my release coating his dick and wetting my thighs. He continued to pump into me, prolonging my orgasm until I pushed at him weakly.

 

Erik loosened his grip and pulled away, the feeling of him sliding out of me making me whimper. I stared up at the ceiling, struggling to catch my breath, my legs still shaking.

 

Strong hands gripped my hips and neatly flipped me over. I gasped, peering over my shoulder at him. His fingers kneaded my ass before he delivered a firm smack to the twin cheeks.

 

“Erik!” I squeaked, shocked. He rubbed at the stinging flesh and swatted them again and my pussy throbbed.

 

He arched a brow at me.

 

“What, you thought we were done?”

 

He pulled my hips up, his hands spreading the cheeks of my ass, his dick parting the swollen lips of my pussy.

 

“I’ve been waiting for this shit,” he said and plunged himself inside me, his dick stretching my walls all over again. He watched as he slid in and out of me, the wet, sticky sound of his movements filling the room.

 

He raised his eyes to meet mine, and I was reminded suddenly of a predator.

 

“I ain’t done with you yet, princess,” he growled at me and I whimpered. He snapped his hips forward again, one arm linking around my waist to keep me in place.

 

I clutched at the arm that held me, crying out as he started his rough pace again. Erik dipped his hand to rub at my swollen clit and I came suddenly, gasping and moaning.

 

"Oh my god!"

 

"I told you that ain’t my name, Shae," he growled.

 

I slumped forward, and he kept my ass in the air as he continued to slam into me. Over and over and over again. 

 

Small mewls of pleasure spilled from my lips, and I clutched at the sheets. 

 

"Fuck, Shae, look at you takin this dick," he grunted, his pace increasing. 

 

I buried my face in my pillow, muffling my cries. It was too much. I could feel my orgasm building again, the rough treatment keeping me just on the edge.

 

"Look at me," he growled.

 

I shook my head, my grip tightening on my sheets. I was rocking back into him, my ass slapping against his muscular thighs. 

 

"I said look at me."

 

The command had me lifting my head, gazing at him over my shoulder. My breath hitched at the sight.

  


The sheen of sweat on his brown skin highlighted his flexing muscles as he continued to thrust into me. The dark look in his eyes was primal and there was an emotion swimming in the depth of his gaze that I didn’t dare try to name.

 

"Oh fuck," I whispered, clenching around him. He leant forward, bracing himself above me on one arm the other still gripping my waist. He kept his gaze locked with mine.

 

"Keep those fucking beautiful eyes on me, Shae."

 

I could see the tension lining his body, his strokes becoming erratic and his jaw clenching.

 

"Fuck," he groaned.

 

One final thrust had him pulsing inside me, the feel of his dick twitching inside me finally pushing me over the edge. Yes, I was definitely glad I was on the pill.

 

My pussy clenched around him, milking his release. He wrapped a hand loosely around my throat, tilting my head back for a kiss, our tongues warring for dominance. I moaned into his mouth and his hand slipped from my throat as he pulled away. I finally collapsed on the bed and closed my eyes, trying to catch my breath.

 

I felt the bed shift as he stood and went to the bathroom, the sound of running water reaching my ears a moment later. I was suddenly very tired, and I began to feel a painful throb between my legs.

 

When Erik returned, he turned me towards him and my body moved limply. He wiped down a cloth between my legs and I watched him curiously. He was being surprisingly gentle as he cleaned me before tossing the cloth to the side. He laid down next to me, his eyes searching my face and I blinked slowly at him. He didn't say anything, but pressed his lips against mine, his kiss gentle. The tenderness surprised me, and I raised a hand to cup his face as I kissed him back. Pulling his lips from mine he tugged me towards him, his arms wrapping around me. I tucked my head under his chin and he began to stroke lazy patterns on my back.

 

We hadn't said a word, but for some reason, I couldn't stop smiling. I knew this was a rare moment and I wanted to savor it for as long as I could.

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae's morning after

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a general reminder that this story has sexual content and be wary! I may not always remember that I have some scenes written, so just proceed at your own risk.
> 
> Sorry for the long update! I had finals and prepping for my summer plans. I plan to release a few chapters today and then there may be a brief break for a week or two as I develop the next section of the story.
> 
> I appreciate all the enthusiasm and comments! I live for reviews, so if you like my story please review!

** Chapter 13 **

The first sensation that hit me was intense soreness and tightness. I stretched, wincing at the aches and pains, squinting due to the bright sunlight that filtered through my bedroom window. Only a few seconds passed before I realized that I was alone. Erik and his clothes were gone, with the only indication that last night hadn’t been a dream being my stiff muscles and the ache between my legs. When I checked my phone laying on my nightstand, there were no missed calls or messages. I tried to keep my thoughts from going wild.

  _Where had he gone? Why didn’t he wake me before he left?_

 _Would he come back_?

I quickly wrapped myself in a robe and padded into the living room, trying to ignore the worry that made my stomach clench uncomfortably. I trusted Erik, didn’t I? He wouldn’t have bailed just because I finally slept with him. Would he?

I was on this train of thought when I stepped into the living room and paused at the sight of Erik leaning against my kitchen bar, casually drinking from a bottle of orange juice.  I let the tension in my body out slowly with a long breath and he glanced up at the sound. He arched a brow at the expression on my face.

“What’s wrong with you?”

I struggled to control my facial expression, trying to settle on a neutral look as I walked towards him.

“Nothing, just a bit sore,” I replied casually. It wasn’t really a lie. I didn’t want him to know that I had basically had a brief panic attack at the thought of him leaving me. I wrapped my arms around his waist and dropped my head onto his chest, feeling his raised scars brush my cheek through the thin material of his t-shirt. I breathed deeply, taking in the smell of his scent and cologne. I must have been extremely tired to miss that he had taken a shower and dressed without waking.

Erik tilted my chin up, his dark brown eyes searching mine. His brows furrowed at what he found.

“Nah.”

I blinked at him, shifting slightly.

“Huh?” I asked innocently, and he frowned.

“That ain’t what’s wrong with you.”

It should bother me how well he could read me. I titled my head away, my gaze dropping to where my fingers rested against his shirt.

Erik sucked his teeth and shook his head at me.

“Shit. You thought I left you,” he muttered, and I couldn’t help but grow tense at his tone.

“No, I…”

“Damn, Shae,” he snapped and took a step back, turning towards the kitchen. “What’s a nigga got to do convince you I ain’t goin’ nowhere. I already told you…”

I followed him into the kitchen, watching as he tossed his empty orange juice bottle into the trash can. I couldn’t see his face, but I could tell from his motions that he was tense and angry.

I felt guilty. I had known that Erik being exclusive with me was hard for him, and not just because I had asked him to wait for something he could easily get from someone else. But I had also known that I wasn’t the typical girl that he’d normally be with. I could tell he was careful around me, trying to hide a part of himself from me and a past that he refused to talk about.

“I’m sorry Erik,” I said softly and wrapped my arms around him again, resting my cheek against his broad back. I stroked my fingers lightly against abdomen, marveling silently at the tense muscles. There wasn’t an ounce of fat on this man.

“I couldn’t help it. And it’s not that I don’t trust you…I was just worried maybe, because I’m so new to all of this, that maybe you weren’t….”

My confession cut off, my face heating with embarrassment. I took a deep breath and continued.

“I know that you’re used to more…. experienced girls, and I was just worried that after last night, you were unsatisfied somehow….”

“Shae.”   
  
“I mean, it was amazing for me. Mind-blowing, in fact. And I’m not just saying that because you’re my first. I mean, I’ve made out with other guys before and some were pretty good at that….”

“Shae.” There was an edge to his voice now, but I continued not wanting to derail now that I was on a row.

“But you’re the best, hands down. I just know that you’re probably used to someone who can be a bit more adventurous in bed and it’s not that I wouldn’t mind trying, I just don’t want you to be disappointed…”

“ _Shae.”_

My fingers froze at the growl and I clamped my mouth shut.

“You talk too fuckin’ much.”

I dropped my arms from him and stepped back, offended. I opened my mouth, ready to argue when I stopped at the look on his face when he turned to me.

“Always worried about stupid shit,” he growled and stalked towards me. I backed up until I hit the wall, and he raised his arms to cage me in. I gazed up into his face, my eyes wide.

Erik’s eyes slid slowly down my body, before meeting mine again. He licked his lips and leaned forward, his voice dipping low.

“You ain’t got no fucking idea….” He said slowly, as his lips traced the shell of my ear…”how fucking good your pussy feels.”

“Erik!”

Erik could be so crude and vulgar, never bothering to hide behind pretty or polite words. Normally it was a turn off to hear men talk like that, but coming from Erik, I had to admit to myself it was a huge turn on. And he knew it. 

“How tight you are…”

He pressed open-mouthed kisses along my neck, his hands dropping to my waist to pull me close, so that I could feel his hardness through his jeans.

“How you fuckin’ look when you cum….”

I whimpered as his strong hands reach down to give my ass a squeeze. My eyes fluttered shut and I leant against him, my hands griping his biceps.

“Got a nigga’s dick hard just thinkin’ about it.”

“Erik…”

He cut off the rest of my words with a passionate kiss, one hand cupping the back of my head as he leaned into me. He swallowed my moan and I returned the kiss eagerly, my hands lifting to bury in his hair. I pulled away slightly, nipping his bottom lip and sliding my tongue across to soothe it.

“Shit, Shae,” he growled and lifted me, setting me on the counter. He yanked my robe open and pushed me back with a firm hand on my stomach. I leaned back on my elbows as he spread my legs open, his gaze dropping to my core.

“Already wet for me, huh?”

I licked my lips, watching as he lowered his face between my legs. He gave a long lick along my slit and I shivered, my hands reaching down to bury in his hair. His hands massaged my inner thighs, his tongue circling my clit slowly.

“Ah,” I gasped and rocked my hips into his face. His hands gripped my waist, stilling my movements. 

“If you move again, I’ll stop,” he warned, and I nodded. He continued, stroking his tongue along my folds, teasing my entrance without slipping inside. I whimpered, willing my muscles to stay loose.

I definitely didn’t want him to stop, but he was moving _so_ slowly.

“Erik,” I groaned and tugged at the dreads in my hands. “Please.”

I heard him chuckle before he pressed his tongue inside. I whimpered as he tasted me, my fingers flexing in his hair. His fingers reached up to roll my clit between his fingers and I arched my back, a ragged gasp falling from my lips.

“Erik, please don’t stop.”

He continued his motions and my legs began shaking where they were laid on his shoulders. I was so close…

His tongue replaced his fingers, swirling around my clit until my release crested and I screamed his name. I slumped, my hands falling limply from his hair, my chest still heaving.

“Love how you say my name, ma,” he said, and I titled my head to look at him. He laughed at the sated expression on my face and I couldn’t help but smile.

_____ 

I had finally taken the leap and was now in new uncharted territory in my first serious relationship. And, being the overthinking and internalizing individual that I was, the implications were not lost on me.

On the one hand, I was a modern woman.  Sex was my choice and I shouldn’t be ashamed of making that choice, no matter how our relationship developed in the future. On the other hand, I was a worrisome person who had no illusions about where I stood amongst what happened to be probably a long list of Erik’s conquests. After the initial thrill of finally having my first time ended, I was now left with the nagging worry of what else would keep Erik interested in me.  

Would it be cliché for me to assume that our relationship would change after that first night?

Don’t get me wrong, the inclusion of sex was a fantastic element to my developing relationship with Erik. I was still self-conscious about my lack of experience, but Erik handled me so well that I couldn’t help but feel sexy whenever we were intimate together. His was so attentive and passionate, able to read my body in a way I didn’t think possible. I knew instinctively that Erik had ruined me for other men.

But even after that morning, I still had my internal doubts and I hated it. Hell, I had just spent the last years of my life studying the behavior and psychological nuances of the mind. I had taught classes about it and had participated in clinical studies and advised clients. I should have been prepared to overcome the very basic fears that my boyfriend might decide to bounce since he’d finally gotten into my pants. I should have been able to recognize my own emotional attachments and fears.

The infuriating thing is that I knew that this fear was based on who I knew Erik _used_ to be. The Erik who had told me straight up that our friendship was based on his desire to fuck me. Who probably would have _told_ me the next morning, “be seeing you, ma” or some fuckboi shit like that. But he didn’t. Erik spent the rest of that morning making me forget all my worries or doubts.

 _I ain’t going nowhere, ma_.

The words had meant more to me than he probably thought. But there was a part of me that worried that I wouldn’t be or couldn’t be what he truly wanted. I wasn’t going to change who I was for him, but I had given him a part of me, something that I had held onto for someone special.  I had hoped that Erik would finally give a part of himself to me too.

But, he was still closed off, still holding back a part of himself that I could sometimes see wanting to get out.   I was still trying to be patient, giving him his space and not asking too many questions. Whenever I managed to get a new bit of information from him, I expressed how happy it made me and sometimes, I could see in his eyes his that his resolve to keep himself closed off waiver. But then it’d clear, and he’d just quirk his lips in this half smile that both infuriated me and made me happy.

 Erik was a complex person, the most complex person I had ever meet. It was a constant reminder that working with people who are just clients is a lot different from being with people who you care about.

_____   
“Imma be gone for a few days.”

Erik said the words distractedly, frowning at something on his phone. I never knew who he’d be texting or who called him so often and I wasn’t bold enough to try sneaking on his phone either. I didn’t want to be a suspicious girlfriend, even though I was extremely curious. Any time I’d ask, it was always that same answer: 

“Work?” I asked lightly, as I stirred my pot of spaghetti sauce. Spaghetti was my go to meal when I didn’t have a lot to work with. Money was tight, and my groceries were limited.

Not that I’d tell Erik that. He wasn’t the only one who kept things to himself.

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Oh, ok.”

Erik finally looked up at the dejected tone in my voice.

“Why you sound like that for?”

I rummaged through my spice cabinet, trying to find my oregano and basil. It was a simple, but tasty recipe.  

“No reason,” I said, returning to my saucepot with my selections.

 Another work trip, where I wasn’t sure where he was going or when he’d come back.

“Ay.”

I turned to look at him, keeping my face neutral. Nagging thoughts were buzzing in my head and I didn’t want to voice them. Erik eyes searched my face before he shook his head.

“The shit you must be thinking…”

“I’m not thinking anything. Hope you have a good trip.”

Had that sounded bratty? I wasn’t trying to sound that way. Not really.

Erik crossed his arms and leaned against the counter.

“I ain’t leaving yet, Shae. Not till tomorrow.”

“Ok.”

I stirred in the oregano and basil and set the heat on simmer. I normally let it simmer for about an hour or so.   I ignored Erik as I walked out the kitchen to wander into the living room.

Erik followed me and perched himself on the end of the couch. When I made to move past him, he tugged me into his arms, so I stood in between his legs.

 I sighed.

“Let go, Erik.”

He pulled me closer and I braced my hands on his shoulders.

“Why you trippin’?”

There was annoyance in his voice now and I gave him another placid look.

“I didn’t think I was.”

He gave me another long look before frowning.

“I ain’t fucking with nobody else, Shae.”

I blinked and finally met his gaze. A nagging sense of guilt tugged at the back of my mind.

“I never said…”

“But yo ass was thinkin’ it.”

“No, I wasn’t!”

Erik sucked his teeth.

“That’s the shit ya’ll come up with first.”

He was wearing a short-sleeved t-shirt and I let myself trace the scars on his arms, not sure if I was trying to placate him or myself. Was it wrong of me to be worried? Isn’t work the typical excuse niggas used when they had a side chick?

“Look at me, Shae.”

My eyes flickered to meet his.

“When have I lied to you?”

I nudged the glasses up the bridge of my nose.

“Never. But you don’t tell me everything.”

I continued stroking along his arm, my fingers pressing lightly against the muscle there.

“I just worry sometimes.”

I wasn't going to apologize, but I could at least be truthful. We stood in silence as I continued stroking his arm, letting my eyes trace the path I made with my fingers. Erik didn’t stop me, his hands still resting lightly on my waist.

“I’ll be in Brazil.”

The words had me jerking my gaze up to his face again.

“Really?”

His lips quirked at the enthusiasm in my voice, his fingers beginning their own motions as he moved them to stroke the soft skin of my belly. I squirmed slightly—he knew I was ticklish there.

“Yeah.”

It was small, but it appeased me. I wasn’t feeling greedy today and Erik was right. He had never lied to me. If anything, I just haven’t mastered the tactic of asking him the right questions. He wouldn’t offer it freely, but sometimes….

 “I trust you, Erik.”

A look shifted across his face. It was one of those looks that had me feeling my words had more of an impact.

“I mean…if you were cheating on me, it wouldn’t be that bad.” 

He arched a brow. I titled my head and gave him an innocent look.

“I do have options, you know. I’m pretty sure I still have Troy’s number and then there’s that nice guy that moved into the apartments last week…”

Erik’s eyes darkened.

“Oh, you got jokes, huh?”

I let out a squeal as he threw me suddenly over his shoulder. His strength never ceased to surprise me.

“Erik!” I laughed. 

“Imma have to show you who this ass belongs to.”

He punctuated his words with a firm smack to my ass. I yelped and wiggled.

“I was just kidding!”

“Nah, you want to talk shit…”

 _I’m glad I put the sauce on simmer,_ I thought absently.

Erik was a man of his word and made sure to spend the rest of the night reminding me of that.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae has to come to terms with her insecurities and meets a neighbor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for language, because, you know, it's Erik.

** Chapter 14 **

“I never did congratulate you on graduating, dear,” Ms. Vivian said. I sat in her living room and accepted the cup of tea she passed to me. She was a kind, older woman who also happened to be my landlord of three years.

  
“Oh, thank you. I’m happy to be done,” I told her with a smile.

 

Ms. Vivian had taken over for her deceased husband who had died about five years ago of a heart attack. Where Ms. Janice reminded me of my mother, Ms. Vivian reminded me of my grandmother.

 

That’s why this conversation was going to be a bit difficult for me. 

“Ms. Vivian,” I said slowly. I stalled, taking a sip of my tea and her lips quirked.

“I’m guess this has something to do with your rent?”

I winced. I had been struggling with money problems since I couldn’t rely on scholarship money after graduating. I still had plans to move out to Oakland to work at the Wakandan Outreach Center. I had done more research on Wakanda and had marveled at their level of technological advancement. Not only were they so far ahead in their scientific fields, but they had managed to tie in their spiritual and cultural traditions into their work as well.         

            Working at the Wakandan Outreach Center would check a lot of my boxes for the start of my career. Good pay, ability to work with the local community and youth, and access to the most advanced scientific research in neurology and psychology. I had also heard they were considering a few limited educational opportunities in Wakanda itself. I had just finished up graduate school, but I’d be damned if I didn’t go back if I could have access to the wealth of knowledge and experience that I knew Wakanda would offer.

There were a few snags in my plan though.

For one, I hadn’t told Erik about my plans and we had been a bit…distracted the night before he left.  I mean, I’m sure he knew that I didn’t have plans to stay in Massachusetts forever. Hell, the only reason I was still here was because of my recent graduation and the fact that I didn’t have resources to move yet. I wasn’t from California, but I was ready for the sun and warm weather. His willingness to be here, knowing he could have been anywhere else, was something that made that warmth in my heart grow.

Second, my plan had been to find a job locally, to get some experience to help boost my resume, and to save up money for the move. But I needed money to pay bills that were due now. So, I had taken extra shifts at the library, relieved that they kept me on even though I was now a graduate. But the pay was only so much, and I was still waiting for responses from the jobs I had already applied to.

“Child, I have never seen someone so young, worry so much.”

Ms. Vivian’s words broke me out of my thoughts and I gave her a sheepish smile.

“Sorry, Ms. Vivian. My boyfriend says it’s an annoying habit.”

 _My boyfriend_. Even after this time I still had a warm feeling whenever I spoke of Erik that way.

Ms. Vivian studied me for a moment before laughing lightly.

“Ah, young love. You remind me of me and my Harold. He was a good man, just like your young man.”

I gave her a confused look. As far as I knew, I had never introduced Erik to Ms. Vivian.

“I’m sorry?”

She hummed and took a sip of her tea.

“Yes, very handsome young man.” She gave me another smile. “I’m happy you found someone, Shae. I was a bit worried for a minute.”

I shook my head.

“Ms. Vivian, when did you meet Erik?”

She had a tendency of getting off track if I let her.

“When? Hmm... it was about a week or two ago, when he dropped off your rent check.”

I froze and slowly set my cup down.

“I’m sorry?” I squeaked again. Ms. Vivian tilted her head at me.

“I thought that’s why you stopped by? I know I didn’t give you the official letter to show you that your balance was up to date…but you know how long it takes me to send those letters….”

I tuned out the rest of Ms. Vivian’s words as my mind spun.

Erik had paid my rent? Up to date?

I had been 60 days behind and had known it was serious when Ms. Vivian had sent me a handwritten note to remind me to pay. She was a kind woman, but I knew she had her own livelihood to worry about. That’s why I had felt so guilty today. I had planned on asking for an extension to the end of the month. 

Ms. Vivian had gotten up to rummage in the other room.

“Oh,” she called, “actually it looks like it’s for the next three months too. I thought the amount had been larger than normal….”

Her words trailed off as she moved further into the room.

I hadn’t moved from my spot, still reeling from the shock.

_The next three months?!_

Ms. Vivian returned with a small slip of paper. She handed it to me with a bright smile.

“See, here’s your receipt.” 

“I-I didn’t know he had paid it….” I said, staring down at the numbers. She was right. Erik had paid my past due balance and the next three months.

“No? Well, that was sweet of him.”

I looked at her and she pursed her lips.

“Shae, child, don’t go over thinking it like you do. There’s nothing wrong with having a man who wants to look after you.”

“But, I didn’t ask him to!”

I hadn’t meant to raise my voice, but Ms. Vivian just chuckled. 

“And? It just means he cares about you, dear. You’re a sweet and smart girl. You deserve to be happy.”

I rose and gave her a weak smile.

“Thank you, Ms. Vivian.”

“You don’t want the rest of your tea?”

“No, thank you. I need to get back and get ready for work.”

She gave me a knowing look before nodding.

“Don’t be too hard on him, Shae,” she said as I left. There was humor in her voice, as if she knew exactly what I was about to do.

I hated that she was right.

________

“You paid my rent,” I said as soon as Erik answered the phone.

 “Yeah?”

I blinked, faltering for a moment. I guess I had expected him to deny it.

“I didn’t ask you to! How did you even know anyway?”

“You left the notice on the table.”

“You went through my mail?”

Someone said something in the background and I heard him turn to answer. It was a male voice and for a split second, I felt it sounded familiar for some reason.

“Didn’t go through it, ma. You weren’t exactly hiding it.”

It took me a second to realize he was speaking to me again.

I paced my living room, as if trying to outpace my running thoughts. I knew I was overacting, but I couldn’t help it. I had just spent the last few weeks internally worried about our relationship. And then he had just paid my rent. Past due balance and three fucking months?! 

“Chill out, Shae,” he said, and I glared at a painting that hung on my wall. I hated that he knew what I was doing without seeing me. 

“I am chill. Very chill….”

“Why you freakin’ out, ma? Shoulda asked me in the first place…”

“I don’t need your help!”

I winced as the words left my mouth. A tense silence followed, and I twisted the end of my shirt nervously.  

 I had learned early on how to take care of myself, no matter how hard it could be. Money was a sore point for me—I knew that it could be a wedge between couples and I didn’t like the idea of owing anyone. My mind was running in circles, constructing these worse case scenarios based on other’s experiences and I was reeling from the realization that I had put all of that on Erik. Wasn’t I supposed to be better at this?

 _Let’s try that again, Shae_.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t…I don’t want you to think I want you for your money…”

“Who the fuck said you did?”

I bit my lip. I didn’t know Erik’s real net worth was, but I knew he had money.  Not just because of his cars or clothes, but the fact that he never seemed bothered when it came to spending money. As for me, I was always scrambling to account for every cent that I spent to ensure I wasn’t overbudget.  I guess I hadn’t realized until now how much it bothered me.

I took a deep breath and let it out.

“Ok. But still…I wished you’d have told me first.”

“Yo’ ass still would’ve been trippin’.”

Ugh. He had a point there.

“Why does it bother you so much anyway? I told you I got you, princess.”

He used my nickname which told me he wasn’t mad. I had finally stopped pacing and flopped down to lay on the couch, my gaze to the ceiling.

“I’ll pay you back.”

I didn’t feel like explaining to him my insecurities around our relationship.

“Whatever you say, baby girl.”

I tugged off my glasses to rub at my eyes.

“I mean it. It’ll take a minute, but I will.”

“Nah, we good.”

I opened my mouth to protest again when I heard the male voice in the background again. There was another voice this time and it was female. I couldn’t tell what they were saying, the reception only strong enough that Erik’s voice was clear.

“Who’s that?”

The question slipped out before I could stop it and I wondered if he’d answer it.

“My cousin.”

His reply came easily, and I sat up, surprised with his answer. As far as I’d knew, he hadn’t been around his family since he came back.

“Really? Who’s the other person?”

“My other cousin.”

I pursed my lips and he chuckled. I knew he had guessed my facial expression.

“Oh. Well, maybe one day I’ll meet them.”

“Maybe.”

Hmm. That was new. I smiled at the thought of meeting Erik’s family. Or at least the family that I vaguely knew about.

I heard him huff a small laugh.

“You good now?”

It was silly but hearing him around his family made me smile. I was willing to let the argument drop for now.

“Yeah. I thought you were on a business trip?”

“I am.”

I groaned.

“God, can’t you give me more than these short answers?”

“Nah, that’s all you get today.”

“You’re lucky I’m such a patient girlfriend. I know a lot of other girls who wouldn’t stand for this, Mr. Stevens,” I told him playfully.

Erik didn’t say anything and for a moment I wondered if he’d taken my comment the wrong way.

“I know, Shae,” he said finally. His tone was serious, and I wondered what he was thinking.

I hesitated before saying, “Erik?”

“Yeah?”

“I..

_I love you._

“I’ll see you when you get back.”

_Coward._

“Aight, princess.”

He ended the call and I fell back on my couch again to stare at my ceiling. My life was my own and I couldn’t let my insecurities get in the way of my relationship. I had known long ago the risks that came with being with Erik. And now, I was falling in love with him.

No, that wasn’t true. I think I was already in love with him. It was an odd feeling. Something I hadn’t experience before. And I was beginning to realize it meant that I was giving more of myself than I ever thought I would.

Was I going to be ok with that?

______

Erik ended up being gone for three weeks. He kept in touch, but about two weeks in it became limited to text messages. Something about bad reception or something.

When the nagging thoughts came back I told them to shut the fuck up. I had decided to go all in with trusting Erik. I had to, or I’d go crazy with worry. I didn’t even bother talking to Alisha or Monica about it. They tended to expect the worse and I didn’t need that negativity. Turns out I could come up with worse case scenarios on my own. 

It was actually during this time that I met my new neighbor, Liam. Liam had moved in a week before Erik left and I finally ran into him the first week Erik was gone. He had noticed me struggling with my bags of groceries as I came in and had come to my assistance. Liam was one of those guys who always seemed to be smiling or cracking a joke. He had a short fade and was clean shaven with more of a swimmer’s build. I wasn’t sure, but I think he was mixed with Puerto Rican maybe? He never brought it up, so I figured it’d be rude to ask.

Liam was nice enough, but he approached me with that open confidence that he knew women found him attractive. It wasn’t as subtle as Erik’s charm and I’d actually been amused with his casual attempts to flirt with me.

“ _You don’t have a car, girl? I don’t mind giving a neighbor a ride. Need to look out for our queens, out here, you know?_

_I resisted the urge to roll my eyes._

_“I’m fine, Liam. My boyfriend gives me ride most of the time. And it’s not a big deal, I don’t mind the bus.”_

I had recently gotten into the habit of comparing guys to Erik now and found that many of them couldn’t measure up for me. I’d die before I told Erik that though. His arrogant ass didn’t need an ego boost.

To his credit, Liam seemed to back off once he learned I had a boyfriend. He stayed pleasant and I didn’t mind it when he’d talk to me outside my apartment when we arrived home at the same time.

I learned he was an artist, a painter, to be more specific. He was self-employed and seemed content to chill in his apartment most days.

“You like painting?” he asked me one evening. This time I was helping him with some of his painting supplies that he’d bought.

I shrugged.

“In one of my clinic studies, we had patients do art therapy. Some chose painting, but I was mostly observing.”

He hummed thoughtfully and opened his door. I followed inside, dropping the bag to the spot he motioned to. I took a moment to let my eyes sweep across the living room. It was a mess. Liam’s living room was setup for open space, with only a couch and a few stools as sitting spaces. There was a large, white tarp that was marked with different colored paints splatters spread across the hardwood floor. A few blank canvases were stacked against the wall and he had three easels set up, two of them empty. The one that was occupied had what looked like the making of an abstract landscape. Unpacked boxes made up the rest of the space along the walls.

I turned to him with my brows raised. He gave me a sheepish grin.

“Hey, I don’t have time to keep it clean. I just got let myself work, you know?”

I hummed, and he chuckled. He motioned to one of the empty easels.

“You want a paint session?”

I hesitated, glancing around the room again. Painting could be a calming experience. Then again, I had only met Liam about two weeks ago. Still, I was just down the hall….  
  
Where I would mope around and probably stress myself with the lack of interview calls and growing bills.

“Sure.”

__

I took a few moments to change into my favorite pair of overalls and an old t-shirt before sending a quick text to Erik to let him know where I was. I knew he was coming back any day now, at least from what he’d told me, so I wanted to make sure he could find me if he got back early while I was at Liam’s.

To my surprise, my phone buzzed only a few moments after I sent the text.

‘Who the fuck is Liam?’

I could just hear the irritation through the text. I wasn’t the only one who could be predictable. I didn’t _need_ his permission to do what I wanted, but I knew how Erik could get when it came to me hanging out with other guys.

_“You too fucking nice, Shae. Niggas be sensing that shit,” he had said to me._

_I rolled my eyes._

_“What like you?”_

_He grinned at me widely._

_“And who you with now?”_

_I groaned._

_“I’m not going to cheat on you, Erik.”_

_“Ain’t worried about you, baby girl. These niggas out here…they’re fucking savages…”_

A small smile quirked my lips before I sent out a quick response.

‘He’s that new neighbor who moved in? He’s nice and yes, he knows about you.’

I watched as the dots appeared as he texted his response.

‘Don’t give a fuck. Keep yo’ ass at home. I’ll be back soon.’

I frowned and nudged my glasses up my nose. I gave myself a moment to tug my hair into a quick puff before sending my final text.

‘Oh, that’s sweet, babe. But I don’t remember asking for your permission. See you when you get home!’

It was a bold move and as I ignored the buzzing response in my pocket, knowing he’d be pissed. Still, I couldn’t help the grin that crossed my face.

Maybe I could be a bit…clueless when it came to the opposite sex. But I had survived before Erik and I wasn’t about to change how I interreacted with people just because he didn’t like it.

So now I stood eyeing my blank canvas, suffering from a bit of performance anxiety. Liam chuckled behind me. He leaned against me as he eyed my blank canvas.  

“What’s wrong? Not finding your muse?”

I shrugged, casually stepping away to sort through the paints.

“I don’t know what I want to paint yet.”

“Ah. It’s not about planning, it’s about feeling.”

I gave him a look and he laughed.

“You’re so serious, girl. I thought you were excited to paint?”

“I do! I just…I want it to be good.”

“Don’t worry so much about what you’re making and just make it.”

I groaned.

“That’s not helpful, Liam.”

“Look. Is there something that inspires you? Some emotion that just needs to come out?”

I paused, twirling my paintbrush in my hand. After another moment, I dipped my paintbrush and began painting. And suddenly, I was spilling myself on the canvas, getting lost in each new stroke and color. It reminded me a bit of when I got lost in dancing –I didn’t think of anything, I just let myself go.

I hadn’t realized how transfixed in my work I was before I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped and whirled.

Liam stood behind me grinning.

“Having fun?” he teased and wiped his thumb across my cheek. He pulled away to show red paint. I blinked and glanced down at my arms.

“Ugh, did I get everywhere?” I asked, and he laughed.

“You were lost in your work. And maybe a bit messy.”

 I grinned at him when there was a sudden knock at the door. While Liam went to answer it, I dipped my paintbrush in water and wiped my hands on a towel that rested on the table.

“Hey, Shae, it’s for you.”

Curious, I walked into the hallway, hesitating for only a brief second when I spotted Erik in the doorway. He stood wearing his favored long-sleeved blue shirt and jeans with combat boots. He didn’t look happy.

“Babe!”

I said it with as much enthusiasm as I could, side stepping Liam to hug him. As soon as my arms were around him, I let myself melt against him. I knew I’d pissed him off by being here, but I had missed him. I felt relief when he hugged me back. Maybe he wasn’t that mad.

I leaned back to study his face. His expression became neutral as his eyes swept over me. They flickered over my shoulder and I turned to see Liam leaning against the wall, a grin on his face. Erik frowned.

 _Shit_. 

“So, you’re the boyfriend?”

“Erik,” I supplied quickly, and Liam winked at me.

“Right. She’s good,” Liam said, and I hugged Erik tighter as I felt him tense. Of all the times for Liam to act like an ass….

“The fuck that’s supposed to mean?”

The edge was in Erik’s voice now and I groaned internally. I shot Liam a dirty look and his grin widened.

“He means painting,” I said, and against my better judgment, I tugged Erik in the room with me. Maybe showing him would help put him at ease.

He let me, his eyes sweeping around the room. It was an interesting habit I noticed about Erik. Whenever he went somewhere new, he always seemed careful to note his surroundings. Probably that Navy Seal training of his….

I motioned towards my painting, feeling suddenly bashful. “I’m not on Liam’s level, but it was kind of fun. You should try it.”

Erik tilted his head, studying the swirls of colors on my canvas.

“You used blue a lot.”

“Hmm?” I turned to look at my painting again thoughtfully. “Oh, I guess so.”

“Feeling down?” Liam teased, and I rolled my eyes at him. Erik gave him a look before his gaze returned to my painting.

“Blue don’t mean just sadness. Sometimes it represents loyalty, truth…” Erik noted absently. “You also use red, greens, and purples. Normally means passion, growth and royalty. You mixed them together, like you didn’t know what mattered most to you.”

I stared at him and he gave me a bemused look.

“What?”

I shook my head and leaned against him. His arm absently went to rest around my waist again. 

“I guess I didn’t know you liked art like that.”

He arched a brow at me.

“You think this is art?”

“Hey!” I cried offended and he chuckled.

“Mind if I keep it, Shae?”

Liam’s question had us turning to him. He was eying Erik, the grin no longer on his face.

“Oh sure, I don’t mind. It’s just random anyway.”

Liam’s eyes returned to me, his teasing grin returning.

“You made it, Shae. That makes it priceless.”

Erik shifted towards him, his arm tightening around my waist.

“Nigga, you need to chill out with that shit.”

_Abort!_

Liam opened his mouth to speak, and I interrupted him quickly.

“Sorry, Liam, we gotta go. Thanks for having me!”

He closed his mouth, his eyes darting to Erik and back at me. I began tugging Erik towards the door, ignoring the annoyed look he shot me.

“No problem, Shae. You’re welcome whenever.”

I nodded, knowing better to respond with any other affirmative.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SMUT. That's all this is with a bit of plot thrown in.   
> So beware for sexy times are ahead!

**Chapter 15**

“The fuck you tryin’ to pull with that shit back there?”

 

Erik’s voice still had that edge to it as he followed me into my bedroom.

 

I had two choices. Either I could get mad at him for being his typical, possessive self or I could try to play it off and hope he’d get over it. I didn’t want to fight on his first night back, so I went with the latter option.

 

“I was painting,” I replied, as I studied myself in my vanity mirror. Paint was on my cheek, neck and arms. How messy had I been? I slid off my shoes, tossing them into my closet.

 

Erik leaned against the wall, his arms crossed. That was his ‘I ain’t about to let this shit go’ pose. 

 

“That nigga is too comfortable with you.”

 

I walked into the master bathroom and tugged off my glasses and set them on the counter. I pulled out a scarf to wrap my hair away from my face and wetted a washcloth.

 

“He knows you’re my boyfriend, Erik,” I said, wiping at the spots of paint I could see.

 

“Didn’t seem to mean shit to him, did it?”

 

I continued washing absently, trying to ignore his gaze that was burning into me. Satisfied with my progress, I dumped my washcloth in the hamper.

 

Erik had moved to stand in the doorway between my master bathroom and bedroom. When I moved to walk past him into the bedroom, he pulled me back by the straps of my overalls.

 

“How many times you’ve been over there?”

 

Ugh. Is this how he felt when I’d ask him questions? I tried to break free without ripping my clothes. I glared at him.

 

“Would you let go?”

 

Erik merely raised a brow at me, his grip tightening. He only held me with one arm, his other still crossed over his chest. He watched me struggle, the only indication that he was even trying was the flex of his bicep as I attempted to pull away.

 

“Erik,” I whined.

 

He let go suddenly and I yelped, managing to catch myself against the end of my bed. I gave him a dirty look as I righted myself. He looked at me expectantly and I threw my hands up in exasperation.

 

“Today was the first time I’ve been to his place. He talks to me sometimes when he notices I’m home. Yes, Liam has boundary issues, but he’s harmless.”

 

Erik was giving me his neutral look, but his eyes had darkened.

 

“I mean, he is my neighbor. I can be cordial with my neighbors,” I tried, and he titled his head at me. I wasn’t going to back down just because he was having a jealous fit.

 

“And you don’t own me, Erik. I can go where I want.”

 

He continued looking at me and I began fidgeting. I think I preferred it when he’d argue.

 

“Besides, it’s boring when you’re gone. Especially when I can’t even have an actual conversation with you. Or when you’re ignoring me,” I said, and he frowned.

 

“Shit got busy,” he said simply.

 

It was my turn to cross my arms over my chest.

 

“Oh, that’s right. Well see, that’s why I didn’t want to bother you about Liam. I didn’t want to distract you from your important _secret_ work,” the sarcasm heavy in my voice.

 

His narrowed his eyes at me and tapped a finger against his bicep.

 

“Thought you was over this shit?” he grumbled, and I shrugged.

 

“I am. I’m just saying you can’t get mad because I’m hanging out with my friend,” I replied lightly.

 

“Friend? The nigga’s your friend now?” he asked dryly, “I leave for three weeks and yo’ ass out here making friends?”

 

I groaned. God, I forgotten how stubborn he could be.

 

“Erik, it’s _nothing_. Liam can be an ass sometimes, but he’s chill. I missed you and it was the only way I….”

 

I trailed off as I eyed him, noting how nicely his shirt clung to him, a warm feeling beginning to grow in my lower belly.

 

“Umm…I mean this was the longest you’ve been gone….” I tried again distractedly, watching the flex of muscles as he shifted.

 

Erik’s lips curved into a smirk, noticing my distraction.

 

“You got other shit you want to say?”

 

I pressed my lips together, not liking how the muscles in his arms flexed as he uncrossed his arms. He was doing it on purpose, I just knew it.

 

“I-I…” I cleared my throat. “I just want to make it clear that I am not guilty of anything and you’re overreacting.”

 

Instinctually, I backed up further onto the bed as Erik stalked towards me.

 

I yelped as he tugged me back towards him by my ankle.

 

“Oh, we’re clear, ma,” he murmured, and had to lean back and brace myself on my arms to look up at him as he stood between my legs.

 

“S-so are you still mad?” I asked hesitantly.

 

He didn’t respond, but dropped his hands to my shoulders, before sliding them down to unbuckle the straps of my overalls. He tugged them down and I lifted my hips, so he could slide them off of me.

 

There was a hunger in his eyes as he watched me tug off my shirt and unhook my bra.  

 

“Yeah, I’m still pissed.”

 

I blinked at him in confusion, wrapping my arms to cover myself from him.

  
“But…”

 

He tsked, before pushing me by shoulders to lay flat against the bed. His hands wrapped around my wrists to pull my arms away, his eyes resting on my heaving breasts.

 

He slowly slid his fingers down my arms, stroking softly across my skin and my nipples tightened in anticipation. His hands covered my breasts and gave a firm squeeze, and I groaned and arched my back, wrapping my hands loosely around his wrists.

 

“Ain’t mad at you, princess,” he said as his fingers stroked the sensitive underside of my breasts. I wiggled against the sensation and bit my lower lip. “But you ‘bout to make it up to me.”

 

I swallowed at the heated promise in his words.

 

Erik titled his head down to kiss me and I accepted it eagerly. His kiss was slow and deep, and I twisted my fingers in his shirt, becoming impatient.  His hands were still cupping my breasts, his thumbs teasing my nipples. He had settled between my legs and I wiggled against the strokes of his fingers. I could feel the hard line of him to know that this was affecting him more than he was showing. I tilted my head away and his lips dropped to my neck.

 

“Erik.”

  
I was whining again, and I didn’t even feel embarrassed about it. I had missed him, and I was horny.  His hands stroked down my sides to hook in my underwear. I lifted my hips eagerly and he tugged them off. To my growing annoyance, he merely resettled himself between my legs and continued kissing me.

  
I mean…I didn’t mind making out, but damn, I knew _he_ knew how turned on I was.

 

I let my head fall back against the bed in frustration. He chuckled at the look at my face.

 

“What’s wrong, princess?”

 

I glared at him and gave another insistent tug at his shirt. My desire had spread throughout the rest of my body, making me feel warm all over. It was unfair that I was completely naked and that wonderful body of his was still covered up. I tugged again.

 

“Off.”

  
He arched a brow at me and I pouted at him. I tried a different tactic.

 

“Please?” I asked, softly, stroking the underside of his wrists lightly. His lips twitched.

 

He nodded towards the head of my bed and I moved there instantly. He smirked at me again, amused at my quick compliance and began to undress. That was a show in and of itself. Erik’s movements were precise, and I watched the sensual display, my thighs pressing together.

 

“Nah, keep them legs open.”

 

My fingers tightened in the bedding and I just looked at him. He knew my hesitation around my body and seemed determined to push me past it. Erik leaned towards me, his voice dropping low.

 

“The fuck I just tell you? I wanna see all of you.”

 

I let out a breath and parted my legs. I had never thought I’d have a thing for dominance, but holy shit Erik’s commands did things to me.

 

Now as bare as I was, Erik moved over me, making me lean further into my pillows as he kissed me. I twitched as his hand slid lower, finding me wet and ready. He dipped his fingers inside, stroking along my inner walls, his fingers twisting as he found that spot that made my toes curl.

 

“N-not that I’m complaining,” I gasped, as his fingers thrust deeper, “but I don’t mind skipping foreplay.”

 

Despite my words, Erik continued his unhurried pace, the sound of my wetness making my face heat.

 

“What, you think you runnin’ shit now?” he asked lightly, before nipping lightly at my shoulder.

 

Ah. So we were going to go at Erik’s pace, not any faster or slower.

 

“You…”my words died as his thumb stroked my clit lightly and I struggled to finish my sentence. “You’re not being fair.”

 

He chuckled as his other hand reaching behind me to toss a pillow out the way, so I could lean back further into the bed. Erik leaned on his side next to me, his free hand turning me to face him and draw me into another deep kiss. My hands reached up to bury in his dreads, moaning as his tongue explored my mouth.

 

I arched my back as a third finger entered me, his thumb circling lightly around my clit. Small sparks of pleasure were tingling up and down my legs and my grip tightened in his hair. I had to pull my lips away to drag in much needed air and his lips dropped to place open-mouthed kisses along my neck.

 

“Oh,” I gasped when his kisses turned into light bites, marking me with his teeth before running his tongue soothingly over the abused flesh.

 

 

 It was slow building, but the addition of pain was allowing the pleasure to morph into that liquid wave. I rocked my hips into his moving hand, trying to increase the pace. My wetness was allowing his fingers to slid in and out of me easily and that wave was getting close to crashing.

 

Without warning, Erik drew his fingers away and I made of noise of protest. He ignored me, sliding his wet fingers into his mouth. He watched me through hooded eyes as he sucked his fingers slowly, tasting me. My pussy clenched, aching to be filled.

 

Erik shifted above me, pushing himself between legs and drawing my hips towards him. I lspread my legs for him and he grinned at me.

 

“Good girl,” he praised and lined himself up, the broad head of his dick parting the wet lips of my pussy.

 

He thrust in suddenly, not stopping until he had bottomed out inside me and my hands flew to grip the bedding underneath me.

 

“Erik!” I cried, my pussy clamping down around him. Ok, so maybe I was grateful he had taken his time with foreplay. I wasn’t a virgin anymore but sometimes I felt that every time with Erik was like I was getting stretched for the first time.

 

As I struggled to catch my breath, Erik lifted my legs and drew them over his shoulders. He leaned over me, the angle pushing himself deeper inside me.

 

I was still new enough at sex that I was still learning things about myself when it came to my desires and kinks. Sure, I had read enough erotica, watched enough porn, to have a basic idea of what turned me on. But every time with Erik was another lesson, another chance to discover something knew about myself and my body.

 

And as Erik braced himself on his forearms above me, his dark eyes holding mine as he set a rough pace, I was reminded how much I enjoyed the rough treatment.  I liked the feel of his muscles flexing under my hands as he thrust into me, a thin layer of tension letting me know that he had to hold back a part of his strength as he handled me. With our current position, each stroke was pushed deep inside me, hitting that spot that had my pussy spasming around him.

 

I tried to muffle my cries by covering my mouth, absently aware that the neighbors could hear if we were too loud. Erik’s hands wrapped around my wrists, pinning my hands above my head. It caused me to arch my back and I whimpered at the feel of his scars stroking along my breasts, the sensation making me bit my lip.

 

“Don’t hold that shit back, baby girl. I wanna fuckin’ hear you.”

 

“T-the…neighbors…” I protested, trying to tug my hands free.

 

“I don’t give a fuck about the neighbors,” he snapped, “lemme hear you.”

 

How could he be so articulate when I could barely form a sentence?

 

“Erik…I…” I cried out, my words cut off at a particularly deep thrust. My legs were shaking, and I could hear how wet I was. I glanced down to see him sliding in and out of me, my wetness coating his dick. The erotic sight made me moan.

 

“Got you creamin’ on this dick,” Erik muttered, his grip tightening on my wrists.

 

I couldn’t move easily in this position and could only take each hard thrust as he pressed his weight down against me. He was using the angle to stroke that pleasure spot inside me and it was driving me wild. I threw my head back, cries spilling from lips as I lost myself to the pleasure. 

 

The combination of his weight on top of me and the texture of his scars sliding against my skin was pushing me to my breaking point. The harsh slapping of flesh filled the room as he increased his pace and I could hear my headboard slamming into the wall.

 

So much for not making too much noise…

 

“Lemme see them eyes, princess.”   

 

I hadn’t realized my eyes had closed, too focused on my pleasure to pay attention to anything.  I opened them to meet his gaze and I suddenly felt like I was drowning in them. There was that emotion again in his dark brown eyes and I felt the intimacy of the moment as I gazed into them. If I tried naming what I was seeing, would it be adoration? Love?

 

Could I let myself believe that’s what I was seeing? 

 

 Even with these thoughts running through my head, I felt the coil inside me snap in my lower belly, my orgasm washing over me. Erik crushed his lips against mine, his kiss swallowing down my cries as my pussy throbbed around him, my release spilling out of me to coat his dick and the inside of my thighs. He’d released my hands and my nails scratched down his back and he groaned.  I trembled, as his hips continued to rock into mine, trying to prolong my release.

 

Finally, he pulled away and my legs dropped back against the bed. I lay panting, small aftershocks still making my body tremble slightly.

 

“Roll that ass over,” he said lowly, “been taking it easy on you, baby girl.”

 

I raised my brows at him, my chest still heaving. I was covered in a layer of sweat and as it cooled, goosebumps broke out along my skin. 

 

“That was takin it easy?” I asked, incredulous. Erik narrowed his eyes, but his lips twitched slightly.

 

“Roll. Over,” he growled. “I ain’t telling you again, Shae.”

 

I shivered, inwardly loving the bass in his voice and I weakly obeyed. He drew me to him by my hips and when I tried shifting my them down, he landed a firm slap on my ass. I yelped, wincing at the stinging sensation.

 

“Keep that ass up.”

 

I nodded, and his hands kneaded the curves of my ass, his fingers pressing down to massage the round flesh. His slipped his hand lower, his fingers dipping into the wetness of my pussy.

 

“Fucking dripping for me,” he groaned.

 

I wrapped my arms around a pillow and propped my chin on it, my eyes facing the headboard. I didn’t see Erik move behind me, but I felt the bed shift slightly.

 

I shuddered at the first press of his lips against my folds and spread my legs slightly. Erik dragged his tongue along my slit, his hands tilting my hips for better access. Satisfied with the position, he hooked his arms around my thighs and let his tongue continue stroking lightly against my folds, not quite pushing his tongue inside.

 

“Fuck,” I gasped, my grip on the pillow tightening as I closed my eyes. “E-Erik…”

 

He finally delved his tongue completely inside me and it stroked along my muscled walls, only retreating so he could nibble lightly along the swollen lips of my pussy. His fingers found my clit, stroking it in slow circles and I moaned, wiggling when he pressed down harder, his tongue still working inside me.

 

I tried rocking my hips, but his arms were like bands of steel around me. I wasn’t moving unless Erik wanted me to.

 

“Erik, please!”

 

He hummed, the vibrations stroking along my skin. He continued eating from me, fingers still stroking my clit. My heart was pounding, my stomach clenching as my release built in my lower belly. I was right on the edge again and I moaned as Erik pulled his fingers away to wrap his lips around my clit to suck. His tongue laved against the swollen bud and I screamed, my body shaking as I finally reached my peak.

 

He pulled away, his arms releasing me, and my hips dropped down. I was still whimpering, my mind reeling. Two orgasms in and I was already starting to feel worn out.

 

Erik snorted behind me.

 

“Damn, ma. I tired you out already?”

 

I titled my head to look at him weakly over my shoulder.

 

“Sorry, but I don’t have the stamina to keep up with you.”

 

He chuckled darkly, tugging me towards the end of the bed again and lifting my hips to line himself up to my entrance.

 

“You’ll be aight.”

 

He surged forward, and I let out a cry at the feel of him stretching me again.

 

 “Go ahead and throw that ass back,” he ordered, his hands dropping from my hips. I knew Erik loved the sight of my ass bouncing on his dick, a thought that sent a tremor through me. Normally, I was quick to embarrassment, more reserved against showing this side of myself. But Erik had a way of bringing it out of me.

 

I braced myself on my forearms, and rocked my hips back, my ass slapping against his thighs.

 

“Fuck, that’s it, baby girl,” he groaned, as I twirled my hips, “keep that shit up, you look good as fuck right now.”

 

I bit my lip and tilted my head to look at him.  I let my eyes roam his form greedily. Over the sheen on his brown skin, the scars, the flexing of muscle as he braced himself against me. A few dreads were plastered against his forehead, his tongue darting out to lick his full lips, as his predatory gaze swept over me.

 

“Erik, baby, I’m so close…” I whimpered, trying to keep my pace. It was getting harder, my head swimming as I tried to just focus on the feel of him inside me.

 

“Go ahead, princess, you got it.”

 

His eyes dropped down to where I was still rocking into him, his hands resting loosely on my hips, making no move to help me.

 

Fuck. He was going to make me work for it.

 

I turned my face forward again and closed my eyes and began rolling my hips to hit the right spot, keeping my death grip on my pillow. I kept my pace until I found my release, arching my back as I cried out, the pleasure washing over me.

 

I hadn’t completely recovered before Erik slammed into me, making me cry out in shock. His grip had tightened, hips snapping forward, as he started a rough pace again, pounding into my pussy.  

 

Breathless moans fell from my lips as tears began to well in my eyes, my back still arched for him. He had never been this rough before, never pushed me towards the point of almost pain, but I was beginning to realize that I was enjoying it. Even if it was becoming too much.

 

“Shit…Erik…wait….” I gasped, pressing my hand to his stomach, trying to get him to ease up.

 

He grabbed my wrist, pining my arm behind my back, the other hand pushing me down, my ass still in the air as he fucked me.  

 

“Don’t try that shit, Shae. Take this dick,” he growled. He hit that spot inside me and I screamed as I came.

 

Holy shit. How many times was that? Three or Four?  I was hitting a new record for one night and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to keep up.

 

But he didn’t stop, only groaning as I tightened around him. Erik wasn’t human. He couldn’t be, not with that type of self-control and stamina.

 

“I-it’s too much…” I wailed, try to pull myself away, tugging at the hand that gripped my arm. He yanked me back, causing him to push deeper into me.  

 

“C’mere. Don’t fucking run from me, Shae,” he growled. He grabbed my other arm, pinning both of them behind my back, effectively trapping me underneath him. 

 

My face was pressed into the bedding and all I could do was let out a sob as I came again, my body trembling. Oh my god, how could he keep going like this?

 

“I can do this shit all night, baby girl.”

 

Was he reading my mind? Had I said it out loud?

 

My stomach clenched, and I realized in shock that I was about to come again. Erik felt me clench around him and pressed deeper, his hips moving faster.

 

“Erik,” I whimpered as another small orgasm ripped through me, my body growing limp. “Please… please…”

 

I didn’t know what I was begging him for anymore. To stop? To keep going? Could I survive after this night?

 

“Whose pussy is this?”  he growled, his pace growing rougher, his strokes hitting deep inside me again. He was keeping me on the edge, seemingly knowing when it was too much for me to handle.

 

Why did he insist on asking me things when he knew probably only 10% of my brain was working right now?

 

I couldn’t answer; I was too busy trying to remember how to breathe. My body was nothing more than nerve endings and sensations.

 

My silence was rewarded with a sharp smack on my ass.

 

“Answer me, Shae,” he growled.

 

“Y-yours,” I gasped and received another hard smack. He leant forward, his weight pressing me into the bed. A hand wrapped around my throat, tilting my head back as he bit into my shoulder.

 

“Say. My. Fucking. Name.” he growled into my ear, each word punctuated by a powerful thrust.

 

“Erik,” I sobbed, “it’s yours, Erik.”

 

I could feel that he was close, his strokes becoming sloppier.

 

_Just cum. Please just cum._

 “Feel so fucking good,” he grunted, his grip on my neck tightening slightly, “bout to bust all in this pussy.”  

 

I could feel his dick twitch inside me, my walls fluttering in response. Oh fuck…I couldn’t possibly….

 

“Cum for me again, princess,” he groaned, “fuck, I can feel you. Just one more.”

 

I shook my head, too far gone for words.

 

“One more,” he repeated and pinched my clit. It was the sharp jolt of pain that made pushed me over and he buried himself deep inside as he came with me, his body going rigid.

 

“Fuuuck,” he snarled and pressed his face into my neck, gripping me tight. The pleasure was overwhelming as I felt him filling me, small spasms erupting across my body. He finally went limp, breathing heavily. After a moment, he rolled off me and I laid there, too spent to move.

 

I was so tired…too tired to keep my eyes open….

_____

 

I blinked slowly, my senses trying to catch up as I lifted my head from where it rested on a pillow. I was still naked but covered by my sheets. I tilted my head, blinking as my eyes focused on Erik who sat watching me, propped up against my headboard.

 

He titled his head as our eyes met.

 

“What happened?” I asked, wincing. My throat felt raw from all the screaming I had been doing in the past…what hour? Day?

 

“You blacked out,” he replied simply, seeming unrepentant. There was a smugness to his tone and I gaped at him in shock.

 

Was that a thing? How could that happen? I mean, I’d never blacked out during sex before. But then again, I had never seen this side of him either.

 

As I studied him, taking in the smug smirk and his relaxed posture, I was hit with a sudden realization.

 

“You…you did that on purpose,” I accused.

 

He shrugged, watching with amusement as I struggled to sit up.

 

“Oh my god,” I gasped, “you broke me! I can barely move.”

  
Erik laughed softly, making no move to help me as I finally pushed myself up into a sitting position.

 

“My bad,” he said, but that damn smirk was still on his face.

 

“I can’t believe you!” I said and pushed at his arm. “What made you go crazy like that?”

 

Erik stretched casually, the sheet rolling down to frame his hips. I stared at him, noting how the moonlight highlighted the richness of his brown skin as it shone through my bedroom window.

 

I clutched the sheets to my chest, as if to keep myself from reaching out to him.

 

He chuckled and the heat in his eyes made me bit my lip. “Tell me you didn’t like me tearing that pussy up.”

  
I opened my mouth and closed it, my face heating at his words.

 

“I…. you…”

 

He arched a brow as I struggled to form a sentence.  

 

Damn him. All of the times before had been tame compared to this. Erik had pushed my limits, testing how much I could take. And I’d loved every second of it. 

 

“You could have warned me,” I said lamely, and he chuckled, sliding down to settle in the bed. 

 

“What’s the fun in that?” he asked and quirked two fingers at me.

 

“C’mere.”

 

I stared at him, eyeing him as he lounged, looking enticing. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me?  The nigga had literally fucked me unconscious and I was seriously debating whether I could go another round.

 

His grin grew wider, watching as I worried my bottom lip lightly.

 

“Let me take care of you, baby girl,” he coaxed, his hand drawing up my arm. I let him tug me down towards him until I could rest my head against his chest. When his hands stroked a slow path down my back to cup my ass, I tensed.

 

“Erik…” I said softly. In all honesty, I was too tired, no matter how appealing he was.

 

“Relax, princess,” he murmured, “I know I wore yo’ ass out.”

 

I leaned my head back to study his face. He met my gaze evenly and I frowned.

 

“Seriously though. Where did that all come from?”

 

Sure, Erik tended to be enthusiastic on the first night home, but there had been something different about tonight. I couldn’t put my finger on it though…

 

“Are you jealous of Liam?”

 

He snorted, his hands still moving.  It was soothing and had me relaxing against him. 

 

“Nah. Don’t give a fuck about that nigga.”

 

“Sure,” I said dryly and poked a finger to his chest. “I’m sure that’s where all this male domination came from.”

 

He sucked his teeth, his hands stilling.

 

“You still complaining?”

 

“No,” I said, and a sudden thought occurred to me. “Did something happen on your trip?”

 

I watched as brief flicker of surprise flashed across his face, before his mask slid back into place. He didn’t answer though, and I titled my head, curious.

 

Interesting.

 

“Erik,” I teased, trying to stave off the wave of sleepiness that arose. “You’re hiding something,” I said in a sing song voice. Sleepiness was making me feel delirious.  

 

“Yeah?” he questioned, his lips quirking as I yawned.

 

I nodded, and another yawn broke past. I made a noise of frustration and Erik shook his head at me.

 

“Go to sleep, ma.”  
  
“Not sleepy,” I protested, reaching up a hand to cover a yawn. “It’s like…like you were worried or something.”

 

Erik simply looked at me. Hmm…

 

“Did I ever tell you how much I love your eyes?”

 

He raised a brow.

  
“It’s true,” I said slowly, “I can tell so much by looking at them. So brown and deep…”

 

My lids drooped slightly, but I kept his gaze.  

 

“I could get lost in them forever,” I insisted, and I felt him shake from quietly contained laughter.

 

What had I been talking about before?

 

Oh well.

 

The warmth of his body and the steady beat of his heart was lulling me into sleep and I wasn’t willing to fight it anymore.

 

“Erik, I really missed you,” I said, finally letting my eyes close.

 

He didn’t respond, but I felt him press a kiss to my forehead, his arms wrapped loosely around me. I had almost completely succumbed to slumber when I heard his words, as if they were coming from far away.

 

“Missed you too, princess.”

_____

 

“You and your man good?”

 

I glanced up from my mailbox to notice Liam stepping out of the elevator. It had been two days since I had been at his place and this was the first time I had seen him since then.

 

I gave him a mild look.

 

“Yeah. No thanks to you,” I said, planting my hands on my hips. I shook my head at him. “I told you he had a temper.”

 

“Sounded like ya’ll made up though.”

 

I blinked at his words, my face heating.

 

“I…what?”

 

Liam was casually rifling through his mail, not looking at me.

 

“I mean, I never expected you to be a screamer.”

  
I gaped at him, mortified.

 

 “Oh my God,” I groaned and covered my face in my hands. Liam laughed.

 

“Ay, I’ll see you later, Shae. And don’t worry, I’m sure no one will make a noise complaint.”

 

I shook my head, refusing to look at him as he left with another laugh.

 

Erik had known exactly what he was doing that night. I tried curbing my embarrassment as I made my way to my apartment, mentally lamenting about how possessive and stupid men could be.

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It seems like Shae can't catch a break.

** Chapter 16 **

Two weeks later found me sorting through my mail to find an envelope that bore the address of a local clinic that I had submitted a job application to. Excitedly, I tore into the envelope hoping for the best. They’d only send a letter if it was a job offer, right?

‘Miss Anderson, we regret to inform….’

I didn’t bother reading the rest of the letter, dropping it onto the table. That was the fourth one this month.

As if this day couldn’t get fucking worse.

After my shift at the library today, I had been informed that they couldn’t keep me on past this month. There were students who were applying for the job through work study and they had to give them priorities.

_“Trust me, Shae, if I could keep you, I definitely would,” Heather said. Heather liked me because I was quiet and didn’t cause her any trouble. “But we can only have so many people working, here you know?”_

_I kept my face blank as I nodded. Honestly, it was a miracle I had stayed on as long as I did._

_“I’d be more than happy to be a reference for you though,” she added._

_“Thanks, Heather. I appreciate it,” I said and gave her my best “this is totally fine” smile._

I numbly went through the motions of slipping into a pair of sweatpants and a shirt that said _Timey Wimey Wibbly Wobbly Stuff_.

It wasn’t the time to get discouraged. Sure, I was running out of options and Oakland was looking more like a distant dream than a doable reality, but I could come up with something.

_Don’t cry._

I popped a frozen dinner in the microwave and watched it absently as it cooked.

I had a bit of money in my savings. Nothing major but it would tide me over for the next two months. Didn’t matter that it was meant for moving costs.

If Erik hadn’t paid my rent…

I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask him for help. I knew he would, but I would not become dependent on him. I didn’t want to do that to him or myself.

_Don’t cry._

I settled in the couch with my meal, turning on Fairy Tail on Netflix. Erik didn’t care as much about this series, so I didn’t have to wait for him. I watched the show absently, eating my meal without really tasting it.

 _Don’t cry_.

The other job applications hadn’t worked out and if I was honest, I hadn’t really wanted to work at any of them anyway. I wasn’t too worried about getting comfortable and stuck in a job I didn’t want, the problem was that I just needed to _get_ the job.

_Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t…._

“Fuck,” I whispered. It started slow, the tears coming no matter how much I tried to keep them at bay. Intellectually, I knew that crying could be a form of stress release, a healthy way of releasing built up emotions.

I didn’t care. I hated crying. I hated how helpless I felt. How frustrating and unfair the world was.  I had spent the last years working my ass off in a degree that _apparently_ didn’t mean anything in the working field. I wanted to help people, to make a difference for those in this world who felt alone or scared. How could I help them when I barely knew what I was doing myself?

Maybe I was being dramatic or maybe it was justified. It didn’t matter. It’s how I felt and now that the dam broke, I couldn’t stop it.

I tugged off my glasses, wiping away the tears that blurred my vision. Curling into a ball, I wrapped the blanket on the couch around me, hugging myself, trying to calm myself by taking deep breaths.

_Calm down, just calm down._

I let out another cry and pressed my face into my knees. That’s the funny thing. Emotions didn’t care what techniques you knew or how practical or unpractical a feeling could be. Once you’re attached to that feeling, it won’t let go until you can move past it. And that shit was hard to do.

So, I stayed there, allowing the time to feel sorry for myself and just cried. It was the only thing I could do.

It wasn’t until I heard the front door open that I finally tried to compose myself, wiping my tears with my blanket. I kept my eyes on the screen when Erik turned the corner.

“Hey,” I said softly. I felt him settle next to me, his leg bumping into mine.

“Ay.”

I titled my head at him, still not turning fully to face him.

“What’s wrong?”

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on the television.

“Nothing.”

 _Just tell him, Shae_.

I pressed my lips together. My eyes felt red and puffy and I knew he could sense something was wrong.

Erik tipped my chin so that I was forced to look at him. He was frowning as his eyes swept across my face.

“You were crying.”

It wasn’t a question and I shrugged again.

“Why?”

I tugged my face free from his grip and turned back to the television.

“Nothing,” I repeated.

He sucked his teeth at me, irritated. 

“Why you lyin?”  

 I gave him a mild look.

“What? Is me not answering your questions annoying?”

Erik’s eyes narrowed.

That was a low blow. And it wasn’t fair to take my frustrations out on him, but I wasn’t feeling it today.

Besides, it was a fair question.

“See? Just do what I do when you don’t answer and get over it,” I said, and his jaw clenched.

“The fuck is your problem?”

He asked the question calmly, but there was an edge to his voice. I held his gaze for a moment, wondering if I was up for an argument. There was still a ball of worry that was sitting in my stomach that wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.

“Sorry. I just…I didn’t get the job.”

I turned my gaze back to the television.

“And the library is letting me go after this month.”

He let out a breath and shifted next to me.

“Shit. That’s why you’re upset?”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

“Yes, Erik. That’s why I’m upset. I need a job. To pay bills and save for…”

I trailed off, realizing this was another conversation I wasn’t sure I wanted to have. It shouldn’t be a big deal, but wouldn’t asking him to move with me take our relationship to another level? I mean…there were still so many things I didn’t know about him.

And yet, this was something I wanted to know. Might as well cap off this day with a very tense and possibly relationship changing conversation.  

I took a deep breath and turned to face him. He was wearing a neutral expression, his eyes studying me carefully.

“I’m thinking about moving to California.”

“Why?”

 “I want to work at the Wakandan Outreach Center in Oakland.”

A look shifted across his face, but he didn’t say anything. I took another deep breath. Breathing was a good way to keep calm and I was definitely trying to calm my building anxiety. Glancing down at my hands, I continued.

“I’m not asking you to move with me. I mean, you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

His fingers began drumming a rhythm from where they rested on the back of the couch.

“Whatchu sayin’?”

 

I glanced at his face and answered quickly.

 

“Nothing! Not…. this isn’t a ‘let’s break up’ speech or anything…”  


“Then what is it?” he interrupted, and I glared at him.

 

“Let me finish, ok? Please?”

 

He could see how serious I was and made a motion for me to continue.

 

“Look, all I’m saying is that I l…like being with you….”

That was almost a dangerous slip. I hadn’t told him I loved him yet. I wasn’t sure if I was brave enough to.

“But I know there’s a lot about you I don’t know. And if you moved with me…”

He titled his head at me and I gave him a pointed look. He kept his mouth shut.

“If you moved with me…there’s a lot of things we’d have to think about. It’d be harder and…”

I twisted the blanket between my fingers. I could already feel the implications of this conversation and I was starting to regret it. But it had to happen.

“If you can’t be more honest with me, about a lot of things, then what’s the point?”  

I glanced at him and he simply continued looking at me. I rolled my eyes.

“I’m done,” I muttered. He could be such an ass sometimes…

““I’ve got a place in Oakland.”

The comment had my eyes widening as I stared at him. He met my gaze evenly, his fingers still tapping that rhythm on the couch. I dropped my blanket to look at him more fully.

“What did you just say?”

He cocked a brow at me.

“You heard me.”

I clenched my fists.

“Erik, I’ve had a really shitty day. I’m not in a mood to deal with your bullshit.”

Erik leaned toward me, his eyes dark as he glared at me.

“Watch yo’ mouth, ma.”

I rose, my hands clenched at my sides. I gave him a furious look and stormed towards my bedroom.

Anger I could do. Anger kept me going, gave me the energy to push past things. It wouldn’t last, but I suddenly didn’t care about having a difficult conversation with him.

“Always on some nigga bullshit…” I muttered under my breath.

“Didn’t catch that,” a growl said behind me and I whirled. I hadn’t made it to my bedroom yet and Erik had followed me into the hallway.

We stared each other down, neither one giving an inch. I could feel the stress of the last few weeks bubbling to the surface. And although I was happy with my relationship, there was so much that I still wanted from him that he wasn’t giving me.

“What are you afraid of?”

The question was sudden, and he blinked at me, his hands sliding in his pockets.

“Ain’t afraid of shit, ma,” he replied. I shook my head at him.

“Yes, you are. That’s why you won’t let me in,” I paused, studying him. “Was the only reason you told me about Oakland was to distract me? Hope it’ll make me happy enough to back off or forget?”

The anger was still there, but it wasn’t as hot. It wasn’t going to carry me through this, so I had to focus on something else to get me through.

“You have to give me more to work with Erik, or this won’t work. Communication has to be two way and if it’s too hard for you….”

“Don’t try that shit with me, Shae.”

I frowned at him, confused.

“What are you talking about?”

He leaned against the wall, his eyes darkening as he studied me. I could still see the anger, but his expression had closed off.

“I ain’t one of your patients.”

I stared at him, my heart racing, my mouth dropping open in shock.

“I would never…”

“I ain’t someone you can fix, ma,” he continued.

“I never said I was trying to fix you!”

He straightened to stalk towards me and I held my ground, titling my head to meet his furious gaze when he stopped in front of me.

“You always askin’ me shit, riding me about things that got nothing to do with you. Trying to get me to open up…”

“That’s normal! I’m your girlfriend, of course I want to know more about you and your past!”

“And I’ve done told yo’ ass that I don’t wanna talk about that shit,” he snapped.  

“But you have to if you want to….”

I froze as I realized what I was about to say. He gave me a look and I finally took a step back.

“If I want to what, Shae? Go ahead and finish what you were saying,” Erik said in a low voice.  
I could feel the tears forming in my eyes again as I turned away from him. I was going to say, “if you want to get better.”

I stared at the wall, my mind reeling from the realization that, even if I hadn’t meant it, Erik was right. A part of me had looked at him as someone who I could help, could make better, if only he’d just open up to me. Fuck.

“You’re not…you’re not some experiment to me,” I said softly, not bothering to wipe away the tears as they came. “I don’t think of you that way.”

“But you think there’s something wrong with me.” Another statement, his voice still even as he said it.

I shook my head as I finally turned to look at him. “I don’t, Erik. I don’t want to fix you.”

Could it be possible to lie and tell the truth at the same time? I knew there were wounds in Erik’s heart, wounds that a part of me had hoped I could help him heal.

Erik simply watched me, his expression blank.

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” I whispered. “I-I just… I know you’re hurting and I wanted to be there for you. Be what you needed. In the only way I knew how… But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.” 

I brought my hands to my face, wiping the tears away and rubbing the heels of my hands into my eyes in hopes of staving off more from coming. I had left my glasses on the table and was slightly relieved—they would’ve been smudged by now.  It was the second time I had a meltdown today. It made sense though—I tended to have one at least every few months. Compartmentalization was only a short-term fix.

“I just want you to be happy, Erik.” My voice broke as I said the words and he sighed.

“Quit cryin’, Shae.”

I stepped towards him and buried my face in his shirt.

“C-can’t help it,” I whimpered.  

“Shit, yo’ ass goes to a hundred quick,” he muttered, but he wrapped his arms around me. I clung to him, trying to use his calm to steady myself and regain my composure. In the back of my head, I had an absent thought that I was going to sleep well tonight with all the crying I had done today.

“You done?”

I nodded, and he titled me back to study my face. I blinked up at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

I hesitated. I was sorry that a part of me had tried to push him when I knew better. I was sorry that I let my own insecurities control me. I was sorry for the times when I tried analyzing him, trying to use my skills to piece him apart in my head, even though I knew Erik hated that. More than anything, I was sorry I was asking him to trust me when there were still parts of me that didn’t completely trust him.

“For everything.”

He gazed down at me for a moment before shaking his head. He didn’t answer, but the look in his eyes told me that his anger had morphed to something else. I knew Erik didn’t like seeing me cry, but I hadn’t done it to end the argument. I was sensitive today, all of the stresses I had been locking away spilling out.

And I knew we were reaching that halfway point in our relationship, the one were couples reevaluated where they were and whether they could still see a future together.

Yep, this was going on the records as one the shittiest days I’d had in a long time.

_____

“I still want you to try and trust me.”

It was selfish, but I didn’t think it was all on me to try to do better. So maybe I had my own selfish reasons for having him open up, but it didn’t outweigh my desire to be with someone who was willing to let himself just…be open with me.

Erik glanced at me, his face unreadable.

We had returned to the couch and I had wrapped myself in my blanket again. I was still feeling raw from earlier and the softness of it was comforting.

“I mean, you don’t have to tell me everything. But I just hope you can come to me when things are bothering you.”

He arched a brow and I continued quickly, “If you want to vent, you know? I’m not trying to diagnose you or something. I just … Dammit, that’s not what I was trying to say...”

Why was this suddenly so hard? It was a conversation we’d had before. But now, knowing my own shortcomings and how Erik was perceiving these attempts, I was scrambling on a way to articulate that I wanted more from our relationship and not because I wanted to…

“C’mere,” Erik said, beckoning me towards him.  

I obliged, settling into his lap, my legs laid out and my back resting against the arm of the couch. He gave me an amused look when I slid the blanket around him, cocooning us together. It’d get too warm eventually, but it was comfy for now.

“Relax, baby girl. I know you gonna keep ridin’ me on shit.” 

I blinked at him.

“But you think I try to analyze you?”

“You do.”

“I don’t mean to. Not like that.”

I tugged at his shirt, letting my fingers dip to stroke along his skin underneath. Tactile sensations were a comfort to me, and let my fingers trace the scars of his stomach.  

“I just worry about you. And ok…maybe I tried to use some of my techniques on you… but I didn’t mean it in the way you think.”

My fingers continued stroking a few scars absently and I furrowed my brows in thought.

“But you don’t talk to me. Not all the time. And that’s all I want, Erik. I won’t even counsel you or anything. I just want to know everything about you that I can.”

I was making small circles on his stomach and he shifted, his own hand starting a similar pattern on the small of my back. Was it normal for couples to like touching each other so much? I didn’t really have a good frame of reference.

“Like how your real name is N’Jadaka.” He twitched, and I glanced up into his face. “Is it ok for me to call you that?”

Erik stared at me for a moment, before letting out a breath slowly.

“Yeah.”

“Which would you prefer?”

“Call me whatever you want, princess.”

I smiled at him, pleased that he used the nickname.

“So, you’re not mad at me anymore?”

“Never said I was.”

I gave him a look, before continuing.

“I just…I want you to be to the point where you trust me enough to…”

“Never said I didn’t trust you, ma.”

I groaned and dropped my head against his chest and I could feel it shake with his laughter.

“Erik, I’m serious.”

He grew still, his arms tightening around me and we lapsed into a comfortable lull, Fairy Tail still playing in the background. Huh. I hadn’t realized I’d left it playing. I had no idea what was happening now.

“So, about that place in Oakland….” I hedged slowly, and Erik tilted his head at me.

“What about it?”

I pursed my lips and shrugged.

“Just wondering things like, how long have you had it or how big is it?”

His lips twitched.

“Is it for your second family?”

He gave me a look and I sat up, grinning.

“Oh! Is that why you’re so closed off?”

I made a mock gasp as I swatted his chest.

“You’re actually married and have a whole other family in Oakland.”

Erik studied me, his gaze serious and I felt a moment of panic.

“Please don’t tell me I’m a side chick.”

He laughed. A real, genuine laugh that showed his dimples. It had him leaning over me, his arms holding me as I eyed him.

“Yo, I can’t with you sometimes.”

I huffed.

“That wasn’t a no, Erik.”

He finally leaned back, and I watched through narrowed eyes as he wiped a few tears that had slipped free.

“It wasn’t that funny,” I muttered, and he grinned at me.

“Nah, that was funny as fuck. Baby girl, what would make you think _you’d_ be the side bitch?”

“I said ‘chick’ and it is suspicious you have a place in a whole other state and didn’t tell me.”

I paused and crossed my arms.

“And wait, are you saying you do have a side chick?”

Erik shook his head at me, still snickering slightly.

“Just you, ma.”

I huffed again. I couldn’t be too mad. I was the one who had started joking around. But still….

“Always riddles, with you, huh? Anyway, it’s great you have a place out there, but I still haven’t applied to the Outreach Center yet. And given how everything’s going…”

I sighed and slumped against him.

“I’ll probably won’t get hired there either.”

“Since when you give up like that?”

I shrugged.

“Sometimes, things aren’t just meant to be,” I sighed and traced my fingers along the curve of his wrist, feeling comfort in touching him again.

“I can come up with a plan b or something,” I added thoughtfully.

Erik didn’t reply, and I let my gaze drift to the television, trying to see if I could piece together why there was suddenly two Natsus and Lucys. Maybe an alternate universe story?

“Fuck.”

The muttered word had me glancing up to Erik’s face. He had closed his eyes and was rubbing a hand across his brow.

“What’s wrong?”

He let out a sigh and looked at me.

“I can...Shit. Look, you can get that job.”

I shifted to look at him more fully.

“What are you talking about?”

Erik was tapping that rhythm again, his arm raised to drape across the couch. He only did that when he was thinking hard about something.

“I know the nigga who runs it.”

I stared at him, struggling to comprehend what he was saying.

“Erik, the King of Wakanda runs the Outreach Center. Well technically he does….”

“I know.”

I opened my mouth and closed it, trying to organize my thoughts. Try with simple questions.

“How do you know the King of Wakanda?”

Erik shrugged.

“Nigga’s my cousin.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Man....Why is it harder to write the chapter summary than it is the chapter? Anyway, next shift in the relationship.

** Chapter 17  **

Have you ever heard something so outlandish that a part of you automatically assumes its true? It’s the feeling that someone couldn’t possibly make up such a story, and therefore the absurdity of it must mean that it _has_ to be true. It’s not a logical way of discerning truth, but people do it all the time.

 

And it was that feeling that had me staring at Erik, my eyes searching his face, trying to comprehend what he had just told me.

 

His dark brown eyes met my gaze unwaveringly and I had to blink slowly as I pressed a finger between my brows to stave off a growing headache.

 

“The King of Wakanda is your cousin.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“King T’challa, ruling sovereign of the African nation of Wakanda is your cousin,” I repeated, emphasizing each word carefully.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“So, you’re telling me that you are related by royal blood to the King of…”  


“Say the shit as many times as you’d like, ma. You heard me the first time,” he said, with just a hint of irritation in his voice.

 

I hopped off his lap and began pacing the room. Erik watched me, seemingly unbothered by my frantic movements. His fingers had stopped drumming that rhythm and his stillness made me worried.

  
“Are you lying to me?”

 

His eyes narrowed.

 

“The fuck I’d lie for?”

 

I pressed my lips together and continued pacing. He wouldn’t lie. Not about this. I mean, if he did lie, this was the stupidest thing to lie about. That he was related to a royal family? There would be so many better lies. Hell, I’d believe he had a second family and I was his mistress, before I believed this. But shit…there was just so many pieces of our conversations; tidbits he told me that this seemed to make sense now.

 

The family “shit” he had to deal with in Africa. His African name and the father whose country he wouldn’t talk to me about. The business trips where he’d be gone for so long….

 

“Oh my god!”

 

Erik sighed, easily picking up on my mounting panic.

 

“Chill out, Shae.”

 

“Oh my god!” I repeated louder and made a frantic movement with my hands. My coping mechanism of fiddling with my hands wasn’t going to work as I had nothing to hold on to.

 

“I knew it! I knew you were hiding something. You always made it sound like it wasn’t a big deal,” I said.

 

Erik got off the couch with a roll of his eyes and I followed behind, still babbling to myself. He was royalty. Oh god, my already gorgeous, genius boyfriend was royalty….

 

“Holy shit, that’s why you have all that money isn’t it?”

 

“Inheritance,” he said absently as he surveyed my fridge. “Shit, why ain’t there nothing good in here?”

 

“I was running low on grocery money until my check hits next week,” I said. Why was he so calm about this?

 

Erik frowned at me, closing the fridge with a shake of his head.

 

“Could have said something, ma,” he said, and I gaped at him.

 

I could have told him? He was riding me for not telling _his_ ass something?

 

He quirked a brow and tilted his head at me, watching my outrage mount. And this nigga knew what he was doing.

 

I made a small, strangled noise, almost like a squeak.

 

“You’re making that noise again,” he told me mildly. It was the noise I made whenever I was either so pissed or so overwhelmed that I was incapable of forming a coherent sentence.

 

“You….you are…” I couldn’t come up with the proper words to convey what I was feeling right now.

 

Erik leaned against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched me struggle through my thoughts. There was a hint of amusement in his face and I made the noise again.

 

He was testing my patience, knowing that I wouldn’t take this news from him lightly. I tried thinking back to the many articles I’d read on Wakanda, trying to see if I had spotted his name or a picture of him. No, I had only seen King T’challa mentioned or Princess Shuri, the King’s younger sister. My research had been limited to their outreach centers and I lamented that I hadn’t expanded my search.

 

“They don’t talk about you in the news,” I said, “or any of the articles I’ve read about on their international meetings.” 

 

“I don’t diplomatic shit. Not publicly,” he said with a shrug.

 

_Not publicly? What did that mean? What does he really do?_

 

All these thoughts were rolling around in my mind as I stared at him.

 

And then a sudden strange thought entered my mind.

 

Why would he, a prince of Wakanda, waste his time with me? He’d spent this whole time keeping his true identity from me. Had this been why? Was I a phase? Some fling he could have before he had to marry some beautiful African princess?

 

Erik frowned at me, as if he were guessing the thoughts filtering through my mind.

 

Well…shit. No wonder he’d been so closed off. There’s no way he could settle with someone like me, so what would have been the point? I was an American, an outsider, who barely had her shit together.

Sure, I liked to stay positive and I was proud of my achievements, but I was way out of my league with Erik. And I had been thinking that before I’d even known he was a prince.

 

“Knock it off, Shae,” Erik said, and I blinked at him. “Whatever stupid shit you thinkin’, let it go.”

 

I couldn’t do that. He had to know I couldn’t. Once my mind started it was hard to let go.

 

Erik was a Prince. My strong, wild, fierce boyfriend was a prince.

 

“Oh god,” I groaned and paced quickly into the living room and moved down the hall towards my bedroom.

 

And he had been putting up with me and my nonsense for…what? Almost two years?

I thought back to the first night I’d met him, to the day he’d disappeared and when he’d come back.

 

Why? If he was a prince and from a place like Wakanda no less, why would he come back? He _had_ to know this wasn’t going to go anywhere. He had to know he was wasting his time with me. Or hell, have wasted his time with another girl….

 

_Irrational. There’s no need to jump to conclusions._

 

“Shae.”

 

I jumped, not realizing Erik had followed behind me. I looked up into his face and he shook his head at me.

 

“I told you….” he started, but I cut him off.

 

“What do you want from me?” I asked softly, and he frowned. 

  
“I mean, what is this? What’s the point of all this?”

 

I motioned to the space between us and Erik furrowed his brows.

 

“The fuck you talkin’ about?”

 

I shook my head and took a deep breath.

 

“Erik, baby, you have to know this won’t work,” I told him, and he grew still, his gaze searching my face.

 

“I mean…. I’m not…. I am nowhere near what you need.”

 

Erik pinched his fingers to the bridge of his nose and let out a breath.

 

“Shae, I’mma ask you again. What the fuck are you talking about?” he said the words as if he was trying to control his temper.

 

I shifted from foot to foot, feeling restless as I looked at him.

 

“You’re a prince, Erik. I mean, you were amazing and out of my league before I knew that, but you being a prince…that changes everything. I mean, at the very best I was hoping I had a few years before you get bored, but now….”

 

I shook my head and looked at him firmly.

 

“No, you need to find a woman who can be what you need. A woman who’d you be proud of and is poised and stylish and….”

 

Erik titled his head towards the ceiling, as if praying for patience.

 

“Someone’s who’s good enough for you…” the words had him looking at me and he blinked.

 

“Good enough for me?” he said the words softly, as if he couldn’t quite believe that I said them.

 

I nodded, even as I felt the prick of tears in my eyes. Goddamn it, how many times was I going to cry today?

 

I turned away from him to rummage through my closet until I found my suitcase, ignoring the tears that had begun streaming down my face. I wiped them with the back of my sleeve and threw the suitcase on the bed.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

I didn’t look at him as I began rummaging through my drawers.

 

“What does it look like?”

  
His eyes narrowed as he watched me tossing clothes into my suitcase. He crossed his arms and leaned against the doorway.

 

“You going somewhere?”

 

“Now who’s asking silly questions?” I asked lightly, and he kissed his teeth, rubbing a hand across his jaw.

 

“You know, girl, sometimes I _really_ can’t with you,” he muttered as he watched me. “Why you always be doin’ too much?”

 

I sniffled.

 

“You’re the extra one, Erik,” I said and gave another sniffle,” besides, it won’t matter anyway….”

 

“Chill the fuck out, Shae. You’re not going anywhere.”

 

I glanced at him and took a deep breath.

 

“Yes, I am, I’m going to visit with Alisha for a few days.”

 

“With whose car?”

 

I winced. Dammit. I was definitely going to have to get a car.

 

“I’ll take an Uber,” I said, proud at the calmness of my voice. “We need some space, and you need time to think about things.”

 

He glared at me.   

 

“Stop doing that, Shae,” he growled. “I told you I ain’t one of your patients.”

 

I hesitated, before turning to slowly add another pair of sleep shorts to my suitcase. Shit, I had used my professional voice on him and he’d picked up on it.

 

“You’re right,” I said and turned to face him fully. “So, I’ll be honest for a moment. I know who I am and who I’ll likely always be.  I’m awkward and shy and I don’t like confrontation.”

 

Erik didn’t answer, simply looked at me, his arms still crossed over his chest.  

 

As I studied him in his black t-shirt and jeans, I was reminded of how gorgeous he was. From his dreads, to the rich brown of his skin covered by those mysterious scars and the gold of his canines. I loved his eyes, his hands that could grip me tight or stroke me softly. I loved the sound of his deep voice, the sound of his laughter, the dimples that showed when he gave me a genuine smile. I loved how I felt protected when he wrapped me in his strong arms. I loved how it felt when he moved inside me, the weight of his body on top of mine, selflessly bringing me pleasure before seeking his own.

 

And I could see the bright, intelligent and amazing man that was hidden beneath the scars of his heart. I could see past the hate and pain and anger to know that there was more to him, more under the surface. I had seen glimpses of it in my times with him.

 

“And I _see_ you, Erik. I see who you are, even when you don’t want to see it for yourself.”

 

His jaw clenched, and I stepped forward to place a hand on his chest.

 

“I don’t know everything about you and I know I probably never will. But you are more than the world has told you, more than you even try to convince yourself of who you are.”

 

I gave him a weak smile, feeling his heart beat against my palm.

 

“You are N’Jadaka, but your also Erik Stevens,” I said softly. “I know you struggle with that, trying to understand what that means for you.”

 

His dark brown eyes were gazing at me and I saw a hint of wonder enter them. I felt a bit of hope that my words were getting to him, showing him how futile our relationship was. I could be selfish and let things be, but I couldn’t do that to him. He’d been through too much….and staying with me wouldn’t give him the life he deserved. I wasn’t anyone special…not like Erik.

 

“And that means you need to move past me. I’m holding you back and I can’t do that to you because I love you….”  

 

He tensed, his arms dropping as he gazed down at me.

 

“But you have to be with someone who can help you grow and become everything I know you can be.…”

 

“Shut the fuck up, Shae.”

 

I gave him a startled look, watching as he closed his eyes to take a deep breath. When he opened them, I stepped back at the look in his eyes.

 

“Say that again,” he commanded, stepping towards me.

 

I furrowed my brows in confusion.

 

“I said that you need to be with someone…” I started but he shook his head.

 

“Not that shit. What you said before…”

 

I stared at him confusion, trying to reel back the last few seconds in my mind.

 

He let out an exasperated sigh.

 

“You said you love me.”

 

I froze, staring up at him in shock.

 

“N-no…I said…”

 

I didn’t see him move. One second, I was standing, and the next Erik was on me, lifting me and carrying me to the bed.

 

“Erik!”

 

He didn’t answer but tossed me onto the bed where I landed with a light bounce. I barely had time to recover before he was on top of me, his hands pinning my wrists to the mattress.  

 

“Say it again.”

  
I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to block out the look on his face. I wasn’t going to say it again. I couldn’t.

 

“Shae, say it again.”

 

It was the hint of desperation in his words that had me opening my eyes to meet his gaze. He was braced above me, his dark eyes locking with mine.

 

That emotion was there in his eyes again. The one that I told myself couldn’t be for me.

 

“Shae,” he said softly,” princess, I need you to say it again.”

 

I had never heard Erik sound like that before. He pressed his forehead against mine, his lips brushing lightly against mine.

 

“I love you,” I said, and he groaned before crushing his lips to mine.

 

_No going back now, Shae._

 

No, I thought, as I returned Erik’s kiss, my fingers tangling in his hair, I couldn’t go back now.

  
I was in love with Erik Stevens aka Prince N’Jadaka and all that came with it. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it's the simplest moments you'll remember the most

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning!

** Chapter 18 **

            Some people would say that sex is sex, and that there really isn’t a difference between fucking and making love. But as I clung to Erik, my legs wrapped tightly around his waist as he rolled his hips, I knew that there was a very distinct difference.

His strokes were slow and deep, and I arched my back, trying to bring him closer to me, my arms wrapped around his broad shoulders.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” he groaned and buried his face in my neck. His hands slid down to cup my ass, tilting my hips to change his angle.  

“Erik!” I cried, my grip tightening as he thrust deeper, my legs shaking around his waist. “Yes…right there…”

“Say it again, baby girl,” he murmured in my ear. “Lemme hear you say it again.”

“I love you, Erik,” I said, dragging my hands down his broad back. He rewarded me with another deep thrust, hitting that sweet spot inside me that had me clenching around him with a cry. He held me as I came back into myself, gasping lightly.

Erik cupped my face, leaning down to give me a sweet kiss. I sighed into his mouth, my fingers reaching up to cup the back of his head. He finally pulled away and wrapped his arms around me, rolling so that I was on top. I slid my arms around his neck and dropped my lips to his for another kiss. He was still hard inside me and his hands began a calm stroking against my skin, starting from my upper back, down my waist and finally resting on the curves of my ass.

It was these moment that made the difference. The slow and sensual moments, when we were mapping each other’s bodies, as if trying to commit them to memory. I loved the feel of Erik’s body, the warmth and strength that I could feel when my fingers skimmed down his shoulders, his chest, across his stomach. I took the time to ensure that I mapped his scars with my hands, feeling the softness of the skin, pressing my lips to the ones I could reach. I still didn’t know his reason for inflicting them, but I accepted that they were a part of him and I wanted him to know that.

As I continued my exploration, Erik’s hips began to rock up into me and I moaned softly. His strokes were slow but deep and I buried my face in his neck as pleasure sparked along my skin.

“Still thinkin’ that stupid shit?”

I bit my lip and didn’t answer. He tsked and I received a firm smack on the ass that made me tighten around him.

“Thinkin’ you gonna leave me on that bullshit?” he grunted, his arms tightening around my waist to hold me steady. “Always thinkin’ you know what I want….”

I couldn’t answer, to wrapped up in the pleasure, my fingers digging in his shoulders and I moaned into his neck.

“Got no fuckin’ idea,” he groaned, as his pace increased, “how much I love you, princess.”

A jolt of shock ran through me.  

 _Had he said…did I hear right_?

“Erik, baby… did you…” I couldn’t form the words, my mind becoming muddled as the pleasure overtook me.

 _Sneaky bastard_.

His hand stroked down between us, the fingers rolling lightly against my clit and I cried out, my back arching again. He bit down on my neck and it was just what I needed to go over the edge, my body shaking as I came.

Erik withdrew his hand to settle them on my waist again, renewing his efforts as he sought his own release. I tilted my head to capture his lips and he groaned, his fingers kneading my upper ass lightly. I rocked my hips to meet his movements, the tension in his muscles telling me he was close.

“Cum for me, Erik,” I murmured before placing a light kiss behind his ear. “I want you to cum inside me, please…”

“Fuck,” he hissed, tilting his head back so I could trace my tongue down his throat. I squeezed my walls around him, clenching tight and he came with a harsh shout, his body going rigid underneath me. I could feel his dick twitching inside me, hot streams filling my pussy before I felt it leak out along my thighs. He was breathing heavily, his chest rising and falling rapidly, body slowly relaxing beneath me.

I cupped his face, turning him so I could gaze into his eyes.

“Say what you said before,” I demanded, watching as amusement flickered in his eyes.

“Which part?” he asked teasingly, and I narrowed my eyes. It’s funny how quickly our roles were reversed now.

“Erik,” I said warningly and watched as his full lips curved up into the smirk I loved.

“I love you, princess,” he murmured, and I smiled at him brightly.

“Oh, Erik,” I whispered and pressed my lips against his in a quick kiss. “Please say it again.”

He chuckled, stroking his hands lazily down my back.

“I love you, Shae.”

I crushed my lips against his, clinging to him as I kissed him deeply.

It was silly how such simple words could feel people with such joy. Maybe it was because deep down, that’s all anyone wants to hear.

 _I love you_.

I don’t think I’d ever be happier than the moment I first heard those words come from Erik.

Finally, I pulled away and slipped off him to settle on my side so that I could watch him. The room had that warm orange glow that let me know the sun was setting. I hadn’t realized how late it was.

“You only came once.”

Erik tilted his head to look at me.

“So?”

I stroked a finger down his arm and shrugged.

“I don’t know. I guess I kind of feel bad.”

My fingers drifted to his hip, letting my fingers stroke across the smooth skin there. Erik had a surprisingly short refractory period. If he wanted to….

  
Erik rolled his eyes.

 

“What I tell you about worrying about shit like that?”  


“I’m not…”

 

He tugged me towards him, cutting my words off with an abrupt kiss.  He rubbed his fingers down my sides and I wiggled. It was another ticklish spot for me. 

 

“I’m good,” he said and dropped a kiss to my shoulder.

 

“It’s just…you’re so thorough…”

 

I gasped as he nipped my shoulder, my fingers tangling in his hair. At this rate….

 

To my surprise, it was Erik who pulled away first, sliding out of bed. I watched him curiously.

 

“What are you doing?” I asked, letting my eyes roam appreciatively down his backside.

 

“Shower,” he answered simply and glanced back at me. “You comin’?”

 

I shook my head.

 

“No, because you’ll get distracted and there’s still things we need to talk about tonight.”

 

Erik rolled his eyes.

 

“Damn ma, you persistent,” he muttered, and I stuck my tongue out at him. It was childish, but I was still feeling giddy.

 

 _I love you_.

 

I couldn’t help the smile that grew on my face as I gazed at him and he shook his head in amusement before going into the bathroom.

 

I flopped back against the bed, staring up at the ceiling. I heard the shower running and for a brief second, contemplated joining him.

 

I felt the ache between my legs and sighed.

 

 Erik may be one some supernatural shit with that stamina of his, but I was going to need time to recover. 

_________

“My pops always told me stories about Wakanda when I was little.”

My eyes met Erik’s as he said the words, my fingers continuing to stroke gently down his chest to his stomach. He laid flat on his back and caught my wrist gently when I repeated the motion. He tugged until I shifted to drape myself halfway across him, one of my legs settling between his own, my head pressed to his chest.

He wore just a pair of black sweatpants, his arms draped loosely around my waist. I had dressed in my nightgown, freshly clean from my shower and my hair wrapped for the night.

I had had to clean the bedsheets, a habit that I had developed whenever we had sex in my bed. We had a tendency to get messy and I didn’t feel like waiting until the morning to do it.

I had put away my suitcase with a bit of wry humor. Erik hadn’t been wrong when he said I could go to a hundred quick. It was a quirk of mine that I’d never grown out of, no matter how much I thought I’d learned about irrational behavior.

“At first, I thought they was just stories. Shit you’d say to keep a kid distracted from how fucked up life was,” he continued, his deep voice pulling me from my thoughts.  

He was lightly stroking along my hip, fingers absently tugging up my nightgown, so he could reach the skin of my belly. I shifted, letting him get more access. I wasn’t the only one who found comfort in touching. It felt nice and I let my hand drop to stroke along his arm.

“After he died, I figured out where he’d hidden his things and found his journal. That’s when I knew they weren’t just stories.”

His lips twitched into a sardonic smile.

“Not that anyone I told believed me,” he said dryly. He was lost in his memories as he gazed at the ceiling, his fingers still moving along my skin.

“I couldn’t let the shit go though. And once I figured out it was my uncle who killed him….”

I tried really _really_ hard not to tense at his words, not wanting to distract him from story. He paused, and I waited with bated breath, nervous that he’d noticed my stillness.

He simply sighed and continued, and I relaxed, relieved.

Until Erik began telling me about his life. As I listened, I felt tears well in my eyes, my heart aching at every detail I learned.

The injustice of losing his father, taken by someone in his own family and the mother who had died in jail. The hardships of growing up in the system, of being surrounded by people who didn’t know his true heritage and thought of him as less. Living with the knowledge that he knew the truth about Wakanda and its resources. How he’d watch the world and its injustice, the oppression of our people and the loss and death that he knew that he could prevent if he could just make it to Wakanda and take his rightful place. He had used his rage and pain and morphed it into an unshakeable drive that had pushed him through his schooling and military training.  

“I had my plan. Knew what I was going to do, was on track,” he murmured before meeting my gaze again. He shook his head at me, a half smile on his lips.

 

“You almost ruined it.”

  
I had heard him say that before, a long time ago. Even with the extra details, I was still confused.

  
“How?”

  
It was the first word I’d spoken since he had started.

 

Erik looked at me, his eyes skimming my face, his expression unreadable.

 

“Didn’t like many people before I met you, ma. People are predictable and niggas gotta look out for themselves. Don’t matter how nice you think you are, you gotta be selfish in this world, or the world will take shit from you.”

 

He snorted, and rubbed a hand through his beard, eyes drifting upwards again.

 

“And you…shit, even when I told you what I wanted, you kept trying to be my friend. Kept trying to get me to open up. And the way you looked at me…” he let out a breath and dropped his hand, resting it lightly along my upper thigh.

 

“You kept looking at me…. like you thought I could do anything. Like you cared about me, even when you didn’t _know_ me.  Saying that hope bullshit and trying to convince me that the world could be better.”

  
He shook his head at the memory.

 

“And I’d watch you. Trying to understand people; trying to believe in people. Even when you _knew_ they’d fuck you over. And you kept smiling, kept coming back, kept letting them disappoint you.”

 

He looked at me then, holding my gaze.

 

“I fucking hated it.”

 

I flinched, but he continued.

 

“I didn’t need that bullshit in my life. And I’d never care about hurting someone. I didn’t care about hurting you. You were just some fine pussy that was playing hard to get and I knew I’d wear you down.”

 

_Don’t say anything. Don’t saying anything._

 

He let out a small laugh, sensing my stillness.

 

“Ain’t trying to piss you off, ma. Just telling you the truth.”

 

I pursed my lips at him and he stroked his thumb across my bottom lip before tilting his head down to nip at it.

 

“Relax, princess. That was before,” he gave my ass a squeeze. “Before I got a taste of this sweet pussy. Knew I had to come back after that…”

 

“Erik!” I gasped, scandalized. I slapped at his chest and he laughed again.

 

I glared at him and he stroked his fingers down my cheek.

 

“For real though, Shae. I told you, you see what you want to see,” he said, his eyes searching my face. “You told me you see me? Baby girl, you ain’t got no idea how much of a fucking queen you are.”

  
His words made my eyes widen, my face heating.

 

“I-I’m not…”

“Shut up, Shae,” he told me before I could get out a protest. “Don’t know what bullshit you’ve dealt with that made you think you’re not…but if I gotta remind you every fucking day, I will.”

 

“Erik,” I said softly and ducked my head. Erik had never struggled to offer me praise, telling me how beautiful I was, or smart or any other compliment that he’d deemed necessary. It was one of the things I was still getting used to. It’s not that I had low self-esteem, but I had a more subtle self-awareness about my strengths and a very clear view of my flaws.

 

It always warmed my heart to hear such praise from him and Erik knew that his words had an effect on me. He titled my chin up for a kiss to and I leaned into it.

 

 _Don’t get distracted_ , _Shae_.

 

Oh. Right.

 

I pulled away and cleared my throat.

 

“So, what then? You went to Wakanda and then what?”

 

He sobered, obviously annoyed that I hadn’t given in.

 

“That bitch ass nigga thought he’d give me another chance.”

 

I gave him a confused look.

 

“My cousin,” he clarified.

 

I blinked.

 

“King T’challa? What does he have to do with this?”

 

“I overthrew him and took the throne. For two fucking days, before that nigga showed up again.”

 

I gaped at him. He raised a brow at me.

 

“All the shit I’ve been saying and that surprises you?”

 

I closed my mouth. He had a point.

 

“Why do I feel like you’re leaving things out?” I asked, eying him suspiciously.

 

Erik shrugged.

 

“I am,” he replied honestly, and I frowned at him.

 

“Erik….”

 

“Look, there’s some shit…. I don’t want to get you involved in, aight?” he shook his head. “Not right now.”

 

I hesitated, seeing the sincerity in his eyes. He had given me a lot tonight, more than I expected when the evening with him had started. And not only that, my earlier fears that he thought I wasn’t good enough for him…. even with my own personal shortcomings…didn’t seem to be a real concern.

 

Erik didn’t do anything unless he had a reason to. I knew that when he told me his story, he was doing it to show me he meant what he said and was giving me another part of himself.

 

I didn’t know why it’d taken him so long to tell me all of this, but I knew he had his reasons. Just as he had his reasons for still keeping some things to himself.

 

Sometimes, this nigga really got on my nerves though.

 

 His lips quirked at me as if he knew what I was thinking, and I shook my head.

_________

We’d lapsed into silence, both of us left to our thoughts.

One thought in particular stuck out to me.

There was a concept called the “monster theory.” It was a simple theory that attempted to understand the complexity of human nature. Essentially, people can’t separate what a person does from who a person is. So, if a person does something horrible, that’s all that person is or will ever be—a monster. And this is dangerous, because the reality is that we are all capable of the darkest and cruelest things. When we frame a person as only being the sum of what they’ve done, then we’ve erased the chances of who they can be. Which means that in a way, we are all monsters, for we never know what will push us into that abyss.

And all that is needed is for the person to _believe_ they are a monster for it to be true.

_And when that happens they can shape you into whoever they want, turn you into whoever they want you to be."_

That’s what I’d told him so long ago, and I felt a sudden overwhelming swell of grief. Erik had every choice taken away from him. His childhood, his father, his home…. And in the rage that was left, he had transformed into something dark and cruel, twisted against the harshness and unforgiveness of the world. It was the only way he had learned to survive and adapt.

 “I’m not going to tell you that I can understand what you’ve been through.”

Erik tilted his head to look at me as I said the words and I reached up a hand to stroke along his cheek.

“Even though I didn’t know everything, I knew who you were when I decided to be with you. I meant it when I said I wanted you to open up to me. I want to share your pain with you, if you let me,” I murmured, letting my hand smooth down his neck. I could feel his steady pulse against my fingers.

“You’re one of the strongest people I know,” I added, and he frowned at me, a flicker of confusion flashing across his face.

“You said King T’challa gave you a second chance,” I clarified. “Which means it was up to you to accept it. Not everyone is strong enough to do that. To let go of who they were to at least _try_ to be who they want to be.”

I grinned up at him. “You don’t know it Erik, but I think you may have found a bit of hope.”

He stared at me for a long moment and I watch a shift of emotions slid through his eyes, too many to name. Finally, he closed his eyes and shook his head at me.

“You be on some next level shit.”

I shrugged.

“What can I say? I’ve spent the last few years studying the human consciousness. It’s complex but I’m trying…”

“You ain’t afraid of me?”

There was no emotion to the question, it was just that. I paused searching his face.

“Erik, I told you I knew you were dangerous.” I titled my head at him. “But, I don’t think you’ll hurt me. Will you?”

Something fierce crossed his face and he pulled me close.

“Ain’t going to let anyone hurt you,” he said.

Well, that just came with a whole new wave of questions, didn’t it?

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae has her first meeting with royalty. 
> 
> Check the bottom for notes

** Chapter 19 **

 

“I just want to point out,” I said very slowly as I adjusted the strap of my lavender sundress for the third time, “that this is why communication is important in relationships.”

 

Erik glanced at me, his expression unreadable.

 

“In fact, one could say that telling your girlfriend that she’s about to meet a King is very important. Especially when you know how awkward your girlfriend can be when she doesn’t have time to prepare.”

 

Erik’s lips twitched.

 

“You still on this shit, Shae?”

 

I glared back at him, fiddling with the bracelet he had given me to as a graduation gift. I had recently learned that it was actually made from vibranium, with Wakandan markings that I couldn’t understand etched into it. It was literally the most expensive thing that I owned, and I had nearly fainted when I learned how much it was worth. Erik wouldn’t let me give it back.   

 

“Yes, Erik, I am still very much on this shit. Sometimes, I really feel like you enjoying messing with me.”

 

He just snickered as I glared at him.

 

I was nervous as hell. It had been three weeks since that night and I had thought we were just having a lunch date until he had sprung it on me that it was actually an impromptu “interview” for the position at the Outreach Center. And not only that, the interviewer would be none other than King T’challa himself.

 

I had been furious.

 

I should have known something was up when he we hadn’t gone to Ms. Janice’s café.

 

And now here I sat in a classy restaurant, dressed in a classy lavender sundress and white heels, my braids styled up into a bun. I was glad I had installed them a week ago, so they still looked fresh. I was trying to not have a panic attack while my boyfriend looked bored with the whole thing.

 

Not all of us had the natural charm and charisma that Erik possessed.

 

"Chill, Shae, you'll be fine," Erik said, eyeing me as I fidgeted. "The nigga ain't scary."  


"Erik! He’s a King, you can’t talk about him like that!"

 

“Shit, that nigga knows he’s a bitch.”

 

"I see you're doing well cousin," a smooth accented voice said behind me. I jerked my head around in surprise.

 

King T'challa stood behind me, eying his cousin with amusement clear in his dark brown eyes. His dark green tailored suit fit him perfectly, accenting his broad shoulders and tapered waist.

 

The photos didn’t do him justice, I thought as his full lips curled up into a smile.

 

"You staring too hard at the nigga," Erik huffed, irritation lacing his voice.

 

"Erik!" I cried again, mortified. The king chuckled and shook his head.

 

"It is all right, Ms. Anderson. I am used to it," he said, the smile still on his face. I was struck with the sudden thought that handsome men with amazing smiles must run in the family.

 

"Still, I am so sorry your majesty," I said and stood abruptly. I smoothed my hands down my dress and looked at him nervously.

  
Should I curtsy? Bow?

 

I turned to Erik worriedly, but he just rolled his eyes.  
  
“Sit down, Shae,” he said and tugged me back into my seat. “I told you he ain’t special.”

 

I turned to the King apologetically.

 

“Your majesty, he doesn’t speak for me. I’d say he’s normally not this rude but…”

  
We both spared Erik a glance who merely lifted a brow at us.

 

The King laughed and shook his head. Hmm. He had a nice laugh too and I couldn’t help but smile at him.  Erik’s eyes narrowed as he watched me.

 

"Please, call me T’challa,” he said and settled into the seat across from me. Erik shifted so that his arm rested over the back of my chair. He still looked bored.

 

"Oh. Well in that case, you can call me Shae."

 

I was still tense, but Erik had begun rubbing small circles on my back and it was slowly helping me to relax. 

 

T'challa noticed the movement but didn't comment on it.

 

“And can I just say, I’m so honored to meet you. I’ve seen the work you’ve done, and it is amazing,” I enthused, waving my hands slightly.

 

Erik tapped a finger hard into my back, but I ignored him.

 

“I mean, I never thought I’d get to meet you. I mean just your degrees alone, I can’t imagine how you did it!” I said and then froze.

 

“Oh, not to say that I don’t think you _couldn’t_ do it or anything. I mean I felt like it was a struggle to get just one…”

 

My eyes widened.

 

“I mean not that it was _hard_ hard, you know? I mean I enjoyed the work and I am totally capable to handle the position. I mean if that’s what you’re here to talk about. Is it? I don’t want to assume it is…” I was babbling, and I could feel my face heat.

 

_Get it together, Shae!_

  
T’challa was studying me with amusement clear in his eyes. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Erik rub a hand across his jaw, his shoulders shaking lightly.

 

“I mean you obviously know why you’re here, right? Of course, you do, you’re the King! And may I say, that it’s great seeing someone as intelligent and handsome…”

 

Erik growled lowly and pinched my arm. I yelped.

“Keep talking, ma, I dare you.”

  
I blinked at him and rubbed my arm before sparing an embarrassed glance towards T’challa.

 

He gazed at me for a second before he laughed.

 

“There is no need to be so nervous, Shae,” he said, and I gave him a weak smile. “My cousin speaks highly of you. I’m sure this is just a formality.”

 

I raised my brows in surprise.

 

“Really?” I asked, glancing back at Erik. He still seemed annoyed as he eyed me.

 

"I read your dissertation. It was very well written and researched. I can tell your passionate about your work."

 

“Oh,” I said, pleased. “Yes, I wanted to focus on the mental health issues that impacted the more impoverished communities, especially the black community. You see, there’s a lot of factors that play into it that I think contemporary research doesn’t consider….”

 

I was in my element now and the conversation flowed easily. T'challa was engaging and seemed genuinely interested in my responses, and it helped me relax. He asked thoughtful questions and listening attentively, the only lull in the conversation happening when we ordered and ate our meals. The whole time, Erik stayed a comforting presence at my side and I was grateful for his presence.

 

When the meeting winded down, Erik finally spoke for the first time.

 

"So, she got the job or what?"

  
“Erik,” I groaned, but T’challa chuckled.

 

"I'd be more than happy to have you, Shae," he said, and I couldn't let out the squeal of delight.

 

"Oh yes, thank you so much!" I said and clasped his hand in mine.

 

Erik lightly tugged my arm away, ignoring the amused look T’challa shot him.

 

A sudden thought occurred to me.

 

"Um about the salary…"

 

T’challa raised an amused brow.

 

"I know as a recent graduate I can’t request much," I started.

 

"We will pay whatever you request. Benefits as well," he interrupted calmly, and my eyes widened.

 

I spared a glance at Erik, wondering if he had a hand in it. T'challa noticed and gave me another smile.

 

"You are a qualified and capable employee. It would only be proper to give you adequate compensation to care of yourself without worrying about financial concerns."

  
Damn. Working for an employer that actually cared about their employees? Sign me the fuck up. Wakanda was something else.

 

I smiled at him brightly.

 

"I really do appreciate it. I promise, you won't be disappointed, your majesty."

 

"I don't doubt I will, Miss Shae," he said and rose. He took my hand, placing a chaste kiss to the back of my hand. My face heated and Erik let out another low growl. T'challa winked at me and I realized he'd done it on purpose to irritate his cousin.

 

"It has been a pleasure."

 

"You too," I said laughing lightly.

 

T'challa paused, studying me before he his gaze shifted to Erik.

 

"Umxelele yonke into?"

 

Erik's eyes narrowed, his hand tightening its grip where it still rested on the back of my chair.

 

"Jonga ishishini lakho," he snapped. I gazed at him in wonder. I didn't know he spoke Xhosa.

 

T'challa glanced at me again and I sat up straighter under his scrutiny.

 

" Wayeza kuqonda, umzala," he said finally, and Erik's jaw clenched.

 

T’challa left with another nod in my direction and we sat in relative silence for a few moments, before I turned to Erik.

 

"What was that about?"

 

Erik slid his arm from around my chair before meeting my gaze.

 

“Nothing.”

 

I frowned at him.

 

“Well that's definitely not your ‘nothing’s wrong’ face”, I pointed out lightly and prodded him on his side. He grabbed my arm and tugged me towards me.

 

“You know me like that, huh?”

 

“I only know as much as you tell me, Erik,” I said and leaned my cheek against his chest. His heartbeat was a steady rhythm in my ear. I titled my face up to him and he placed a light kiss to my lips and I sighed leaning into it. He pulled away and I stroked my hand along his jaw, my fingers rubbing through his beard.

 

“You know me better than most, ma,” he said, and I gazed at him thoughtfully.

 

I wondered if that was true. 

 

 

“I can’t believe my Shae Shae is abandoning me for some Oakland nigga,” Alisha whined, when I told her the news.

 

“Alisha,” I scolded,” I told you, you’re on the car’s speakers. He can hear you.”

 

I shot Erik an apologetic look and he just rolled his eyes.

 

“Since when has she cared?” Monica teased, and they laughed. Erik shook his head and I couldn’t help the small smile that graced my lips.

 

I had conferenced called them, wanting to give them the news that I was moving to Oakland and the job.

 

 It was still new to me, and I felt like my life was changing quickly. Erik had finally shared his past with me. Deep down, I knew there were things he was leaving out, but I didn’t care.

 

He told me he loved me. Even now, thinking about it, I couldn’t help but smile.

 

“I want to go out and celebrate,” I said, my face beginning to hurt from smiling so much.

 

“Girl, you know, I’m down,” Monica said with a laugh.

 

“I’ll hit up Ralph to see what’s hot tonight,” Alisha said. “I can be there in about an hour or two. Monica?”

 

“Same,” she replied. We finished up with the details and with another round of congratulations I hung up the phone.

 

I turned to Erik and leaned over placing a kiss on his cheek. He glanced at me.

 

“Thank you,” I said and traced my lips along his jaw. His hand tightened on the steering wheel.

 

“Keep doin’ that and Imma pull over,” he said, his voice making me shiver.  I pulled away with a laugh.

\------

 

Once I was inside my apartment, I dropped my purse on the counter and did a little victory dance, my excitement renewing. I wiggled my hips and did a little twirl, letting out a squeal as Erik grabbed me.

 

“Keep moving like that and you ain’t gonna able to walk tonight,” he said and pressed a few kisses along my neck.

 

“Ok, ok,” I laughed and pushed away from him. He let me go, settling on the couch.

 

“You coming with?” I asked. Erik shook his head, tugging out his controller and starting up the gaming system he had hooked up to my television.

 

“Nah. Do you your thing with those crazy ass friends of yours.”

 

I took my time getting ready, singing along to my Rihanna playlist. I knew I had time before Alisha and Monica arrived and sorted through my closet after taking a shower and finishing with my skin care routine. Alisha texted me the details of the club and I was happy to see it seemed to be a more low-key place with good food and music. She knew me well.

 

I tugged on a pair of red shorts, a pair I had been excited to buy, and a white v-cut peasant top. The shirt was a bit tighter than I remembered, so I left the top two buttons undone. I slid on a pair of clean white sneakers and let my braids down from its bun into a high ponytail. A quick application of lip gloss and my favorite pair of glasses completed the look. Erik had mentioned once that he liked me without makeup, and I was relieved because I didn’t really care for it. I didn’t have the level of skill to pull off the looks that Monica and Alisha seemed to do with ease.

 

I walked into the living room and checked my purse to make sure that I had the essentials. Erik sat on the couch, his eyes trained on the television as he played 2K. His eyes flickered up to me, sweeping over my outfit, a frown slowly forming on his face.

 

“The fuck you dressed like that for?”

 

I blinked at him, glancing down at my outfit in confusion.

 

“What’s wrong with this?”

 

I thought I looked good.

 

He rose and moved towards me. I planted my hands on my hips as he towered above me. Erik had this way of dominating my space.

 

“You ain’t going out like that. Looking like a whole ass meal…”

 

I raised my brows and laughed, sobering when he gave me a serious look.

 

“Oh. You’re serious?” I shook my head. “I’m not changing, Erik, they’re almost here.”

 

“Fine. I’m going with you,” he said and tugged me towards him, dropping a quick smack to my ass. “Gotta make sure these niggas know who you belong to.”

 

I rolled my eyes and told myself, that no, I didn’t like Erik’s possessiveness. But I couldn’t help the grin that split across my face as he dropped a heated kiss to my lips. Nope. Didn’t like it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations: 
> 
> Translations
> 
> *Have you told her everything?
> 
> *Mind your own business 
> 
> *She would understand, cousin
> 
> I used Google Translate for the translations and I apologize for any inaccuracies!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae's celebration come with an unexpected visitor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be the last chapter for a few weeks. I'm sorry!!!   
> I have to build out the next installation, but I won't forget this story!

**Chapter 20**

The place lived up to expectations, with its classy lighting and chill atmosphere. It turns out that there were two levels, with the first floor for more casual dining and dancing and the top floor where the party obviously was.

            We had changed plans slightly now that Erik decided that he was going and had driven separately with Alisha, Ralph and Monica meeting us there. Alisha had secured a lounge section on the second floor so that we could bring up food and chill when we wanted to. I didn’t really know what Ralph did, only that his connections were always a plus. I think maybe a publicist?

            The place was already crowded when Erik and I arrived, and we had to navigate through the crowd to get to our section. People tended to move out of the way for Erik and I followed along easily with the firm hand he kept on my waist.

When we go to our closed off section, I learned Monica had already ordered drinks and I accepted one, noticing the man behind her.

Monica waved a hand towards him.

“Ah, this my man, Ryan. Ryan, this is Shae and Erik.”

I blinked. So, she had finally settled down, huh? I grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.

“Sup?” Ryan approached Erik and they exchanged the handshake that all black men inherently knew.

Ryan glanced at me, his eyes taking in my form. Erik frowned.

“Watch ya eyes, nigga,” he snapped, and I groaned.

Monica chuckled. She wasn’t one to get jealous and I had somehow known she’d find Erik’s behavior amusing.

“My bad,” Ryan said and took a step back, a small grin forming. Erik shot me a look as if to say, ‘ _what’d I tell you?’_

I rolled my eyes.

“Where’s Alisha and Ralph?”

“I think Ralph’s putting in a food order. Alisha headed to the bathroom.”

“Oh, I’ll go get her.”

I glanced at Erik as he settled into a lounge chair. “I’ll be right back.”

He nodded, and Monica settled down.

“Are you taking care of our girl?” I heard her ask him as I walked away. I smiled to myself, only imagining the insane conversation they were likely to have.

I continued sipping the drink Monica had given me, the alcohol settling a bit quicker. It hadn’t been that long since lunch, but I tended to be a light weight. And Monica always ordered her drinks strong.

Suddenly a hand tapped my shoulder and I turned, still sipping lightly through my straw. Troy stood behind me, wearing a white polo and jeans, his hair braided back into cornrows. He grinned at me.

“Hey, Shae, long time no see.”

“Hi!”

I laughed and gave him a hug. Even though he and Erik had never gotten along, I had always found Troy to be a nice friend. He had stopped working at the library and I hadn’t seen him in a while.

“Damn girl,” he said eying me, “you still look good.”

I smiled and waved a hand dismissively.

“Oh thanks. I’m just out with my girls before I make a big move.”

“Oh yeah?” he asked, raising his brows.

I told him about my move to Oakland and my new job. Troy flashed me a bright grin before he tugged me in for another hug.

  
“Shit, that’s amazing, Shae! I’m sure you’ll do great.”

 

Suddenly, a strong arm snaked around my waist and I was tugged out of Troy’s embrace.

“Imma need you to back the fuck up,” Erik growled behind me.

A flicker of surprise and annoyance flashed across Troy’s face. He held up his hands in defense.

“Relax, I was just talking her.”

“Cool. Do that shit from there.”

I sighed and nudged an elbow into Erik, but he didn’t budge.

“I’m sorry, Troy,” I sighed, and he shrugged.

“It’s cool, Shae.” He flashed me another quick smile. “I’ll see you, yeah?”

“Sure! I’d love to catch up.”

The arm around my waist tightened. Troy shot Erik another look before turning away. I rolled my eyes. Men.

“You real funny, Shae,” Erik murmured into my ear and I wiggled as his fingers kneaded across my stomach.

“Don’t be mad, Erik. It’s Troy.”

“I ain’t never liked that nigga.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But he’s just being nice.”

I turned to face him and shook my head.

“If I got as jealous as you did, I’d have to fight every girl in this place… And my dance class…. And the grocery store…”

Erik smirked at me.

“Oh yeah?”

“Sure. If I belong to you, then you belong to me, right?” I leaned up to press a kiss against his lips. “And I don’t like sharing.” 

Erik brought out a new side to me. I could be bolder with him and although I wasn’t the biggest flirt by any means, he made me feel comfortable in my own skin.

“Don’t worry, ma. Don’t want anyone else but you,” he said. When Erik said things like that, I felt the familiar warmth in my chest that I hoped would never go away.

 Erik’s hands were curving down my waist and I knew where this was going. I laughed and took a step back and away from his questing hands. Erik didn’t have any qualms with kissing or groping me in public, but I still had my limits.

“I’ll be right back, ok? I want to find Alisha.”

“Aight. Don’t fuck with that nigga again.”

I rolled my eyes and received a light smack on the ass.   
“Hey!”

“I ain’t playin’, Shae,” he said. “I don’t like him.”

 “Ok. I’ll make sure to ignore my platonic male friend if he speaks to me again to make you feel better,” I said sarcastically.

“Cool,” he said and strolled back towards the lounge.

I watched him walk away with an incredulous look on my face. God… Men could be so…   
I shook my head, not bothering to complete the thought.

____

“Hey, Alisha,” I said a moment later, finding her in the bathroom. A woman stood next to her and smiled as I approached. Her red top contrasted nicely against her brown skin and she wore a pair of jeans and heels. Her curls framed her face and I noticed a small birthmark in the junction of her shoulder and neck.

“Hey, Shae. This is Trish. Trish, Shae,” Alisha introduced us, and we shook hands.

“Hi, are you friends from work?” I asked watching her curiously. She seemed nice enough, but there was something about her that was bugging me. I shook it off and took another sip of my drink.

“No, Trish was just letting me borrow her charger. Mine was about to die,” Alisha said, motioning with her phone which was plugged into an outlet. “You’re a life saver, girl.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Trish replied. She hadn’t taken her eyes off me since I walked in. I shifted to my other foot, stirring my drink with the straw.

“How do you two know each other?” she asked.

“Oh, I’ve known Alisha since college.”

“Really? That’s cool.”

I understood suddenly why she bothered me. She hadn’t looked away since I walked in the bathroom and even though there was a smile on her face, there was a coldness in her eyes that had me on edge.

I glanced at Alisha, wondering if she noticed. She was texting something on her phone.

My eyes returned to Trish, whom, to my growing annoyance, was still watching me.

_What is up with her?_

“I have a charger in my purse you can use back at the table,” I said, and Alisha smiled. 

“Yeah? Ok,” she said and unplugged her phone.

She flashed Trish a grateful smile. “Thanks again!”

“Sure, nice meeting you,” Trish said, finally looking away from me to give her a smile.

I began following Alisha as she exited when Trish stopped me with a “Hey.”

I paused and turned to look at her, still feeling uneasy.

“Tell Killmonger I said hi.”

_Who the hell was Killmonger?_

I frowned. Trish’s smile grew cold as she noticed my confused expression.

“Your boyfriend? Tell him I said hi.”

I didn’t have anything to say to that, my heart pounding as I darted out the room to catch up with Alisa.

_What the hell did that mean? How did she know Erik?_

_Why did she call him Killmonger?_

_______

When we arrived back to the lounge, Ryan and Monica were gone and Ralph sat eating from a plate of wings. Erik was gone.

“Where’s Erik?”

Ralph shrugged and wiped a napkin across his mouth.

“Phone call, I think.”

“Oh.” It was louder up here so he’d probably gone downstairs.

_Tell Killmonger I said hi._

I shook my head as I sat down my now empty cup, hoping to ignore the woman’s words still ringing in my head.

“Why is it,” I started as I pulled out my charger to hand to Alisha, “that it takes forever for all of us to stay in one spot?” 

“It’s the charm of our small group,” Alisha said as she plugged in her phone in the outlet on the wall. “We keep things exciting by keeping everyone on their toes.”

Ralph and I laughed.

“So how’s everything with you and your guy?” Ralph asked conversationally.

I smiled.

“We’re doing great. He’s being real supportive about everything.”  
  
I hadn’t told them about Erik’s royal status. They had already been surprised when I told them I was moving in with Erik when I got to Oakland.

_“It’s none of their business,” Erik had said when I had expressed guilt from keeping things from my friends. “They talk too much anyway.”_

“What does he do again?” Ralph asked wiping his hands. He dropped his napkin on his finished plate and leaned back.

“He’s a consultant with an international firm.”

Even I wasn’t quite sure of the specifics of what Erik did. I think it was like a royal advisor maybe? Field consultant?

 “Which firm?”

I glanced at Ralph, feeling a hint of annoyance at his prodding. He laughed at my expression.

“Sorry…just trying to figure things out.”

 

I frowned.

 

“What do you mean?”

  
Ralph shrugged.

 

“I don’t know. I just didn’t imagine you being with someone like him.”

 

His words made me tense and I looked at him carefully. I didn’t like the way he had said that.  

 

“What does that mean?” I asked carefully, placing my now empty cup on the table.

 

Alisha glanced up from her phone at my tone and spared a glance at Ralph. Ralph glanced at her and then back at me.

 

“You just seemed like you’d go for someone else. That’s all.”

 

“What does _that_ mean?” I asked again, keeping my voice neutral.

 

It felt like I was asking the same question and every answer was making me more and more annoyed. I hadn’t gotten into it with Ralph before. We didn’t interact too much, our contact limited to when I hung out with Alisha at parties or going out. I didn’t have a strong inclination against or for him, satisfied as long as Alisha was happy.

 

But Ralph was beginning to piss me off.

 

“I’m just saying, how much do you really know about him?”

 

I narrowed my eyes. Sure that had been a point of contention between Erik and I, but now that I knew everything about him….

 

I didn’t like someone coming for my man.

  
“I know it’s none of your business what my relationship with Erik is.”

 

“Relax, Shae,” Alisha said and sat next to me. She shot a look to Ralph. “Ralph got it into his head that he’s on some big brother shit. He’s just looking out for you. Right Ralph?”

  
Her words held a tone to them and I knew he had irritated her too. Alisha knew how protective I could be about the people I cared about and that I didn’t like people judging me on my choices.

 

Ralph glanced between us and shook his head.

  
“Yeah. My bad, Shae. I wasn’t trying to mess with you.”

 

“It’s ok,” I said, but made a mental note to avoid this conversation with him.

 

Sure, I didn’t know everything about Erik, but I’d be damned if I’d let someone speak about him any kind of way.

 

We lapsed into a tense silence before Alisha’s phone buzzed. She answered, unplugging her phone and handing my charger back to me.

 

“Hey, Monica. Where are you?”

  
I heard laughter and a response that had Alisha rolling her eyes as looked at us.

 

“Why did she just say her and Ryan left?” she said with a shake of her head.

  
“Told you so,” I teased, and Alisha grinned.

 

“Yeah?” she said into her phone. “Uh huh. For real? Ok, we’ll see you then.”

 

She hung up and gave me an innocent look.

 

I rolled my eyes. “Let me guess. She’s found a better spot and wants us to meet up.”

 

Alisha batted her eyelashes at me and Ralph snickered.

  
“We just got here!” I protested.

 

Alisha began pouting.

 

“Ugh. Fine, we can go.”

  
She let out a squeal and hugged me.

 

“Yeah, yeah,” I laughed and nudged her away. “I’m going to wait for Erik. We’ll meet you there.”

 

“Okay!”

 

\----

 

Erik returned only a few moments after they left. At his questioning look I explained the change in plans.

 

“You fucking serious?” he complained, “shit, should’ve stayed at home.”

 

He dropped down next to me, his arms stretching out across the lounge. I gave him an apologetic smile. He hadn’t want to go out in the first place and was probably irritated that we were going to drag him all over the place.

 

“I’m sorry,” I said and rubbed a soothing hand on his leg. He titled his head to look at me.

 

“You still want to go?”

  
I pursed my lips in thought.

 

“I got something more fun we can do at the crib.”

 

His words made me bite my lip and he smirked. He tugged me into his lap and I let out a giggle.

 

“Erik, we’re in public,” I said, wiggling as he began placing open mouthed kisses down my throat. His hands slid to cup my breasts, kneading them until I moaned.

 

 Sure, we were in a separate lounge, but anyone could walk by at any time.

 

“Since when did that stop you?” he teased, nipping lightly at the skin of my neck.

 

“T-that doesn’t count,” I gasped, and his fingers tweaked my hardened nipples through my shirt. “And I was drunk that time.”

 

“Uh huh.”

 

He continued kneading my breasts, his tongue tracing a line down my throat.

 

 _Get it together, Shae_.

 

“I-I’m serious, Erik.”

 

He snickered and to my surprise, he released me from his grip.  I righted my clothing, sliding off his lap.

 

He watched me and raised a brow when I continued staring at him.

 

“What? You don’t want me to fuck you here, do you?”

 

I scrunched my face at him and he chuckled, nudging my chin with his hand lightly.

 

“You ready to go?”

 

“Mm hmm.”

 

As we stood to leave, a sudden thought occurred to me.

 

“Hey Erik? Who’s Killmonger?” I asked, checking my purse to make sure everything was there.

 

When I didn’t hear a response, I looked up. Erik had gone rigid, his face blank. I took a step back, startled. I had never seen the look in his eyes before. They were filled with a cold rage that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

 

Shit.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae deals with a hard realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted this comment at the end of Chapter 20, but I'm putting it here, just in case someone misses it: 
> 
> So, I’ve gotten a lot of wonderful feedback and input and I am so happy that people are happy with my series!
> 
> I know I left it with a huge cliffhanger, but the ideas are coming quicker than I thought, and this is my last week off before I have a few work projects next week….So my goal is to provide some chapters before I get swamped again, because I really appreciate my readers and I don’t want to leave you all hangin’ like that!
> 
> I had no idea that I’d eventually write 20+ chapters when I started this story and I’m thinking I might have to split up the series into two more parts and maybe a drabble series. So Breaking Boundaries and Breaking Walls will be Part 1 and then Part 2 and 3, which are yet to be unnamed. I really enjoy writing out Shae’s character and I’m really grateful, because it’s my first venture into writing for a fandom and I’m so happy that it’s in the Black Panther fandom, which is so welcoming to black female authors. Seriously, for those of you who are on the fence on whether to start writing, whether it’s for the fandom or an original work, I’d totally recommend you do it.
> 
> I also want to explore and work on characterization with some new original characters with other Marvel characters, so I have a few projects that I’m thinking about doing too. I like being able to use this world to explore some real world ideas and issues, while also having fun with a world that’s already developed. Plus, the freedom of fan fiction is that you can shape it to what you need it to be!
> 
> So don’t fret, my readers! I will try to have something out sooner than you think and I wish you all the best in your own endeavors, whether creative, career, or just mental wellness.
> 
> Here's Chapter 21 to tide you all over until I get the rest of this Part I completed. I appreciate your patience and support and how respectful everyone has been in their comments to me!

** Chapter 21 **

****

“What the fuck did you just say?”

The dark rage had simmered to the surface, his words making me take another step back.

Suddenly, he grabbed me by the arms, pressing me against the wall as he glared down at me. His grip was tight, and I winced.

“That name. Where the fuck did you hear that from?”

I stared up at him with wide eyes, swallowing as his fingers dug into my arms.

“You’re hurting me,” I said softly. He stared me for a moment before releasing his grip and stepping back. His hands clenched and unclenched at his sides.

“Shae, tell me where you heard that name.”

“T-the woman from the bathroom. I thought she was acting kind of weird and…” I was rambling, the switch in his behavior shaking me to my core.

“Shae.” He bit out my name, like he was struggling to control himself.

I swallowed, trying to control the small bubble of fear that was starting to grow. No matter how much I inherently knew that Erik could be dangerous, I had never worried he’d hurt me. Even in our most heated arguments, he had never raised a hand to me. But there was something about him now that had warning bells going off in my head.

 “Sorry. Her name was Trish… um, she had dark curls, a little taller than me. Oh, and birth mark on her neck.” I watched his face, seeing his jaw clench and nostrils flare.

“She said, ‘Tell Killmonger, I said hi’,” I finished, wrapping my arms around myself. He hadn’t taken another step towards me, but I watched as he tried to control himself. His gaze was focused on the wall above my head, his body tense as if ready to spring.

If I had thought that he’d looked like a predator before…now I could see the danger of it in his body language. He turned suddenly, stalking towards the door.

“Erik…”

 “Stay here, Shae.”

“But…” I tried following him, but he whirled to face me and backed me further into the room.

“Stay. Here.”

He held my gaze as he gave the command, his voice sending a tremor through me.

“Ok,” I said.

He left, and I slumped in my seat, wondering what the hell had just happened. My phone buzzed in my purse and I pulled it out with shaking hands.

“Hey girl, ya’ll coming?” Alisha said, and I could hear the music from her car radio.

“Umm…. yeah something came up,” I said, and realized my voice was shaking.

“What happened? You ok, Shae?” she said and I winced. I didn’t know what was going on but brining Alisha into this wasn’t a good idea.

I swallowed and tried again.

“No, everything’s fine,” I said, pleased that my voice came out steadier, “I think Erik has a family emergency or something so we gotta head home.”

“Oh ok. Hope everything’s ok,” she said, and I could hear the disappointment in her voice. I felt guilty lying to her but….

“Let’s go.”

I jumped, not realizing Erik had returned.

“Sorry, Alisha, I gotta go,” I said and hung up, not giving her the time respond.

I had barely stuffed my phone into my purse before Erik grabbed my arm, tugging me after him. He was stronger than me and I had no choice but to follow or be dragged.

“Erik, wait. Damnit it, hang on.”

He ignored me as we pushed through the crowd and I grimaced when I noticed Troy approaching. Erik did too.

“This nigga,” he growled and stopped so suddenly that I ran into his broad back. I peered around him to see that Troy had stopped in front of him.

“You ok, Shae?” he asked, his eyes darting to the grip that Erik still had on me.

“I ain’t in the mood to deal with you, nigga. Move,” Erik’s deep voice was very calm as he said the words. 

Shit.

“I’m fine, Troy. We’re good,” I said, moving to stand in between them.

He frowned glancing back and forth between us.

“Are you sure? Cause if you need help…”

“The fuck you gonna do?”

Erik pushed forward, and I leaned back against him, trying to block him with my body. If Erik wanted to get to Troy he could, but I was hoping that he wouldn’t try.

“Seriously, Troy. We’re fine.”

I tried thinking fast.

“Erik just got a call from an old friend who’s in trouble. We gotta go, Troy, I’m sorry.”

Erik didn’t wait to see if Troy bought it and grabbed my arm again. As we pushed past Troy, I shot him an apologetic look over my shoulder.

** _____ **

I studied Erik carefully as he drove, giving him the quiet to calm down.

I couldn’t be sure what to think. I had never seen him this angry, a quiet type of rage, his grip tight as he glared out at the road. I had wrapped my arms around myself and pressed my lips together, willing myself to stay quiet.

“Thought you ain’t afraid of me,” he said, his deep voice finally breaking the silence. He hadn’t turned to look at me, but I knew he had sensed my stillness.

“I’m not,” I said, and he arched a brow, his gaze still on the road. “I’m not! I just…you’re scaring me.”

Erik finally glanced at me, his eyes sweeping across my face. He shook his head and rubbed a hand across his jaw.

 “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” I asked hesitantly.

“No,” he said flatly.

I tensed and glanced out the window. Of course not.

“Ain’t got no choice though,” he muttered, and he said the words with such a finality, I internally wondered if maybe, for the first time, I didn’t want to know.

I had known Erik was Navy Seal but hadn’t known he’d also worked as a mercenary in a black ops unit. I blamed my lack of military knowledge to why I couldn’t quite understand what that meant. I listened as he told me about his time overseas, of all the people he’d worked for or with, until he got to Wakanda. And apparently, Trish was a part of an old group he’d worked up with. He hadn’t left the group on good terms.

“What did you do?” I asked, even when, deep down I was beginning to understand the answer.

 _You knew he was dangerous_.

Erik spared me a brief glance and I saw the hesitation in his eyes. With a shake of his head, he tugged up the sleeve of his shirt to show the line of scars along his arm.

“Every one’s for a kill. That’s where the name Killmonger came from.”

 

“Just your arm?” I asked hesitantly.

 

“No.”

 

He wasn’t bragging. Just stating a fact and I pulled my eyes back to his face. 

 

All those scars…. Those were all people he had killed….

 

My fingers tightened where I had wrapped my arms around myself. I didn’t say anything, couldn’t find anything to say at the moment.

 

 Ralph’s words rang in my head.

 _How well do you know him_?

I’m sure Ralph hadn’t meant it on this level, but I was beginning to realize that there was always something with Erik. Some new secret, some dark past, some question that never got truly answered.

And I had known he was dangerous, that he had a temper, that he was trying to keep something inside in check.

But I had never seen that look in his eyes before and the thought of it….

“I think you should go home when you drop me off,” I said softly, and he frowned at me.

“I ain’t….”  


“Erik,” I said softly, feeling tears welling in my eyes, “please. I need…. I just need to be away from you for a while.”

He titled his head at me, watching as the tears spilled, his jaw clenched. There seemed to almost be a pleading look in his eyes.

“Shae…”

I shook my head, not wanting to hear whatever excuse he made. I knew in moments like these, especially given how personal this was for me, that if I were going to understand what was happening, I had to take a break, spend some time away from him.

Compartmentalization wasn’t going to cut it this time.

“I can’t. I can’t right now. I’m sorry…I just…it’s too much. And I’m sorry, I know I said…” the words, cut off and I took in a shaky breath. “I’m just…I’ve been trying, I really have but it’s always something with you.”

“So, we done?”

He said the words carefully, his face neutral.

I let out a small cry and wiped at the tears that spilled.

“I-I don’t know. I’m just…” I took a deep breath, knowing this wasn’t the time to hyperventilate. “It’s just…I need time. I don't know how much.”

I shook my head again, sniffling as I turned my gaze out the window.

“I just need to be away from you for a while,” I repeated again, feeling the pain in my chest.

Erik didn't answer, and I didn’t look at him to see his expression.

Had it been stupid of me to think I could get away without getting my heart broken?

_____

I didn’t talk to Erik for a week, ignoring any text messages or calls I received from him. I was relieved when he didn’t stop by and kept his distance.

My sheets smelled like him. The thought had made me cry the first night, clinging to my pillow as I sobbed out to the unfairness of the world and how, I of all people, had to fall in love with the most complex and complicated man I had ever met. After that, I pulled out a new pair of sheets that smelled like fresh laundry. It didn’t keep me from crying the next two nights after that though.

I had to make up an excuse when Monica complained about us bailing. Apparently, she hadn’t liked my family emergency excuse. I don’t remember what I had said, but it had appeased them enough that they didn't seem that upset with me. I didn’t tell them about Erik, because what would I say?

_Hey, you know how you guys had a bad feeling about this? Well, it turns out your feminine intuition is on point!_

 I hated the fact that it had been my idea to go out, because of course, when _I_ decided to go out, it meant that shit had to go down. Even now, I kept replaying everything over in my head…trying to piece together things I may have missed.

Erik’s demeanor, his temper, the way he held himself…should I have assumed he was a killer?

 _You see what you want to see, Shae_.

That’s what he’d told me, and I began wondering if this whole time he’d been dropping hints, signals to warn me off. I wondered then, which one of was more selfish? Me for ignoring them or him for sticking around when I didn’t pick up on them?

The second week, I fell into anger. Every memory had me fuming at myself, lamenting how stupid I’d been. At the very least, I shouldn’t have gotten in the car that day when he’d showed up and I’d damn sure shouldn’t have made it so easy for him to step back in my life. And who did he think he was? Sure, the sex was amazing but that…I mean…I’m sure I could find that somewhere else. And he was so possessive and secretive and bossy…And the things he’d done, the things he was capable of….

No, sir, I did not need that in my life.

The third week…that’s when I started missing him with a combined sense of longing and distress. I was still angry, still hurt, but even more than that, I realized how much I truly did love Erik. And the funny thing was, that once he was gone, I realized how much I’d come to rely on him. Erik had become a big part of my life and he knew a part of me that I didn’t like sharing with other people.

My choice of studies was built on my own history. I had suffered from anxiety when I was little, even though I hadn’t understood that’s what it was at the time. Mental health wasn’t explored or understood well in the black community when I was growing up. Even though my momma was a RN, she didn’t have the resources to help me as much as she wanted and could only listen or advise me to get some sleep. And as strong and hard-working as she was, I took her advice, because what else I could do?

At least my momma accepted my attacks as well as she could. My aunt Melba told me it was because I didn’t pray enough. If I prayed, then I wouldn’t have panic attacks or anxiety. And black people “don’t go to therapists”. If something was wrong, you need to go to church and pray it away.

            But I didn’t really like my aunt Melba anyway. She and my mother didn’t get along, as my mother was the younger sister and aunt Melba didn’t like how “busy” my mother was with being a nurse and raising her daughter by herself. She claimed that my mother had needed a man to help raise her children and she had no business trying to do all of those things as a single mother. How dare she attempt to be a mother and have ambition? As if my aunt Melba’s relationship with my uncle was preferable…. But I digress.

            It’s when I got older and met other people that I realized that such things weren’t just a problem in the black community. Apparently, anxiety and depression didn’t care who you were or how much money you had, if the field of your mind was ripe for it’d settle and make root. And so many people go through life every day trying to find the perfect way for being happy. As if we could erase any feelings of sadness or despair from our lives.

            But how can you know what it is to be happy, unless you feel sad? Unless you’ve had that pain, that heartbreak, the tears? Without fear or sadness or anger, how can we truly appreciate the overwhelming joy of what it is to be happy?

            I don’t know. There’s history of theories, philosophies, theology and religion that attempt to answer such a question. That attempt to provide the clearest route to what it means to be happy and content on this Earth. It’s a fascinating journey to read through and I tended to read through a lot of these books when I was studying at school.

            And the clearest thing that came to me was, that no matter how much knowledge I obtained, how many theories or techniques of mental wellness skills that I developed, I still had my off days or mild attack. It was inevitable, given the more controlling aspects of my personality. If something spiraled too much out of my control, I’d feel myself drifting, struggling to grasp onto anything that could center me. And unexpectedly, I found that Erik was someone who could ground me.

            My first attack around him had hit me suddenly when we were at home, my mind spiraling over something that I can’t even remember now. I had been standing at the kitchen counter and leaned over, clutching my shirt as my heart pounded erratically. It felt like it was beating too quickly, but there was a constriction in my chest that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe at all. There was too much of everything and nothing at all. I sunk to my knees and closed my eyes as my breath came out in stuttered gasps.

            Strong arms pulled me into his embrace as he settled behind me, keeping his grip loose so that I didn’t feel trapped. He pulled until my back was flush against his chest.

            “Just breath, ma,” he told me sternly and took a deep breath. “Like this. Just breathe.”

            In the back of my mind, I was surprised. I didn’t expect him to know how to handle something like this.

            “Ay, stop thinking, just breathe.”

            I nodded and began mimicking the rhythm of his chest rising and falling behind me. I dropped my hands to his forearms, gripping them as I tried to steady myself.

“Good girl. Just keeping breathing...”

He continued holding me as I followed his breaths, willing my body to just slow down. Finally, when I could breathe deeply and felt the tension in my chest ease, I leaned back against him. I turned my face into his neck, grounding myself in his smell. He rubbed a hand down my arm.

“You good?”

I nodded and titled my head to look at him.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t start on that,” he told me, and I gave him a small smile.

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

He shrugged and leaned his head back against the wall.

“Shit used to happen to me sometimes when I was little. One of my foster moms showed me.”

“Oh.”

I shifted so that I was on my knees, facing him. I rose up and pressed a quick kiss to his lips.

“Thank you.”

He pulled me back for a deeper kiss, before leaning back again to study me.

“If that shit happens again, don’t hide it from me, aight?”

I blinked at him, slightly unnerved by how well he knew me. I shouldn’t be, but I was embarrassed that he had witnessed it. And I was touched that he wanted to be there to help me. Erik, who had witnessed more trauma in his life than anyone I knew, wanted to be there for me.

“I’m for real, Shae,” he told me, his dark eyes holding mine. “You ain’t gotta go through it alone.”

I smiled as tears pricked my eyes.

“Ok,” I said and wrapped my arms around his neck, giving him a quick hug. “I won’t.”

  
And it was that memory that stuck with me, filtering through every time I told myself that I was done with Erik.

 

I hadn’t known it at the time, all the things he’d done and I could only remember feeling such relief and joy to have someone who didn’t judge me, didn’t push me when it came to things like that.

 

Erik hadn’t judged me, hadn’t mocked me for getting in a field to help people with the same problems that I was struggling with.

 

“Shit, how you gonna help people if you haven’t been through it?” he’d said with a shrug. “Need more people like you, ma. People who been through it and ain’t just talking shit.”

  
Yes, Erik was the most confusing person I had ever met. It’s why loving him was so hard and letting him go was even harder.

 

 

 

 

 


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae seeks advice and it comes from a few unlikely sources.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok. So as soon as I thought I had writer's block on this project, I got hit with a lot inspiration. And honestly all the lovely feedback is great encouragement too! As long as ideas keep coming to me, I feel I should keep focusing on rounding out this series. And it's been fun and hard and interesting to do. 
> 
> So, I pulled this chapter together and I think it'll help progress the story in the direction that I want. It's still a bit of a cliff hanger but I hope it's still enjoyable!

** Chapter 22 **

“What’s wrong, Shae?”

 

Ms. Janice’s voice broke me from my thoughts and I turned to see she had settled two pies on the counter next to me. Ms. Vivian had asked that I’d pick up an order for her as her car wasn’t working. I was also guessing that Ms. Vivian wasn’t as keen to driving, considering the many delivery orders she tended to get. I didn’t mind the bus ride and I was in the need of some comfort food. There was definitely nothing better than Ms. Janice’s.

 

I smiled at Ms. Janice before rummaging in my purse for cash. To my surprise she waved a hand at me.

  
“Nuh uh, this is a belated graduation gift. Besides, one of those is for Ms. Vivian,” she said and titled her head. “Now, what’s wrong with you, child? I haven’t seen you like this since….”

  
Her words trailed off and she hummed thoughtfully.

 

“Ah, you and your young man must be in it then?” she asked, and I sighed.

 

Why did it seem like I was an open book to everyone?

 

“I... it’s…” I started, and she shook her head at me.

 

“It’s complicated, hmm?” she asked, crossing her arms. “Well then, what’s wrong? Maybe I can help.”

  
I smiled at her sadly.

 

“I don’t think so, Ms. Janice. This is not something I think any of us can fix.” 

 

Ms. Janice studied me carefully, before motioning to the stool at the counter. I blinked at her but moved to sit.

 

“Tell me as best you can, Shae,” she said, and I realized that she wasn’t going to let me get away without something.

 

I hesitated, fidgeting with my purse strap. She watched me patiently.

 

“Have you ever…learned something about someone that scared you?” I spared her a brief glance, but she was still wearing that patient look. “Something that they’ve done, that’s bad, horrible even, and you don’t know how to feel about it.”

  
I furrowed my brows, twisting the strap lightly before loosening it and repeating the motion.

 

“And deep down, you know that sure, everyone makes mistakes and you should forgive them for what they’ve done, especially if you care about that person. But they just, make everything seem so hard, and they spring things on you that pushes you one step closer on just giving up.”

  
I hadn’t realized I was crying until Ms. Janice passed me a napkin. I gave her a weak smile as I tugged off my glasses to dab at my eyes.

 

“Do you know why Neal works here?” Ms. Janice asked, and I looked at her in confusion. Neal was her older nephew who worked with her part time.

  
I shook my head. 

 

“Well, when Neal was sixteen, he decided that he was grown enough to go looking for his father. Said he said he wanted to be with his daddy,” Ms. Janice said and began wiping down a few glasses before placing them on the dish rack.

  
“It was only me and his mother, my younger sister, and we had just barely made it out of our parents’ house when she got pregnant. I was…. hmm…21 and she was only 18, I believe.”

 

She nodded, as if to confirm that fact to herself.

 

“And I knew the type of man that his father was. I knew it when my sister gave birth to Neal, knew it when that man came home while I was out and shot her.”

  
I blinked in surprise, my eyes widening.

 

“It was a blessing that I had Neal with me at the time, taking him with me while I was grocery shopping.”

  
Ms. Janice, set down another glass and picked up another one, her face pleasantly blank. I had seen that look before. The one that people wore when the memories had become just that… memories…and were no longer raw to think about.

 

 

“After that I was the one who looked after him. Watched him grow up, tried my best to show him what was right and wrong, in the only way I knew. But I was younger then and when he said he wanted to leave, well…I started thinking about all of the things I had on my plate at the time and that just meant I had one less responsibility to worry about and I was free to move on to things I wanted to do.”

 

She swept the rag across the counter before placing it on the dishrack.

  
“And it has been one of the biggest regrets of my life when I let that boy walk out that door. Two months later, I received a phone call that Neal was caught up in a shooting, just two blocks from where his daddy had been living.”

 

She shook her head at the memory.

 

“Turns out that Neal had found out who killed his mama and it hadn’t been to catch up that he went looking for his daddy. He still had the gun when they found him in an abandoned house two blocks away.”

 

She studied a picture on the wall before letting out a sigh.

 

“So of course, they put him away. And it didn’t matter that he was just sixteen, they tried him as an adult and put him in prison. I ended up spending so much money working with lawyers to shorten his sentence, but he still ended up in jail for 20 years.”

  
She made a vague gesture around the room.

 

“Thank the Lord I had savings and this place. I had just opened it around the time Neal got put away, but I was doing well enough…just enough to pay off those lawyer’s bills, and make sure I could stay afloat. It was hard times, still hard times, but I knew I had to do it.”   


She finally met my gaze, her gaze firm.

 

“And do you know why, Shae?” she asked.

 

“Because you thought it was the right thing to do?” I offered, and she smiled.

 

“Well, some would say it was because he was a child and others said it wasn’t because he needs to learn from what’s he done. And I ain’t arguing that.... He more than served his time.”

 

“No,” she said, shaking her head again, “I did it because there was no one else in this world that would do it for him. I let him come back, found him a room and told him he could work here part time. He’s in school now, did you know that?”

  
I shook my head and she nodded, a hint of pride in her eyes.

 

“Sure is, one of those associate degrees, and that’s something. I remember the look on his face when he got out and I was the only one there waiting for him.”

 

Only then did a sheen of tears reach her eyes as she looked at me.

 

“Shae, there are so many people in this world that have only felt cruelty and pain, so that’s the only world they know. But they only need one chance. One chance to know what it is to love, truly feel love. One chance to come back from what they’ve done, so they can do better. Be better. Not everybody can give that chance and not everybody thinks they deserve it.”

 

She let out another sigh.

  
“You can’t make them take it and you can’t make them do better or treat you right. But if you love them enough, truly love them, you can give them something for when the world is too hard.”

 

She smiled at me gently, patting my cheek lightly.

 

“You don’t need to understand what they’ve done, although it’ll help. You just need to accept it. And if you find yourself a man? Well child, there’s nothing more than a man who will let you lean on him as much as you let him lean on you.”

  
I was crying again, feeling her words as I rubbed at my face. She hummed and passed me another napkin.

 

“You have a kind heart, Shae and there’s nothing wrong with that. And I don’t know what your young man has done that has scared you like this, but I can tell you, he’s just as afraid as you are.”

 

I let out a weak laugh.

 

“Erik’s not afraid of anything,” I said, and she raised a brow.

 

“No? Sounds to me he’s doing his best to get you stop being with him. Doing everything he can to push you, see how far he can go before you let him go.”

 

I blinked at her, resettling my glasses on my face. She smiled at my expression.

 

“I’ve been around you two, remember? I’ve heard some of those conversations, sees the way he looks at you when you’re not seeing it. You have that boy shook and he don’t know what to do about it.”

 

I shook my head in disbelief.

 

“Don’t shake your head at me, child. I know. It’s the same thing I had to deal with when Neal came home. Tried his best when I talked to him, but he went missing for a while, the life he’d lived so far haunting him. But I let him come back, because he’s my family and I love him. And I know no one else will. And it’s hard. Lord knows it hard. But I see there’s more to him, still see it in him. That’s why he’s here now, instead of out there, lost in the world that won’t love him.”

 

She tilted her at me.

 

“Shae, sometimes they forget how to love, so when they see it or feel a glimpse of it, they either hold it close or push it away. And when they push it away, they look for any excuse for them to think they’re not loved, not wanted. It’s easier that way, because loving is hard.”

 

I stared at her, blinking away the few tears that tried to slip free.

 

“He told me he loved me,” I said softly, and she smiled.

 

“Did he now? Well there you go.”

 

I shook my head, not sure what I was feeling.

 

“I don’t know if I can do this, Ms. Janice.”

 

“Can you forgive him for what he’s done? Can you accept that part of him, even if you can’t understand it all?”

 

I hesitated, and she watched me, waiting.

 

“I-I think…maybe…I don’t know…

 

“Do you love him?”

 

“Yes,” I said instantly, and she smiled.

 

“Well, child, there’s your answer. I told you, love is hard. But if you can love him and if you think he loves you…”

 

I blinked at her again, absently rubbing a hand across my heart.

 

“He just needs someone to show him how to love, Shae,” she said gently, “really, that’s all of us need. Just need someone to show us how to love.”

 

I stared down at my hands, clenching and unclenching my fists around the used napkins.

 

Ms. Janice patted my arm gently.

 

"You have to remember Shae, you can’t change people, but sometimes you can be the reason people want to change for themselves,” she said, and I lifted my eyes to meet hers.

 

“If you love that boy and you think he loves you, you’re going to have to show him…. give him one more chance to be more than who he was. He may not take it, but you’ll never feel right if you don’t let him try. At least once.” 

______

****

 

I thought about Ms. Janice’s words while I rode the bus home, internally grateful to have someone so insightful in my life. If I did move, and I was realizing there was a small part of me that thought it was a possibility, I would miss her.

 

I knocked on Ms. Vivian’s door and she opened it with a smile.

 

“Hello, dear. Oh! Is that my sweet potato pie?” she asked, and I grinned at her.

 

“You know it. Oh, and Ms. Janice said she’d send Neal to come pick you up if you still wanted a ride to church Sunday.”

  
Hmm. I thought about Neal, remembering how nice and polite he was in the few times I’d interacted with him. I’d never guess what he or Ms. Janice had been through.

 

 _If you give them at least one chance_.

 

Isn’t that what I’d been doing with Erik though? Or was the chance now? Now that I knew the truth about everything?

  
I could feel the beginning of what I was starting to assume was a permanent headache.

 

“Shae, before you go, did you still want that two weeks’ notice for move out?” Ms. Vivian asked as I passed her the pie.

 

I paused, thinking.

 

“Can I have another week or so?” I asked, and she waved a hand.

 

“Of course, dear. I’m sure you and your man are still planning the move,” she said, and I didn’t bother correcting her.

_____

 

Two days later, I was still musing on my conversation with Ms. Janice, still missing Erik but still ignoring his calls. He’d only reached out every other day now but didn’t leave any messages.

 

It was a clever tactic. He knew I’d have to call him back if I wanted to talk to him, instead of relying on a voicemail to get the answers I was looking for. But I was stubborn too, even as a part of me was beginning to want to do nothing more than answer the phone when he called.

 

But I couldn’t…not yet anyway.

 

I was lying in bed, looking through job ads again on my laptop. Just because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, didn’t mean I wasn’t going to prepare with all my options.

 

An email notification dinged on my second tab, and I clicked over to see what had come through. My eyes widened as I read through the email, my heart pounding. 

 

It was an email from the T’Challa, confirming that I had the position and that they’d be happy to receive me when I was ready. Apparently, they had created the position for me, but felt it would be a great benefit for the goals of the Outreach Center.

  
And at the very end, T’Challa had given me his personal cell phone number, in case I had any questions.

 

_Oh my God. Oh my God._

 

Did he not know that Erik and I were…What? Broken up? On a break?

 

And holy shit, he was a King! Wasn’t there like, special security protocols for giving his number like that? I mean…I guess he could do whatever he wanted….

  
I stared at the number, a very bold and very dumb idea forming in my head. I pulled out my phone to type it in hesitating for a few seconds before calling.

 

The phone rang three times before, before T’Challa’s deep voice sounded.

 

“Oh, hi, your majesty,” I cleared my throat, genuinely surprised that it was actually his number.

 

“This is Shae Anderson. Shae…um... we met a few weeks ago…I…”

 

He laughed lightly.

 

“I remember you, Miss Shae. How can I help you?”

 

I bit my lip, my gaze going back to the email on my screen.

 

“Well…I… you see, I saw the email about the position and I’m not sure if it’s a good idea….”

 

“Oh? You are no longer interested?”  there was a hint of confusion in his voice.

 

_He doesn’t know about me and Erik._

I sighed, resigned.

  
“No, you see…Erik and I…we’re not…really together right now.”

 

He paused, and I realized he wanted me to clarify.

 

I cleared my throat again.

 

“And I don’t want to put you in the position of hiring me because….”

 

“My cousin introduced you to us, yes,” he interrupted, “but I hired you because I believe you would be the best person for this position. You had many good ideas that would be a benefit to the center.”

 

I blinked.

  
“Oh.”

 

“Are you still interested?”

 

“Oh, yes. Definitely,” I said, still shocked.

 

“Wonderful. You are welcome to call me if you have questions, but I’ll also give you the director’s number as well.”

 

Another nagging thought entered my mind.

 

“Your majesty…”

 

“T’Challa,” he corrected, and I couldn’t help the small smile.

 

“Right, T’challa, could I ask you something. About Erik?”

 

“Yes?”

 

I wish I could see his face. His voice had that pleasant neutral tone to it when someone was being careful. I wondered what his facial expression would be—would I be able to tell if he was hiding something?

T’Challa, as far as I knew, was the only one who knew everything, if not more about Erik. And yes, he was a King, but aside from being star struck, there was something about T’Challa that made me feel that he would listen.

 

So, everything came spilling out. I kept some of the more…. personal details to myself, of course, but I told him everything else. About how long it took for Erik to open up to me and even about how he’d left things out. I told him how difficult he could be, how it seemed like I gave so much, and he was so reluctant to give me what he could.

 

And I told him about Trish and Erik’s reaction and how I had finally learned about his name Killmonger and what that entailed.

 

“And I haven’t seen him since that night,” I said, “because I just don’t know what to think or what I should do.”

 

“Hmm.”

 

I pursed my lips, slightly put out that this was the only response.

 

“I think, Shae, that you are closer to N’Jadaka than any of us.”

 

I blinked.

 

“I’m not sure I understand.”

 

He hummed again, a hint of amusement in his voice.

 

“My cousin, as you know, does nothing unless he wishes to. It was this drive that brought him to Wakanda, after all.”

 

“Where he threw you off a cliff to take over the throne,” I pointed out.

 

T’Challa sighed.

 

“Yes, a fact he likes to point out whenever he is annoyed with me,” he said, and I bit my lip, trying to contain the small laugh that bubbled up.

 

That definitely sounded like Erik.

 

“But you forgave him?” I asked and T’Challa paused.

 

“It was not forgiveness that my cousin needed. Forgiveness is an easy thing, but acceptance, acceptance of who someone is and what they’ve done, that is more important, I think. It is needed if we are to move on, to truly forgive. It was my father who wronged him, who placed the burden on a child to grow up in this world alone.”

  
“Oh,” I said, struck by how, intuitive T’Challa seemed.

 

“I do not say that what my cousin has done is right. And there are many things now that we do not agree upon. But, where my father took away what he could have been, I wish to give him what he can be.”

 

_All they need is one chance._

 

“Perhaps it was out of guilt. Guilt that my father, one who I had looked up to and still have respect for today, could do something so….” T’Challa trailed off and let out a sigh. “He was wrong. And his wrongs have affected so many people today, including N’Jadaka. It is not much, but I wish to right them as best I can.  I believe N’Jadaka must be allowed to right his wrongs as well.”

 

It was the same sincerity in his voice that I’d heard during his speech.

 

“Not many people would be willing to give that kind of second chance,” I said softly.

 

_Not even me?_

“No,” he agreed, “but we must if we truly wish to do better.”

 

I was fiddling with my bedsheet again, staring at the wall.

 

“But even so…. Erik seems like one minute he’s pushing me away and the next he’s bringing me in. I don’t know what he wants, and I can’t keep up…”

 

“He wants to keep you safe,” T’Challa said and I frowned.

 

“Safe from what?”

 

There was a pause and I heard T’Challa murmur something in Xhosa.

 

“It is not my place to say…” he started finally, and I shook my head.

 

“Please,” I begged, “T’Challa, I’m on the edge of my rope. Please help me understand.”

 

“Bast,” he muttered and bit my lip waiting.

 

“You know of his…what did you call them?”

 

“Business trips?”

 

He hummed.

  
“Yes, business trips. There was one in particular a month or two ago, where he ran into the woman you mentioned earlier.”

 

My heart was pounding, my mind scrambling to remember if I had a clue to that one.

 

“Where did he go?”

  
“We were in a small town in Brazil, closer to the coast.”

 

Brazil? That sounded familiar.

 

Oh! That’s when he had been gone for three weeks. And when he’d gotten back…my face heated at the memory.

 

“He said there wasn’t good reception there.”

  
“Yes, things were difficult for a time.”

 

“You’re not going to tell me what you were doing, are you?”

  
He let out a small laugh.

 

“No, I’m afraid not. All I can say that there were people there, people who were looking for him. And they knew your name.”

 

I blinked, my heart still racing in my chest as something close to fear slid down my spine.

 

“Why?” I asked softly.

 

“Because there are those from N’Jadaka’s past who still hold him accountable to things he has done. And many of them are not…pleased that he has embarked on his new path. He claims there is not much people can use to hurt him. But when they said your name, I knew it wasn’t true.”

 

I swallowed.

 

“You must understand, Shae,” T’Challa said, obviously sensing my distress. “N’Jadaka, had wanted to die.”

 

_What? What?!_

“And when he survived, it took time. A lot of time for him to give us a glimpse into him. Even now, there are only small moments where I can see that he trusts me, in the only way he knows how to. And as time went on, there were small moments, where he’d mentioned your name. It was the only time I’d see such fondness in him than when he spoke of you.”

 

I swallowed at his words, and twisted my bedsheet tighter.

 

“I cannot say for sure, but I believe that you may have been a part of the reason for him trying as much as he did. And when I allowed him to return to America, I knew it was you he was looking for.”

 

_Why did you come back?_

_You._

“Many were skeptical that he would betray us and never return. But he didn’t. He came back, and he kept his word.”

 

“The business trips?” I asked.

 

“Yes,” he said, but didn’t clarify any more than that.

 

“What did you mean when you said he had wanted to die?” I asked and T’Challa paused.

 

 I sighed.

 

“Another thing you’re not going to tell me about?”

 

“Some things are best left for N’Jadaka to explain,” he said, and I rolled my eyes.

 

Hmm…. seems he and his cousin have a lot in common in that area too.

 

“Because he’s so good at that,” I muttered, and he chuckled.

 

“So, what are you telling me? That I should forgive him and let him just…keep being difficult?”

 

“I think you underestimate how important you are to him,” T’Challa mused, “I told you that N’Jadaka does only what he wishes, yes?”

 

I nodded, then realized he couldn’t see me.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Then you must understand how important it is that he will do anything for you. And you may find, that if you wish it to be, N’Jadaka may give you more than you expect.”

 

_____________

 

I stood in what seemed like a dense jungle, wearing my night shirt and pajama bottoms. I was staring up at the sky, fascinated by the swirls of blues and purples with only a few winks of stars shining through.

 

I distinctly remember thinking “it’s beautiful” instead of “where am I?”

 

A low growl had me turning, a creature moving with a feline grace through the shadows. As it emerged, I noticed it was a panther, its tail swishing lightly at is approached me. I backed up, not quite afraid, but aware of the danger as it advanced towards me. It stopped a few feet in front of me, gazing at me with emerald green eyes that I found held an intelligence that I didn’t expect from an animal.

 

I couldn’t be sure, but there almost seemed to be a hint of amusement flicker in its eyes, as if it’d heard my thoughts.

 

With a flick of its tail, it turned and stalked into the grass, pausing right before it disappeared to look back at me. I realized it wanted me to follow.

 

I blinked and trailed after it, feeling that I had no choice but to.

 

I found that I didn’t have to fight my way through, the tall grass moving almost as if to let me pass.

 

It wasn’t long until we reached a path that led up slightly, stopping as it reached the edge of a cliff that overlooked the dark foliage below. That was the strange thing too…I hadn’t thought I was climbing, but as I peered down over the cliff’s edge I found that dark shadows made it too difficult to see the jungle floor below. And it seemed to be a long drop.  

 

“Careful, ma,” a deep, familiar voice said behind me. I whirled and almost lost my footing before a strong hand shot out and grabbed me, tugging me back a few steps. “Don’t want you falling over.”

 

“Erik?” I breathed, clutching my chest, staring at him in shock.  

 

He was wearing a blue hoodie with white stripes down the side, a pair of jeans and an old pair of white sneakers. His father’s ring dangled from a gold chain around his neck.

 

Erik flashed me that smirk and I blinked at him, watching as he began pacing a small circle around me.

 

“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to keep him in my line of sight.

 

He finally stopped in front of me, stepping close enough that I had to tilt my head to look up at him.

 

“Missed you, baby girl,” he said and titled his head down, pressing his lips against mine. He placed another one, not quite pressing down. Slowly, my hands reached up to cup the back of his neck, sighing as he pulled me closer to deepen the kiss.

 

His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me flush against him, his tongue stroking along the insides of my mouth. I moaned, my hands sliding up to bury in his dreads. I returned his kiss eagerly, reveling in the feel of him again.

 

It was the low growl behind us that had me pulling away, glancing over my shoulder to find that the panther was still there. It sat, tail flicking lightly behind it before curling in front. There was a shadow in its eyes and I had the sudden feeling that it was impatient.

 

“Erik, stop,” I said, wiggling as he pressed an open mouth kiss to my neck. “We can’t…”

 

He nipped at the skin, tongue teasing at it stroked a path down to my shoulder.

 

“Erik,” I repeated, pushing at his arms and he finally took a step back, his dark eyes studying me.

 

“Still mad?” he asked, a hint of humor in his voice. His hands dropped from me and I watched as he took a few paces back, his eyes flickering briefly to the panther behind me.

 

He gave it annoyed look.

 

“You decide show up now?” he asked and received a growl in response.

 

 _Careful_ , I thought I heard a feminine voice say. He snickered.

 

I furrowed my brows at him.

  
“I’m not mad…I’m just not sure I understand,” I said answering his original question and not quite understanding the odd exchange.

 

“Ain’t yo fault,” he said, tilting his head to look at the panther again.

 

“Haven’t made it easy for you, have I, ma?” he asked, even as his gaze stayed on the feline.

 

The panther’s whiskers twitched, and I had a feeling that it…no, she… was patiently waiting for something.

 

Erik’s brown eyes returned to me, the look in them unreadable.

 

I frowned at him.

 

“No, you haven’t,” I said, staring at him. He was still smirking, but there was something sad in his eyes.  

 

“You still love me?” he asked, and my heart raced.

 

“I…”

 

_Yes._

_“_ I don’t know,” I said, and he gazed at me for a long moment.

 

“My pops used to say we were lost,” he said suddenly, sliding his hands in his pockets and tilting his head at me. “And that we were abandoned. You think I’m lost, princess?”

 

I blinked and licked my lips nervously. His eyes dropped down to watch the movement.

 

“I don’t know, Erik. I think you might like being lost…”

  
He huffed out a laugh and paced again, seemingly unbothered as he approached the panther. Her tail flickered, green eyes still trained on me. I shifted under her gaze, unsure to what she wanted.

 

Why did I think I have a distinct feeling that it was a she?

 

“Ain’t got no home, baby girl,” Erik said, and I turned, realizing he’d paced behind me again.

 

“What about T’Challa or Princess Shuri?” I asked, remembering the stories he had told me about them. He raised his brows.

  
“What about them?” he asked, and I wondered if it was my imagination, or had his eyes gotten darker?

 

I shook my head.

 

“T’Challa cares about you. And you said you like Princess Shuri, didn’t you? They’re your family,” I insisted.

 

“He’s guilty for the shit his pops did,” Erik said and shrugged, “and lil cuz don’t know no better.”

 

I turned to him, feeling a well of sadness. Couldn’t he see how many people cared for him? How loved he was?

 

“Erik,” I said and reached for him. He took a step back, just out of reach. A shadow had fallen over his eyes as he backed closer to the edge.

 

“Erik,” I said again, my eyes widening as he stopped just short of the cliff. “Be careful!”

 

He grinned, the shadow in his eyes growing. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the panther rise and take a few paces towards him. I watched it, feeling panic build.

 

“Stop that,” I told her, and she paused and titled her head at me.

 

 _Help him_ , I heard the feminine voice say in my head. _He is lost._

 

Erik chuckled.

 

“You worried about me, princess?”

  
I turned to look at him again, eying how close he was to the edge.

 

 _He had wanted to die_.

 

“Yes, Erik. I’m worried about you. I’m always worried about you.”

 

I reached out my hand to him, trying to smile to coax him back towards me.

 

“Please, come back here. We can talk about this…”

 

“I told you, you can’t fix me, princess, “he said, tilting his eyes up to the sky. “Ain’t nobody gonna fix me.”

 

“I don’t want to fix you, I just want to be with you!”

 

The words came out, shocking me because I meant them. The panther’s tail twitched again, her eyes urging me.

 

To do what?

 

 _He is lost._  

 

Erik titled his head down to look at me and my heart clenched at the look in them. I had never seen the anguish in his gaze before, the dark brown darkening to where they looked almost black.

 

“My pops was right,” he said lightly, his gaze returning to the sky. “There’s nothing for me here.”

 

Before I could reach him, he flashed me one last look before taking another step back, disappearing over the cliff.

 

“Erik!”

 

I woke with a cry, clutching my chest, gasping in breaths as I stared unseeing in my dark room. I could feel my body shaking, the image of the look on his face when he’d fallen from the edge still vivid in my mind. I wrapped my arms around my legs, and pressed my forehead against my knees, trying to stave off a well of tears.

 

_Help him…. he is lost._

What did that mean? What should I do?

 

“Oh, Erik,” I whispered, finally letting the tears fall.

It was only after I cried every tear that I could that sleep took me again.

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Life has a way of pushing you to make the decisions you may too afraid to make for yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! In the next few moments I will be uploading the rest of Part I!  
>  I'm up to 31 Chapters for Part I, which I'll post Chapter 30 and 31 probably tomorrow, as I'm still working on them.  
>  If anyone is interested, I can start working on Part II, if the interest in Shae's journey is still there. 
> 
> Like I said, I have a few other projects to work on, but I still have some ideas for Shae and her journey. 
> 
> Enjoy!!

** Chapter 23 **

“So, you haven’t talked to him in what? A month?” Alisha asked.

“Yeah,” I said, eyeing a bag of chocolate in the candy aisle. Screw it. I tossed it in the cart and moved on.

“And he was what, cheating on you?”

“No,” I sighed, shifting the phone to my other side, my eyes searching for my favorite brand of tampon. Even though my flow had just ended, I wanted to stock up before my money got too low. It wasn’t a lot but all I had was enough in my savings to pick up a few essentials. I really needed to find a job.

“Did he hit you? Steal from you? What?”

“No, he didn’t do any of those things,” I murmured, feeling a hint of irritation.

“Then, are you going to try and talk to him again?” she asked, and I tossed the tampons in the cart with a huff.

“I don’t know, Alisha,” I snapped, and she grew quiet.

I winced and sighed.

“I’m sorry. It’s just been tough,” I said and pushed my cart towards the frozen meal aisle.

 “I know, Shae Shae,” she said, and I frowned. I heard her laugh and I shook my head, knowing she’d said it in hopes of lightening the mood.

“Do you remember Allen?” I asked suddenly, my eyes skimming the selections. “From college?”

“Of course! He was your first boyfriend,” she said, and I rolled my eyes.

“No, Erik is my first boyfriend. Allen was more of a crush,” I corrected, and she chuckled.

“Uh huh. For five months. What about him?”

“Well do you know why I stopped talking to him?”

Alisha hummed in thought.

“You said something like you got bored because all he talked about was sports or something?”

“Yeah,” I said and opened the freezer to grab a few frozen dinners. “But that was only partially true.”

“What do you mean?”

I glanced at the list in my hand, wondering if I could fudge a bit for some frozen fruit.

“He stopped talking to me. He said I was too weird, not a normal black girl for him to hang with.”

“The fuck does that mean?” she snapped, and I smiled at her indignation. Take it to Alisha to come to my defense for a guy we hadn’t thought about in years.

“I asked him that. He came up with some weird ass answer. Talking about how normally girls shouldn’t be that into anime as much as I was and that it was kind of weird that I liked it in the first place. That I was too quiet, and it put people off and if I really wanted to get a guy I needed to try harder. And how could I be down for the cause if a lot of the tv shows I watched had so many white people in them, because you know, I can fucking control that….”

I let out a huff and continued.

“Anyway, it took five months of hanging around Allen to realize that he wasn’t the first person to say that to me. Like I wasn’t allowed be black and awkward and nerdy, while still loving my culture… Like I wasn’t allowed to have a different type of opinion, as if black women only came in one selection, unable to have distinct differences and personalities.”

“You never told me all that, Shae. Girl, if I had known…” she muttered, and I laughed lightly.

“I know, that’s why I didn’t tell you. And Allen was popular too, you remember? So a part of me believed him, because well, there were a lot of girls that liked him and he had decided to talk to me.  I think he realized too late that I wasn’t giving him what he wanted and wasn’t some book worm fantasy girl he had in his head.”

I paused in the aisle that held the books, eyeing the row of romance novels that lined the shelves. A wry smile crossed my lips.

“But I never had to deal with that with Erik. And trust me, I was prepared for it. He just seemed like the type of guy who’d mess with me on that stuff. Which is kind of messed up, because I was judging him because I thought he’d judge me.”

“The nigga’s not perfect though,” she pointed out, “I remember you complaining about how he gets on your nerves.”

I hummed.

 “But I didn’t want someone perfect because I’m not perfect. I just wanted someone who’d let me be me, no matter how un-normal I could be. Who knew when to leave me alone when I wanted days to myself or could get engaged with my favorite show, even if they didn’t know everything about it. Stupid, small stuff like that….”

I tilted my head in thought.

“I got to relax, didn’t have to hide my weird fandoms or my fanfiction stories or the nerdy girl stuff everyone teased me about. The most he’d do was roll his eyes, but he never ever made me feel bad about it.”

I grinned suddenly.

“You know how I told you I’d never seen Boyz in the Hood?”

“Yeah, a travesty if I’ve ever heard one. Growing up around white kids is no excuse,” Alisha said, and I laughed.

“Right, well I may have mentioned it to him once and he nearly lost it. He teased me, but then we ended up watching it and every classic we could get our hands on that weekend. And not once did he make me feel bad or tell me I wasn’t really black or any of that stuff,” I said.

“I didn’t realize he meant that much to you, Shae,” Alisha said. I was making my way to the register, realizing I still had frozen food in the cart. “And I know how much it bothers you when people say that shit to you. So, if he’s one that doesn’t, then what’s the problem?”

I sighed as I started checking out. I smiled politely at the cashier, who inclined her head at me in greeting. 

“I don’t know.”

“Girl, that n…Erik,” she corrected herself and I raised my brows, amused. “If Erik does all of that for you, accepts all of you and lets you be your amazing black nerdy self,  makes you happy, happier than I’ve ever seen you…” she trailed off thoughtfully.

“Then, I don’t see…and I will never say this again…I don’t see why you just don’t give him another shot. What’s the worse that could happen?” 

___

_What’s the worse that could happen?_

I dwelled on that question, as I pressed the number on the elevator for my floor in my apartment building.

“Hold up!”

I paused, watching as Liam darted in, flashing me a grateful grin.

“Hey, Shae. Wassup?”

I smiled at him and shrugged, motioning with the groceries in my hands.

“Not much, just did a bit of shopping.”

“Nice. Your man out again? I saw you get off the bus.”

I raised a brow at him and he held up his hands laughing.

“Ay, just trying to make conversation, “ he quipped.  

Then, he leaned forward slightly, an excited grin on his face.

“I got a date tonight,” he said and waggled his brows at me.

I laughed.

“Is that why you’re so exited?” I teased, and he shrugged.

“Been focused on my work for a minute,” he said sheepishly. “So, I was out of the game for a while.”

“Well, good for you,” I said as we stepped out onto the floor. “I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

I had put my key in the lock when I realized he was still following me, the sheepish look back on his face.

“What is it?” I asked, curious.

“Look, I was wondering if you could do me a favor,” he said slowly.

I titled my head at him, a sign for him to continue.

“Ok, so would you mind chilling a bit for dinner? You like my art, right? Maybe talk about it bit, impress her a bit, you know?”

I stared at him, a slow grin spreading across my face.

“Are you asking me to be your wing woman?” I asked, hearing the humor in my voice. 

Liam rubbed the back of his neck and gave me a pleading look.

“Come on, Shae, please?”

I shook my head, trying my best not to laugh. Poor Liam. It was slightly amusing to see the guy who had been so cozy with me before, now worried about impressing a girl. Had it been because he knew he wouldn’t try anything with me with Erik around? Low stakes kind of game, so he was just having fun because it wouldn’t amount to anything?

“I’m the worst person to wing for you, Liam,” I told him apologetically. Seriously, even with the few times we hung out, he must know how awkward I could be.  

“Nah, you’ll be fine. Look just let your man know, I’m sure he’ll be cool about it.”

 _If I was talking to him_.

I sobered and turned away with a sigh. “I don’t know…”

Liam’s phone buzzed, and he pulled it out, his brows raising as he read his text.

“She’s here. Just give me like five minutes, ok? Five minutes to chat and then you can make an excuse and go.”

I studied him, taking in his pleading expression. Just because my love life was messed up, doesn’t mean I couldn’t help with his.

I sighed again.

“Just five,” I said firmly, and he smiled brightly at me.

“Thanks, Shae. I owe you one.”

_______

I quickly put my groceries up and gave Liam a few moments before heading over.

I felt silly. I was already socially awkward and now Liam expected me to chat up some girl, that at the very least, he probably just wanted to sleep with. But Liam was nice enough and who knows, maybe he’d find himself a girlfriend?

 _You’re too nice, Shae,_ I heard Erik’s voice echo in my head as I made my way to Liam’s door.

I shook my head, trying to rid my mind of him, before knocking.

Liam’s relieved expression greeted me, and I vaguely wondered if things hadn’t been going well.

“Hey, Shae, what’s up?” He asked and took a step back to let me in. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at his acting.

“Just checking in on my neighbor,” I said and wondered if I was being too loud.

Liam gave me a look, that said “ _really?”_

I narrowed my eyes at him slightly. I told him I wasn’t good at this.

I followed him into the living room, noting that he had cleaned up, the white tarp gone and a partially completed painting on the easel. Hmm. He must really be trying to impress this girl.

“Hey Shae, this is…”

I turned my gaze from his painting, my heart freezing in my chest as I spotted the figure who had moved to stand next to Liam.

“Trish,” I said and felt my blood run cold.

Liam blinked as he glanced between us. Trish was smiling, her face pleasantly blank. I could see the mark on her neck, as the black shirt she wore was cut low enough to show. Her look was completed with a leather jacket, skinny jeans and a pair of boots. Her curls were pulled into a ponytail, her makeup light and tasteful.

“You two know each other?” He asked, curiously.

_Play it cool, Shae. Think professionally._

Ok. I could do that.

“Oh, we met a few months ago at a club,” I said lightly, keeping my posture relaxed as she moved to sit on a stool further in the room.

Trish smiled using her foot to rotate the stool slightly as she watched me.

“Aw girl, you remember me?” she teased.

I shrugged.

“I’m good with names,” I said, slipping my hands in the back pockets of my jeans. If my hands were out, she’d know I was nervous.

“Cool, cool,” Liam said and glanced at me, his brows raising and gave me a pointed look. Right. He wanted me to chat her up.

Shit. This suddenly seem really stupid.

 “Where’s your boyfriend?” Trish asked suddenly and we both looked at her.

_Lie, Shae. She needs to think he’s here._

“Oh, he’s at home. Taking a shower, I think,” I chirped and smiled at her.

Trish just kept pivoting on the stool slightly, her hands settled loosely in her lap.

“We should do a double date,” she said and smiled sweetly at Liam, “that’d be fun, don’t you think?”

Liam hesitated. He knew Erik didn’t like him and was probably wondering how that affected his chances.

I was too busy trying not to panic. She was calling me on my bluff but kept her gaze on Liam. I wasn’t sure if she knew what I knew, or if she was trying to gauge what I knew by my reactions. Last time she had seen how confused I’d been when she called Erik ‘Killmonger’ so she was either trying to guess if I’d talked to him about it or if I had kept our exchange to myself.

Liam looked at me and I gazed back at him, hoping to convey to him something was wrong with my eyes. His brows furrowed in confusion. Damnit.

“I mean if he’s up to it?” Liam hesitated and looked at Trish. “We can order a pizza or something.”

_Fuck._

“That’s a great idea!” Trish said and clapped her hands together. I was extremely proud that I didn’t jump.

They both looked at me and I smiled weakly.

“Sure, I’ll go see…if he’s um…feeling it,” I said, hoping that I sounded convincing.

______

My heart was racing as I entered my apartment, my hands shaking as I locked the door. I knew Trish was dangerous and it was too convenient that she was here.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” I whispered, pacing. And from what I’d learned from T’challa….

_They knew your name._

Fuck!

What should I do? What could I do?

_Take a deep breath. Stay calm. Think of options._

I didn’t have any weapons, except for the kitchen knives and whatever I found around the house. I had only taken one defense class in college with Alisha, but something told me that it wouldn’t be enough. The only thing I could remember was to stay calm in such situations and stay aware of your surroundings.

_Fuck!_

I wish I had taken Erik up on his offer to teach me some defense moves.

Erik.

I raced to my purse, which I had left when I’d dropped off my groceries. I rummaged until I found my phone, quickly pulling up his name.

I froze for a second, feeling overwhelmed as I stared at his contact on my phone.  

What if he didn’t answer? What if he was angry? What if he was done with me?

What if he didn’t come?

 _Got no choice now, Shae_.

I took a deep breath and pressed dial.

It only took two rings before Erik picked up.

“Yeah?” he said, his voice careful.

The sound of his deep voice had me sinking to the ground, my hand drawn to my mouth as I tried not to cry.

I was terrified, but I had to keep it together.

“E-Erik, it’s me, Shae,” I said and took a deep breath, realizing my voice was shaking.

“I know, princess. What’s wrong?” he was more alert now, having heard the panic in my words and I could hear the beginnings of concern in his voice.

I had missed him. I hadn’t truly understood how much until I heard his voice.

 “I-t’s Trish. She’s here,” I said, and I heard him inhale sharply.

“Where are you?” he asked, his voice calm. I felt he was doing it for me and I was grateful.

“I’m at home…she’s at Liam’s.”

 _Liam_.

Oh God. I’d left her with Liam.

“Shae, stay there. I’m on my way,” he said, and I shook my head, feeling guilt build in my stomach.

She was probably an insane killer and I’d left her with Liam.

Liam who had no idea who she really was….  
  
“I have to help Liam,” I said, and I heard him curse.

“Shae, don’t fucking go over there. You hear me?”

I was staring at the wall, feeling my mind shut down the parts that were overreacting. I had always said, that if I considered someone to be my friend, even someone who I may not be as close as Liam, I had to help them. And the only reason that Trish was here…

 _Focus on what’s needed. Nothing else_.

I was going to be testing my skills of mental control.

“Fuck, Shae, I know what you’re thinkin. Keep yo’ ass at home,” he demanded, and I rose, my eyes darting around my kitchen.

“Don’t tell me what to do, Erik,” I said softly, and he cursed again. I wasn’t sure, but I felt I could hear the sound of a car horn blaring in the background. Erik already drove fast and if he was worried….

“Shit, baby girl, listen to me. Stay away from her. The bitch is crazy…”

“I know,” I snapped, trying not to let the frantic feeling set in. I’d pulled out a knife from my knife block on my counter. No, I didn’t know how to use that and more likely hurt myself. I shook my head again, rummaging through my drawers until I found a long corkscrew. It was less obvious and could still do damage. Maybe. “And she’s here because of me. So, if something happens to Liam, it’s my fault.”

“Princess, please, listen to me,” Erik said, and I paused at the desperation in his voice. I’d never heard him sound like that before.

 _He wants to keep you safe_.

T’Challa’s words echoed in my head and I pressed my lips together as tears welled in my eyes.

_No. No. Keep it together. If not…._

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“I’ll try to stall as long as I can. Don’t be late, ok?” I said, trying to keep my voice light.

“Fuck, Shae, don’t….”

I hung up the phone, trying not to dwell too long on the incredibly stupid fucking decision I was about to make.

____  


When I re-entered Liam’s apartment and stepped into the living room, I found Liam sitting next to Trish on the couch, waving a hand at one of his paintings on the wall. She was rubbing a hand along the back of his neck, smiling up at him as he spoke.

She was good.

They turned when I entered, and I flashed an apologetic smile.

“Sorry, he’s being a bit difficult right now. He’ll be over in a sec.”

_If she thinks he’s not here…_

Liam smiled, before his eyes darted to the corkscrew in my hand.

He raised his brows at me, curious.

I shrugged.

“I remember you said you had a bottle of wine? I wasn’t sure if you needed this?”

Thank God, I had remembered that detail on one of the few times I’d been over.

Liam flashed me a grateful look before nodding.

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” he said and glanced over at Trish, “you like red wine?”

She smiled.

“I love red wine,” she said with a wink and Liam grinned wider.

_Good Lord…_

I kept my gaze on her as Liam wandered into the kitchen, watching as she went to settle on her stool again.

“So, how’s it going?” she asked, beginning to pivot slightly. Her eyes watched me closely, taking in every movement.

I shrugged.

“It’s going,” I said, and she smirked.

I still had the corkscrew gripped in my hand, wondering if I’d be able to use it if I needed to.

_Please get here, Erik._

I hadn’t seen him in a little over a month, hadn’t said a word to him, but he’d answered as soon as I called and hadn’t hesitated as soon as I told him what was wrong.

I wish I was in the situation where I could have time to process what that meant to me.

As it was, all I could do was focus on keeping an eye on Trish as Liam reentered the room, two bottles of wine in his hands.

“So, heads up it’s not the best stuff, but I haven’t had any complaints,” he said and handed a bottle to Trish.

Trish held out her hand to me with a smile.

“Can I borrow that?” she asked, her gaze sliding to the corkscrew and back to my face. There was a hint of challenge in her eyes.

She knew.

 _Fuck_.

I hesitated, and Liam looked at me curiously.

“Oh, I can get it,” I said and took a few steps forward to reach for Liam’s bottle. “It’s a bit harder with these handheld ones sometimes, but Erik showed me a trick.”

Trish’s eyes narrowed slightly, her hand dropping as I expertly opened the bottle. 

 _Nice save, Shae. Keep it up_.

“Do you have any glasses?” I asked, turning to Liam. He winced.

“Shit, sorry, left them in the kitchen.”

“I’ll get them,” I said and smiled. As far as Liam knew, I was just trying to do my best as wing woman.

Why couldn’t I pull out this side in a normal situation?

_Because your life isn’t normally in danger._

Oh right.

I entered the kitchen, grateful that it took me out of their views, so I could take the time to brace myself against the kitchen counter and take a few needed deep breaths.

_Stay calm. Stay calm. He’ll be here soon._

He had to be.

“They’re over the kitchen sink,” Liam called, and I took my last shaky breath in and then out.

“Found them,” I called back and pulled out three glasses, tucking my corkscrew in my other hand.

I walked around the corner and handed Liam the glasses.

What was I doing here? What was she doing here?

As Liam poured the wine, my gaze met Trish’s.

I felt a shiver of fear crawl across my spine at the coldness in her gaze. It mellowed as Liam turned to her and she smiled at him.

She did it so easily. And a small part of it made me think of Erik. I knew how easily he could turn on the charm when he wanted to.

I became the third wheel as the minutes ticked by, Liam feeling apparently comfortable enough to strike up conversation. And it made it easier for me to watch her, hoping that she wouldn’t try anything with Liam there. I wasn’t sure what she was capable of, but the fact that she was playing along so far meant that she had a plan.

I just had no idea what it was.

All the while, I kept the corkscrew gripped in my hand, refusing to set it down. That seemed to amuse her, her gaze darting from it and back to my face when Liam paused to take a sip.

 _Try me, bitch_.

I was growing more angry than scared and I wasn’t sure which was better. I didn’t like being threatened, but the fact that she was involving someone innocent, just to get to me….

 _Had Erik done this_? _Had a job been just like this?_

The thought made me flinch, which I played off as re-shifting from my spot on the couch. She had noticed the movement and smirked slightly again.

A harsh knock had me jumping out of my seat, turning quickly on my heels towards the door.

“I’ll get it,” I called and rushed towards the front door. When I opened it, Erik stood there, wearing a long sleeved black shirt, jeans and combat boots. He looked furious, his fierce gazing peering down at me from through the few dreads that fell over his eyes.

If this had been a different situation, I’d allow myself to dwell on how good he looked. But instead, I found myself grateful for the sight of his powerful body, knowing that he was just as fierce as he looked.  

 “Erik,” I breathed and slumped into his embrace, clinging to him as his arms wrapped around me. “Oh God, Erik….”

He gave me a quick hug before gently placing me to the side, his gaze sweeping the hallway.

“Where is she?” he asked and the coldness in his voice made me shiver.

I nodded towards the living room and he looked back at me. I shook my head before he could say anything.

“Liam,” I said softly, and he kissed his teeth, irritation flashing in his eyes. He knew I wouldn’t leave until I knew Liam was safe.

“Stay behind me,” he said tersely, and I nodded. That I could do.

 

 


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae makes a decision

** Chapter 24 **

My suspicions were confirmed, that Erik could in fact, change his demeanor when he needed to.

When he stepped into the room, his eyes falling on Trish, I wasn’t sure what I had expected him to do. To her credit, Trish barely batted an eye at the sight of Erik and simply gave that smile she had been giving all night. It wasn’t too friendly and wasn’t too cold. I realized it was for Liam’s benefit than anything else.

 _Poor Liam_ , I thought again.

I glanced at him, and his gaze was darting back and forth between Trish and Erik. He was frowning slightly, and I wondered if Liam was feeling slightly jealous.

I walked up and slid my hand into Erik’s, flashing Trish a smile. As far as Liam knew, Trish and Erik didn’t know each other.

“This is Erik. Erik, Trish,” I said, and his hand squeezed mine lightly. It was a comfort and I was reminded how safe I could feel in Erik’s presence.

God, I had missed him.

 “Sup?” Erik said, slipping his free hand in his pocket. It was a very casual move and I wondered who’s benefit it was for.

Trish grinned, her fingers tapping against her stool lightly.

“Hey,” she said, before her eyes slid to me and back to him. Erik’s hand tightened a bit more and I reached up my other hand to squeeze his arm.

Liam tilted his head at me, his brows furrowing.

_Oh, so now you notice something’s off?_

But who was I to judge? I was just as bad as picking up social cues, and even I wouldn’t guess what was up if our roles had been reversed.

But damnit, weren’t artists supposed to pick up energies in the room and shit?

Erik’s gaze slid to Liam.

“You got that ’13 Honda out front?” he asked him. Liam frowned and nodded.

“They ‘bout to tow it.”

Liam’s eyes widened as he went for the door.

“Shit, man, why didn’t you say something sooner?”

“My bad,” Erik said, his eyes going back to Trish.

I watched as Liam left, hearing the front door close behind him.

At the sound of the door shutting. I could _feel_ the energy in the room shift.

“Real clever, Killmonger,” Trish teased still pivoting lightly on her stool. Why did she keep doing that?

“Got some fucking nerve, bitch,” Erik growled, and I glanced at him, taking in the coldness that had entered his eyes again.

Trish hopped up and took a few steps back to keep her distance. She was still smiling, her hands clasped behind her back as she eyed him. She licked her lips.

“Nigga, you still fine as fuck, huh?” she asked, and I twitched.

Her eyes went to me and Erik shifted to block her view.

“The fuck you doin’ here?” he snapped and released my hand. He took a step forward, his hands held loose at his sides.

She pouted at him.

“I was just checking in on an old friend,” she said, and took a few paces so her eyes could find me again. “And see what new toy you’re playing with. She’s cute.”

“And I’m right here,” I muttered, and her grin grew wider.

“Oh, I see you, girl. He doesn’t normally go for….” She paused, her gaze raking my form, “well…soft pieces like you. But you’re feisty, huh? I was just thinking you must have some real sweet pussy to keep Killmonger interested in you for so long,” she said and paused, tilting her head at me, “nice plan with the corkscrew by the way.”

I glared at her, realizing that now that with Erik here, I wasn’t as afraid as I was before. I was still unsure about a lot of things, but deep down I knew that Erik wasn’t going to let her hurt me.

“I’m only gonna tell you once,” Erik said, his voice low, the cold calmness slipping through. It was enough that it made Trish pause. “You come near my girl again, and I will fucking kill you.”

The words held a dark promise to them and I knew that he would do it.

She sneered at him.  

“Fuck you, nigga,” she hissed, her gaze darting to me, “this bitch has made you soft.”

Erik stepped forward again and despite her words, she took a small step back, her brows furrowed as she eyed him. I couldn’t see Erik’s face, but by the way Trish was reacting, I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

“Yeah? You wanna fuckin try me?” he paused and titled his head at her, “bet Mitch won’t be too happy you here, huh? You getting sloppy, girl.”

She stiffened, and Erik chuckled darkly.

“Nah, you ain’t gonna do shit. If he wants me, he can come to me. I know he don’t like getting too many people involved. And this nigga here,” he said, gesturing around the room, “is someone folks will notice if he goes missing.”

Trish wasn’t smiling anymore, her hands clenched at her sides as she glared at him.

I had no idea who Mitch was. But, I was beginning to realize that Erik was trying to protect Liam too.

_Oh, Erik._

“He’s an artist, who’ll fuckin’ miss him?” she shot back.

“He teaches classes on campus,” I said, and her cold gaze shifted to me. I didn’t back down. “And he’s really popular on campus too. A lot of people like his work.”

I had no idea if that was true. As far as I knew Liam was still self-employed, but he _had_ mentioned something about work on campus recently.

I paused.

“And it’s rude to assume that artists aren’t important enough to miss,” I added for good measure. Very subtly, Erik shifted to give me a look over his shoulder.

I raised my brows slightly.

What? It was rude.

He shook his head slightly and I knew it meant for me to shut up.

“So, what’s it gonna be? I can handle this shit right here,” Erik said, refocusing on Trish. He slid his hands into his pockets, seemingly unbothered by the whole thing. It was interesting to watch, because a look of uncertainty slid through Trish’s eyes.

_She must have seen the shit he’s capable of._

I didn’t let myself dwell on that thought too long.

Trish didn’t answer, and it was only a second later that front door opened. I shifted so I could see Liam walking in, an irritated look on his face.

He glared at Erik.

“Didn’t see shit out there,” he complained. “Who said they were towing?”

Erik shrugged and didn’t answer, and I watched as the irritation on Liam’s face grew. A tense silence descended upon the room and I shifted from one foot to the other, feeling anxious again. 

“Well, this is a bit awkward,” I joked, wincing as all eyes turned to me. “Umm…maybe Erik and I should just catch you guys later?”

Trish’s lips curved down into the pout. Apparently, she wasn’t done playing.

“Are you sure? I’d love to get to know you better,” she said, and smiled at me.

Liam glanced at me and I could tell he was ready for us to leave. Apparently, the night wasn’t going how he wanted.

_Trust me, I’m doing you a favor._

“Yeah, sorry, I’ve got a busy day ahead,” I said and met Liam’s gaze. “Could I talk to you for a sec?”

I couldn’t leave him here with Trish. It was the whole point that I came back over. And even now I wasn’t sure she wouldn’t try something with him.

Liam frowned but nodded.

“Yeah, sure,” he said and motioned for me to follow him to the kitchen. I spared a brief glance at Erik, my eyes pleading.

 _Please get rid of her_.

Erik tilted his head at me slightly and I hurried after Liam.

____  
  
“Shit, this night is not going as fucking planned,” Liam groused and rubbed a hand over his face as he leaned against his counter. “And what’s up with him fucking with me like that? I knew he had issues with me, but damn….”

“I’m sorry, I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose,” I said, patting his arm. “But I don’t think Trish is good for you.”

Liam dropped his hand, so he could look at me. “Why?”

I hesitated, knowing that I would have to come up with a good enough excuse to divert Liam’s interest. Shit, what makes guys not want to date girls anymore?

Oh.

“Well, I was talking to her when you went downstairs and well, some red flags went off.”

“Like what?”

I hated doing this. It was easy for men to do, and I didn’t like painting a woman as crazy because guys did it enough on their own but….

 “She kept asking how much money you made and kept saying that she was so ready to settle down and start a family…”

An uncomfortable look slid across his face and I pushed on. Crap, I hoped this worked.

“And she was saying how she’d moved out here cause her last boyfriend couldn’t past state lines to track her. I mean, like, I think she might have a stalker you know?

I paused, watching as Liam looked at me warily.

“And then she flirted with Erik, right in front of me!” I added, trying to show how insulted I was. His brows furrowed slightly.

_Reel it in, Shae. Don’t make it sound too crazy._

“Anyway, just some really concerning stuff she was talking about when you walked out and honestly, I think it’s a sign that maybe she isn’t the one for you.”

Liam was frowning at me, his head tilted slightly as he thought.

“I mean…. I guess she did seem a bit off…” he muttered, and I nodded eagerly.

It shouldn’t be that easy to make someone believe something like that, but maybe Liam’s gut feeling wasn’t as far off as I thought.

“Yeah, I know right? Trust me on this, you know I’ve studied this stuff. I can tell when a person’s off…”

Liam’s eyes lightened on that and he nodded.

“Well fuck,” he muttered, and I felt another wave of sympathy.

 _This is all my fault_.

Liam stood up straighter and let out a sigh.

“I guess I gotta figure out a way to get rid of her now,” he said, and I felt triumph.

 _This is for your own good_.

“I’m sure we can come up with something,” I offered, and he gave me a small smile.

___

When we entered the living room again, Trish was nowhere to be found. Liam raised his brows.

“Where’d she go?” he asked Erik, who had been studying a painting on a wall. His posture was still casual, still showing that nothing was wrong.

Well damn. He was good too.

“Said she had to head home or something,” he answered with a shrug. His gaze slid to me. I tried conveying my gratitude to him through my eyes and he nodded slightly.

“Well, I guess that takes care of that,” I said, turning to Liam. “See? All things considered, it wasn’t your first horrible date in a while right?”

 I was trying to be encouraging, hoping to make him feel better. Liam winced and spared a glance at Erik.

I raised my brows.

“What? Oh, that’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” I assured him, and Erik snickered slightly. I shot him a look.

“It’s fine, Shae,” Liam sighed. “I guess I’m just glad you were here to look out.” 

He grinned slightly.

“And you’re not that bad for a wing woman.”

If only he knew.

_________

It wasn’t until I was in my apartment again, Erik closing the door behind us before my body started shaking.

My brain was finally catching up to what had just happened, and I could feel the beginnings of an attack coming on.

_Oh shit, oh shit!_

I didn’t make it to the couch, before I started gasping, clutching at my shirt, twisting my fingers in the material as I sunk to my knees.

_She had found me. They had found me._

I was still shaking, my vision blurred as I tugged off my glasses to let the tears fall unbidden.

_And she had threatened someone who had nothing to do with this…_

“It’s all my fault,” I gasped, “it’s all my fault.”

Strong arms wrapped around me and Erik drew me to him. He settled so that I was in his lap, tucking me in the familiar position as he rested his hand on my breastbone lightly.

“Breathe,” he commanded, and I made another pitiful sound.

“It’s my fault,” I repeated, feeling my self grow dizzy. I gasped again, hating how it felt like my lungs weren’t working. “It’s my fault.”

“Stop thinking, Shae,” he said, his deep voice low and soothing. “I’m right here, baby girl. Just breathe.”

 _I’m right here_.

“C-can you say that again?” I gasped out and his arms tightened slightly.

“I’m right here,” he said, and I clutched at his forearms, my fingers digging into his skin through the material of the shirt. “I’m right here, princess. Just breathe.”

I wiped at the tears before closing my eyes and leaning against him.

Deep breathe in. Hold. Let out slow. Repeat. I mimicked the rise and fall of his chest behind me.

All the while Erik held me, rubbing small circles in my back as I struggled to catch my breath. When I could finally breathe without gasping, I tilted my head into his neck.

“You came,” I said softly, feeling the tears well up again. “After everything, you came.”

Erik pressed his lips to my forehead.

“Told you, princess. Ain’t gonna let no one hurt you.”

I bit my lip and slid out of his arms to look at him more fully. Dark brown eyes studied me.

“You good?”

I nodded, and he helped me to my feet before taking a step back. We stared at each other and I let out another breath.

A flicker of emotion passed through his eyes, before he turned from me, walking towards the door.

“Where are you going?” I asked, feeling a momentary touch of panic.

He paused and glanced at me.

“Giving you space,” he said simply, and I blinked at him.

“I... what?”

“That’s what you wanted,” he clarified, and I stared at him.

“Y-yeah…but you came…”

“I’ll always come, princess. You call me, I’ll come.”

His words had me taking another step towards him.

“Erik,” I said and paused. He was simply stood looking at me, his face neutral. But it was the look in his eyes that had me remembering my dream.

The Erik in my dream had the same sadness in his eyes.

“ _My pops said we were lost…abandoned here…”_

“ _My pops was right….”_

And there was that feminine voice again…too powerful for me to forget.

_Help him… he is lost._

There are moments in a person’s life when they have to come to terms with the fact that, no matter how fucked up the world is, it’s on them to make decisions for themselves. We’re all responsible for ourselves and the choices we make, no matter how hard the world can be. And I knew that given everything Erik had done, that I could hold it against him. That I could justify letting him go because of his past and the things had done, the people who’s lives he had taken. It wasn’t my job to save him and I didn’t have to do anything, didn’t need to put the responsibility on myself to be there for him.

_All they need is one chance…_

“Don’t go,” I said softly, and his hands clenched at his sides.

No, I didn’t have to. I didn’t have to invite the danger that came with him. I didn’t have to forgive him for the things he’d done, even if I knew the reason behind why. I had been patient with him, given him so much leeway to hold back things from me, let him stay in his pain even when all I wanted was to see him, the real him.

_Love is hard._

I had never been in love before. I had heard so many stories of heartbreak, of people’s love falling apart, of things coming between them. And yes, Erik’s past was a big fucking mark on our relationship. He had done things, things that I couldn’t fathom, all in the hopes of righting a hand that he’d felt had been given to him unfairly.

_I believe N’Jadaka must be allowed to right his wrongs as well._

Erik was watching me, seemingly patient as I mulled through my thoughts. It struck me as another reason why I cared about him. He knew that I was trying to come to terms with what I was feeling, and he was willing to wait.

Erik wasn’t perfect…no definitely not, but I had never felt more of myself when I was with him. I could be myself, could think for myself, could be scared or panicked and he’d be right there.

 _Ain’t gotta do this shit alone, princess_.

_Baby girl, you ain’t got no idea how much of a fucking queen you are._

I lifted my gaze to meet his eyes, my arms rising to hug myself. 

“Do you love me?” I asked him, and he blinked.

_If he loves you and you love him…_

Erik’s brows furrowed as he gazed at me.

“Always, princess,” he said, and I felt my lips tremble.

_Don’t do this commitment shit…._

_Don’t like people…don’t need anyone…._

_There’s nothing for me here…._

If he could admit that and so easily, his eyes looking at me with such sincerity…

_I think you underestimate how important you are to him…_

“Erik,” I whispered, and I stepped towards him until I could lay my forehead on his chest. “Don’t go.”

 _Help him…he is lost_.

Erik’s arms wrapped around me and he hugged me to him as I cried quietly.

“Stop cryin’, Shae,” he murmured even as he hugged me tighter.

_You can’t change people, but sometimes you can be the reason people want to change for themselves._

“Can’t help it,” I whispered, and he pressed a kiss to my forehead.

No, I didn’t have to do anything. I could let him go. It’d be hard, and it’d take time for me to heal, but I could let Erik go.

_Help him…he is lost._

But I didn’t want to. I had told him I could see him. That I could see the man deep down who was struggling to break free of the fractured pieces of his heart. I had been the one to tell him that he could be more than the world made him to be, more than what he thought he could be.

_“There are so many people in this world that have only felt cruelty and pain, so that’s the only world they know. But they only need one chance. One chance to know what it is to love, truly feel love. One chance to come back from what they’ve done, so they can do better. Be better. Not everybody can give that chance and not everybody thinks they deserve it.”_

I still believed in Erik. I knew his past, but I still believed in him. I had seen too much of who he could be, the person who’d he could have become if the world hadn’t made that choice for him.

And what had Ms. Janice said?

_“If you love that boy and you think he loves you, you’re going to have to show him…. give him one more chance to be more than who he was. He may not take it, but you’ll never feel right if you don’t let him try. At least once.”_

I had gone this far. I was willing to give Erik one more chance.

Like I said, I was a believer in second chances, no matter how hard they could be.

 

 

 

 


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae sets out her terms.

** Chapter 25  **

“I think,” I said as Erik entered my bedroom, “that it’s probably time for you to tell me everything.”

He had been on the phone in the living room, speaking to T’Challa about what had happened tonight. It had been nice that’d he’d answered that question when I asked him. I had dressed for bed during his conversation, comforted by the familiar routine as I dressed in just a night shirt and sleep shorts, completing my routine by washing and moisturizing my face.  

It had been a long fucking day and normalcy was a relieving change of pace.

“Ok,” he said as he sat on the end of my bed.

My brows raised as I stared at him and he gave me a mild look.

“What?”

“I…that was just, kind of easy,” I said, and he sighed.

“Had some time to think when you left me,” he said, and I shifted slightly. He noticed the movement and inclined his head. “Ain’t mad at you, princess.”

I hated that’d he guessed what I was thinking. I had every right to handle things as I did, but still….

I was becoming aware that Erik’s shields may not be as strong when it came to me and it wasn’t something I was quite sure I could process yet.

 _He just wants to keep you safe_.

I worried my bottom lip and watched as Erik’s eyes flickered to the movement. It reminded me of my dream…

I released it and his lips twitched slightly.

“So how do you want to do this?” I asked, and he shrugged.

“Same as always,” he said and there was a hint of mirth in his voice.

Oh. So, I got to ask my questions then.

“Umm....how’ve you been?” I asked, and he gave me a look. It was silly, but even though it had only been a month….it was odd being away from him so long…

“I’ve been…ok, “I said when he didn’t say anything. “I started to listen to SZA. Oh and an artist called H.E.R.”

Erik raised a brow, amusement flickering in his gaze.

“They were really matching my mood at the time. Sort of,” I said, and Erik took in a breath.

And abruptly started laughing.

I eyed him, watching as he leaned forward to brace himself on his knees, shaking his head. When he sat up, he was rubbing a hand through his hair.

 “Shit, ma. I missed you,” he said, and I felt a twinge in my chest.

“I missed you too,” I admitted, and he quieted to look at me.

“Yeah?”

I nodded and drew my legs to my chest before patting the spot on the bed beside me.

“You can stay,” I said, and he titled his head slightly.

I didn’t blame him for hesitating. I had basically cut him off with no contact for more than a month. And even more interesting, there was no complaining and no anger in his eyes as he just looked at me. Things were going to have to change, definitely, but I was feeling patient right now.

He’d come for me…had been a source of protection and had gone out of his way to ensure Liam was okay too.

_He cares more for you than you think._

I heaved a sigh.

“Please?”  I said softly and only then did he move.

It wasn’t a surprise to me that I was still very much attracted to Erik. I watched appreciatively as he pulled off his shirt and unbuckled his jeans, feeling a familiar warmth grow in my lower belly.

My body didn’t seem to care that my mind was still trying to make some decisions on our relationship.

Even as my eyes noted the scars, the scars that now had a new meaning to them, I found that they didn’t shake me as much as I’d thought they would.

Hadn’t I accepted a long time ago that the scars were a part of Erik? I knew I was on my way of accepting him, all of him, but still…things really did need to change.

Erik slid into bed next to me and I turned to him, realizing how touch craved I was for him. Laying on my side, I reached for him and he pulled me into his arms without hesitation.

There were so many things that I wanted to say, questions I needed him to answer, steps we needed to take.

But my life had been in danger mere hours ago, and Erik had come for me. Had kept his promise to protect me, even though I had pushed him away. Maybe I was still running on adrenaline…maybe I was just hungry for him and craving his touch….

I tangled my fingers in his hair as I kissed him deeply.

 _Don’t think, just feel. Don’t think, just feel_.

I let my hands wander down to stroke along the smooth skin of his neck, before brushing lightly along his shoulders. My fingers brushed along his keloid scars and my breath hitched slightly.

 _Don’t_ ….

Erik shifted over me, nipping lightly at my throat, shifting so he was lying between my legs. It was a passive position, his hands lightly stroking along my sides. I let my fingers shift to trace along his shoulders, my fingers pressing lightly against the soft skin of each scar I felt.

_One, two, three…._

Erik’s fingers tugged up my nightshirt and I paused to let him lift it over my head. His warm hands cupped my breasts, teasing the nipples lightly before he drew one into his mouth. My back arched slightly, and I let my hands resume their previous pattern.

_Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-five…._

Erik’s traced his tongue between the valley of my breasts before his lips wrapped around my other nipple, biting down slightly.

I gasped as my fingers twitched, and it took a second before I could continue counting.

_Forty-three, forty-four, forty-five…_

His lips traced the swell of my breast, before he moved down, his tongue tracing a path to my belly button.

_One-hundred thirty-five, One-hundred thirty-six…_

He nipped at the soft flesh of my belly, fingers stroking lightly along my hips. I hadn’t worn underwear to bed and part of me wondered if that had been a subconscious choice. Even with as distracted as my mind was, I could feel the wetness between my legs.

 He dipped his tongue in my belly button and I squirmed slightly, my gaze lifting to train on the ceiling. I was to his upper back now…my fingers noting a few scars that were a bit longer than others.

Had he been angry then? Still new at doing it?

_Two-hundred and forty-five, Two-hundred and forty-six…_

Erik rested his chin on my stomach, his dark eyes watching me.

“2,500,” he said, and my fingers stilled.

I peered down to meet his gaze, my brows furrowing.

“Huh?”

He tilted his head, drawing my arm to his lips to place a kiss on my wrist.

“That’s how many scars. 2,500,” he said simply, holding my gaze as he kissed my arm again.

Oh. Of course, he had known what I was doing.

 _Every one’s for a kill_.

I let my eyes drift back to the ceiling.

“Do you remember all of them?” I asked softly, feeling him drop a kiss to my palm.

“Yeah.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Hold for three seconds. Let it out for three seconds longer. Repeat.

The weight of Erik on my stomach actually helped, forcing me to let my breath out longer on the exhale.

All the while, he peppered my skin with kisses, aware of my internal struggle.

I could do this. I’d spent the last few weeks struggling through this, coming to terms to the fact that the man I’d loved had killed….

“2,500,” I repeated softly, my eyes closing to process my thoughts better. 

In my clinical trials, I had worked with a few people who were working through some really dark shit. Hell, Erik had been there for some days when I came home, my mind trying to work through it, trying to separate the things I heard from the people that told it to me. Trying to provide guidance for people who felt they’d never be forgiven, never be accepted.

I opened my eyes to meet Erik’s gaze, those brown eyes watching me intently.

_All they need is one chance…_

_A chance to right their wrongs…._

“Does it bother you?” I asked, and Erik’s thumb circled my wrist lightly.

“I’m working through it,” he said honestly.

That…that was something I could work with.

Remorse was better than apathy.

“How?”

Erik tilted his head to place another kiss against my stomach. It was interesting to notice, but I think Erik was touch starved for me too.

“They got a….center in Wakanda. Built for shit like this,” he said, and I wiggled slightly as he nipped the skin below my belly button.

“Like rehabilitation?” I asked softly.

“Yeah.”

I hesitated, stroking a hand through his hair.

“Did they drug you?” I asked, thinking of some of the techniques they’d use here.

Erik snorted.

“Nah. One a whole other level than the shit they try here. That’s why I go back sometimes.”

“To Wakanda? For what? Therapy sessions?” I asked, intrigued. Erik’s lips twitched slightly. He knew I’d enjoy learning about these things.

“Sort of.”

I gave him a look and he shook his head lightly.

“It’s hard to explain…they don’t think of stuff the way they do here. It’s more involved.”

I thought of the research I read that said that they combined spiritual and traditional practices with science.

“That…sounds really interesting…” I said, knowing a part of me was getting off track.

Erik grinned at me.

“Thought you might like that.”

I lifted my gaze to the ceiling, still stroking a hand through his hair.

“And it helps?”

“Yeah.”

I glanced down at him briefly.

“Did you go back when we went on a break?” I asked, thinking of how spread out his calls had been. Erik arched a brow slightly and I silently wondered if he’d considered our time apart as break.

Or maybe he was surprised that I did.

“Yeah, after the second week,” he said and frowned slightly, “my cousin decided to bug the fuck out me every fucking day. Telling me to be more open and shit if I wanted to….” He trailed off and shook his head.

“Damn that nigga is annoying as fuck,” he muttered under his breath. I twitched, and Erik eyed me.

“What?”

I looked at him innocently.

“Nothing.”

Erik narrowed his eyes slightly.

He pinched my side and I yelped.

“Erik,” I whined.

“What did you do?” he demanded.

I bit my lip and glanced to the side, letting my eyes rest on my phone on the bed stand.

“I may have…um…called him…”

“How the fuck did you get his number?” he asked, a hint of irritation entering his voice.

Hmm…. Some things never changed. 

“He sent me an email about the Outreach Center position and left it on there,” I said and let my gaze return to Erik. He gave me a look, waiting for me to continue.

“I was really worried and confused about you, Erik. And I figured T’Challa was the only one who I could talk to about you, try to understand you. And he told me…. well, he talked to me about what happened in Brazil,” I paused and looked at him accusingly, “and how you had wanted to die, before he saved you.”

“Fucking nosy ass nigga,” he snapped and shifted off of me, “he talks too fucking much.”

“He helped,” I said, and Erik paused. “Seriously, Erik, talking to T’Challa, it helped me when I was trying to figure out how I felt about you.” 

Erik studied me carefully and I glanced down at my hands, finding comfort in twisting my bedsheets slightly.

“I had a lot to think about and got some good advice.”

And the dream. I could remember the dream again.

It was so odd how vividly I could remember that dream.

I shook my head and looked at him.

“And then you came for me without hesitating. And you helped protect Liam,” I said, letting the genuine gratitude I felt fill my voice. “Thank you.”

Erik sighed, shifting so he could lie more fully on his back.  

“That nigga still gets on my fucking nerves. Ain’t got no sense for danger,” he muttered.

I tilted my head at him.  

  
“I guess I don’t either, huh?” I joked, but Erik gave me a serious look.

 

“Shae, I’ve done some fucked up shit. Shit I didn’t want to tell you about…” he trailed off, his brows furrowing as he glared up at the ceiling. “Fuck, baby girl, I didn’t want you to be a part of this.”

 

I gazed at him, realizing that my sense of shock over his past was becoming less pronounced.

 

“Is that why you took so long to tell me?” I asked softly, reaching a hand over to stroke his arm.

 

He paused, before rubbing hand across his brow.

 

“Yeah.”

 

That was…. that I could forgive.

 

_He just wants to keep you safe._

Hearing the thought over and over in my head was making this all easier. It was still fucked up, but it made it easier. There were still more things to work out but…

 

“Tell me about this Mitch person,” I said, and Erik’s eyes drifted to me. I could see the hesitation in his eyes.

 

“Erik, I’m involved now, whether we like it or not. So, I need to know what I’m dealing with.”

  
Thinking about it this way was easier. It was another problem that needed to be solved. And to solve the problem, I need to know all the pieces to the puzzle.

 

“And if I let you into my life again, knowing what I know and the danger that comes with it….”

 

I took a deep breath. How many times had I been lying in bed with him, just like this, with an ultimatum prepared?

 

“If we’re going to be together, really be together, you have to tell me everything. Even when I ask and sometimes when I don't think to. You have to give me time to think about things and you have to try a bit more with me, work with me.”

 

I held his gaze, hoping to convey how serious I was through my eyes.

 

“I’m willing to accept you, all the parts of you, because you’ve accepted me. But you can’t hold back anymore, no matter how much you think I might not like it. So, when I ask you something, you have to tell me everything, ok?”

 

I had expected a lot of things. I expected him to get angry or annoyed. To be evasive and snap at me for doing too much.

 

Instead, Erik’s lips twitched as he studied me. I raised my brows, not sure if I should be annoyed or confused by his reaction.  

 

“What?”

 

“If you weren’t…” he paused, huffing out a small laugh as he shook his head slightly, “shit, princess. I was wrong about you.” 

I gave him a confused look.

“What do you mean?”

He gave me a lopsided grin as he traced his finger down my cheek.

“I said you were soft,” he said, his eyes searching my face, “but damn, girl you a real one.”

 

 

 


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae's life is entering a new phase.

** Chapter 26  **

So Erik told me everything. Every question I asked came with an answer and even when I could tell he struggled through some parts of his story, he seemed determined to try.   

It wasn’t all surprising that Erik was a tactician.  Apparently, Mitch was the leader of a small mercenary group who had been essential to the takedown of a ruler in some country in the Middle East and Erik’s reputation as Killmonger had put him on his radar. Erik’s skills were something they needed, so Mitch had approached him to join their group for the job.

Mitch’s group also had connections in the black-market trade and with a man named Klaue in particular. It was that connection alone that had Erik agreeing to work with them. And once he’d made contact with Klaue, there had been an issue of determining who Erik’s loyalty lied with. Klaue had stake in the leader that the mission’s objective was to overthrow, and Erik had to play a hand in ensuring that Mitch’s group mission wasn’t successful. He’d needed Klaue’s trust more than he did Mitch’s group. Trish had been a member of the group along with two others and they hadn’t taken the betrayal well.

“What about Trish?” I asked, when I really wanted to ask if she was an old fling.

Erik tilted his head at me, studying me carefully.

“Her brother was a part of the group,” he said, “he died when shit went down.”

Oh.

My eyes flickered to his arm and back to meet his eyes. He shook his head.

“Didn’t kill him,” he said, and I wondered if this was a conversation that I would find myself having with him often.

“But she blames you?”

“All of them do,” he said simply. “They went rogue when it went south and lost contact with me.”

“Which means?” I said, knowing that this was a topic I wasn’t familiar with.

“Couldn’t track me,” he clarified, “not surprised it took them as long as it did to find me now.”

He frowned, still lying on his back, his gaze trained on the ceiling.

“Had to be trying too if they found you,” he said lowly, and I could hear the fury in his voice again.

Erik didn’t like being threatened. And to him, coming after me was a direct challenge.

He let out a breath slowly.

“Good thing my cuz is good for something,” he muttered begrudgingly.

I blinked at him, curious. He must be referring to T’Challa.

“What do you mean?”

Erik’s gaze slid to me, but he said nothing.

My eyes narrowed.

“Erik…”

He let out a breath.

“I asked T to have some people keep an eye on you and your friends after that night. I knew if Trish was around she might try to start shit.”

I could feel my heart pounding as I stared at him.

“So, this whole time,” I said and blinked as my mind reeled. “Erik, were you watching me this whole time?”

“Yeah.”

He had never really left. Erik had given me my space, but he had made sure that I was looked after. And he’d made sure Alisha and Monica had been ok, too?

And the phone call with T’Challa…. had the King given me his number on purpose? Had he hoped I’d call him, so he could talk to me about Erik?

“What about earlier…when Trish…” I started, watching his face carefully.

His fingers tightened on my arm.

“I knew. We would have sent someone else, but you called me….”

I crushed my lips to his, cutting off his words.

He’d protect me, even if he couldn’t do it himself, Erik would have made sure I was safe. No matter how much I’d push him away…. he would….

I kissed him deeply, my fingers stroking down his arms as I moved to straddle him. Erik’s hand slid to my waist, before curving to cup my ass.

“I love you,” I whispered as I drew my lips away to press against his neck. “I’m so sorry…”

If I had been more patient with him, more understanding instead of panicking….

Erik rolled us over, his hands still gripping my ass.

“Don’t,” he growled as he braced himself above me, “don’t start that shit.”

The words were so familiar it had me giving him a weak smile.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

My smile faltered as I blinked up at him in shock.

“What did you say?” I asked him, staring into his dark brown eyes. He grimaced.

“I said I’m sorry,” he said again, slowly as if to make sure I heard his words.

I blinked again.

Erik never apologized. The most I had ever heard was a “my bad.”

“For what?” I asked, wondering how far he’d go. Erik shifted, not quite placing his full weight on top of me.

“Should have…shit…” he muttered and tried again. “…I should have told you all this shit earlier,” he said and pressed his lips against my neck. “Princess, I’ve damn near lost everything.” He shifted so he could trace his lips further down, his hands coming to stroke down my sides.

“I ain’t losing you too.”

I stared up at the ceiling, my heart hammering in my chest. I’d never hear him sound like that, never hear the genuine sincerity, the remorse in his tone.

I definitely wanted to know more about Wakanda’s rehabilitation techniques. It had been slow building, but Erik had made more progress than any of the clients I had seen.

Good Lord, he was making this easier for me, wasn’t he?

I titled his head up, so I could look him in the eyes. I wanted to make sure he heard every word I said.

“I’m not happy about the things you’ve done… And I’ll have to keep working through that and it won’t be easy for a while.”

He didn’t say anything, and I continued.

“Erik, the only thing I do know is that I love you. And love isn’t always the best thing to fall on, but…I’ve never been with anyone who…just accepts me for all I am. Doesn’t judge me for being weird or shy or just myself.”

I had told him this already, but I wanted him to understand how much it meant to me. I knew in my own way; how lonely this world could be.

_One chance… show him how to love…._

“I’m just letting you know that I will likely be annoying as fuck for the next few weeks. Possibly months, I don’t know,” I sighed.

Erik snorted.

“Shit, I been done known that,” he said, a hint of humor in his voice.

I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Thin ice, babe. Thin fucking ice,” I warned him, and he titled his head at me, a hint of wry humor in his eyes.

 “I know, Shae,” he said seriously. “I know I’ve done shit you ain’t happy about. I ain’t gonna tell you it’ll be easy with me.”

I was my turn to snort as I raised my brows.

“Hell, _I_ knew that,” I muttered eying him. “I’m not with you because it’s easy, Erik, I’m with you because I love you. It’s real and messed up and I guess a part of me knows that being with you will give me something in life I couldn’t have with anyone else.”

He raised his brows at me and I shrugged.

“What’s the point of living life, if you don’t really live it? My momma said once, that we need pain. Pain reminds us we can die, that nothing lasts forever.”

“Everybody dies,” he murmured, studying me, “that’s just life.”

I nodded. “And once we know what it’s like to die a little, that’s only when we can really live.”

Erik gazed down at me, that look of wonder in his eyes again. My hands slid to his shoulders and he leaned down to place a kiss to my lips. It was a chaste one, just a light pressing of his lips to mine.

He pulled away, those dark eyes of his watching me carefully.

“I’ll try, princess,” he said, stroking a hand up to cup my face. “For you, I’ll try.”

I gave him my brightest smile and for the first time in a long time, I felt the familiar warmth in my chest.

_____

“I’m so sorry for the mess, your majesty,” I said as I nudged a roll of bubble wrap out of the way, “but I’m in the midst of packing right now and I guess we’re on a strict schedule.”

T’Challa inclined his head at me as he reached down to tug a box out of the way, so I wouldn’t trip over it.

“There’s no need to be so formal, Shae,” he said, that gentle smile on his lips. “I have told you, you can call me T’Challa.”

I glanced at him, feeling sheepish as I looked at him. He was dressed casually in a black t-shirt, designer jeans and shoes. He wore a fanged necklace around his neck and I had been curious, but too polite to ask about it. Definitely must be a family trait that these men could wear the simplest outfits and still look good.

“Well, I just wanted to say thank you, your…T’Challa,” I said, hoping he understood how much I meant the words.

It had three days since I let Erik back in my life, but I felt like things had gone well so far.

Erik had kept his word, answering my questions and keeping me updated on things. I let him see how happy being included made me.

I was still trying to come to terms to his past, but I was realizing, that just like T’Challa had said, acceptance was truly the best way to forgive someone.

And I knew Ms. Janice was right too. I did love Erik and I used that love to keep me focused, keep me grounded in the fact that as long as Erik was willing to try for himself, I was willing to try and accept him, all of him.

I stepped towards T’Challa and pulled him into a hug before I lost my nerve. I felt relief when he returned it after a brief pause, patting my back lightly.

T’Challa must know better than anyone how hard it is to accept someone who had done wrongs and still love them anyway.

“Thank you,” I said softly, and he gave me a slight squeeze.

“The fuck is this shit?” I heard an irritated voice say behind me.

T’Challa stepped away from with a chuckle, titling his head at his cousin.

“Shae was just saying thank you,” he said, raising a challenging brow at Erik.

Erik’s brown eyes shifted to me and I looked at him pointedly. 

He let out a huff.

“Thanks, T,” he said, eyes narrowing slightly as T’Challa grinned at him.

It was fun to watch them interact. Erik made it seem like he didn’t like his cousin, but I knew that if Erik was willing to put up with your teasing, it was a sign that he liked you. Or at least tolerated you.

I was getting good at Erik speak, something that I was quite proud. 

I beamed at him and he rolled his eyes. His lips twitched slightly as he turned away though and I spared a brief glance at T’Challa.

We both shared an amused smile.

“Ya’ll getting too comfortable,” Erik muttered under his breath, before picking up a box.

T’Challa huffed out a small laugh, before picking up the box he’d previously moved out of the way. I blinked at them. I knew for a fact that all of my books had been packed up and those were some thick books. I had been worried about how to get some of this stuff to the truck, but they picked them up like they weighed nothing.

“Aren’t those heavy?” I asked and they both looked at each other.

“Nah,” Erik said finally, and I had that itch in my mind that I was missing something.

I eyed him suspiciously and he just grinned at me. 

Hmm…

No, I didn’t feel like asking. At least not right now. 

“This it?” Erik asked, and I blinked at him. All of my packed items had been moved to the truck, except for these few boxes. But…

“Babe, I still have all this furniture,” I said, glancing around the room.

“My place….” He paused and titled his head at me, “our place has furniture.”

Oh. That was….

I smiled at him, before shaking my head slightly.

“Even still, Ms. Vivian can’t get this all out herself if we leave it.”

“I will take care of it,” T’Challa interjected casually. He was still holding my box with no hint of strain. “It may put them off for a while, if the place still looks occupied.”

That’s right.

Neither Trish nor anyone from Mitch’s group had shown up since that day, but Erik didn’t want to take a chance. T’Challa had agreed and they had made arrangements to move me out to Oakland, which had surprised me with how quickly they were able to take care of things.

It was another reminder that I was in a relationship with a member of a royal family, but also a royal family that was probably the richest in the world. And now I was moving across the country to a city I’d never been before and take the next step in a relationship with someone whom, although I loved, was a part of some scary shit. 

I fiddled with my bracelet, the one with Wakandan etchings that I still couldn’t read, and tried not to dwell too hard on that.

Erik studied me for a moment, before he inclined his head at his cousin.

“We’ll catch up. The rest of her stuff is already on the truck.”  

T’Challa spared me a brief glance and nodded.

“The plane is available whenever you’re ready,” he said, and Erik nodded.

_Plane?_

My fingers fiddled faster, carefully pressing against the engravings.

“Thanks,” Erik said and T’Challa grinned at him again. Erik rolled his eyes.

I couldn’t help the small smile that formed at the exchange.

_____

Erik settled his box on the ground and moved to the couch near me.

“Come here.”

I paused for a second before I walked towards him to slid into his lap. He leaned back against the cushions, one arm resting around my waist.

“Having second thoughts?”

I blinked at him, before shaking my head.

No. I wasn’t, but I was being hit with the realization that my life was changing so quickly. I was happy that Erik had shared everything with me, really, I was but….

“Talk to me, princess,” Erik said, his hand starting to rub a soothing circle in my back.

I gazed at him, my eyes searching his own. I wanted to be strong and some days it was harder to be than others….

 “I’m scared, Erik,” I said softly, and he pulled me so that I was resting my head on his chest, his hands continuing to stroke that soothing pattern.

“I’m just…I want everything to turn out ok. For you to be ok and for me to be ok,” I said. “And it’s all so new, everything just feels like it’s happening so fast. I mean, don’t get me wrong I’m excited about it, it’s just a lot and I never thought of myself as someone who doesn't like change….” I was babbling, the words tumbling out now.

“But these are some pretty big changes. I’ve never lived with anyone before, I mean not someone I was in a relationship with…”

  
“We damn near live together now,” he pointed out and I paused.

 

Oh. Erik did spend most of his time at my place, at least before….

I leaned back so I could see his face.

“Are you ok with all of this? With how I handled things?”

He frowned.

“Whatchu mean?”

I reached a hand down to stroke along his wrist, my gaze following the movement.

“How I freaked out when you told me everything.”

It had been something that had been on my mind since we’d gotten back together. And I knew a part of it stemmed from the fact that I had spent so much time assuring him that I’d loved him and that I’d accept all parts of him when he was hesitant to open up to me, and when he finally did….

I had bailed, too frightened by the reality of it. It had made me feel like a fraud, even as the other part of me told me it was justified and that I shouldn’t feel guilty.

I still felt that I should have been better, should have been more composed and understanding, because after all I had been preparing for these types of things…

“Shae,” Erik said, titling my head back up, so I had to meet his gaze, “how many times I gotta tell you to stop worrying about stupid shit.”

“But…”

“I haven’t made it easy for you, ma,” he said, and my eyes widened slightly.

It was the same thing he’d said to me in my dream….

“Never had people who wanted to look out for me without wanting something, “he continued, not noticing my startled look, his gaze having gone to a spot on the wall behind me.

“And it scared me,” he admitted slowly, as if the words were hard to say, “that all you wanted from me was just that…me. Ain’t used to that shit and it still…”

He grimaced and rubbed a hand across his chest, his brows furrowing.

I sat patiently, giving him time to come to terms with his thoughts.

I was impressed though…Erik didn’t share what he felt easily and watching him struggle through it made me feel proud of him.

He let out a breath and finally looked at me.

 “Part of me didn’t expect you to put up with me as long as you did. Damn sure didn’t expect you to take me back as quick as you did…”

I gazed at him and reached my hand up to cover his on his chest. I linked our fingers together as we studied each other.

“Shit still ain’t right with me, princess. May not be for a while,” he admitted, and I squeezed his hand lightly.

“I know,” I said and that look of wonder passed in his eyes again.

He shook his head lightly.

“Damn ma, you don’t scare easy, do you?” he murmured, “tellin’ you shit gonna be tough and you just dive right in, huh?”

His words were quieting my earlier fears. In his own way, Erik was reminding me that I wasn’t the only one who may not be sure what the future brings.

 “I told you a long time ago, I’m protective about the people I care about,” I told him with a small shrug. “And I love you, Erik.”

Erik leaned forward slightly to press a kiss against my lips.

“Love you too, princess,” he said, brushing his lips lightly against mine before pulling me into a deeper kiss.

When he pulled away his dark brown eyes were looking at me intently.

“Gonna take care of all this,” he said and I furrowed my brows at him.

“I don’t want you…”

“Shae, this shit is dangerous,” he told me. “You can’t pull that shit you did before.”

I remembered the desperate tone in his voice when I told him I was going to stall in order to help Liam. 

“Ok,” I said softly, and he grabbed my chin gently, so I was forced to hold his gaze.

“I’m serious, princess. When I tell you to do something, I mean that shit.”

I blinked at him. He was using that authoritative voice that let me know he was serious.

“Ok,” I said again, “I will.”

“Promise me,” he demanded, and I pressed my lips together. His eyes narrowed slightly.

“Shae,” he said my name carefully, “can’t focus on dealin’ with this shit if I’m worried about you.”

Well, when he said it like that…

“I promise,” I said, and his eyes studied mine carefully. Erik always knew when I was lying, and I knew he was trying to confirm my words.

“I mean it,” I assured him. “I’ll listen, and I won’t do anything crazy.”

To be honest, it was more than a relief to know that Erik wanted to protect me. I had the distinct feeling that some cosmic entity must have been looking out for me that day, but I didn’t want to test the theory.

He released my chin, obviously satisfied and leaned back against the couch to look at me.

I titled my head at him, a thought occurring to me.

“How do you know that Mitch’s people don’t know you’re watching for them?”

“He probably knows I am. But we got Wardogs here that they wouldn’t know about though.”

I gave him a confused look.

“Wardogs?”

“Wakandan spies. My pops was one and he gave me the mark.” 

“The mark?”

He tugged down his bottom lip and I spotted a shimmering blue Wakandan script tattooed on the inside.

My eyes widened in fascination.

“That’s so cool!” I exclaimed and paused. “Is that ok to say, or is that rude? I don’t want to be disrespectful if this is a cultural thing…”

Erik didn’t answer me for a moment. Then suddenly he gave me one of his real smiles with dimples, his eyes bright with laughter.

It had me smiling back at him, the warmth in my chest growing. I knew he was laughing at me, but I didn’t care. It made _me_ happy that I could make _him_ happy.

“It’s all good, princess,” he said finally and pressed a kiss against my lips. “It’s all good.”

For some reason, I knew he meant more than just that moment.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae's settles into their new place

** Chapter 27 **

****

“Ay, what I tell you about messing with my shit when I ain’t here?”

 

Erik tossed a few blankets that were strewn across the floor and shot an accusing glare to his younger cousin.

 

Princess Shuri didn’t seem at all abashed as she popped another chocolate flavored pocky stick in her mouth, her gaze returning to the television screen.

 

Was she watching the Real Housewives of Atlanta?

 

“You been through my food too?” he demanded sounding slightly outraged, and she grinned at him.

 

“I’m doing you a favor,” she said and bit into another stick, “you don’t want your food going bad do you?”

 

Erik tossed another blanket to the side as he glared at her.

 

“I bought the shit last week. Told yo’ ass we were coming today,” he groused and made a disgusted noise when he noticed the empty snack containers on the coffee table in front her.

 

“Ain’t ya’ll supposed to have fucking manners?”

 

I let myself take in my surroundings as they bickered, smiling to myself.

 

It was one of those stylish industrial lofts with open brick walls and hardwood floors and enough windows that natural light could be let in. The furniture was made up of earth tones and gave the space a very warm feel to it. I noticed a stairwell that I assumed must leave to the sleeping area and the framing of the ceiling was large enough that there was likely another smaller space up there as well.

 

 It was obvious that Erik’s décor was based on his love of the motherland, as it was mostly made up of African décor from across the continent tastefully decorated along the walls. A few of the pieces had Wakandan script engraved in them and I vaguely wondered how expensive everything must cost.

  
“Would you like an update or not?” I heard Shuri say and I returned my focus to the other two occupants.

 

“An update?” I asked, and she glanced at me. Her brows raised, and I wondered if this was the first time she had noticed me.

 

She hopped off the couch and approached me with a grin.

 

“So, you’re Shae?” she asked and slid a mischievous glance to her cousin who frowned at her.

 

“Oh yes,” I replied, realizing too late that I hadn’t properly addressed her.

  
Leave it to Erik to not properly introduce us.

 

“Yes, your Highness…Majesty? I’m not quite sure what the difference is. I mean, I know T’Challa would be your majesty, but you’re a princess, so would it be your Highness instead? That’s right, isn’t it?”

 

Erik and Shuri exchanged an amused glance and I groaned internally.

  
Why did I always get so tongue tied around his family?

 

“I like her, cousin,” she said before returning her gaze to me. “Technically it’d be your highness, but you can just call me Shuri.”

  
“Ok,” I said, still feeling the heat of my face. “It’s nice to meet you, Shuri.”

 

“You too,” she said. “My cousin has talked so much about you.”

 

I raised my brows and glanced at Erik who was giving Shuri an annoyed look.

 

“Good things, I hope?” I said, and she laughed.

  
“Of course. I’ve been wanting to meet the woman who can put up with his nonsense.”

 

“Ay, watch it, cuz. Keep talkin’ shit and I ain’t letting you over here no more,” Erik said, but there was no real heat to his voice.

 

She planted her hands on her hips.

 

“Are you sure you want to threaten the person who builds your tech?”

 

I knew Shuri was a genius from the many articles espousing the intellect of the young princess who was only sixteen. Or was she seventeen now?   

  
“Shit, I build some of it too,” he retorted back.

 

I raised my brows at that. I didn’t know that but given what I knew of Erik’s intelligence it wasn’t surprising.

 

“As good as mine though?” she challenged.

 

“It’s aight,” he hedged and Shuri gave him a mock outraged expression. 

  
I heard a chuckle behind me and turned to see T’Challa entering the room. He closed the door behind him as he set the last box down.

 

“Must I separate you two?” he asked, and they rolled their eyes at him.

 

“What’s this update you were talking about?” I asked hoping to help distract their argument.

 

Three pairs of eyes turned to me before the siblings turned their gaze to Erik.

 

He met their gaze with a raised a brow.

 

“What? She asked, didn’t she?”

 

T’Challa and Shuri exchanged a look that I could only described as being pleased, before Shuri turned to me with a smile.

 

“We’ve found Trish and the rest of Mitch’s group. It appears they’ve left the country.”

 

My eyes widened.  

 

“Then they’ve given up?” I asked, feeling a small bubble of hope.

 

Shuri shook her head slightly.

 

“We don’t know for sure,” she said and felt my shoulders slump.

 

 

“They likely know that it would be more difficult to get to you than before,” T’Challa said. “Any attempts they’ve had to get to anyone near you has failed.”

 

My eyes widened at this news and T’Challa raised a hand.   
  
“None of your friends have been in danger. Trish’s attempt was the closest and N’Jadaka has made clear that was not with the agreeance of their leader. I believe they have heard learned that N’Jadaka is a Prince of Wakanda. And they must know that our resources are considerable.”

 

I turned my gaze to Erik worriedly.

 

“So, what, they’re going into hiding now? I mean, if they know who Erik is now, will they really try anything?”

  
“Don’t know,” Erik admitted, “If they got another job, they’ll likely be focused on that. There’s still buyers out there that’ll use them.”

 

T’Challa nodded in agreement.

 

“And in the nature of their work, we will likely run into them again, “he said and spared a glance at Erik. “At this point, it would be best to let them be. No harm has been done.”

 

A look shifted across Erik’s face as he met T’Challa’s gaze.

 

“They came after Shae,” he said calmly. “I’d say there’s been some fucking harm.”

 

“Erik,” I said, a small ball of worry building in my stomach. “T’Challa’s right, we should just let them go.”

  
I didn’t want him going after them. Yes, Trish had gotten close, but she’d been an outlier, and no one had been hurt. Everyone was safe for now and that’s all that mattered. 

 

Erik didn’t reply and simply looked at me. I didn’t like the dark look in his eyes.

 

“Oof, this looks like the time to leave,” Shuri piped up. She and her brother shared a look, before he nodded.  

 

Shuri inclined her head slightly as she gazed at me. There was a wisdom in her eyes that was striking to see in someone so young.

 

“Look after him, yeah?” she said, and I blinked in surprise.

  
I glanced at Erik who just rolled his eyes. T’Challa grinned.

 

“I will,” I promised. Of course, I would.

  
She smiled, pleased and clapped me on the arm.

 

“We’ll have fun at the outreach center. And I know there’s some research you’d be interested in reading,” she said, and I couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

“I’ll look forward to it,” I said, and she gave me a nod before leaving.

 

T’Challa had taken a step towards to Erik and laid a hand on his shoulder.

 

*“Musa ukuphazamisa oku, eh?”

  
Erik eyed him and T’Challa gave him a serious look.

 

*“Khumbula, uyakufuna,” he said, and Erik shrugged his hand off.

 

“Shit, I know. You fucking leaving or what?”

 

T’Challa shook his head but there was small smile on his face.

 

He turned to me and tapped my arm gently.

 

“I will see you on your first day, yes?”

  
I grinned at him.

 

“Of course! And thanks again for everything,” I said, and he waved a hand dismissively.

 

“No need for thanks,” he said and spared a brief glance at his cousin before leaving.

 

After his departure, I turned towards Erik and watched as he grabbed the empty containers Shuri had left, muttering under his breath.

 

I trailed after him as he made his way into the kitchen, noting that it was much larger than my old kitchen had been. The appliances were all stainless steel and looked to be some of the high level stuff that I’d only dream about having.

 

“I always said if I had a bigger kitchen, I’d cook more,” I said absently, taking in the room.

 

“Yeah?” Erik said and pulled me into his arms. “This yo’ place too, ma. Do whatever you want.”

 

I smiled at him.

 

“It’s nice,” I said, and he huffed a laugh.

 

“Just nice?” he teased, and I rolled my eyes with a laugh.

 

“Ok, it’s amazing. Better than the photos you showed me.”  

 

He leaned towards me to press a kiss against my lips and I took a step back.

 

He frowned at me.

 

“Erik,” I said, gazing at him firmly, “you’re not going to go after them, are you?”

 

A look shifted across his face.

 

“Shoulda known yo’ ass wouldn’t let it go,” he muttered, and I simply looked at him.

 

He shook his head at me.

 

“Aight, look. I’ll let them be. But….” he emphasized when I smiled, “they come near you or your people then I’m handling that shit.”

 

I pressed my lips together and he held my gaze steadily.

 

“What if you run into them? Will you…” I trailed off, not sure how I wanted to finish that question.

 

“I’ll handle it,” he said, and I hesitated.

  
“What does that mean?” I pressed, and he was the one who took a step back, irritation flashing across his face.

 

“It means I’ll handle it,” he said, and I let out an annoyed huff.

 

“Erik….”

 

“Damn, Shae, why you ridin me on this?”

  
“Because I don’t want something to happen to you! Because if they hurt you or if you…” I couldn't complete my sentence and I turned away, hugging my arms to myself.

 

I knew Erik could take care of himself, but if these people were dangerous and he went after them…

 

I heard him sigh before he wrapped his arms around me from behind and I leaned back into his warmth.

 

“Don’t worry about it, princess,”  Erik said, and I shook my head.

 

“You know I can’t do that,” I said softly, and he gave me a gentle squeeze.

 

“Yeah, I know yo’ ass is worrisome,” he said and nuzzled me lightly. “But I’mma need you to trust me, princess. Can you do that?”

 

I turned in his arms, so I could look into his eyes.

 

If we were going to move forward, I’d have to give him room to be himself and to do things in the way he knew how. I’d set my ground rules and he’d been working to meet them, even when I could tell sometimes it irritated him to do so.

 

We were in a new place and we were starting a new chapter of our lives together.

 

If this was going to be fair, I had to give just as he did. I’d given a lot in the past, but this time around it felt different and I was happy with where this relationship seemed to be going.

 

I took a deep breath and nodded.

 

“Yes,” I said and leaned up to press a kiss to his lips. “I trust you.”

 

_______

 

The rest of the evening passed with him helping me unpack my items into empty drawers and his very large closet space. Seriously, what was the square footage on this place? It was pretty damn impressive considering that it was a loft and I vaguely wondered if there had been any remodeling to accommodate the size.

 

I had been right in assuming the upstairs area was the sleeping area. I also found that there was another study section that was hidden behind a half wall as well, lined with books and a nice, cozy desk area.  I had every intention of reading every book in his collection and had been delighted that some of the novels came from Wakanda and had been translated in English. I was glad, once again, that Erik shared my love of reading.

 

And gaming. Not only did he have a huge flat screen television system, but his gaming system setup was on point. Our gaming selections differed, but I was happy to note the Kingdom Hearts series and some Final Fantasy games amongst some of his titles like Call of Duty, 2K18, and Street Fighter just to name a few. I also spied a dope audio system setup as well. Yep, a few gaming and movie nights were definitely in order.

 

I had to hand it to Erik. He was cocky for a reason when he’d told me about his place. He had described it vaguely, in the hopes of seeing my face when I finally saw it in person. He knew it was lit as fuck and I was getting mad all over again that he hadn’t told me sooner. I’d hop on a plane sooner to come live out here. I had loved Ms. Vivian as my landlord, but…. this was living goals if I’d ever seen them.

 

“Get used to it, princess,” he had told me when I made a comment about how expensive everything must be. “Cause I’m sure as shit spoiling the fuck out of you.”

  
“But...but…” I said, feeling my frugal heart tremor. “You don’t have to…”

 

“Nah, should’ve been treating you like a Queen,” he said and flashed me that smirk of his. “Ain’t no excuses for it now.”

 

The independent woman in me didn’t like the idea of being spoiled and having to depend on Erik for things. But the other part me, the one that was starting to realize the perks of being in a relationship, was saying “shut the fuck up, bitch, we deserve this!”

  
It was going to be an interesting new phase in my life, that was definitely for sure.

__________

 

Translations

 

*Don’t mess this up, eh?

 

*Remember, she needs you


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shae gets a bit adventerous and learns something new about Erik too

** Chapter 28  **

****

I loved Erik’s shower. No. Our shower? Whatever.

 

The water pressure and temperature controls were amazing, and it even came with a detachable shower head. I had never had a shower with a detachable shower head and it was…. definitely something I’d been missing out on.

 

And the bed? My God, the bed was on a whole other level. It was a good mixture of firm and soft and was one of those bed that would cure your insomnia and any back problems you had.

 

I was amused and touched to find a small glasses stand on the bedside table and had placed my glasses there before my shower. I grabbed my jar of shea body butter, the recipe courtesy of Alisha.

 

I had sat on the edge of the bed, still wrapped in a towel, and had begun applying when Erik found me.

 

“I just want to say again,” I said as I massaged the mixture into my right leg, “that this place is amazing.”

 

“Uh huh,” he said distractedly.

 

“I mean seriously,” I said and crossed my legs, so I could repeat the motions on the left, “I never thought I’d live in a place like this.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You know,” I added thoughtfully, switching to stroke along my arms, “I had a Pinterest account, that I had some _ideas_ of what I thought I’d like….”

 

“That’s wassup.”

 

I paused, my hands stilling from where I had moved up to rub the mixture into my shoulders. I had been so engrossed in my task that I hadn’t been looking at him as I worked. I looked up to see him watching me.

 

“Erik, are you even listening to…” I trailed off as I finally met his gaze, the heat in his eyes had that familiar warmth blooming in my lower belly.

 

He was biting his lip as his eyes watched me closely.

 

“You still on the pill?”

 

The question made me lick my lips and I nodded.

 

Erik was giving me that heated predatory look as he tugged his shirt off and over his head and dropped his hands to his unbuckle his jeans.

 

“Go ahead and move up the bed.”

 

I obeyed, my hands gripping my towel as I shimmied backward.

 

“Towel, Shae,” he said, and I heard the humor in his voice.

 

Right. Duh.

 

I tugged it off and tossed it out the way, feeling my face heat as Erik’s eyes slid along my exposed form, his eyes appreciative.

 

I worried my bottom lip lightly and those full lips curled into a smirk. I loved that smirk.

 

Erik moved towards me until he was braced above me, his hand coming up to pull my bottom lip from my teeth. He lowered himself down to kiss me deeply, almost in a pushup position, and I lifted my hands to stroke along the solid muscles in his arms. My fingers didn’t hesitate as they stroked along his scars and he lowered himself completely, resettling his weight on top of me.  

 

I arched my back as I felt his hands cup my breasts, his fingers kneading them firmly. He tweaked my dark nipples and I moaned, my legs falling open slightly, allowing him to settle properly between them.

 

“So, fucking beautiful,” he murmured and lowered his head down to suck my nipple into his mouth.

 

I slid my fingers into his hair, groaning as his tongue circled the hardened peak, before biting down.

 

“Oh,” I gasped, and he lifted his head, letting my breast slide free before switching to the next one. He repeated his motions and I rocked against him, feeling the wetness grow between my legs.

 

He pulled his lips away and blew lightly, making my nipples harden even further. When he did the same to its twin, I whimpered, and he chuckled lightly. 

  
Ooh…He could be such a tease.

 

“I want to be on top,” I said suddenly, and he lifted his head to look at me. I had been on top before, but I’d never directly requested to. There was amusement clear in his eyes and I looked at him pointedly.

 

With a smirk, Erik wrapped his arms around me and rolled us, so I could straddle him.

 

“You takin’ charge, baby girl?” he teased.

 

Erik knew how flustered I could get and was likely curious to see what I would do.

 

I ignored his question and leaned down to capture his lips in a kiss again. He opened to me easily enough, his tongue stroking along mine as the kiss deepened. I felt his hand slide up my legs until he could cup my ass. He gave a firm squeeze and I moaned into the kiss.

  
I pulled away and wrapped my hands around his wrists, tugging until he relented and put them near his head.

 

“Keep them there,” I said, and he arched a brow, his smirk widening. To my relief, he simply tucked his hands behind his head, those dark eyes watching me with a hint of amusement and curiosity.

 

When he opened his mouth, I pressed a finger to his lips to silence him.

 

“Hush,” I said, and his eyes darkened, the hunger growing in them.

 

Erik wasn’t a sub in any meaning of the word, but I had intrigued him enough that he seemed willing to obey. If I wanted to do this, I wouldn’t last if he could talk. Even though I wasn’t that good at it, Erik’s dirty talk drove me wild and was just another way he showed he was in control.

 

I had no idea what had gotten into me. Maybe it was the new move or the new place or the new job, but I was just as curious to see what I would do too.

 

Which, as I let my gaze roam his powerful body beneath mine, became obvious.

 

I leaned forward until I could press a kiss to his neck, letting my tongue lick a path along the throbbing pulse. I bit down lightly, and Erik twitched beneath me. I worked my way down, stroking every inch of flesh I could get to with my tongue, nipping slightly here and there and making sure that I kept my gaze locked with his. I paused to stroke my tongue against his hardened nipples, blowing on them as he’d done to me earlier. His eyes flashed at me and I felt myself grin.

 

I moved further down, feeling the pattern of his scars against my tongue, dipping into his belly button and nipping lightly at the flesh just below. The muscles were hard like steel, rippling beneath my touch when I stroked a sensitive spot during my exploration. And all the while, I could feel the wetness between my legs on my thighs, a testament that this was turning me on just as much as it was him.

 

By the time my hand wrapped around his dick, Erik was breathing heavily, the look in his eyes almost wild as he gazed down at me.

 

“Shae…”

 

“Hush,” I said again, and his eyes narrowed slightly. I paused and looked at him, feeling him throb in my hand, wondering if I’d pushed him far enough. His nostrils flared, and his jaw clenched, but he didn’t move, his hands still tucked behind his head.

 

I smiled at him sweetly and watched as he inhaled deeply.

 

His dick throbbed in my hand again and I pressed a light kiss to the tip, before letting my tongue dart out to taste the precum that oozed from it. I slid one hand down to cup his balls and titled my head to make a long lick from the bottom of his shaft and back up to the top.

 

Erik sucked in a breath as I stroked my tongue on the underside of his dick, teasing the throbbing vein there with light strokes of my tongue. As I wetted him with each stroke, I spread the moisture around with one hand by pumping him slowly and massaging his balls with the other.

 

When I traced my tongue along his head again, licking lightly at the entrance there, I felt his hands slide into my hair to push him further into my mouth.

 

I pushed back against his hands, until he loosened his grip slightly.  I glared up at him.

 

“Put them back,” I said, and those dark eyes just looked at me.

 

“Do you want me to stop?” I tried again, using a line he’d used on me.

 

“You sure you want to play this game, baby girl?” the bass in his voice making me lick my lips.

 

“You think you can handle it?” I challenged back, and his brows raised lightly in surprise.

 

No, I still didn’t know what had gotten into me. Maybe it was the fact that I was finally in a relationship with someone that I was willing to explore a new side to myself, something that I normally wouldn’t be comfortable doing with someone else.

 

We stared at each other for a few seconds, before Erik let out a breath and dropped his hands from my hair and clenched them into fists. It wasn't the same spot, but it’d work. I knew proposing it as a challenge would get him.

 

“Have your fun, princess. Imma get you back for this.”

 

The dark promise of his words had a shiver running down my spine.

 

“I said don’t talk,” I said, because hell, I was already in this deep. Erik licked his lips as he gazed down at me.

 

When he did get me back for this I wouldn’t be able to walk straight for a while.

 

But seeing that hungry look in his eyes, and having him at my mercy, well, that made it worth it.

 

Satisfied that’d he’d obey again, I continued my previous task of stroking him lightly with my tongue. I did a few more strokes, before sliding him into my mouth, stretching my jaw to accommodate each inch as I worked him further in.

 

I breathed through my nose deeply, pleased that I could take more in than I could before, and slowly slid back up to the head. I paused to suck lightly on broad head of his dick, before swallowing him down again, bracing my hands on his thighs.

 

Erik was groaning, barely managing to keep a few curses from spilling out, but I allowed it. I was more generous than he was.

 

I continued working over him, my head bobbing, slurping him back down. Drool had begun leaking from the sides of my mouth and it allowed his dick to move slickly in and out of my mouth. My pussy throbbed between my legs, but I kept my hands on his thighs, wanting to focus on his pleasure instead.

 

I could feel the tension in his muscles, the strain in his thighs as he struggled not to move. Each time I slid down, I let my tongue trace the throbbing vein, pausing to suck the head briefly when I slid back up.

 

Suddenly, Erik’s hands were in my hair and he began rocking his hips up and I kept breathing my noise, my jaw beginning to ache.

 

I didn’t try to push him off this time and flicked my eyes up to meet his.  

 

“You love this shit, don’t you baby girl?” the hunger in his eyes made them appear darker. “Love me fucking that pretty mouth of yours.”

 

I hummed, my fingers digging into his thighs to steady myself. Tears were beginning to spill from my eyes at the roughness of his movements and wet, gagging sounds filled the room.

 

“Fuck Shae,” he growled when he came finally, his hands sliding down to grip my shoulders. I swallowed eagerly, working to catch it all in my mouth, not pulling away until his dick stopped twitching.

 

I was gasping when I pulled away, my jaw aching as I felt my pussy throb again just by looking at the sated expression on his face. My hands stroked lightly on his inner thighs as I watched his pink tongue dart out to lick his full lips.

 

Oh.

 

There was something I’d always wanted to try, but I’d been to shy to ask him to do. I bit my lip as I looked at him and he inclined his head slightly, noting my indecision.

I shook my head slightly to myself and crawled up, so I could press a kiss to his lips. His hands slid to my arms as he steadied me against him, his tongue sliding along mine as he kissed me back.

 

My pussy throbbed again, and I moaned softly into his mouth.

 

Erik tilted his head away so that his lips brushed lightly along mine.

 

“Whatchu tryin to do, baby girl?” he asked, amusement clear in his voice.

 

Yeah, he knew there was something I wanted that, but was too afraid to ask.

  
Ugh, where had all my bravado gone?

 

I shifted slightly so I could crawl up him more, shifting so I straddled his chest slightly and tapped his lips.

 

My face heated again as he raised a brow, grinning at me. His hands slid to my thighs and up to the curves of my ass to push me further up the bed, until I could shift my position to brace my hands against the headboard, my lower lips pressed to his.

 

Oh, thank God. It was one of those times that I was relieved that Erik could guess what I wanted without me having to say anything. Which was surprising in itself—Erik normally pushed me to verbalize my desires, no matter how embarrassed I’d be. I guess he could be generous sometimes too.

 

All other thoughts fled from my mine as Erik pressed his lips against my folds and began sliding his tongue up and down the slit slowly. He’d nip lightly at the swollen lips, before stroking his tongue soothingly against them.

 

I arched my back at the first press of his tongue pushing inside me, moaning as it slide in and out, thrusting deep as he tasted me.

 

“Erik,” I moaned, and he hummed, and I could feel the vibrations deep inside. My walls clenched around his questing tongue, but he didn’t let up, his mouth moving furiously beneath me. 

 

I leaned forward slightly, bracing myself and used the headboard as leverage as I began to rock my hips, grinding my pussy into his face. I could hear the wet, slurping sounds as Erik kept feeding from me, the occasional puff of air as he continued breathing through his nose. I vaguely worried that I was suffocating him, so I lifted my hips slightly, but his hands slid up from where he had been kneading the curves of my ass to grip my thighs. He pulled me back down, pressing his face deeper into my core and growled slightly, causing a tremor to go through me as I clenched around his tongue again.

 

The message was clear though. He wanted me to stay where I was.

 

I was panting now, my chest heaving as I felt the pleasure build inside me, my legs beginning to tremble slightly, as my muscled walls fluttered around his still thrusting tongue.

 

“Oh…I’m gonna….” I moaned out and Erik’s tongue slid to my clit, flicking lightly against it.

 

“Ah!” I dropped a hand down between my legs to bury in his dreads and began rocking my hips faster. He wrapped his lips around my swollen clit and sucked, pressing his tongue down against it and my grip tightened in his hair.

 

“Erik, oh my…. Yes…” the words tumbled out as I reached my climax, my body shaking as I closed my eyes, riding the waves of pleasure, feeling his tongue still give little licks against my clit that made me twitch.

 

I had to tug his hair a bit harder to get him to stop, but he relented and released his hold on me. I rolled off of him onto my back, blinking to get my eyes to focus on the ceiling. I titled my head to see the evidence of my release on his face.

 

I felt my face heating all over again as Erik titled his head to meet my gaze, still licking his lips.   

 

“Where the fuck did all that come from?”

 

He didn’t sound angry, just genuinely curious.

 

I shrugged.

 

“You didn’t like it?” I asked, wondering if maybe I’d gone too far.

 

He sat up and moved so that he was on his knees between my legs.

“Shit ma, that was sexy as fuck,” he said, his gaze sliding down my body. His hands slid to my knees to part my legs.

 

“I wanted to be on top,” I protested, watching him line himself up. Erik smirked at me.

 

“You were,” he said and plunged all the way in, not stopping until he was buried deep inside me.

 

I moaned and wrapped my legs around his waist, letting my head drop back as he began to thrust into me, his strokes deep and slow.

 

Erik titled my head towards him and pulled me into a deep kiss, his tongue mimicking the thrusts of his dick inside me. I slid my hands to wrap around his shoulders, feeling the weight of him press me into the bed. My breasts were pressed flat to his chest and I could feel the scars of his chest brushing lightly against my nipples, the sensation making them tighten.

 

He did a roll with his hips that had me titling my head back, my back arching as I cried out. Erik slid his lips down my neck, biting down lightly and my pussy clenched around him. He groaned and repeated the motion with his hips, pushing deeper into me.

 

“Erik,” I moaned, “oh my god…”

 

“Tell Daddy how it feels, princess,” he said, and I blinked.

 

I lifted my head to meet his gaze.

 

Daddy?

  
He’d never asked me to call him that before.

 

Erik stopped his movements at the look on my face, and leaned back to gaze down at me as I blinked again.

 

“I’m not calling you that,” I told him.

 

Erik tilted his head at me slightly and I swallowed at the look in his eyes.

 

“Oh word?” he asked, his voice low.

 

I pursed my lips at him and nodded. We stared at each other for a second, before his lips curved up into a smirk.

 

Without another word, he slid out of me before he quickly flipping me onto my stomach.

 

Oh shit.

 

I felt him lift my hips, and only managed to make a small noise before he thrust back in. Even as wet as I was, I could still feel the stretch of him as he filled me, pushing in deep, one hand pushing me until my back was in a deep arch for him. 

 

I had only managed to grip the bedding before he began slamming into me, keeping the hand on my back to ensure that my back stayed arched. I cried out, my pussy clenching around him, feeling each deep stroke inside me.  

 

“Wildin’ today, ain’t you, ma?” he growled, and I could only whimper, feeling him hit that spot deep inside me.

 

His hips were snapping into my ass, the lewd sounds of him sliding in and out of my wetness mixing with the harsh slapping of flesh and his pace quickened. The slick muscles of my walls were clenching down tighter around him, the tingles of pleasure climbing together as I felt that pressure build in my lower belly.

 

“Don’t cum,” he ordered, and I had to tilt my head to look up at him over my shoulder, small cries still spilling from my lips.

 

He couldn’t be serious.

  
“I…I can’t control that…” I managed to gasp out and received a harsh smack on my ass.

 

“You fucking heard me,” he rumbled, even as his continued rocking his hips, his deep strokes still causing his dick press into that spot inside me.

 

“Fuck,” I moaned, trying to tilt my hips slightly, hoping to change the angle at least. If I could get it where he didn’t hit that spot, then maybe….

 

Another smack had me crying out, my flesh jiggling from the strike.  

 

“Don’t try that shit, Shae,” he growled and leaned over me, wrapping me in his big arms and trapping my arms to my sides, his face titling to bite down on my shoulder.

 

 My legs were spread wider now, his knees braced on either side of mine, the position having my face pressed into the bed. He had effectively trapped me beneath him, keeping me in place so I couldn’t move away from each brutal thrust. My pussy was fluttering around him and I knew I couldn’t last much longer.

 

“Don’t you fucking cum,” he said in my ear, before biting down lightly on the lobe.

 

“Erik,” I sobbed, “please….”

 

“Nah, baby girl, you know what you need to do,” he grunted, his arms tightening any time I tried to shift, trying to stave off that crest of pleasure.

 

I could feel his balls slapping against my clit, my body shaking as I clenched my hands into fists.

 

 _If Erik had a Daddy kink, who was I to deny him?_ I reasoned to myself, feeling my pride waver. _Hadn’t I just tried something new?_  


Erik shifted his arm and my eyes widened as I felt his hand slide underneath me, his purpose clear as it stroked down past my stomach.

 

Fuck, fuck, fuck……

 

“Please Daddy,” I gasped out, feeling his fingers pause, “please let me cum.”

 

I wouldn’t last if I let him do what he intended, and I was already on his roster for future payback from earlier.

 

He licked a path on my neck, before nipping lightly.

 

“Say it again.”

 

I shuddered, noting that his hips had slowed slightly, but I was still at the high point, still ready to be pushed over the edge.

 

He met my silence with another deep thrust and I cried out.

 

“You wanna cum?” he asked, nipping my shoulder.

 

“Y-yes,” I gasped, twitching as I felt his fingers slid down, not quite reaching their destination.

 

“Then say it again.”

 

“Please,” I said, my breath hitching as his fingers found my clit, but not quite pressing, “please, Daddy, let me cum.”

 

Erik stroked a small circle and I whimpered.

 

“Again.”

 

Fuck….

 

“Please, Daddy,” I groaned, my body trembling, “please Daddy, it feels so good. Please let me cum.”

 

I was too close to be mortified at this point and could only focus on the fingers between my legs and his dick that was still pumping into me.

 

“Good girl,” he said and pressed down hard on my clit, his hips snapping into me.

 

I screamed, burying my face in the bedding, my body trembling as I came. Erik kept moving, his pace picking back up as I squeezed him tight. He groaned, dropping his lips to my neck, before biting down. I was gonna have a lot of marks tomorrow.

 

His fingers were still working at my clit and I cried out again, feeling another orgasm chase the first.

 

“Oh shit, oh shit…” I was thrashing underneath him now and he had to tighten his arms around me to keep me still as he kept fucking me, seeking his own release. My walls clamped down again and he groaned.

 

“Shit, that’s it, princess,” he grunted, “tighten that pussy for me.”

 

I squeezed as tight as I could, cries still falling from my lips as I felt his dick twitch inside me, the movement pushing me over the edge again.

 

He was close, his thrusts more erratic, and I titled my head to the side, so I could press my lips to his ear.

 

“Cum for me, Daddy,” I panted, and he groaned again, his hips snapping into me at a bruising pace.

 

“Fuck, Shae,” he snarled and with one final thrust, I felt him empty himself inside me, his arms tightening to the point where I made a small noise of protest as I struggled to breathe.

 

“Babe,” I gasped out, “you’re crushing me.”

 

Erik let out a shaky breath before loosening his grip and rolling to lay next to me.

 

“My bad.”

 

We both laid there for a few moments, trying to regain our bearings.

 

Finally, I let myself take a deep breath, wincing as I stretched lightly before shifting to look at him more fully.

 

“That was new,” I said, eying him. “I didn’t know you had a Daddy kink.”

  
Erik just shrugged, and I felt a wave of amusement. Looks like we had both explored something new tonight.

 

I sat up, my eyes taking in the sheets and I shook my head.

 

“We made a mess,” I pointed out, feeling the stickiness between my legs.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed and grinned at me.

 

I rolled my eyes but smiled. Erik reached a hand up to stroke absently along my arm as he watched me, his other arm tucked behind his head. He wore that smug look that men had when they knew they’d dicked a girl down good.

 

I met his gaze and his grin grew. I huffed out a small laugh. I couldn’t argue with him because his arrogance was well deserved. But he didn’t need me stroking his ego anymore than I already did.

 


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik tells Shae a story

** Chapter 29  **

“Is there a laundry room in the building?” I asked, realizing that I didn’t see any in my tour of the place earlier. I wanted to sleep in clean, fresh sheets at least my first night here and the current bedding wasn’t cutting it.

“It’s on the second floor,” he said, and I hummed thoughtfully.

“What days are the busiest?”

I could already see myself formulating a routine here, slightly excited at the thought of being able to practice being domestic. I didn’t mind doing chores because it gave me time to think and Erik wasn’t a messy roommate, which made it easier.

Erik titled his head at me curiously.

“I mean, when do most of the tenants use the room?” I asked, trying to clarify my original question.

“It’s just us,” he replied, still stroking my arm lightly. There was a look in his eyes that had me sitting up straighter as I looked at him closely.

“What do you mean? Are we the first to move into the building?” I asked, watching as his lips twitched.

No…. he couldn’t possibly….

“Erik,” I said carefully, “who’s our landlord?”

He shrugged, his fingers still moving lazily.

“Ain’t got one,” he said, and I squeaked.

“What do you…. you can’t mean…”

I stared at him, watching as an amused grin formed on his face.

Holy shit.

“You own the building,” I said, not even bothering to pose it as a question.

“Yep.”

I opened my mouth and then shook my head and closed it. Nope, I wasn’t going to let myself get riled up over this. Honestly, at this point, I should be getting used to having him surprise me like this.

I tilted my head to see him watching me, that amused grin still in place.

“It makes sense,” I mumbled, and he snickered. “You never did like having neighbors, did you?”  

“People too fucking noisy,” he said, and I let out a small laugh, before sliding out of bed.

“Up,” I said and waved a hand at him. “I want to clean these.”

“You can do that shit later,” he complained, eyeing me as I gave another tug to the sheets. They didn’t move, held down by his weight and I gave him an exasperated look.

“Erik, would you move?”

He paused for a brief moment, before sliding out of bed to stand next to me. I took a step back at the look on his face.

“Uh uh,” I said, watching as his eyes slid down my body. “You can wait, Erik, I want to put these in the wash.”

“Told you to do that shit later,” he retorted and reached for me.

I hopped away from him and his eyes narrowed slightly.

“Yeah, well, I’ll still need to take another shower after this,” I added and let out a small shriek when he dove for me again. I didn’t move quick enough and he caught me, and he lifted me easily into his arms.

“Erik,” I said, laughing. “Put me down!”

“Nah, you said you wanted a shower. ‘Sides, I heard you having fun in there earlier,” he said and my face heated. I thought I’d been quiet when I’d…. experimented with the shower head.

 He smirked at the look on my face.

“And still need to get you back for earlier,” he said, striding towards the bathroom with that heated look of determination in his eyes.

Well damn.

______

The moonlight that filtered through the windows let me know how late it’d gotten when we finally made it back to bed, freshly showered and snuggled beneath new clean sheets that were just as comfortable as the original ones.

I let out a yawn as I dropped my head onto Erik’s chest, feeling the long day finally catch up with me. I could hear his steady heartbeat, feeling content as I felt his fingers stroke lazily up and down my back.

My eyes were trained on a small panther statute that sat on an end table in the corner of the room. I had no idea what material it was made of, but I was intrigued by the emerald gems that made up its eyes that looked back at me.

It was the gleam of those eyes that had me remembering that vivid dream from so long ago.

“Erik?” I asked softly, not quite wanting to break the comfortable silence in the room.

“Yeah?”

I paused, pondering how I wanted to frame the question.

“Do you believe in, I don’t know, some cosmic entity?” I asked, lifting my fingers up to trace across the inside of his wrist. “Like someone’s out there looking out for us?”

“You mean like God?” he asked, still stroking lightly up and down my spine.

“Hmm. I guess so. See, my mama took me to church a few times when I was growing up, but she was more open minded then my aunties, especially my aunt Melba.”

I let my fingers stroke up to drift lightly along the scars of his forearm.

“And I think, that she wanted me to make decisions for myself. She told me to be careful of ever accepting blindly something someone told me, and that I should learn to think for myself if I wanted to understand the world.”

“Your mama sounds dope,” he said lightly, and I grinned.

“She was,” I said proudly. “My mama was smart and kind and worked harder than anyone I know. She didn’t care what other people thought about her and she took care of me the best way she knew how. Even though she wasn’t perfect, I always knew she loved me.”

“She sounds like you.”

I lifted my head to look at him. Erik held my gaze as he reached up a hand to stroke lightly down my cheek.

“I told you, Shae. You a queen,” he said and grinned slightly. “Now I know where you got it from.”

I felt tears well in my eyes and he huffed out a sigh.

“Ay, don’t start with that,” he muttered and leaned down to press a kiss against my lips. I kissed him back gently before pulling my lips away.

“I love you, Erik,” I told him, and he brushed his lips lightly against mine.

“Love you too, princess.”

I dropped my head back down, completely forgetting what I had originally asked him.

We lapsed into another comfortable silence and I felt my eyes droop slightly, feeling sleep coming to claim me.

“Bast,” Erik said suddenly.

I blinked, rubbing a hand against my eyes to stave off my impending slumber.

“Huh?” I asked, glancing at his face. His head was tilted to look at the panther statute.

“I believe in Bast.”

I tried to rack my brain for the few bits of mythology books I had read. It had been a fun hobby of mine when I was in high school, and I’d been fascinated in reading about African mythology and the wide range of deities from the rich cultures of the African continent. 

“Oh, Bast is….” I hedged, realizing I was drawing a blank.

“She’s the panther goddess. Pops said she’s the protector of Wakanda,” he said and finally returned his gaze to me. “And Bast determines if you’re worthy.”

I looked at him curiously, noting the change in his tone.

“Worthy of what?”

Erik didn’t answer for a long moment, staring straight ahead, his fingers still moving lightly against my skin. I titled my head, stroking my fingers along his face gently to turn his gaze to me. 

He let out a breath.

“Worthy of Wakanda,” he said.

He titled his head at me, a small grin forming. “Wanna hear a story?”

I nodded eagerly, shifting to a more comfortable position and looked at him intently. 

Erik chuckled, shaking his head at my eagerness.

Then, he told me the story of Bast, the Panther Goddess and the Protectors of Wakanda.

______________

It was the Panther Goddess Bast that led the warrior shaman, and Wakanda’s first King to the heart shaped herb. The first Panther’s King line continues today, through the current King T’Challa and Princess Shuri, as well as Prince N’Jadaka, the only son to Prince N’Jobu who was the youngest brother of the late King T’Chaka.

The goddess Bast ties every person who has taken on the role of King and the mantle of Black Panther, however briefly, together. And in a larger scheme of things, she ties the people of Wakanda together as through every major decision or tradition, her name is called for guidance. This connection remains unless the goddess herself decides that you are no longer worthy of it.

 _Help him… he is lost_.

“What would make her abandon you?” I asked, the words echoing in my mind. My gaze drifted to the statute again and for a brief moment, I felt like I could _feel_ it looking back at me.

I quickly darted my gaze to Erik’s face. He titled his head at me slightly and I wasn’t sure if he’d noticed.

“It’s up to her,” he said with a shrug. “She doesn’t think like we do.”

“Well,” I said, my gaze flickering to the statute again, “she is a goddess.”

I met Erik’s gaze again. “Do you pray to her?”

“Sometimes.”

I raised my brows slightly and he snorted.

“What?”  


“Nothing,” I said hesitantly, picking my words carefully, so as to not offend him. “I’d just figured, you know that maybe…. you’d stop believing in things like that.”

Erik studied me for a moment and his hand drifted down to stroke along my arm.

“I didn’t always believe,” he said, “but I never forgot the stories my pops told me. He said the gods weren’t to blame for the fucked-up shit people did. Blaming makes it too easy for people to own up to shit. Makes them get away without trying or holding people accountable.”

He inclined his head slightly in thought. “So, I didn’t blame her for shit. Not really. Got mad sometimes, and sometimes I didn’t pray or do none of that extra shit. But thinking of her made feel like I was holding onto my pops. Like he was listening too.”

His thumb was rubbing a small circle on my wrist now, his gaze going to the statute again.

“Never really forgot about her though. Figured sometimes she was the reason I’d gotten as far as I did.”

He glanced at me, his gaze intense.

“She’s the reason I could come back.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, marveling at this side of him. It was still new; hearing Erik be able to talk to me so freely and willing to share his thoughts with me.

“That’s another story, ma,” he said, and I made of point of resettling myself so that I was sitting up and leaning back against the headboard.

Erik rubbed a hand through his dreads as he eyed me.

“Damn, girl, ain’t you tired?” he asked, raising a brow.

I was, but there was no way in hell that I was going to have him stop when he was on a roll like this.

Erik looked at me for a moment before rolling his eyes.

“The story ain’t gonna be a fun one,” he warned me, but I looked at him patiently.

“I want to hear it,” I assured him, stroking a hand gently along his arm.

Erik gave me one last lingering look and finally told me of what happened to him in Wakanda.

 


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik comes to terms with his survival

** Chapter 30 **

When Erik first realized he wasn’t dead, he had been livid.

“You should have fucking let me die, nigga,” he had snarled at T’Challa. And of course, his cousin had just given him that calm look that made his blood boil even more. T’Challa had told him that he couldn’t let him die, couldn’t let him not have another chance at finding a home. Erik promptly proceeded to cuss him out before turning his back on him and ignoring him until he left.

They’d put him in a large cell with white walls and the only entrance being blocked by a force field that was similar to the ones that they had surrounding the borders. The room was small, but housed a bed, toilet and a table and chair. All made of vibranium and indestructible, a fact he had confirmed when he’d attempted to destroy the things in his room when he’d let out his rage.

 He had been moved when he was still under and upon checking his body, he’d found that there had been no new scar to show that he’d ever had the deadly injury in the first place. Which wasn’t surprising, considering what their technology was capable of.

No one visited him, except for the guards that brought his him food. They’d also bring him fresh water and soap every day, so he could clean himself. This place had the best technology in the world, but didn’t have a fucking shower for the cells.

To pass the time, Erik trained his body, in the hopes that physical exhaustion would keep the nightmares at bay. There had been too many times, where he had been lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and wiped a hand across his face to find tears. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying and the discovery of it only enraged him more.

He fucking hated this place and he hated his cousin for putting him there. He’d told the nigga to let him die, but of course that bitch ass didn’t listen.

By the time T’Challa finally visited him again, he still had his rage, but he was becoming bored now, which irritated him even more.

“Yo’ ass locks me up for what? To bore me to fucking death? Shit, ain’t nothing to do in here,” he snapped and T’Challa raised a brow, mildly surprised that he was willing to talk to him.

“I could have books provided for you,” T’Challa offered and Erik had simply glared at him for a long moment.

“Well, nigga? Go get ‘em,” he finally said and T’Challa inclined his head at him, hands clasped behind his back as he studied him.

Erik hated that. He hated how his cousin looked at him, as if he was trying to look into him, trying to see something that Erik kept locked away even from himself.

Finally, T’Challa left without another word and Erik was left to his own thoughts again. Only a few moments later found him doing pushups until he couldn’t anymore. Being still was worse than doing nothing.

Wakanda had an extensive library, if he were to go by the variety of topics and authors that he was given. They apparently collected from all over the globe, probably to keep their selection as broad as possible. Erik devoured every book that was brought to him, reading until the lights went out in his cell at what he assumed was night. Had no fucking idea how much time passed in this place.

And since then, T’Challa kept visiting him, staying even when he’d ignored him or only had curses for him when he did speak. Sometimes, he’d allowed himself to engage with his cousin on a book he was reading and at moments he was impressed by the depth of knowledge and reasonable arguments that T’Challa presented. He was engaging and didn’t talk down to him, not like others who seemed to take his manner of speech as an indication that he wasn’t as intelligent as they assumed.

Erik still hated him though.

But it kept him distracted and he had something new to do besides training. The nightmares spaced out, his brain now filled with the images from his books or the conversations he had with his cousin.

By the time Princess Shuri visited him for the first time, he was able to be slightly more cordial to her than he would have originally.

“Sup cuz,” he said airily when he saw her approach.

She studied him with that same gaze her older brother did, and it made him twitch in annoyance.

Her eyes glanced to the pile of books that were now lined against the walls. Whatever T’Challa gave him, he got to keep in his cell, giving him the option to read a book over again. She glanced back at him.

“You’re reading a lot of basic stuff,” she said suddenly, and he raised a brow slightly amused at her slight. The novels were thick, some fiction and some nonfiction with topics ranging for astrophysics to molecular engineering. But sure, in her view, it was probably some basic shit.

“Then bring me the good shit, then,” he challenged, and she smirked at him.

And she did. Shuri became a regular visitor, bringing him pieces by Wakandan scholars and scientists and, with smug pride, some of her own work and research.

Begrudgingly, Erik found himself slightly looking forward to her visits. She had a humor to her that he appreciated and a quick wit that allowed her to clap back to any of the shit he threw at her. He found it curious that she didn’t seem as frightened of him as he expected her to be. He had killed (or tried to kill) both her and her brother. The Princess was made of sterner stuff it seemed.

It was during that time, reading one book that was written by a Wakandan scholar about the spiritual development of the human mind that he first thought of Shae for the first time in a while.

“Who is Shae?” Shuri asked, peering into his cell curiously.

He looked up from his book, not realizing he said her name out loud. He pressed his lips together, a hint of irritation hitting him.

“No one,” he muttered, and she raised her brows. “Mind your fucking business.”

“Is she your girlfriend?” she asked, unbothered by his harsh words. Lil’ cuz was a stubborn one and he knew that she wouldn’t let it go. He thought about threatening her.

Erik sighed.

“Nah, she’s some girl I knew,” he said and waved the book in his hand. “She’d like this shit.”

Shuri tilted her head at him, studying him with that look that let Erik _know_ she was far more intelligent that anyone her age.

“What’s she like?”

The question was innocent enough. He hadn’t thought about Shae in a while. Had purposely blocked her out when he’d left so long ago.

Erik closed his book and gave her a look.

“Ya’ll got any books on that nano tech you buildin’? I’m tired of this shit.”

Shuri pursed her lips but didn’t push it. She left with a promise to bring him some of her recently updated research and Erik found that he had opened up a part of his mind that he’d kept locked for a while.

If he thought about Shae now, locked up and with no way to see her….

“Fuck,” he hissed, rubbing a hand across his face.

He spent the next hour training his body, hoping exhaustion would help him forget her again.

It didn’t work. That night he dreamed of her. Of her smile and laugh and the way she’d furrow her brows when she thought. He thought of how she’d nudge her glasses up the bridge of her nose when she was nervous or purse her lips at him whenever he pissed her off. Which he had done often, always trying to test how far he’d push her, how far her compassion and kindness could be tested. But she always had a smile for him, always looked at him like she thought he could do anything, be anything, no matter how harshly he spoke to her. He knew then that Shae had been genuine in thinking of him as her friend and her claims that she’d always look out for those she considered close to her.

Even worse was that he could still remember the first night he met her, tasted her, felt the softness of her lips, the curves of her body….

“Fuck,” he hissed again, glaring up at the ceiling. He had to stroke one out before he was able to go back to sleep. And even then, he’d slept restlessly, Shae’s smile filling his mind and having something clench in his heart.

It kept him in a sour mood for a while, something that T’Challa picked up on, but this cousin was stubborn too and wasn’t deterred from visiting him. Both he and Shuri began bringing him books from that particular scholar and he’d wasn’t sure whether he felt amused or pissed at their obvious attempts.

It was one visit in particular that changed everything though.

“Nigga, ain’t you supposed to be running a kingdom and shit? Leave me the fuck alone,” he snapped, his arm propped up on one leg as he held one of his books in the other.

T’Challa didn’t respond, standing in that pose that had his hands firmly clasped behind his back. T’Challa’s intent gaze let Erik know he was thinking hard about something.

Erik huffed an annoyed breath and let his gaze return to his book, deciding to ignore him.

“Would you like to be free of this place?” T’Challa asked suddenly and Erik looked at him again.

“The fuck you think,” he responded, not quite sure what he was feeling.

“N’Jadaka,” T’Challa said sternly, “I need you to answer me.”

“I just fucking did.”

With mild surprise and just a bit of amusement, he watched as T’Challa took another step toward his cell, glaring at him. Erik hadn’t managed to ruffle his cousin up to this point, so it was interesting to see this change.

“Do you wish to be free of this?” he asked again.

A flash of anger had Erik snapping his book close as he rose and strode so that he was as close as he could get without hitting the barrier.

Before he could open his mouth, T’Challa spoke.

“Think very carefully about your answer.”

Erik frowned at him, sensing finally that there was something more to question, more to wanting his freedom from his cell.

The cousins stared at one another and for a moment Erik considered telling him to go fuck himself.

Then for a brief second, Shae’s smile flashed across his mind and the words froze on his tongue.

_“Without hope…. they won’t have to lift a finger because you’ll fall into the darkness yourself and become someone you won’t recognize._ _And when that happens they can shape you into whoever they want, turn you into whoever they want you to be."_

His fists clenched at his sides, as he tried to block out her voice echoing in his head. 

_“You have to let yourself believe in other people, no matter how fucked up people can be.”_

Erik stared past his cousin, brows furrowing and for the first time in a while, felt a brief flicker of something inside, something that was more than the rage and pain he’d been harboring most of his life.

T’Challa waited patiently, brown eyes watching him as he struggled through his thoughts.

_“Because once that piece of you is taken away, that's when they've won."_

Fuck. Fuck!

Erik gritted his teeth and bit out, “yes.”

T’Challa gazed at him for a moment and Erik felt that if the nigga made him repeat himself, he’d say no.

Instead, T’Challa nodded and took a step back and he saw relief fill his eyes. Erik eyed him and watched as his cousin smiled.

“Then we will begin tomorrow,” he told him.

“Begin what?”

T’Challa inclined his head.

“We are going to help you heal, umzala,” he said, and Erik wondered what the fuck he’d signed up for.

_____

The next day, T’Challa came with a visitor. She was an older woman with grey dreads piled high into a bun and wore a purple tunic and white pants and sandals. She had an easy smile and pleasant brown eyes. She had a large satchel strapped to her back and a large cushion held in her hands.

Erik narrowed his eyes.

“Who the fuck are you?”

His harsh words didn’t appear to bother her and T’Challa gave him a mild look.

“Good evening, Prince N’Jadaka,” the older woman said, and Erik blinked. T’Challa and Shuri were the only ones who called him by that name, but then again, no one else had come to see him either.

“My name is Safia, and I will be working with you,” she said, and her accented voice held warmth that made him uneasy.

He watched as she placed her cushion down right in front of the barrier and sat cross legged, her posture straight and rested her hands in lap.

“You must excuse me, your grace,” she said and inclined her head at him, “it’s much better for me to sit on something soft when I have a long session ahead.”

Erik turned to T’Challa.

“The fuck is this?” he snapped and T’Challa inclined his head towards him. “Thought you were letting me out.”

“You must heal first,” he answered simply, and Erik sucked his teeth.

Why did this nigga keep saying that?

“You motherfu..”

“Your grace,” Safia said with sternness that it made them both pause and look at her. “You must conserve your energy. The ritual will be taxing, and it won’t do if you spend it on anger.”

Erik stared at her, confused.

What the fuck was she talking about? What ritual?

Erik tried to rack his brain, trying to think of what ritual this old woman could possibly be talking about. What ritual did they do for prisoners?

Safia had begun pulling out items from her satchel. She laid out a mortar and pestle, a few herbs that he couldn’t recognize and a small cup and what looked a portable tea kettle.

Safia picked up the herbs and began grinding them in her pestle, that same pleasant expression on her face. Erik eyed her, curious despite himself. T’Challa settled next to her, and Erik spared his cousin a brief glance. His cousin gave nothing away and simply looked at him.

Punk ass.

T’Challa’s lips twitched as if he could guess what he was thinking.

“There must be balance for there to be harmony,” Safia said and Erik’s gaze returned to her, “and when balance is lost it must be restored.”

She pressed a bead on her kimoyo bracelet and the tea kettle hummed to life.

“Wakanda has its laws and we do seek justice for those who have been harmed. We must ensure that our people are protected, even from one another. But we cannot forget the humanity of those who have lost their path. More people can be helped then the world would have us believe.”

Sounded a lot like that hope shit.

Erik was the only one still standing and he snorted as he crossed his arms, glaring down at the pair outside his cell.

Safia smiled slightly, but her eyes remained on her work as she continued.

“We do not just lock people away and forget. All have a chance to redeem themselves to restore the balance to the imbalances they have caused. They must, of course, make this choice from themselves.”

_Do you wish to be free of this?_

Erik remembered his cousin’s words and slid his gaze toward T’Challa who was watching him carefully. 

Safia seemed satisfied with her grinding and was now pouring the water over the herbs in the cup. A burst of something close to, but not quite, the smell of cinnamon filled the air. Shit didn’t look like cinnamon though and Erik wondered again what herbs the old woman was using. 

“Even more trying is that one must come before the goddess Bast, to see if they can still find her favor,” she explained and blew lightly on the cup, working to cool it slightly. “The goddess can be merciful and can see beyond what others try to hide, even from themselves.”

Erik tensed as Safia’s eyes raised to meet his and had the distinct feeling that this woman was looking deep into his soul.

“Your grace, by consuming the heart shaped herb, you have built a connection to all those who have held the title of King and the mantle of Black Panther before you.  And through this, a personal connection to the goddess herself.”

She gazed at him seriously and gently pushed the cup towards him, it pushing easily through the barrier when T’Challa tapped a bead on his kimoyo bracelet.

“There may be more judgment for you, because of this. For the goddess will also consider your worthiness.”

“For what?” he asked, staring down at the steaming cup.

“Worthiness to protect Wakanda,” Safia said and smiled. “Drink this, and you will go to meet her.”

Erik lifted his gaze to meet hers and for the first time in a while he hesitated. Erik always moved with an assuredness in the world, confident about what he believed in and his drive and commitment to whatever decision he made. 

But hearing her words, knowing that a part of him still believed in Bast, hadn’t forgotten the stories of his father, he hesitated.

“We will be here, *umzala,” T’Challa said and Erik flashed him an irritated look. T’Challa simply looked back at him and Erik felt something twitch inside him again.

Fuck it.

Whatever happened couldn’t be worse than being stuck in this fucking place.

When he sat down and reached for the cup, Safia raised a hand slightly. He paused, looking at her.

“You may wish to grab a pillow, “she advised, with another smile. “And, your grace, please try to be respectful when you see her.”

Erik rolled his eyes but grabbed the pillow before resettling on the floor.

He took one last look at them before he downed the contents of the cup, slightly relieved that the temperature had cooled. It had a spicy sweet flavor to it that didn’t taste anything like cinnamon and it filled his lungs and warmed his belly.

Then slowly, he could feel it his veins, his breaths coming slower, the images of Safia and T’Challa in front of him blurring slightly. It gave him enough time to lie back, his head resting on the pillow, before he descended into darkness.

______

Erik’s senses returned to him slowly, a weightless feeling to his body as he pushed himself up. He stood in what appeared to be the open space of a large temple, an old one from the moss the patched the corners and the vines wrapping around the tall columns reaching up to the swirling blues and purples of the sky.

He’d seen that sky before and wondered for a brief second, if he’d see his pops again. Erik shook the thought away and began walking, sliding his hands into his pockets as his eyes swept the area.

Erik had been trained to note his surroundings first, see where there was an exit or entrance, make note of where he was going in case he needed to retrace his steps. He’d always had a good sense of direction, but as he moved deeper into the shadows of the temple, walked down long hallways with arches that showed the dark foilage of the outside jungle, he kept getting the distinct feeling that he was lost.

_That’s because you are, *omncinci._

The feminine voice made him freeze, his eyes sweeping quickly around the room he’d entered.

This room was smaller than the other ones he’d peered into, with only one window allowing the hued lights of the sky to shine through, lighting up the base of a large statute, leaving the rest of the room in shadows.

It was only due to the light that hit the base of the statute that he was able to see a woman, her emerald green eyes gazing at him. Her skin was as dark as ebony, her hair tightly coiled and her features looking almost feline. She was wrapped in a manganese blue dress, a gold string wrapped around her waist and golden sandals. The colors highlighted her beauty and as Erik approached her, he realized that she grew larger the closer he got to her.

He stopped a few feet away, gazing up at her, disgruntled at how his perception seemed off. The statute seemed larger too and it was throwing him off. He hated the feeling and found himself glaring at her.

She smiled then, gleaming white teeth flashing at him. She lifted a hand, bare of any jewelry, and beckoned him.

_Come closer, omncinci._

Erik frowned, realizing that her mouth never opened. The powerful female voice had sounded in his head.

“Don’t call me that,” he groused, and he saw amusement flash in her eyes.

She sat up and gave a light feline stretch, before crossing her legs and leaning back against the base of the statute.

His eyes flickered up to feline statute before back down to her again. He’d been guessing she’d shown up as a panther or some shit.

She grinned again, seemingly hearing his thoughts and raised her hand to beckon him again.

With a grimace, Erik moved forward, blaming his curiosity more than anything else.

_You have been lost for a while, haven’t you, N’Jadaka?_

“You know my name?” he asked.

She smiled.

_I know the names of all who pray to me._

She brought one leg up, her dress flowing to cover her and draped her arm across it.

_And you N’Jadaka have never forgotten me, have you?_

Erik just looked at her, feeling that same hint of anger beginning to boil in him.

“You forgot me. Forgot my pops when your king,” he sneered that word and she lifted a brow, “killed him.”

She hummed, and he felt the vibration run through his body.

_I did not forget. How do you think you found your way home?_

“Wakanda isn’t my home,” Erik said the words simply, feeling the rage replace the empty void inside of him. “No one wants me there. Wants me anywhere.”

Usurper. Traitor. Outsider. Fallen One.

He heard the words that the guards had hissed at him under their breath, too cowardly to say them to his face. Erik didn’t give a fuck what they thought and had stared down any of them who dared look him in the eye. He’d felt a sense of grim satisfaction when they’d turn away, uncomfortable with the darkness in his eyes.  

Bast fingers moved lightly, as if she were stroking the air near her.

“Look ain’t you supposed to judge me or some shit? Let’s get it over with.”

_You are in a hurry, omncinci?_

He glared at her, feeling his rage boil over.

“I told you not to fucking call me that.”

Her fingers flickered, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. Erik sunk to his knees, one hand clutching his chest as the other scrambled against the hard stone floor beneath him.

 What the fuck?

 _I am a patient goddess_ , she said, _but you must learn respect, omncinci._

He didn’t seem able to pass out either. He was stuck in a cycle of constricted air, his lungs burning for air that he couldn’t inhale, pushed on the brink of darkness, but not quite. The shit was painful as fuck and Erik was used to pain.

 She watched him for a moment longer, her posture still casual, before flicking her hand again.

Erik gasped deeply, his body trembling as he gulped down needed air.  

She inclined her head at him and raised a brow, her look expectant.

Shit.

He took in another deep breath and gritted out, “sorry.”

She brought her fingers to her lips and smiled.

_You mortals enjoy pain, don’t you?_

She mused the thought as she titled her head at him. It was overwhelming looking into those emerald eyes, the depth filling his head with too much until he had to look away.

Bast laughed and he shuddered, the sound rolling through his mind and spreading along every nerve in his body.

_Tell me, omncinci, do you love Wakanda?_

The question had him looking up at her again, careful not to meet her gaze directly.

“Killed to get there,” he said, and she tapped her finger against her chin. It wasn’t a direct answer because Erik realized he didn’t really know.

_Yes, so much death to claim a throne. But that was not for Wakanda, was it?_

Erik said nothing, his eyes now trained on the simple golden necklace at her neck. 

“Would it matter if it was?” he finally asked, and she propped her head in her hand.

_Death feels permanent to you mortals. You look upon it with fear even when you know it is inevitable, unable to embrace something that you cannot comprehend. But the dead still live, even as the living still die. Neither can understand the distinction. It is the bane of your mortality._

Erik frowned at her words, not quite understanding if she was passing judgment on his actions or not. Bast’s eyes hooded, dimming the intensity of her gaze. Still, he didn’t try looking her in the eyes. Erik was a quick learner.

_I know what you have done to come to Wakanda. I heard your prayers, your curses. And I watched you N’Jadaka, watched you suffer, watched you scheme and lie and fight your way through life. I know the injustice that was laid upon Prince N’Jobu._

Erik’s hands clenched in his lap and he had to bite his tongue to keep from saying something. He would normally spout off, but he was smart enough to know to now not to fuck with her. Not after what had just happened.

If she’d seen all this shit, had heard him, then where had she been?

His baba would tell him not to blame the gods, but sometimes blame came easy.

Bast smirked at him.

_You are in Wakanda because you willed it to be so._

Erik’s eyes flickered briefly to hers and away again.

_And you will stay in Wakanda, if I will it so._

She grew silent then and Erik felt every muscle in his body tense, feeling the weight of her eyes on him.

_Many Kings have followed tradition. Have kept Wakanda safe from the outside world. Ignored the world and its chaos._

She was musing again, and Erik got the sense she wasn’t talking to him.

_T’Challa seeks to move away from these views, seeks to place Wakanda as an example to the rest of the world. He has been touched by the suffering of the world, has seen it through eyes that cannot be shielded against the foolishness of you mortals. His actions may lead to either great glory to Wakanda or great destruction, for the world may not be as ready to heal as he thinks._

The fingers of her hand began moving again, and she propped her head in her hand, hooded eyes studying him.

_And you, N’Jadaka, wished to have Wakanda rule the world, striking out those who are the oppressors of this world. What did you say? Ah yes, “the sun will never set on the Wakandan empire.” A noble cause if a bit simplistic and misguided._

Erik’s eye twitched, his jaw clenching. Bast finger’s continued moving and he could feel her amusement at his annoyance.

_This too, however, would likely lead to Wakanda’s destruction. Wakanda’s resources are envied by others and when mortals feel such things as envy and greed, well, such hearts blacken to many things and fear can be as destructive as it is powerful._

Erik could feel a constriction in his chest again and he grimaced, wondering if she was getting close to ending him. Or whatever the fuck she’d do when she made her decision. The tightness grew as Bast continued gazing down at him and he had to brace his hands on his knees to steady himself.

_Perhaps, you and T’Challa are both needed. For you both need one another. One for the guidance of heart and compassion, the other with the determination to see past the weak attempts at peace and justice. Both have the will to bring Wakanda into a new era._

That had his eyes widening slightly. He honestly didn’t expect that.

Bast moved suddenly, too quickly for him to pull away, her dress shimmering around her as she padded towards him quietly on bare feet. She was his size when she crouched in front of him, her hand reaching out to cup his face.

Erik’s body exploded into warm heat at her touch and it made him lose his breath slightly as he stared at her. In the back of his mind, he was reminded that she was not only a protector, but a goddess of sensual pleasure.

Well fuck.

 _Look at me, N’Jadaka_.

Erik raised his eyes to meet hers, his body still trembling from the feeling of her skin against his. He was breathing deeply as he fell into her gaze, his heart hammering in his chest.

_You are lost, N’Jadaka. To help Wakanda, to serve Wakanda, you must find yourself._

How the fuck was he supposed to do that?

_There is still rage inside you. Still pain at what has been done, blinding you to what can be._

No fucking shit he was pissed. He’d lost everything. But he kept his mouth shut. T’Challa would’ve been proud.

_If you cannot let go of this rage. You will never find the home you seek. You will always be lost in darkness and it will consume you completely. Find that which can bring you closer to yourself. Do not turn your back on those who seek you._

T’Challa and Shuri’s face flashed briefly in his mind. And Shae’s. Her could see her smiling at him.

Bast’s hand was still on him, reaching up to press her fingers lightly against his brow.

_Find yourself so that others can find you._

She pulled away then and Erik let out a shaky breath.

_You are a Prince of Wakanda. This is something that is in your blood and in the name of your father before you._

She gazed down at him, her expression filing him with an emotion he could not name.

_You serve a much greater purpose, Prince N’Jadaka._

Her emerald eyes were glowing and swallowing him up again and Erik found he couldn’t tear his eyes away, felt the darkness slowly sliding over him as her figure grew larger again.

_When you are no longer lost, you will find that Wakanda is your home. And I am here to protect you, for I have willed it to be so._

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erik's rehabilitation begins

** Chapter 31  **

After his vision, Erik felt a shift inside him. There was something about looking deep into a goddess’ eyes that had a nigga rethinking a lot about the shit in his life.

When he’d woken, both Safia and T’Challa still remained. T’Challa looked relieved and Safia smiled at him, pleased.

“Well done, your grace,” she said. Erik grimaced, finding it was difficult to sit up, feeling the tightness in his chest. Her smile became wry as she watched him.

“I did warn you to be respectful, did I not?”

Erik opened his mouth to say something and proceeded to cough violently. Safia pushed a cup towards him and he drank it slowly, relieved to find it was water.

“We can begin tomorrow, your grace,” Safia said as she watched him. “It is best if you rest for now.”

Erik felt like he’d just gone through the fucking ringer. He was getting really pissed with not knowing what was going on, but he didn’t feel like asking.

He was fucking tired.

“Fine.”

Both Safia and T’Challa exchanged a mildly surprised glance, obviously expecting an argument or protest.

Whatever.

Erik continued sipping at his water, watching them over the rim of his cup.

T’Challa helped Safia to her feet and the woman gave a mild stretch, before turning to Erik to salute him. It made him raise a brow, still not used to being addressed that way.

“Tomorrow then, your grace,” she said and turned to T’Challa to salute him as well. “Kumkani.”

“Safia,” T’Challa said and nodded towards as she left, her items having been packed while he was under.

Now left with his cousin, T’Challa regarded him for a moment. Erik stared back, realizing he didn’t even have the energy for his typical scowl.

T’Challa quirked his lips in a small smile before turning to leave.

“Ay.”

T’Challa paused and turned back to him.

“You ever meet her before?” he asked and T’Challa inclined his head.

“Yes. She came to me in my dreams. It was she who said that you were ready.” 

Huh.

Erik didn’t have any clue as to why any of them thought that, but whatever.

Damn, he was tired.

“Cool,” he said and moved to his bed to lie down.

T’Challa raised an amused brow, gazing at him for a moment longer before he left.

______

“There is much rage inside you.”

If one more person fucking told him that….

“And to release that rage, you must learn how to still yourself, free your mind so you can free your heart.”

Erik titled his head to look at Safia, his back braced against the wall, one leg raised so he could drape his arm over it.

“You want me to meditate,” he said dryly, and she smiled.

“Yes.”

“Hate that shit.”

It was when he was alone with his thoughts that he felt everything the most. It was one thing to plan, to think through problems, to focus on a goal. It was another to just be still and accept the pain and anger that he couldn’t direct towards something. 

“You must try, your grace, if you can move forward.”

Erik sucked his teeth and didn’t answer, turning his gaze to stare at his bed on the opposite end of the room.

Safia watched him patiently for a while, before tilting her head slightly.

“Tell me of your time in America. You went to school there, yes?”

Erik glanced at her again, trying to figure out her tactic. He shrugged.

“Got my PhD in engineering,” he said simply and grew silent.

Safia inclined her head slightly when she realized he wasn’t going to speak again. Erik wondered how long the old woman could stay patient with him.

A few moments passed in silence and Erik’s gaze returned to the wall.

A few more moments ticked past and Erik’s hand began clenching and unclenching into a fist, feeling Safia’s gaze still trained on him.

After another bout of continued silence, Erik snapped his gaze to her, irritated as he glared at her.

“What?” he growled, and she smiled at him pleasantly.

“What were you thinking of just now?” she asked.

Erik blinked.

“Nothing.”

She grinned at him and Erik raised his brows as he continued staring at her.

Huh. Not bad.

He huffed and rose to his feet, going to his pile of books, with every attention to read something if to wait her out.

“Meditation can be through many forms,” she said, bringing her cup to her lips.

She had a habit of bringing that satchel with her and seemed to be a fan of brewing teas with local Wakandan herbs. He’d taken her up on some of her offerings, even though he wasn’t usually a tea drinker. It was just a nice change from the same meals he kept receiving.

“It is meant to still the mind, yes, but the first step is learning to let go of the thoughts that attempt to cling to us. For instance, one could read a book and let the words from a page shake the thoughts that haunt them.”

Erik paused where he had been about to open his book, narrowing his eyes slightly as he looked at her. She was still giving him that pleasant smile, but there was a hint of challenge in her eyes.

Erik couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him.

“Shit, you don’t play, do you?” he asked, finding himself genuinely amused for the first time in a while.

Safia hummed thoughtfully.

“I am only here to help you, your grace,” she said simply.

“Why?” he asked genuinely curious. “I tried to kill your King.”

She raised a brow at him.

“Yes, I am aware,” she said dryly, “but if I were to harbor judgment in my heart for every injustice I have seen, then I would not be here today.”

Erik studied her.

“I am from a long line of shamans, your grace. We seek to heal the souls of those who have been wounded and have wounded others.”

She gazed at him and Erik felt the depth of her gaze again.

“I have been tasked by the goddess to help those who seek aid and those who have found her favor.”

She titled her head slightly.

“And you, your grace, have been touched by the goddess. So, I shall remain at your side, helping you heal as best as I can. But only you can do the work. I am but a guide.”

Safia gazed at him for a moment. “Do you think you have the strength to do it?”

Erik knew a challenge when he heard one and he had to admit, the old woman knew what she was doing.

“Will it get me out this place?” he asked and watched her smile.

“If you wish it to be so.”

__________

It was only a few visits later that T’Challa returned, following behind Safia as they approached his cell.

“Kumkani,” she said, glancing towards her King, “I think your grace is ready to move.”

T’Challa gazed at her for a moment, rubbing a hand thoughtfully through his beard.

“We must trust in Bast,” Safia pushed, noting his indecision. “For she has placed her trust in him.”

T’Challa let out a breath then and turned his gaze to meet Erik’s. “N’Jadaka, I can only give you one chance to prove yourself. Can I trust you?”

Erik stared at him, his arms crossed over his chest. No one moved for a moment as Erik allowed himself to think about it.

He could come up with a plan to escape and then do what? His whole life had been shaped with coming here. His plan had failed, and his bitch ass cousin had deemed that he had to live with that.

Erik eyed T’Challa. He could try killing the nigga again. He wasn’t completely sure, but he felt that some of the effects of the heart shaped herb lingered in his system and he’d taken him down once, he could probably do it again if the nigga let his guard down.

T’Challa held his gaze, tilting his head slightly, his lips twitching lightly. Erik was beginning to think his cousin was getting to know him more than he’d like and seemed to be guessing to what he was thinking.

Then his lil’ cuz would be left and he’d already tried to kill her before. But she’d intrigued him and then were a small part of him had a soft spot growing for her. And even if he did kill them both, he knew now that the rest of the people may not go for it. Especially not that general, the one who’d had come with T’Challa in recent visits and made sure to give him a look that expressed exactly what she’d thought of him. 

_Perhaps, you and T’Challa are both needed. For you both need one another. One for the guidance of heart and compassion, the other with the determination to see past the weak attempts at peace and justice. Both have the will to bring Wakanda into a new era._

Erik paused as the goddess’ words echoed in his head. If he stayed, if he tried, would he be able to claim a place here? Something that, despite the vengeance for his father, he’d always wanted?

Erik stared hard at T’Challa and the King returned his gaze evenly.

_If you cannot let go of this rage. You will never find the home you seek. You will always be lost in darkness and it will consume you completely. Find that which can bring you closer to yourself. Do not turn your back on those who seek you._

Shae’s face flashed through his mind again. He hadn’t thought about her in a while, his mind preoccupied with those damn exercises that Safia pushed him to do.

_Find yourself so that others can find you._

Shae had thought of him as her friend, even when she knew he kept things from her. He hadn’t lied to her, but he had made a point to _not_ say things. She was smart and had noticed, but even then, she’d tried to accept him….

“Fuck it,” he muttered and T’Challa raised a brow.

“That means yes, nigga,” he grumbled and rolled his eyes as they chuckled.

____

They transported him in cuffs and he’d felt amusement at that.

Interesting to see that even when his cousin claimed to trust him, he was still thinking rationally.

It was daylight when they’d move him, and he’d allowed his eyes to take in the area when he’d been put on a transport, escorted by T’Challa, Okoye and a few guards. Okoye met his eyes with a steely gaze and he raised a brow and smirked at her. Her eyes narrowed slightly before she finally turned her gaze ahead.

He knew she didn’t approve, but it wasn’t up to her, was it?

T’Challa shook his head at him and Erik shrugged, leaning back into his seat. He didn’t try to fight them, didn’t try to escape, because he’d given his word.

Erik took that shit seriously.

They took him to a tall building that was a bit removed from the city and when they stepped off the transport, the guards saluted T’Challa and, to Erik’s surprise, him as well.

The fuck was that?

Erik glanced at T’Challa who raised a brow at him.

Shaking his head, Erik followed behind them as they entered the building, his eyes quickly taking in the area.

The reception was an open space, where windows allowed natural light to filter through and as the sunlight beamed off the walls, he noticed there were Wakandan etchings lining the entryway.

_Through the heart we find the soul, and through the soul we are healed._

“Ya’ll really liking pushing this shit, don’t you?” he said as he read the words.

Okoye flashed him a side eye and T’Challa merely shook his head again, a small smile on his lips.

“Welcome, general, Kumkani,” he heard a familiar voice say and noticed Safia approaching. She paused in front of T’Challa to salute him and turned to greet him as well.

“Your grace,” she said, saluting him as well. He inclined his head towards her. The old woman was all right.  

“I have brought your kimoyo beads, your grace,” she said, showing him the bracelet.

Erik raised a brow and gave a pointed look down at the cuff on his wrists.

T’Challa turned to Okoye, who paused, staring at him for a moment.

“Are you sure about this, Kumkani?”

She directed the question to T’Challa, but kept her gaze trained on him. Erik smirked at her again and the hand on her spear tightened slightly.

“Prince N’Jadaka has given his word,” T’Challa responded and Erik looked at him. “I am sure we can hold it to him.”

Erik could see the warning in his eyes, but behind it, even more disturbing, was that he could see that his cousin did trust him.

Shit. The goddess hadn’t been kidding about this nigga needing him. Nigga was too trusting.

 _Just like Shae_.

The thought sobered him, and he let out a breath.  

“Chill, ma,” he said to Okoye, who twitched at the moniker, “I ain’t gonna try shit.”

She stepped forward, her gaze still holding distrust, but removed his cuffs.

Erik rubbed his wrists, and Safia offered him the bracelet with a smile. He slipped it on, silently pleased to have it again. They’d taken it from him when he’d been in his cell.

It was odd, but for a brief second, it gave him a sense of belonging.

“We are pleased to have you here, your grace,” she said, “and there is much to be done.”

_____

Safia led them through a long hallway that led to a garden in the center of the building. It was large enough that Erik couldn’t see where it ended, taking up a large amount of space in front of them.   
  
As they walked people saluted T’Challa and him as well. It was still jarring to see, and when he looked into their eyes, they simply looked back at him, no judgment in their gaze.

Where the fuck was he?

“The Wakandan Rehabilitation and Retention Center,” Safia said and he glanced at her. She was still wearing that same pleasant smile and had seemed to guess from his expression what he’d been thinking.

Erik didn’t answer, still taking in details as they walked. He noticed there were a few doors that led to other areas on the main floor, with light reflecting off windows that were on higher floors. The garden was the center of the building and he realized, as he looked up to the glass ceiling, that the building was more of a tower, with the walls sporadically lined with rooms, their windows facing into the garden below.

 

Safia led them through a nearby door and Erik mentally tracked their movements, not sure if it was out of habit or if he’d come up with a reason later. They followed the hall to what appeared to be a cafeteria, the rich smells of cooking food and spices filling the area.

  
Erik didn’t get a chance to try many Wakandan dishes since he’d been here, and he eyed the plates of food that lined the food bar not too far from them. It had a market feel to it and he noticed a few people picking up items to place in a basket as they perused the selections.  Fresh fruit and vegetables, seasoned meat, a few rice dishes dashed with a bit of herbs and spices, along with other dishes he didn’t recognize had him pausing briefly.

 

“Your grace,” Safia called and he titled his head to look at her. “We can dine later. For now, we must show you to your rooms.”

 

Rooms?

 

It was more like a small apartment that she led them to. His guess had been right, and the room overlooked the garden on the main floor. He’d also been right in his assumption that the garden was fucking huge, stretching a few miles across.

 

They must’ve built the building around it, as he spotted a few paths, a few ponds spread out and plots that seemed to be laid out for growing produce.

 

Erik lazily drifted from room to room, his hands tucked into his pockets, feeling Okoye’s gaze against his back, following his every moment carefully.

 

He ignored her as he took his time with his tour. The main room had the biggest window, allowing sunlight to filter through when the curtains were opened. It held a couch, a small coffee table and a desk and chair in the far corner. From the main room he could see a simple kitchen. Then there was a bedroom that held just a bed, dresser and bedside table. Finally, the bathroom with a bathroom, sink and finally, a fucking shower.

 

“Shit, ya’ll give prisoners this?” he asked, feeling slightly impressed.

 

He hadn’t learned much about the prison system in Wakanda and even some of the countries that boasted more humane prisons didn’t allow this much.

 

“This is not a prison,” Safia corrected him. “This is a place of healing.”

  
“Right,” he said dryly, coming to stop in front of her.

 

She was shorter than him and he titled his head to look down at her. This close, he could see a few lines marking her age, but other than that, Erik could only guess she was older because of the grey in her hair. Which for some people, didn’t really mean shit.

 

“But I can’t leave, can I?” he pressed when she met his gaze.

 

Safia just gave him that knowing smile.

 

“You will leave when you are ready to leave,” she replied.

 

This shit was going to get annoying real quick, Erik just knew.

 

______

 

Erik spent the next few months working with Safia. He could finally know what fucking time it was, thanks to his beads and it’d be a nice addition to this new phase in his life.

 

It was slow going because old habits died hard and the rage was too familiar to let go. It was really the visions that pushed him through it. Safia would give him that tea and he’d go under, meeting the goddess, sometimes in the form he’d first met her or in her panther form. Sometimes she didn’t show up and he was left with no choice but to utilize the meditation techniques Safia showed him, the quietness of the realm making it slightly easier. And sometimes he’d just scream into the void, feeling the weight of his anger, pain and frustration. Those days were harder than others.

 

He could only endure the vision every few weeks or so, his tongue getting him into too much trouble with the goddess. On one particular occasion, it’d taken him a few days to recover from the goddess’ ire, the darker part of himself coming out as he cursed her for having to do this shit and who the fuck did she think she was, putting this bullshit on him?  Erik knew he must have had her blessing because she didn’t kill him. Every punishment when he was under, his body had to recover from when he woke up.

 

And every time, Safia was there, nurturing him back to full health, only mildly scolding him and commenting that yes, he should thank Bast that he had her favor. She’d talk him through his anger, never pushing him to do more than he wanted, but always right on the edge that he’d make the decision to do it himself. She knew he didn’t like talking, so some days she’d just hand him a book she wanted him to read. He had to give it to the old woman, she was patient.

 

It reminded him of Shae. She was almost always there now, right in the back of his mind, and he found he couldn’t shake her.

 

He thought about what she’d be doing now. She’d been close to getting her degree, unaware that he was close to graduating when he’d met her. She had told him once she thought about opening up her own practice or work for an established clinic.

  
_“I don’t know. With my own practice I could help whoever I want. With an establish clinic though, I’d be kind of limited, but it’d be more reliable work, you know?.”_

  
She’d love this place, he’d thought to himself more than once. Fuck, she’d probably love to meet Safia too.

 

His cousins continued visiting him, and Shuri especially seemed content to plop down on his couch and throw up random shows from her beads to show him.

 

The first time she did it, Erik had eyed her, wondering how both of his cousins could be so trusting. So fucking stupid.

 

“I have found this show from America,” Shuri said, her gaze trained on the screen that hovered in front of them, “called ‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’. We have nothing like it in Wakanda.”

 

Erik stood behind her on the couch, his hands resting on the back of it. He could snap her neck if he wanted to and there would be nothing she could do about it.

 

“I don’t think mama would approve though,” she mused to herself.

 

It’d be easy too. And he could do it where it’d be quick and painless, a sign of mercy.  

 

“But it is my brother I have to worry about,” she muttered, “he’d tell mama in a heartbeat.”

 

So fucking stupid.

 

“You shouldn’t be watching this shit,” he said finally and moved to sit down next to her.

 

“I agree,” a voice said and they both turned to see T’Challa standing in the entrance of the room.

 

T’Challa was gazing at him and Erik knew that he had seen. He merely raised a brow at him and shrugged.

 

T’Challa smiled and Erik rolled his eyes. The siblings began to bicker over his younger cousin’s viewing selections and Erik sat quietly, brooding to himself.

 

Fucking stupid, the both of them.

 

______

 

Erik kept to himself and no one bothered him, although a few people would pause to salute him when he’d passed. He’d either be in the library, which was stocked full of a wide variety of titles or in the training facility, something he’d been hyped to discover.

  
It had not only what was needed for strength training but an area where people could train together. There were guards in this room, as there was something about violence that seemed to ignite something deep in people. 

 

Between those damn sessions with Safia and the few times when he wasn’t reading, Erik was in the training facility taking on anyone who’d challenged him.

 

 

“Tell me, N’Jadaka, would you be willing to help me?” T’Challa asked and ducked as Erik threw a punch at him.

  
Both wore nothing but a pair of shorts, the rest of their bodies bare as they circled each other on the mats. There were no guards in this room, having been dismissed when T’Challa and Erik stepping into the ring.  

 

After the first few times Erik had trained with others, those who were willing to spar with Erik dwindled, wary of the viciousness with which he fought.

 

Erik never held back in a fight. Now, it was only T’Challa who could keep pace with him and his cousin seemed to take it as seriously as he did everything else.

 

Which is was all fine and well with Erik. Any chance he could get to beat his cousin’s ass was a good day in his book. His cousin seemed willing to let him direct some of that rage onto him and he healed easy. And then there were days that T’Challa’s frustrations seemed to come out and they’d end the session, bodies bruised and glaring at each other.  But T’Challa always offered him a hand in comradery and after a pause, Erik accepted.

 

Fuck this place was making him soft.

 

“With what?”

 

T’Challa was on him suddenly, his fist nearly connecting with his cheek, if Erik hadn’t jerked back in time. The nigga was getting quicker. Erik still had the suspicion that the herb was still in his veins, still made him a bit stronger and quicker than he’d normally be.

 

“We are still working on our Outreach Center in Oakland,” he cousin said, barely sounding out of breath, “and we may need your guidance.”

  
Erik paused and raised a brow at him. Holding his arms loose at his sides. Always ready, always prepared for an attack.

 

“They ain’t gonna change nothing,” he said and T’Challa straightened out of his crouch to meet his gaze. “Shit’s still fucked up and setting up those centers ain’t gonna do shit to change it.”

 

They’d had this argument before. T’Challa had told him a while ago of his plans and Erik had immediately clapped back with his opinion on how change didn’t come that way, not quick enough in the way people needed. T’Challa had listened patiently to his response.

 

A sudden thought occurred to Erik.

 

“Wait, hold up, you want me to go to back?”

 

T’Challa inclined his head slightly, a small smile forming.

 

“Well yes. Wakanda has opened to the rest of the world….”

 

“Fucking stupid idea, letting white people in….”

 

“And there are many ways in which your skills and training would be helpful to us,” T’Challa continued, “both in America and elsewhere.”

 

Erik crossed his arms over his chest as he stared at him.

 

“The fuck you trying to pull, nigga? You know your people won’t go for this shit.”

 

It’s not that he didn’t want to go. Fuck yeah he wanted to get out of this place. He was getting stir-crazy, even with the amount of movement and freedom he had in here.

 

 But Erik was always wary of trap, some way they could try to throw him back in that fucking box again. And there was no fucking way he was going to let that happen.

 

T’Challa studied him.

 

“N’Jadaka,” he said, his tone serious. “I am King.”

 

“No, for real? Didn’t fucking notice…”

 

“And as a Prince of Wakanda,” his cousin continued, ignoring his snide comment, “you have a duty to Wakanda and it is time you fulfill it. The people of Wakanda are your people as well.”

 

Same shit the goddess was always telling him.

 

T’Challa held his gaze steadily.

 

“You are given the chance to right the wrongs of your past and build your future here. Wakanda is your home and your inheritance is rightfully yours.”

 

Inheritance?

 

Erik raised a brow and T’Challa grinned slightly. He’d known that catch his attention.

 

“What is the purpose of all this if you do not wish to make Wakanda your home? I asked you if you wished to be free and now I leave the choice to you to decide for yourself. But know this, umzala, that I trust you, just as our goddess does.”

  
Damn the nigga liked to monologue.

 

Erik stared at him for a long moment. He though of the loss of his father, the loneliness and pain and rage that he’d held all his life. He thought of his plans, the things he’d done to get here. He thought of when he’d finally had taken the throne and how quickly that dream had taken from him. He thought about his rage of being trapped again in a world where he had nothing and no one. And he thought about this stubborn son of a bitch, who seemed to take it upon himself, at every turn, to be a part of his life, pushing him from the comfort of his rage and pain.

 

And now, now there was a moment that he could find his place, find his home.

 

_When you are no longer lost, you will find that Wakanda is your home. And I am here to protect you, for I have willed it to be so._

  
Goddamn this shit was annoying.

 

“Aight.”

 

T’Challa smiled at him, the smile that told him his cousin was growing on him.

 

“On one condition,” Erik said, crossing his arms.

 

T’Challa raised a brow and inclined his head to continue.

 

“I’ll do it, but I ain’t staying in Oakland. Not the whole time.”

 

“Why?” T’Challa asked, only curiosity in his tone.

 

Erik smirked.

 

“I gotta go get my girl first.”

 

If Erik was going to commit to this new phase in his life, he was making damn sure that Shae was going to be a part of it too.


End file.
